There are some people you will always miss..... I have a few in my life.
There are those that I can't see very often thanks to distance, but I guess it's one of the drawbacks about moving away from where you grew up?!
There are those that I'll miss as they are no longer here. Thankfully not a situation I've had to deal with too much, but someone I used to work with gets buried tomorrow, and I can't be there to say goodbye, although I've never been great with funerals anyway.... RIP xx
And there are those people who are still around but not.... I was never going to live up to the ghosts of the past.
Sometimes I guess people just want to be able to drink and shag around, without anything more meaningful. Or in my case once they did that, as i was the safety blanket for if it didn't work out!
I think at the moment I'm just angry with myself for I want to be able to have more control over things.... and it WILL come in time, I'm just not patient enough!
I have paid a few things off this month, and have a meeting with the bank to see where i stand so i can get rid of the knob head. The pay rise I'm hoping I get I now won't find out about till April so it may be I can't even think about finishing sorting this out till then?
I always end up feeling like the bad parent for so much of the time as I am the one who has to say no, to discipline, to be the 'boring' one.... Today i had to put my foot down as his dad wanted to drop on him that the bint's brother has about 6 months to live as he has lung cancer... Told him that he is not to drop that on munch as i am the one who will have to deal with the consequences, after all the nightmares and sobbing over death i have already had to do.... why would he even consider laying that on a 10 year old when it's not even a blood relative??
And then there is the 'everything else' category.... do i look for another job or don't I? I've contemplated looking abroad and just moving me and munch away from everything. I've looked into Canada but with my job, i don't earn enough points, and i don't fancy being a nurse or fireman to get in easier!!!
And what do I do about me? I went for my photo shoot Thursday and although there were some really nice shots, there were some in certain poses which were horrible.... and now i have old insecurities running round my head. I know they have affected me today, and it is always so easy to fall back into old habits... it's the one time when i feel in control of something and as I see the results you get that sense of achievement!
Also there is the King and Danny.... both are possibilities but although they are nice and can chat to them no problems there is something missing, and I think that might just be because what I feel at the moment I just can't turn off (even if he can).... I know he is far from perfect, and he can act like a complete bloke (=plonker) but I've never looked for perfect, as perfection doesn't exist! And it is more than that as I've said before..... I do get him more than he realises, and I know he gets me a hell of a lot more than i wished he did, as it makes me feel like i am losing a friend that knows me like no-one has ever really bothered to before.... And that in itself is a lonely feeling!
What to do? Wish I knew!! But before I sound too doom and gloom, I do want to say I know it's not.... I have the munch, the most important thing to me, and regardless of how I wish that I had munch with someone else other than knob, i also know I can hold my head high as throughout I am the one that supports us... I don't need the knobhead for that, which I think is a decent two fingers up at him!! And I do have good nights... there are the nights like I had Tuesday when we went round friends for a DVD night and food.... and then Monday night when I just got to actually relax properly and chill out with a chinese with the bloke, and those nights are great as I know I'll never have those when he moves, doubt I'll even see him then, as i can't imagine wanting to come and visit, not when everything is so shiny and new and exciting where he will be, as all I'll ever be then is history to him. Guess I don't know how much value that has?
Anyway, I've added a link to a song I heard today for the first time in a while, and quite like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umBmQo_jWO8&ob=av2e
But you can't hold on to waterIt fills you up but never staysIt's only good to wash away today
And you're loving me like waterYou're slippin' through my fingers' touchA natural disaster, loveBringing on the flood, the floodLove me like a flood, a flood, bring it on
Stayed the night out by the beach house, it's all so quietLit a candle by the window so you might find itHope you know you'll always have a place to call your homeStill, I can't help but think I could have saved you from drowning
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