"I’m a girl. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I dream big. And when I say I love you, I’m not lying"
Trouble with lie-In's is the fact that I end up not being able to sleep at a normal time that night... so here I am (hello!!)
This was my first weekend without munch since Christmas eve so it's been a while since I was able to just relax for a bit.
It didn't start out to good, Friday night I think everything had just got to me.... It's been busy and stressful at work, the funeral for my friend was on Saturday and I'd had to put my foot down with the knob-head so he wouldn't tell munch about bint's brother having terminal cancer (and for the record that's not something I would wish on anyone, but at the same time I also don't understand why he would want to lay that sort of thing on a 10 year old either, he's too young and it's not something he has to be exposed to yet).
Anyway I was just upset and down Friday, and the bloke rung up and heard me upset.... He ended up checking out of his hotel and coming over. I don't think he realises how much that meant to me.... it's rare to find someone who will do that for you and when you do have that person in your life then you just hope they don't ever disappear from it! I do feel bad though that he paid for a hotel he never used.... but tbh, he is one of the few people I would do the same for xx
It's such a shame as we still get on so well, and a lot of what we want are similar.... I know when he came over he talked a little bit about some of what had happened to him, guess just to show I am not a complete nutter and that blokes and women just react differently... and he was talking about how much he wanted kids.... I've seen how he is with his niece and nephew, and with munch and he'd be great at it!!
I guess in some ways I just wish I did have that spark he was looking for... as I've never met anyone who cares about me like he does, or who I have felt this way about.
Went to my friends house-warming/engagement/birthday party last night, and turned out to be a good laugh (and only cost me taxi fare and a couple of bottles - #bonus).
Their house is great, and got to spend sometime with a bunch of my friends just having a giggle .... managed to get through two bottles of wine though and I do remember towards the end of the night dancing quite a bit with the bloke they'd hired to tend the bar.... poor bloke! I think he was only about 24 and he did keep trying to escape but none of us was letting him go!
I don't quite remember getting into bed, always the sign of a good night! When I got up I went through and checked I'd remembered to lock the front door and had brought home all my stuff, which I had so it's all good!
Now I think I really do need to think about going to bed, although feeling a little woozy in the head, like I'm slightly off balance. Would say it was a hangover but it's only come about in the last hour or so... wonder if I've still got a bit of water in my ear from the shower??? Oh well either that or the floor and walls have decided they need to keep moving a little?
Night all, sleep tight don't let the bed bugs bite xx
Monday, 30 January 2012
Friday, 27 January 2012
Death & Goodbyes....
There are some people you will always miss..... I have a few in my life.
There are those that I can't see very often thanks to distance, but I guess it's one of the drawbacks about moving away from where you grew up?!
There are those that I'll miss as they are no longer here. Thankfully not a situation I've had to deal with too much, but someone I used to work with gets buried tomorrow, and I can't be there to say goodbye, although I've never been great with funerals anyway.... RIP xx
And there are those people who are still around but not.... I was never going to live up to the ghosts of the past.
Sometimes I guess people just want to be able to drink and shag around, without anything more meaningful. Or in my case once they did that, as i was the safety blanket for if it didn't work out!
I think at the moment I'm just angry with myself for I want to be able to have more control over things.... and it WILL come in time, I'm just not patient enough!
I have paid a few things off this month, and have a meeting with the bank to see where i stand so i can get rid of the knob head. The pay rise I'm hoping I get I now won't find out about till April so it may be I can't even think about finishing sorting this out till then?
I always end up feeling like the bad parent for so much of the time as I am the one who has to say no, to discipline, to be the 'boring' one.... Today i had to put my foot down as his dad wanted to drop on him that the bint's brother has about 6 months to live as he has lung cancer... Told him that he is not to drop that on munch as i am the one who will have to deal with the consequences, after all the nightmares and sobbing over death i have already had to do.... why would he even consider laying that on a 10 year old when it's not even a blood relative??
And then there is the 'everything else' category.... do i look for another job or don't I? I've contemplated looking abroad and just moving me and munch away from everything. I've looked into Canada but with my job, i don't earn enough points, and i don't fancy being a nurse or fireman to get in easier!!!
And what do I do about me? I went for my photo shoot Thursday and although there were some really nice shots, there were some in certain poses which were horrible.... and now i have old insecurities running round my head. I know they have affected me today, and it is always so easy to fall back into old habits... it's the one time when i feel in control of something and as I see the results you get that sense of achievement!
Also there is the King and Danny.... both are possibilities but although they are nice and can chat to them no problems there is something missing, and I think that might just be because what I feel at the moment I just can't turn off (even if he can).... I know he is far from perfect, and he can act like a complete bloke (=plonker) but I've never looked for perfect, as perfection doesn't exist! And it is more than that as I've said before..... I do get him more than he realises, and I know he gets me a hell of a lot more than i wished he did, as it makes me feel like i am losing a friend that knows me like no-one has ever really bothered to before.... And that in itself is a lonely feeling!
What to do? Wish I knew!! But before I sound too doom and gloom, I do want to say I know it's not.... I have the munch, the most important thing to me, and regardless of how I wish that I had munch with someone else other than knob, i also know I can hold my head high as throughout I am the one that supports us... I don't need the knobhead for that, which I think is a decent two fingers up at him!! And I do have good nights... there are the nights like I had Tuesday when we went round friends for a DVD night and food.... and then Monday night when I just got to actually relax properly and chill out with a chinese with the bloke, and those nights are great as I know I'll never have those when he moves, doubt I'll even see him then, as i can't imagine wanting to come and visit, not when everything is so shiny and new and exciting where he will be, as all I'll ever be then is history to him. Guess I don't know how much value that has?
Anyway, I've added a link to a song I heard today for the first time in a while, and quite like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umBmQo_jWO8&ob=av2e
But you can't hold on to waterIt fills you up but never staysIt's only good to wash away today
And you're loving me like waterYou're slippin' through my fingers' touchA natural disaster, loveBringing on the flood, the floodLove me like a flood, a flood, bring it on
Stayed the night out by the beach house, it's all so quietLit a candle by the window so you might find itHope you know you'll always have a place to call your homeStill, I can't help but think I could have saved you from drowning
There are those that I can't see very often thanks to distance, but I guess it's one of the drawbacks about moving away from where you grew up?!
There are those that I'll miss as they are no longer here. Thankfully not a situation I've had to deal with too much, but someone I used to work with gets buried tomorrow, and I can't be there to say goodbye, although I've never been great with funerals anyway.... RIP xx
And there are those people who are still around but not.... I was never going to live up to the ghosts of the past.
Sometimes I guess people just want to be able to drink and shag around, without anything more meaningful. Or in my case once they did that, as i was the safety blanket for if it didn't work out!
I think at the moment I'm just angry with myself for I want to be able to have more control over things.... and it WILL come in time, I'm just not patient enough!
