Think I may have to perform CPR on my bank account soon, just crossing fingers and praying that the fumes in there last till pay day - 11 days and counting (come on!)
Friday night was an impromptu visit to the neighbour for a drink or two. Took munch with me and to be fair, it was a good laugh. It's great having someone like that you can just pop round to, it's not something I've ever had before. We're going to try and sort out a proper night out soon. Think I did post something on here the other night after I got back.... think it was readable even though I was a little drunk lol!
Saturday just spent the day catching up on bit's and pieces.... it's amazing how quick all this mounts up... did manage to finally get the felt to redo the shed roof but I hate being such a weed, lifting the roll of felt was impossible and I only got it back by some careful lift and swivel manoeuvres with the shopping trolley.
I asked the bloke if he could help me with the roof in the end.... I hate having to ask as it makes me feel like a shit, but although I know how to do this stuff I just physically can't anymore, and that is hard for me to accept!
And although asking anyone for help is something I have trouble with, asking him doesn't feel so bad as in someways it still feels like this is his home.... It's hard to explain but it feels 'normal' with him here?!
He has said before that he doesn't feel like he has had a home anywhere for a very long time, but being here was as close as he'd been for a while, and I know that when he moved in here, to a house I had brought with someone else, and decorated by myself before I met him, it must of been hard.
But at the same time there is so many things here that need to be done, that over the space of a couple of years he would have made his own mark on here quite easily, and I'd have been happy for him to have done that - garden, kitchen, windows, re-doing downstairs floors, spare room.... the list is always endless!! What I told him months ago still stands and this is his home when he wants it. And to be honest, home isn't about the bricks and mortar, it's about the people there.
I know that isn't how he feels now in a lot of ways, all he is concentrating on is moving in with his friends and becoming roomies.... I guess there's a lot I don't understand these days... And there is probably a lot I don't know. And I can only look at things from my perspective?
I know he is lucky to have the kind of relationship he does with his friends and I know that they are his family in a lot of ways, I guess to me what he is doing now is something most people do in their 20's.... I think there is an element of thinking there are things that 'most' people have done that he hasn't and he just feels a little lost at the moment and so is seeing what he has missed out on... But having roommates who are about to get married, and who knows, even thinking about having their own family, i guess it's just a stop-gap solution anyway? And then there is moving jobs. I know it is in a new office and there maybe different opportunities there, but not long ago he wasn't even sure it was what he wanted to do any longer?
I know that feeling, I'm still wondering what it is I want to do... Where I am at the moment suits me and having the munch, it pays the bills and means i don't have to rely on knob head at all, and to risk all that is scary, but in a few more years who knows? I guess having a new boss might change how I feel so see how that goes for now, and just keep my eyes open at what else is out there?
All I do know is I am not just sat round waiting for 'what if's', but at the same time I hope that if somethings were meant to be, they happen.... sometimes perspective needs a little distance and maybe sometimes you do meet the right person, but at the wrong time? Maybe the right time is just around the corner, there just needs to be things that you have to do first?
I just wish people knew how much they do mean to others, and I guess I also need to take my own advice cause i'm guilty of this as well! For example I know munch would love it if the bloke cold come to his show, but I can't and don't expect that.... but just by the sheer fact that munch wants him there, show's me that munchkin really does still think a lot of him, I don't think the bloke has realised how much of a positive impact he has had.... in the same way i have seen how many people rallied round me and thought about me over the past Christmas and it has made me see that there are a lot more people who care than I thought!!
I guess all I want in the end is to be someones favourite hello, and their hardest goodbye.
I'm old enough to know that no-one is perfect, but that doesn't mean someone isn't perfect for me.... if they can accept your imperfections and still care, then that's the one you don't want to lose!!
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