I don't know where to start, or where to begin.... how do i make sense of what is swirling around in my head? It feels like its all just circling the drain, waiting to be flushed down the plughole!
I know one thing though... I'm tired, just really really tired!
Tired of always having to be the grown up, tired of feeling the weight of the responsibility of everything, tired of having people out to undermine me because i am actually capable of doing my job but mostly i am just tired of always being the one who has to always be strong, tired of not having some to help me when it gets hard. I don't need to have someone fix me, i can do that myself if i just need someone there to give me some encouragement every now and again, someone who doesn't mind if they have to be strong for me on occassions.
I had a phone call tonight that just made me feel sick to my stomach.... An old friend rang me after bumping into his ex. She'd showed him pictures and phone recording of his son who he hasn't seen for nearly two years now, and this has now screwed with his head again, so he ended up ringing me up while he was drunk..... i can understand that but the last time this happened he was threatening suicide and scared me to death..... this time i had to tell him i couldn't come and get him and now i am just worried about what he will do.....
He'd been going on about how sorry he was that he had hurt me all those years ago, how he wished things could have been different and how he wished he still was with me as he had never stopped loving me..... All of this being the booze talking really, i know that, but it wasn't fair to put all that on me, especially at the moment!!
It's just that it's not him i would want a second chance with....
Second chances are great, but 16 years is probably a bit too long with too much gone on!! And anyway things in my life are complicated enough as it is already!
There's things with the knobhead ex i still have to sort out and deal with, and there always will be to a certain extent, at least till munchkin is an adult, i have to deal with the fact that next year my son, my family... will also have a step mom, and i just can't handle the bint trying to edge in on what my role is, regardless of whether she is just trying to be 'friendly' or not... she can fook off.
And then there is the bloke..... who doesn't want to be with me, yet we still get drawn together at times. Is that wrong? I don't know the answer to that... to me is just feels comfortable, like home... somewhere, or someone, i can feel safe with, even just for a little while... i don't know he thinks, maybe something similar? Or maybe he's being like all other blokes in my life have been?
However he still is one of the most important people in my life, as he is one of the very few people who really know me.... and yet it just feels like i am losing him, whether that is through distance with him moving away, or him staying here and being with someone else, telling them all the things he used to say to me.....i just can't shake that feeling i have.
Maybe i should have shouted more about all the great things he did for me when we was together,so that he didn't feel like he wasn't important to me? I never expect perfection from anyone as i am far from that myself.... it's not about ticking all the boxes, it's about ticking the right ones - isn't it?
I suppose i should just go bed and try to sleep.... try and ring my friend tomorrow to check he hasn't done anything stupid, and just plod on trying to deal with each issue as they are hurled at me?
And to those i care about
Love you lots, like jelly tots x
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