I have paid a few things off this month, and have a meeting with the bank to see where i stand so i can get rid of the knob head. The pay rise I'm hoping I get I now won't find out about till April so it may be I can't even think about finishing sorting this out till then?
I always end up feeling like the bad parent for so much of the time as I am the one who has to say no, to discipline, to be the 'boring' one.... Today i had to put my foot down as his dad wanted to drop on him that the bint's brother has about 6 months to live as he has lung cancer... Told him that he is not to drop that on munch as i am the one who will have to deal with the consequences, after all the nightmares and sobbing over death i have already had to do.... why would he even consider laying that on a 10 year old when it's not even a blood relative??
And then there is the 'everything else' category.... do i look for another job or don't I? I've contemplated looking abroad and just moving me and munch away from everything. I've looked into Canada but with my job, i don't earn enough points, and i don't fancy being a nurse or fireman to get in easier!!!
And what do I do about me? I went for my photo shoot Thursday and although there were some really nice shots, there were some in certain poses which were horrible.... and now i have old insecurities running round my head. I know they have affected me today, and it is always so easy to fall back into old habits... it's the one time when i feel in control of something and as I see the results you get that sense of achievement!
Also there is the King and Danny.... both are possibilities but although they are nice and can chat to them no problems there is something missing, and I think that might just be because what I feel at the moment I just can't turn off (even if he can).... I know he is far from perfect, and he can act like a complete bloke (=plonker) but I've never looked for perfect, as perfection doesn't exist! And it is more than that as I've said before..... I do get him more than he realises, and I know he gets me a hell of a lot more than i wished he did, as it makes me feel like i am losing a friend that knows me like no-one has ever really bothered to before.... And that in itself is a lonely feeling!
What to do? Wish I knew!! But before I sound too doom and gloom, I do want to say I know it's not.... I have the munch, the most important thing to me, and regardless of how I wish that I had munch with someone else other than knob, i also know I can hold my head high as throughout I am the one that supports us... I don't need the knobhead for that, which I think is a decent two fingers up at him!! And I do have good nights... there are the nights like I had Tuesday when we went round friends for a DVD night and food.... and then Monday night when I just got to actually relax properly and chill out with a chinese with the bloke, and those nights are great as I know I'll never have those when he moves, doubt I'll even see him then, as i can't imagine wanting to come and visit, not when everything is so shiny and new and exciting where he will be, as all I'll ever be then is history to him. Guess I don't know how much value that has?
Anyway, I've added a link to a song I heard today for the first time in a while, and quite like
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=umBmQo_jWO8&ob=av2e
But you can't hold on to waterIt fills you up but never staysIt's only good to wash away today
And you're loving me like waterYou're slippin' through my fingers' touchA natural disaster, loveBringing on the flood, the floodLove me like a flood, a flood, bring it on
Stayed the night out by the beach house, it's all so quietLit a candle by the window so you might find itHope you know you'll always have a place to call your homeStill, I can't help but think I could have saved you from drowning
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
open wide and say ggrrr
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ksPWvoaluFc&feature=fvwrel
What a rough day! It's not like i can say there was one thing that was really bad.... it's more like the sum of everything over the past week or so has added up and today's it's just reached tipping point. Had enough today!
I miss certain people so much so the song on here is for them. Wish I could do more but I am only human and i have flaws.... wish somone would accept me for them as i do theirs.....
Shame about today as the past couple of nights were great. Liked spending time with friends yesterday and loved chilling out with one of the few people i actually relax with on monday. Pity the good stuff doesn't last! Stupid life!!
What a rough day! It's not like i can say there was one thing that was really bad.... it's more like the sum of everything over the past week or so has added up and today's it's just reached tipping point. Had enough today!
I miss certain people so much so the song on here is for them. Wish I could do more but I am only human and i have flaws.... wish somone would accept me for them as i do theirs.....
Shame about today as the past couple of nights were great. Liked spending time with friends yesterday and loved chilling out with one of the few people i actually relax with on monday. Pity the good stuff doesn't last! Stupid life!!
Fancy Feet
I love having nights like the past couple..... especially after the weekend i had!!
You forget how quick time goes by sometimes and although I may only feel like a twenty-something still, I think I still get surprised myself at the fact I am actually 33 (33....WTF?!?)
Went round to a friends tonight with a few people from work for food and to watch Dirty Dancing as two of them hadn't ever seen it.... I mean even munch had seen it once! Not sure we converted them to it but we may have convinced one of them to do the end dance when he gets married/civil partnership at marwell.... and the thing is he is the type of personality to actually do it and pull it off, although his partner is probably less inclined to give it a go so he'd need a stand in haha!!
Last night was just cool, chance to chill out. Had some Chinese with the bloke and watched 'Yes Man' which actually made me LOL properly in parts, was much better than i expected which was always good..... I miss these type of nights, and I think this one was needed after such a shitty weekend.
I can't lie I am going to miss it when he's gone, and not in any sort of kinky way, just having him around to actually be able to chill out with. I have a lot of acquaintances/people I get on with, but only a few which I would call proper close friends, and even less where I can completely relax like I did last night....
Need to finish sorting out an outfit for Thursday.... should be interesting, hopefully I'll enjoy it? Not done anything like this for a long time, so guess I'll wait and see. Just hope I like the results!!
You forget how quick time goes by sometimes and although I may only feel like a twenty-something still, I think I still get surprised myself at the fact I am actually 33 (33....WTF?!?)
Went round to a friends tonight with a few people from work for food and to watch Dirty Dancing as two of them hadn't ever seen it.... I mean even munch had seen it once! Not sure we converted them to it but we may have convinced one of them to do the end dance when he gets married/civil partnership at marwell.... and the thing is he is the type of personality to actually do it and pull it off, although his partner is probably less inclined to give it a go so he'd need a stand in haha!!
Last night was just cool, chance to chill out. Had some Chinese with the bloke and watched 'Yes Man' which actually made me LOL properly in parts, was much better than i expected which was always good..... I miss these type of nights, and I think this one was needed after such a shitty weekend.
I can't lie I am going to miss it when he's gone, and not in any sort of kinky way, just having him around to actually be able to chill out with. I have a lot of acquaintances/people I get on with, but only a few which I would call proper close friends, and even less where I can completely relax like I did last night....
Need to finish sorting out an outfit for Thursday.... should be interesting, hopefully I'll enjoy it? Not done anything like this for a long time, so guess I'll wait and see. Just hope I like the results!!
Monday, 23 January 2012
Goodbye my friend :0(
This weekend has been a little odd and more than a little tough!
Always knew that it would be a quiet one as it's the wrong side of payday, so avoided doing anything to extravagant. Spent the weekend just catching up on a few bits and pieces, spent time with the munch watching a few films.... even tried helping him out with his homework which in itself is starting to turn into a mission these days!!
