The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal

Trouble sleeping? Me too.... although it's a problem that i have quite often!


"The scars you can’t see are the hardest to heal"  Astrid Alauda


I guess this quote sums me up quite well!
It's hard to explain to people, it's hard to explain to myself! 
To get to where i had after the knob-head cheated on me, took so much effort and energy, and i know that i wasn't whole after that, but i also knew i never would be, i just hoped that i would be whole enough. 


However, now i just don't know what i am?!?! 


In someways this time hurts more. 
Before i had anger and hate to get me through. How i was treated  for the few years before we split is unforgivable, the things i was put through, the way i was made to feel about myself, and the fact that i was so scared about how he would react depending on what mood he was in that day is something no-one should be put through, and to know that your child also picks up on the fact that sometimes it is better to stay quiet and out the way in case his dad bursts into a rage still breaks my heart.... no child should see that kind of outburst from a parent. And it still scares me.... as if it happens now then there is a good chance i won't be around to shield him from it!


Now i don't know where i am.... i know i am trying to find an answer to why, and i know that i risk driving him away as a friend. Not sure i'll ever understand it, i just feel that no matter what i do,  there is something wrong with me that i can't, or don't, deserve to have anyone give two hoots about me....not to the point where they are willing to stick around, so far track history doesn't disagree.... 


I guess there is part of me that  feels that if i just disappeared there is no-one around that would really be bothered.... sure friends might miss me for a short while, but people come and go and it wouldn't be to soon before i was just a distant memory.... and i do know the munchkin loves me and would miss me to a certain degree, but he'll soon be at the age where he has his own life anyway, and he still has his dad no matter what kind of dickhead he is! Next year he'll have a step  mom, and then it will only be another year or so and he'll have a brother or sister!


And i think some of that is where i am struggling. At one point i had resigned myself to the fact that all i would ever have is the munchkin, then i met someone who stupidly gave me a glimmer of hope that i wasn't so damaged, that potentially we could be our own family.... and i don't necessarily mean getting married, i've already accepted the fact that no-one is going to be willing to say to the world that i am good enough for them to want to be with forever... but it hurts to see all my friends settling down, getting married, having kids and i guess i am trying to come to terms with the fact that now i know i'm not going to have more kids.... along with the fact that i am just too far damaged to actually be with someone.


i just don't know where do i go from here? People keep telling me i'm strong but i'm not!!!! I keep all the hurt and pain inside as i can't let my son see me crumble like that.... at least till he's not around.... When hes not it's completely different!!


I've gone back to old habits, and they aren't good for me.... but i can't break them either! 


I am just frustrated with myself for being like this.... i know it's not an attractive feature of my personality, and it will scare someone off before i even give them a chance, but i don't know if i want to give anyone the chance now!?! 
I've been trying, i really have, yet i don't think i can do it again, certainly not yet, not if this weekend is one to go by.... and thinking that he is, what is going on, probably with people he works with, is more than my head can deal with at the moment, and yet i know i can't stop any of it, i don't have any control or rights here, for whatever reason what we had that i thought was good, wasn't good enough, i'm just trying to figure out how i go forward!!


"It’s hard to tell your mind to stop loving someone when your heart still does" 
And yes i am trying to change it, but it's easier said than done!!