Day one

Well today was the first day of the new year, wonder what this one will bring? 


Really hope karma has something decent up it's sleeve for me this year, surely I'm in for something good for once as I don't think I've been that bad?? But I guess we'll see.....


I really do need to sort some things out as I think some of my stress comes from the unknown.... and the fear at the moment that if saying what really is on the tip of my tongue about how I really feel, knowing it would currently come back to bite me in the ass? 
However take away the last thing that truly can be held over me I'm left holding all the cards then, and I can tell them to go to hell and not give a shit about the consequences as it would be immaterial to me by then.


I guess I need to get stronger? Well, maybe stronger is not quite the right word, as to be fair I know I am strong, I've gone through a rough few years and have made it this far.... I think what it is, is that I need to care less if that makes sense? I hate having people pity me, I don't need pity, I just need support some of the time, and that is the one thing I am no good at asking for.... :0/


As for the rest, I can't really do much about.
I'd love longer legs but that isn't going happen! 
I'd love to have better cheekbones.... again, ain't going to happen! 
I wish I could go for months without suffering from the constant back ache that reduces me to tears at time!
I'd love to have a smaller waist and flat stomach like when I was 16..... guess that could happen but I imagine that's highly unlikely ;0)


The other stuff I hope for this year.....  well for some of it, I know what I hope for, but again I guess there's fat chance of any of that happening! Firstly it would mean others admitting that they hadn't made the right decision! And people hate admitting they made a mistake for a variety of reasons... Secondly, if i want to win the lottery then I really need to start buying a ticket - got to be in it to win it and all that jazz!!


With all of what has gone on recently, looking back at it I don't think I was ever truly given a proper chance if I am honest? There have been other people's influence, other issues that might have clouded judgement, other reasons for feeling low, but no matter what I think now, that doesn't count for anything.... I wish that things were different as I still can't see what was wrong.... it's odd, but I do know that I can't say at this moment in time that I wouldn't give any of that another go, however I also know I am not stupid enough to hang around waiting for something to change. I have to keep moving on and I can see there are already potential options. Wonder what will and won't pan out?


Also guess I need to think about what I want to do about my job.... is this what I want to be doing, am I doing it where I want to be doing it? These are scary choices as I am paid OK, and I have a lot of flexibility with hours and where I work from which I would lose if i changed either what or where. And as I don't have the buffer of another income, or an ex that can support his own child, then to jump from something that is 'comfortable' to an unknown just to satisfy my own curiosity, but it doesn't hurt to think about these things as one day comes round quicker than you think!  


Guess 2012 is just at the beginning and you never know how things are going to turn out, life does have a way of surprising us at times!!


Hope everyone I care about (and that includes me) has a great year, achieves some of what they wish for and survive it through to 2013 in one piece xxx