You know the show 'are you smarter than a 10 year old', I think my answer on the whole would have to be no looking at his homework.... managed to hold my own a little bit with his maths homework though.
It's been tough this weekend as i found out someone I used to work with passed away this week. They was only 39 and so it makes it a bit harsh..... I hadn't seen them for a while but they was the sort of person I could go for a few months without seeing but when we caught up it was like we'd only chatted the week before.
Worse thing is I've not had anyone here to talk to, all I wanted was a hug off someone, but I don't have anyone (munch excluded as it's not fair to use my child in that way). Goes back to what I have always said, I am by myself, like always, with no-one to actually give a shit about how I am..... I really do wonder sometimes what I have done wrong to deserve this? I guess I must just be not a very nice person otherwise why am I the one alone?
And then just to help me feel even better this weekend I have knob head thinking he still has control over when I can come and go, in order for him to 'pop' round to see munch.... and when I say we have plans and that it will have to be a different time you can hear the dis-taste in the response.... it's not like I said he couldn't come round at all!
And the last bits of salt in the wound tonight is coming across his picture on facebook (as we still have friends in common) and seeing the happy family snap he has as his profile picture of munchkin, him and the bint. I know he has every right to as he is his dad, but this was just after signing the form to get 3 tickets to munch's dance show... two for him and one for me..... Munch had really wanted the bloke to come too, but he probably won't be around by then as most likely he'd have moved, and I doubt he would have wanted to anyway as it's not the way a single bloke would want to spend his Saturday night.... but like I said - it's all salt in the wound.
I really do wonder sometime what I am doing? Am I being selfish in having munchkin with me or am I just giving him the wrong view of relationships? Not like I'm successful in them!! I had one person I should have left years ago, who I let almost destroy my self confidence, and then the one other person I actually loved decide I wasn't good enough and is now moving away? Not the greatest success story is it????
I know I'm not in the best of moods tonight and am probably feeling a lot of woe is me.... Guess finding out about my friend has been the main cause... hopefully I'll feel better in the morning? Least I've not had the texts to deal with too much this weekend as don't think I'm really in the 'fun and flirty' mood at the moment, and they aren't the people to even show this type of crazy too!
Bed I guess.... work in the morning. That's just one big mess to deal with this week, with all the stress and headaches, but at least there it's not anything I have caused or done, just usual project stuff going wrong - at least that sort of stuff I can usually handle, and it will distract me for a bit!
Always knew that it would be a quiet one as it's the wrong side of payday, so avoided doing anything to extravagant. Spent the weekend just catching up on a few bits and pieces, spent time with the munch watching a few films.... even tried helping him out with his homework which in itself is starting to turn into a mission these days!!
You know the show 'are you smarter than a 10 year old', I think my answer on the whole would have to be no looking at his homework.... managed to hold my own a little bit with his maths homework though.
It's been tough this weekend as i found out someone I used to work with passed away this week. They was only 39 and so it makes it a bit harsh..... I hadn't seen them for a while but they was the sort of person I could go for a few months without seeing but when we caught up it was like we'd only chatted the week before.
Worse thing is I've not had anyone here to talk to, all I wanted was a hug off someone, but I don't have anyone (munch excluded as it's not fair to use my child in that way). Goes back to what I have always said, I am by myself, like always, with no-one to actually give a shit about how I am..... I really do wonder sometimes what I have done wrong to deserve this? I guess I must just be not a very nice person otherwise why am I the one alone?
And then just to help me feel even better this weekend I have knob head thinking he still has control over when I can come and go, in order for him to 'pop' round to see munch.... and when I say we have plans and that it will have to be a different time you can hear the dis-taste in the response.... it's not like I said he couldn't come round at all!
And the last bits of salt in the wound tonight is coming across his picture on facebook (as we still have friends in common) and seeing the happy family snap he has as his profile picture of munchkin, him and the bint. I know he has every right to as he is his dad, but this was just after signing the form to get 3 tickets to munch's dance show... two for him and one for me..... Munch had really wanted the bloke to come too, but he probably won't be around by then as most likely he'd have moved, and I doubt he would have wanted to anyway as it's not the way a single bloke would want to spend his Saturday night.... but like I said - it's all salt in the wound.
I really do wonder sometime what I am doing? Am I being selfish in having munchkin with me or am I just giving him the wrong view of relationships? Not like I'm successful in them!! I had one person I should have left years ago, who I let almost destroy my self confidence, and then the one other person I actually loved decide I wasn't good enough and is now moving away? Not the greatest success story is it????
I know I'm not in the best of moods tonight and am probably feeling a lot of woe is me.... Guess finding out about my friend has been the main cause... hopefully I'll feel better in the morning? Least I've not had the texts to deal with too much this weekend as don't think I'm really in the 'fun and flirty' mood at the moment, and they aren't the people to even show this type of crazy too!
Bed I guess.... work in the morning. That's just one big mess to deal with this week, with all the stress and headaches, but at least there it's not anything I have caused or done, just usual project stuff going wrong - at least that sort of stuff I can usually handle, and it will distract me for a bit!
Saturday, 21 January 2012
:'(
I'm going to miss you so much.... who am I going to be able to talk to?
It's not going to be the same without you around.... xx
It's not going to be the same without you around.... xx
Ow
Just sat down as munch has just popped up the shop with his dad... I'm struggling a bit now!
My back is in pieces today and I'm even contemplating getting into the pjs now! Them and a hot water bottle..
Also my head is spinning, too many little things people have said over the last couple of days just keep playing on my mind.... People can be so f***ing insensitive sometimes and it has really just annoyed me!
All I want at the moment is a big bear hug!!!!
Going to sort through and pick a few outfits later ready for later on this week, it's going be a bit odd but hopefully will go alright!!
My back is in pieces today and I'm even contemplating getting into the pjs now! Them and a hot water bottle..
Also my head is spinning, too many little things people have said over the last couple of days just keep playing on my mind.... People can be so f***ing insensitive sometimes and it has really just annoyed me!
All I want at the moment is a big bear hug!!!!
Going to sort through and pick a few outfits later ready for later on this week, it's going be a bit odd but hopefully will go alright!!
Friday, 20 January 2012
When you make decisions, follow your heart and not your mind. For if your mind’s decision fails, you regret. But if your heart fails, you just smile and say, “Nice try"!
What do we end up regretting more? The things we do, even when after the fact because of the consequences we might wish we hadn't, or things we wish we had the courage to do, but didn't go through with for fear of what the consequences might be?
Still debating... do I send or don't I? Will it destroy anything that's left or will it make them think? Probably the first knowing how my luck goes!
Still, I am trying to move forward... coffee today, got coffee tomorrow, chatting to the King...... all are potentials but do they replace? Don't know????
I have been replaced... or I know that I may not be physically replaced yet, I already am not missed!!! I wasn't young or niave enough, or maybe just wasn't good enough? I just know I never was, or ever had the chance, to be part of the crowd as I was always kept at a distance.
