Everything at work seems to be slowly imploding and what people are expecting from me is utter nonsense, yet there is a part of me that refuses to let them win and beat me, I have to show them that I can do it and not that I make stupid mistakes.... it's not done me any favours this week as I think I have been putting in 12 hour days pretty much. Maybe I'm my own worse enemy when it comes to this kind of stuff as I am also my own worse critic?
What doesn't help is constantly pulling the knife out my back because at the moment people don't like the fact that I do what I do and I do it without needing them, so in order to validate their own existence they have to destroy me :0(
And then there is the everything else that is going on... and that is even worse!
As a person I am just lost and I don't know how to find myself.
It's like being Jekyll and Hyde as although I can see myself being such a twat, I can't stop it either.... I'm just trying to understand how I move forward. It's not even a case of meeting blokes cause if I wanted this week I could have gone on four different dates but I just don't feel anything at the moment... my heart hasn't done the flip flop that I had experienced with the past bloke...
I've been thinking about it all... everything that has scarred me so I can try and start putting this humpty dumpty together. When the knob head he left, he deeply scarred me with the mental damage he did to me for years, making me feel so worthless.
I'm not even sure if I ever truly loved him, or if I did it died many years before we split up, and I was just stupid (and scared) to end it when I should, as we had the munch... but when we split I didn't notice too much in a lot of ways. Being alone in the evenings wasn't a problem as I had spent so long with him working nights it wasn't noticeable (or he said he was working... given what i know now he was probably sleeping with escorts or dogging!)
However with the past bloke it was different.
I miss him!!!! Some of that is missing him being in my life, as with him I felt something more (maybe something more grown-up?)... he took the time to see past my scars to see the real me, or more of the real me than anyone else had ever bothered to, but I guess dealing with that was too much in the end?
I'm now trying to get past the fact that I tried but even that wasn't good enough, and he has probably already got someone else in mind, and found a replacement for me..... I just don't know WHAT I did wrong not to be good enough?
And the other thing that hurts is knowing that being with me made him lapse into a period of being depressed... if I do that to someone then i don't deserve to be with someone else?
Maybe the 'honeymoon period' got rushed and I made a fatal error asking him to move in? I don't know if he expected that 'butterfly in the stomach feeling' to last forever or have that 'i just know' type reaction?
I do know that type of feeling can't/doesn't last as that's just pure Hollywood, but if what 'could have been' just wasn't good enough as I don't have more to offer than just me?
After all what is love, other than a chemical reaction?
After that initial reaction what you hope to be left with is someone who is your friend, who understands you better than most people, someone who you know will back you up and be there for you no matter what, someone you can trust without fail, who you can have fun and a laugh with, who you are happy to sit there in silence and not feel like you have to make idle chit chat, it is someone who makes you feel calm even when there is a storm raging around you, listen to you when you are troubled and help you find the answer you need without telling you what to do..... guess that isn't me?
All I want is someone who will bring me flowers to cheer me up if they know I have had a bad day even if they are just from the petrol station, hug me when I've had a bad day, will sit here and stroke my hair while saying nothing, laugh with me at the stupid stuff (or laugh at me if i am the stupid stuff!), act like a big kid sometimes and not take everything to seriously, be kind to me and the munch, want more from life like expanding the family they join and accepting that it isn't the old fashioned version of a family but doesn't make it any less important, to get on with my friends as they are my family.... and don't mind when i get on with their friends... someone who will dance in the rain with me if that's how the mood takes us!!
I just want to know if i am missed if i am not around, as at the moment i am lost in the shuffle and i don't think i would be missed if i just shuffled off!
However, I did google 'love' to see what the Internet came up, just out of curiosity!
tenderness, fondness, predilection, warmth, passion, adoration
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection
sexual passion or desire
a person toward whom love is felt; beloved person, sweetheart
A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness
A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance
- sexual passion
- sexual intercourse
- a love affair
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