Guess in the end I just cared more than they did.... and maybe I was just too good for them as they weren't ready to handle that.... I deserve to be treated exactly as my name suggests... Like a princess, because in the end I would have treated them just as good (if not better) back.... But who likes someone who is good and kind to them, guess blokes only like you if you treat them like a bitch?
What do we end up regretting more? The things we do, even when after the fact because of the consequences we might wish we hadn't, or things we wish we had the courage to do, but didn't go through with for fear of what the consequences might be?
Still debating... do I send or don't I? Will it destroy anything that's left or will it make them think? Probably the first knowing how my luck goes!
Still, I am trying to move forward... coffee today, got coffee tomorrow, chatting to the King...... all are potentials but do they replace? Don't know????
I have been replaced... or I know that I may not be physically replaced yet, I already am not missed!!! I wasn't young or niave enough, or maybe just wasn't good enough? I just know I never was, or ever had the chance, to be part of the crowd as I was always kept at a distance.
Guess in the end I just cared more than they did.... and maybe I was just too good for them as they weren't ready to handle that.... I deserve to be treated exactly as my name suggests... Like a princess, because in the end I would have treated them just as good (if not better) back.... But who likes someone who is good and kind to them, guess blokes only like you if you treat them like a bitch?
Thursday, 19 January 2012
Bye bye Abs
All change again today as it was Abi's last day..... another friend that leaves. Not that i don't think i'm going to see her again as i will.... it's just that it's another thing that's changing, another person going.... guess I should be used to it as everyone always leaves, and going to have to face this again soon enough!
Rat Race
Bed time soon.... Need to try and be fresh faced and bushy tailed for part one of two!
Spent some of tonight chatting to part two, so just hope we haven't used all conversation tonight and have nothing left for Friday lol! Guess I'll find out in a couple of days?
Talked to The King again tonight.... doesn't sound like he's having the best time of it either, sometimes not sure if I'm ready for this? I was ready for this but the 'with whom' was different
Managed to not smash any work phones, or lose a phone attached to my ear, so other than running late and thinking it was Thursday rather than Wednesday, I've survived another day in the rat race!
Looks like it's gonna be chaos for the year at work.... Told the knob-head today that I'm likely to have to go to Cape Town at some point this year, don't think he's happy about that but he doesn't seem bothered about taking 3 weeks out and how it affects my work so i though f*** him, I'm fed up of never being able to do this, when it would actually benefit my job, for no reason. I have no loyalty to him and no responsibility for the fact he can't work the same hours then..... The one thing i am concerned about though is if i do go i don't want him staying in my house.... and i certainly don't want the bint stepping one foot in here, but i also know that if he's still on the mortgage he'll pull the 'well this is still my house too' shit!
Oh well.... bed!!!
Night y'all
Spent some of tonight chatting to part two, so just hope we haven't used all conversation tonight and have nothing left for Friday lol! Guess I'll find out in a couple of days?
Talked to The King again tonight.... doesn't sound like he's having the best time of it either, sometimes not sure if I'm ready for this? I was ready for this but the 'with whom' was different
Managed to not smash any work phones, or lose a phone attached to my ear, so other than running late and thinking it was Thursday rather than Wednesday, I've survived another day in the rat race!
Looks like it's gonna be chaos for the year at work.... Told the knob-head today that I'm likely to have to go to Cape Town at some point this year, don't think he's happy about that but he doesn't seem bothered about taking 3 weeks out and how it affects my work so i though f*** him, I'm fed up of never being able to do this, when it would actually benefit my job, for no reason. I have no loyalty to him and no responsibility for the fact he can't work the same hours then..... The one thing i am concerned about though is if i do go i don't want him staying in my house.... and i certainly don't want the bint stepping one foot in here, but i also know that if he's still on the mortgage he'll pull the 'well this is still my house too' shit!
Oh well.... bed!!!
Night y'all
Tuesday, 17 January 2012
chit chat
OMG sometime I am blonder than even I realise!
Was talking to The King today and was looking for my phone while I was talking to him on it.... d'oh! Wouldn't have minded so much but had Betsy here at the time and she knew what I had done! Talk about feeling like an idiot!!
Has been a good night as we made fajitas and just been chit chatting, mainly about peeps at work and the like.... looked at her pics of Dubai (not jealous at all ahem!)
See how this week pans out I guess. The King has been in wales today, there is a leaving do this week, and then I have two lunch things this week with the rack 'em and stack 'em lot..... so i guess there are bits to keep me busy?
In all the chit chat I guess I just wish that people would realise I am not as easy target as they assume.... and I am not the complete mug that they may take me for!
Don't get me wrong I am of the age now, that as much as I hate having to be a grown up, circumstances mean i can't escape some of it...I'd love to be free and easy sometimes (and trust me the offer for being easy if I want it has been there several times with several random people from the past, but that's not what i am about) but I think i am at the stage now where boasting about how many people you have slept with and how many randoms you have hooked up with, has passed..... actually I don't think I have ever fully taken part in this and to be honest I don't feel I have missed out like many people often do. Anyway I think this type of boast is mainly a male trait, although for most of them really it is just that.... a boast. Not the truth lol!
I guess there are plenty of people that go for the younger model as they are the ones who are more likely to be in awe of the bloke, and less likely to point out their bullshit and have their own back bone, which blokes don't seem to like..... and by that rule I guess I'm screwed unless I go for a 40+ guy??????
Hell, lets face it.... I was dumped for a younger model! Cliched? yes, but true...... And I know this has happened for definite once, maybe more...going by past history dealing with someone of their own age was an issue.... lets face it blokes don't like it if they aren't held in awe, the kind that comes from having someone younger and less life experienced there?
It seems having someone who actually understands and respects them doesn't seem to count much with the male species these days.
Plus the fact I am just not the 'hot' type..... I show the scars of having a real life.... emotional and physical ones.... I know I'm not about to have someone stop in the street and say 'damn' at me.... but I also accept that, just would be nice to sometimes feel only partially that special to someone.... thought I might have found that..... but then guess it was shown not to be and i feel like the idiot then?
So as much as I wish I wasn't here I'm back to square one again.... or maybe 1.5? Or even 2 by now with some?
Not by choice, but by default..... I'm not closing the door on what could be, but I am not waiting around either.... I know what I wish would happen, and that's probably not a secret, but I can't influence any of that..... there is a case where people have to go backwards first to go forward, and see what could have been..... by the time they get there, the chance may have past? But they are the ones taking the risk, maybe it's the right one? or maybe it's the fact people always think there are things they should have done, but honestly most the time all they have done is missed out on the crappy bits if most people are honest.....maybe what they want has been in front of them, but they just didn't (or can't) allow themselves to go there for whatever reason they have due to something from their past?
Anyway as the saying goes there's nowt more stranger than folk????? shame most people bend to convention... Me included!!!
Was talking to The King today and was looking for my phone while I was talking to him on it.... d'oh! Wouldn't have minded so much but had Betsy here at the time and she knew what I had done! Talk about feeling like an idiot!!
Has been a good night as we made fajitas and just been chit chatting, mainly about peeps at work and the like.... looked at her pics of Dubai (not jealous at all ahem!)
See how this week pans out I guess. The King has been in wales today, there is a leaving do this week, and then I have two lunch things this week with the rack 'em and stack 'em lot..... so i guess there are bits to keep me busy?
In all the chit chat I guess I just wish that people would realise I am not as easy target as they assume.... and I am not the complete mug that they may take me for!
Don't get me wrong I am of the age now, that as much as I hate having to be a grown up, circumstances mean i can't escape some of it...I'd love to be free and easy sometimes (and trust me the offer for being easy if I want it has been there several times with several random people from the past, but that's not what i am about) but I think i am at the stage now where boasting about how many people you have slept with and how many randoms you have hooked up with, has passed..... actually I don't think I have ever fully taken part in this and to be honest I don't feel I have missed out like many people often do. Anyway I think this type of boast is mainly a male trait, although for most of them really it is just that.... a boast. Not the truth lol!
I guess there are plenty of people that go for the younger model as they are the ones who are more likely to be in awe of the bloke, and less likely to point out their bullshit and have their own back bone, which blokes don't seem to like..... and by that rule I guess I'm screwed unless I go for a 40+ guy??????
Hell, lets face it.... I was dumped for a younger model! Cliched? yes, but true...... And I know this has happened for definite once, maybe more...going by past history dealing with someone of their own age was an issue.... lets face it blokes don't like it if they aren't held in awe, the kind that comes from having someone younger and less life experienced there?
It seems having someone who actually understands and respects them doesn't seem to count much with the male species these days.
Plus the fact I am just not the 'hot' type..... I show the scars of having a real life.... emotional and physical ones.... I know I'm not about to have someone stop in the street and say 'damn' at me.... but I also accept that, just would be nice to sometimes feel only partially that special to someone.... thought I might have found that..... but then guess it was shown not to be and i feel like the idiot then?
So as much as I wish I wasn't here I'm back to square one again.... or maybe 1.5? Or even 2 by now with some?
Not by choice, but by default..... I'm not closing the door on what could be, but I am not waiting around either.... I know what I wish would happen, and that's probably not a secret, but I can't influence any of that..... there is a case where people have to go backwards first to go forward, and see what could have been..... by the time they get there, the chance may have past? But they are the ones taking the risk, maybe it's the right one? or maybe it's the fact people always think there are things they should have done, but honestly most the time all they have done is missed out on the crappy bits if most people are honest.....maybe what they want has been in front of them, but they just didn't (or can't) allow themselves to go there for whatever reason they have due to something from their past?
Anyway as the saying goes there's nowt more stranger than folk????? shame most people bend to convention... Me included!!!
Sandman
Seriously.... I need to sort out my sleep patterns! In my old age I've become a night owl (good for partying) but have definitely lost the early bird ability (not great for getting up for work!)
Think some of it is I always sleep better when there is someone in bed with me, I think it's the body warmth to be honest.. Maybe I need a person size hot water bottle? Ooo maybe I've just found a whole new marketing strategy there lol!
Mind you, might not be person size but my diddy hot water bottle has come in use this evening! Started having really bad cramps, the kind that make you double over in pain as you feel you are being stabbed repeatedly! The only thing that's eased it is the hot water bottle! I've not long come to bed and even those 5 minutes without it, it all started to hurt again, so I've gone to bed with it tonight!
When I spoke to the king earlier he must have thought I was a right numpty for sitting there with a hot water bottle lol!
Been trying to organise my social life lol! Got betsy over tomorrow, a double date with dawn and yazz Friday, meeting up for lunch a couple of times this week with some other planes to join the rack n stack, and hopefully go out with the neighbour in a free weekend in feb. then there's pizza night round Shaun's next week, and a house warming a week or so after that, regardless of what people may think of me I do try n make sure I have stuff to do!
Anyway sleeps, needs sleeps, and hopefully all the cramps go!!
Think some of it is I always sleep better when there is someone in bed with me, I think it's the body warmth to be honest.. Maybe I need a person size hot water bottle? Ooo maybe I've just found a whole new marketing strategy there lol!
Mind you, might not be person size but my diddy hot water bottle has come in use this evening! Started having really bad cramps, the kind that make you double over in pain as you feel you are being stabbed repeatedly! The only thing that's eased it is the hot water bottle! I've not long come to bed and even those 5 minutes without it, it all started to hurt again, so I've gone to bed with it tonight!
When I spoke to the king earlier he must have thought I was a right numpty for sitting there with a hot water bottle lol!
Been trying to organise my social life lol! Got betsy over tomorrow, a double date with dawn and yazz Friday, meeting up for lunch a couple of times this week with some other planes to join the rack n stack, and hopefully go out with the neighbour in a free weekend in feb. then there's pizza night round Shaun's next week, and a house warming a week or so after that, regardless of what people may think of me I do try n make sure I have stuff to do!
Anyway sleeps, needs sleeps, and hopefully all the cramps go!!
Monday, 16 January 2012
Lil ditty
"Do not let yesterdays disappointments overshadow on tomorrows dreams because your life is like a mirror, if you keep smiling it smiles right back to you....So, keep smiling."
And so, bit of a feel good songs to end the weekend... See if you can figure them out from the snippet of lyrics before you hit the link!
Hit the switch, push the button baby then you'll see, when can have it all baby, you and me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s6duvbnC0A&ob=av2e
You're the one that i dream about all day, you're the one that i think about always
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3HeLs8Yosw&feature=related
It's the way you touch me baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKYditQOduI&feature=related
Rock my world until the sunlight, make this dream the best i've ever known
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJtB55MaoD0&feature=related
Night all xx
And so, bit of a feel good songs to end the weekend... See if you can figure them out from the snippet of lyrics before you hit the link!
Hit the switch, push the button baby then you'll see, when can have it all baby, you and me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8s6duvbnC0A&ob=av2e
You're the one that i dream about all day, you're the one that i think about always
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3HeLs8Yosw&feature=related
It's the way you touch me baby
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TKYditQOduI&feature=related
Rock my world until the sunlight, make this dream the best i've ever known
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UJtB55MaoD0&feature=related
Night all xx
Perfectly imperfect?
It's been a relatively quiet weekend.... would have been one of my free weekends this month, but as I had to 'swap' the Christmas weekend, I swapped for this one as I thought being after Christmas I wouldn't have any money anyway.... and guess what I was right!
Think I may have to perform CPR on my bank account soon, just crossing fingers and praying that the fumes in there last till pay day - 11 days and counting (come on!)
Friday night was an impromptu visit to the neighbour for a drink or two. Took munch with me and to be fair, it was a good laugh. It's great having someone like that you can just pop round to, it's not something I've ever had before. We're going to try and sort out a proper night out soon. Think I did post something on here the other night after I got back.... think it was readable even though I was a little drunk lol!
Saturday just spent the day catching up on bit's and pieces.... it's amazing how quick all this mounts up... did manage to finally get the felt to redo the shed roof but I hate being such a weed, lifting the roll of felt was impossible and I only got it back by some careful lift and swivel manoeuvres with the shopping trolley.
I asked the bloke if he could help me with the roof in the end.... I hate having to ask as it makes me feel like a shit, but although I know how to do this stuff I just physically can't anymore, and that is hard for me to accept!
And although asking anyone for help is something I have trouble with, asking him doesn't feel so bad as in someways it still feels like this is his home.... It's hard to explain but it feels 'normal' with him here?!
He has said before that he doesn't feel like he has had a home anywhere for a very long time, but being here was as close as he'd been for a while, and I know that when he moved in here, to a house I had brought with someone else, and decorated by myself before I met him, it must of been hard.
But at the same time there is so many things here that need to be done, that over the space of a couple of years he would have made his own mark on here quite easily, and I'd have been happy for him to have done that - garden, kitchen, windows, re-doing downstairs floors, spare room.... the list is always endless!! What I told him months ago still stands and this is his home when he wants it. And to be honest, home isn't about the bricks and mortar, it's about the people there.
I know that isn't how he feels now in a lot of ways, all he is concentrating on is moving in with his friends and becoming roomies.... I guess there's a lot I don't understand these days... And there is probably a lot I don't know. And I can only look at things from my perspective?
I know he is lucky to have the kind of relationship he does with his friends and I know that they are his family in a lot of ways, I guess to me what he is doing now is something most people do in their 20's.... I think there is an element of thinking there are things that 'most' people have done that he hasn't and he just feels a little lost at the moment and so is seeing what he has missed out on... But having roommates who are about to get married, and who knows, even thinking about having their own family, i guess it's just a stop-gap solution anyway? And then there is moving jobs. I know it is in a new office and there maybe different opportunities there, but not long ago he wasn't even sure it was what he wanted to do any longer?
I know that feeling, I'm still wondering what it is I want to do... Where I am at the moment suits me and having the munch, it pays the bills and means i don't have to rely on knob head at all, and to risk all that is scary, but in a few more years who knows? I guess having a new boss might change how I feel so see how that goes for now, and just keep my eyes open at what else is out there?
All I do know is I am not just sat round waiting for 'what if's', but at the same time I hope that if somethings were meant to be, they happen.... sometimes perspective needs a little distance and maybe sometimes you do meet the right person, but at the wrong time? Maybe the right time is just around the corner, there just needs to be things that you have to do first?
I just wish people knew how much they do mean to others, and I guess I also need to take my own advice cause i'm guilty of this as well! For example I know munch would love it if the bloke cold come to his show, but I can't and don't expect that.... but just by the sheer fact that munch wants him there, show's me that munchkin really does still think a lot of him, I don't think the bloke has realised how much of a positive impact he has had.... in the same way i have seen how many people rallied round me and thought about me over the past Christmas and it has made me see that there are a lot more people who care than I thought!!
I guess all I want in the end is to be someones favourite hello, and their hardest goodbye.
I'm old enough to know that no-one is perfect, but that doesn't mean someone isn't perfect for me.... if they can accept your imperfections and still care, then that's the one you don't want to lose!!
Think I may have to perform CPR on my bank account soon, just crossing fingers and praying that the fumes in there last till pay day - 11 days and counting (come on!)
Friday night was an impromptu visit to the neighbour for a drink or two. Took munch with me and to be fair, it was a good laugh. It's great having someone like that you can just pop round to, it's not something I've ever had before. We're going to try and sort out a proper night out soon. Think I did post something on here the other night after I got back.... think it was readable even though I was a little drunk lol!
Saturday just spent the day catching up on bit's and pieces.... it's amazing how quick all this mounts up... did manage to finally get the felt to redo the shed roof but I hate being such a weed, lifting the roll of felt was impossible and I only got it back by some careful lift and swivel manoeuvres with the shopping trolley.
I asked the bloke if he could help me with the roof in the end.... I hate having to ask as it makes me feel like a shit, but although I know how to do this stuff I just physically can't anymore, and that is hard for me to accept!
And although asking anyone for help is something I have trouble with, asking him doesn't feel so bad as in someways it still feels like this is his home.... It's hard to explain but it feels 'normal' with him here?!
He has said before that he doesn't feel like he has had a home anywhere for a very long time, but being here was as close as he'd been for a while, and I know that when he moved in here, to a house I had brought with someone else, and decorated by myself before I met him, it must of been hard.
But at the same time there is so many things here that need to be done, that over the space of a couple of years he would have made his own mark on here quite easily, and I'd have been happy for him to have done that - garden, kitchen, windows, re-doing downstairs floors, spare room.... the list is always endless!! What I told him months ago still stands and this is his home when he wants it. And to be honest, home isn't about the bricks and mortar, it's about the people there.
I know that isn't how he feels now in a lot of ways, all he is concentrating on is moving in with his friends and becoming roomies.... I guess there's a lot I don't understand these days... And there is probably a lot I don't know. And I can only look at things from my perspective?
I know he is lucky to have the kind of relationship he does with his friends and I know that they are his family in a lot of ways, I guess to me what he is doing now is something most people do in their 20's.... I think there is an element of thinking there are things that 'most' people have done that he hasn't and he just feels a little lost at the moment and so is seeing what he has missed out on... But having roommates who are about to get married, and who knows, even thinking about having their own family, i guess it's just a stop-gap solution anyway? And then there is moving jobs. I know it is in a new office and there maybe different opportunities there, but not long ago he wasn't even sure it was what he wanted to do any longer?
I know that feeling, I'm still wondering what it is I want to do... Where I am at the moment suits me and having the munch, it pays the bills and means i don't have to rely on knob head at all, and to risk all that is scary, but in a few more years who knows? I guess having a new boss might change how I feel so see how that goes for now, and just keep my eyes open at what else is out there?
All I do know is I am not just sat round waiting for 'what if's', but at the same time I hope that if somethings were meant to be, they happen.... sometimes perspective needs a little distance and maybe sometimes you do meet the right person, but at the wrong time? Maybe the right time is just around the corner, there just needs to be things that you have to do first?
I just wish people knew how much they do mean to others, and I guess I also need to take my own advice cause i'm guilty of this as well! For example I know munch would love it if the bloke cold come to his show, but I can't and don't expect that.... but just by the sheer fact that munch wants him there, show's me that munchkin really does still think a lot of him, I don't think the bloke has realised how much of a positive impact he has had.... in the same way i have seen how many people rallied round me and thought about me over the past Christmas and it has made me see that there are a lot more people who care than I thought!!
I guess all I want in the end is to be someones favourite hello, and their hardest goodbye.
I'm old enough to know that no-one is perfect, but that doesn't mean someone isn't perfect for me.... if they can accept your imperfections and still care, then that's the one you don't want to lose!!
Saturday, 14 January 2012
Rug munching tonight?
oh lordy.....
Another week over and done with, and it's been an odd week! Finished off tonight with a good laugh round next door though.... completely random but fun! So many double entendres about rug munching haha! And it's weird going round there as everything is opposite to mine, it's like stepping into a mirror image of my world lol!
Got told off today by work dad as he said my skirt was too short.... I'll miss that when he goes :0(
Also had a lunch 'thing' today.... more rack 'em and stack 'em, but this one just didn't click.... nice enough but not my cup of tea.... but on that note still have some circling so to speak. People don't think I have what I do, or they assume things that aren't true....Regardless of what they think they know, no-one ever knows the whole truth, they never have and they never will.... I have secrets i will take to my grave before i tell a living breathing soul about them!!
Guess the thing that is getting to me at the moment is that i have no idea if I'm a twat for what I'm doing or if it's someone else that's the idiot???? And there's no-one to tell me one way or the other!
Lets see what tomorrow brings.... bet that i get 'told off' for letting the munch stay up and have a good time, even if when he has him he can't wait to get him to bed! Well bollocks!!! MY son, my life, my rules and if he doesn't like it he can kiss my ass!
Guess i got a bit broken yesterday by what munch asked.... how do i deal with that when i don't know the answer?
Probably bedtime soon as I have had too much wine round next door and now feeling sleepy!
Another week over and done with, and it's been an odd week! Finished off tonight with a good laugh round next door though.... completely random but fun! So many double entendres about rug munching haha! And it's weird going round there as everything is opposite to mine, it's like stepping into a mirror image of my world lol!
Got told off today by work dad as he said my skirt was too short.... I'll miss that when he goes :0(
Also had a lunch 'thing' today.... more rack 'em and stack 'em, but this one just didn't click.... nice enough but not my cup of tea.... but on that note still have some circling so to speak. People don't think I have what I do, or they assume things that aren't true....Regardless of what they think they know, no-one ever knows the whole truth, they never have and they never will.... I have secrets i will take to my grave before i tell a living breathing soul about them!!
Guess the thing that is getting to me at the moment is that i have no idea if I'm a twat for what I'm doing or if it's someone else that's the idiot???? And there's no-one to tell me one way or the other!
Lets see what tomorrow brings.... bet that i get 'told off' for letting the munch stay up and have a good time, even if when he has him he can't wait to get him to bed! Well bollocks!!! MY son, my life, my rules and if he doesn't like it he can kiss my ass!
Guess i got a bit broken yesterday by what munch asked.... how do i deal with that when i don't know the answer?
Probably bedtime soon as I have had too much wine round next door and now feeling sleepy!
Thursday, 12 January 2012
hehe
i'm sure the internet know when you are drunk as the first problem it gives you is logging in!!
Been a good night wit next door and a few bottles of wine... so aplogies for any spelling oops!
hump of the week done!
Crap day of the week done although who knows what the outcome is? bet its not what i hope cause i never get that..... i'm not good enough or worth that much and never had the chance to prove otherwize......
oooo fook lol! not sure if the king knew what to make of it? only one person i wish would know.... like i said ooooo crap tho hahaha
Been a good night wit next door and a few bottles of wine... so aplogies for any spelling oops!
hump of the week done!
Crap day of the week done although who knows what the outcome is? bet its not what i hope cause i never get that..... i'm not good enough or worth that much and never had the chance to prove otherwize......
oooo fook lol! not sure if the king knew what to make of it? only one person i wish would know.... like i said ooooo crap tho hahaha
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Another one bites the dust
Tuesdays are always a bit better than Mondays as they aren't the start of the week and they are that bit closer to the weekend...
Today has been ok I guess. Finally heard back from The King.... although not sure about any of that yet.... too many complications?!?!? Too many headaches, and not sure my heart is in going thru any of that yet as it's elsewhere and needs it's own sat nav (or rather a twat nav) at the moment!!!!
Betsy came round this evening, so we've just been having a girly chit chat about life, holidays and the universe. She got back from Dubai last week so now well jealous and just want to go on holiday.... and wish i could go with someone who would appreciate it. It's so hard sometimes as i get split in two - i'd love to be able to do what my friends do with such a carefree attitude, but can't bear to leave behind the munchkin either....
And following on from yesterday, i find out someone else at work has handed in their notice. This one is different though in the fact they aren't in the close circle of friends i have and socialise with on a regular basis, or someone i would class as being like family in that sense.... but this is someone that is almost like a father figure at work, someone who has cared about and protected so many of us over the past few years, now i/we are going to lose that....
Just adds to the fact that i am losing everyone at the moment and just makes me feel lonely.... the more i carry on the more i just feel like i have done something completely wrong somewhere in life to get to this stage and still feel so lost, and to still be completely alone.... what is wrong with me that no-one ever wants to stick around? And i don't mean that from a work view, more from a personal one.
I don't expect perfection, but within all the imperfection there is still what is a right fit for me! And i guess it is always easy to miss what is right under your nose?
.-- .... -.-- / -.-. .- -. .----. - / .. / .... .- ...- . / - .... . / - .... .. -. --. ... / .. / .... --- .-.. -.. / - .... . / -.. . .- .-. . ... - ..--..?
.-. . -- . -- -... . .-./.--- ..- ... - -... . -.-. .- ..- ... . .. .- -- -- --- ...- .. -. --. --- -. -.. --- . ... -. .----. - -- . .- -. .. .-- --- -. .----. - -... . .... . .-. . .. ..-. -.-- --- ..- -.-. .... .- -. --. . -.-- --- ..- .-. -- .. -. -.. .-.-.-
Today has been ok I guess. Finally heard back from The King.... although not sure about any of that yet.... too many complications?!?!? Too many headaches, and not sure my heart is in going thru any of that yet as it's elsewhere and needs it's own sat nav (or rather a twat nav) at the moment!!!!
Betsy came round this evening, so we've just been having a girly chit chat about life, holidays and the universe. She got back from Dubai last week so now well jealous and just want to go on holiday.... and wish i could go with someone who would appreciate it. It's so hard sometimes as i get split in two - i'd love to be able to do what my friends do with such a carefree attitude, but can't bear to leave behind the munchkin either....
And following on from yesterday, i find out someone else at work has handed in their notice. This one is different though in the fact they aren't in the close circle of friends i have and socialise with on a regular basis, or someone i would class as being like family in that sense.... but this is someone that is almost like a father figure at work, someone who has cared about and protected so many of us over the past few years, now i/we are going to lose that....
Just adds to the fact that i am losing everyone at the moment and just makes me feel lonely.... the more i carry on the more i just feel like i have done something completely wrong somewhere in life to get to this stage and still feel so lost, and to still be completely alone.... what is wrong with me that no-one ever wants to stick around? And i don't mean that from a work view, more from a personal one.
I don't expect perfection, but within all the imperfection there is still what is a right fit for me! And i guess it is always easy to miss what is right under your nose?
.-- .... -.-- / -.-. .- -. .----. - / .. / .... .- ...- . / - .... . / - .... .. -. --. ... / .. / .... --- .-.. -.. / - .... . / -.. . .- .-. . ... - ..--..?
.-. . -- . -- -... . .-./.--- ..- ... - -... . -.-. .- ..- ... . .. .- -- -- --- ...- .. -. --. --- -. -.. --- . ... -. .----. - -- . .- -. .. .-- --- -. .----. - -... . .... . .-. . .. ..-. -.-- --- ..- -.-. .... .- -. --. . -.-- --- ..- .-. -- .. -. -.. .-.-.-
In a crowd
Been having one of those days where even when you are in a crowd you feel lonely... It's a weird feeling to be surrounded by people but just feel lost.
Things are all changing and I just feel like I'm losing some of my friends, some of whom are people who are really important to me....
Maybe I'm different to a lot of people, but for me, my friends are my real family as they're the ones that have helped me through some of my worse times over the past couple of years, even the last month or so!
That's not saying I haven't got family, but in some ways blood really isn't thicker than water! Anyway it's not blood that defines family.... it's what people will do for you, and what you would do for them that defines family.... as another cliched saying goes: any dick can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a daddy! That's another thing that's not necessarily down to biology either....
I'm not losing these friends because I've fell out with them or argued with them, it's just that they are either leaving work to move on to other jobs, or moving away completely..... And I know what happens next, it just makes me feel sad as I don't want to lose people like this out my life. It's hard to find them in the first place!
A lot of the time people leave thinking the grass is greener on the other side, but it's not. It's the same old shit but just somewhere else!!
I've seen enough people leave where I work and then come back saying that they thought leaving was the answer, only to find out it's worse where you go... but i guess it's all about how you leave as there is always the possibility of coming back if you haven't burnt bridges.... and so far I've not seen many bridges burnt so who knows?
I do realise some of this is a bit cliched, and some of what i have written is a bit (lot?) disjointed but guess it matches what is going on in my head, nothing is straight at the moment, and hasn't been for a few months.... well that's a white lie, i don't think things have been straight for years, but it was the straightest it had been in a long time, not that long ago!
Imagine a ball of tangled string.... I'd got to the point where there was a couple of knots left to unpick, when it all got messed up again and it's back to being tangled and tied up!
Maybe I ought to try that thing where you just write all the random stuff that comes into your head down as it pops in there? God, I think I'd confuse the fook out of myself, yet alone anyone else who might venture to read it?!?!?
I guess i just have to see what happens? I hope that I don't lose these people for good, I hope that if the grass isn't greener for those past and present, that they still feel they can come back across the bridge, and most of all I hope I can untangle my ball again and shut my head the fook up!! And maybe one day I'll stop writing shit drivel lol! You can all live in hope....
Oh and I really do need to sort out my body clock as late nights and alarm clocks aren't a great combination ;0)
Things are all changing and I just feel like I'm losing some of my friends, some of whom are people who are really important to me....
Maybe I'm different to a lot of people, but for me, my friends are my real family as they're the ones that have helped me through some of my worse times over the past couple of years, even the last month or so!
That's not saying I haven't got family, but in some ways blood really isn't thicker than water! Anyway it's not blood that defines family.... it's what people will do for you, and what you would do for them that defines family.... as another cliched saying goes: any dick can make a baby but it takes a real man to be a daddy! That's another thing that's not necessarily down to biology either....
I'm not losing these friends because I've fell out with them or argued with them, it's just that they are either leaving work to move on to other jobs, or moving away completely..... And I know what happens next, it just makes me feel sad as I don't want to lose people like this out my life. It's hard to find them in the first place!
A lot of the time people leave thinking the grass is greener on the other side, but it's not. It's the same old shit but just somewhere else!!
I've seen enough people leave where I work and then come back saying that they thought leaving was the answer, only to find out it's worse where you go... but i guess it's all about how you leave as there is always the possibility of coming back if you haven't burnt bridges.... and so far I've not seen many bridges burnt so who knows?
I do realise some of this is a bit cliched, and some of what i have written is a bit (lot?) disjointed but guess it matches what is going on in my head, nothing is straight at the moment, and hasn't been for a few months.... well that's a white lie, i don't think things have been straight for years, but it was the straightest it had been in a long time, not that long ago!
Imagine a ball of tangled string.... I'd got to the point where there was a couple of knots left to unpick, when it all got messed up again and it's back to being tangled and tied up!
Maybe I ought to try that thing where you just write all the random stuff that comes into your head down as it pops in there? God, I think I'd confuse the fook out of myself, yet alone anyone else who might venture to read it?!?!?
I guess i just have to see what happens? I hope that I don't lose these people for good, I hope that if the grass isn't greener for those past and present, that they still feel they can come back across the bridge, and most of all I hope I can untangle my ball again and shut my head the fook up!! And maybe one day I'll stop writing shit drivel lol! You can all live in hope....
Oh and I really do need to sort out my body clock as late nights and alarm clocks aren't a great combination ;0)
Monday, 9 January 2012
Whirly Head
Another weekend draws to an end and I'm just so tired. What happened to being able to rest and recharge over a weekend? Or am I the only one feeling like this at the moment?
Maybe it's just because I have so much whirling round in my head at the moment?
I'm sat here listening to some old songs and it's amazing how certain songs take you back or how they make you feel.... I've been having a weird week. Just been feeling a bit bleurgh about myself this week.... you know those types of weeks when you're just feeling not great about yourself? I know I'm never going to be the prettiest/skinniest/sexiest/funniest/smartest of people but this week has been particularly bad. And i know i have to be careful as i know where this leads for me.... and that's not the best thing for me at all.... it's not good, it's not healthy! Why is it blokes just look for the things I'm not?
At the moment I am just feeling like I have a piece of me missing! A piece of the jigsaw isn't there and I'm not sure what piece it is quite. I have some ideas but don't know what the overall picture should be so not certain!
I do know I need to keep my head screwed on as otherwise I'll regret saying something I should have kept to myself. Honesty is always good, but I can be brutal about it sometimes and people don't always like hearing the truth as you see it!
Mind you there are some people I wish I could be honest with and tell them a few home truths, although the consequences are too big at the moment and i need to reduce these before i really let rip lol!
I got told today what I should be making my priority at the moment.... and I can't believe the bare faced cheek of it! I just get so annoyed and not sure if it is stupidity or ignorance? Neither one is an excuse though! I know what my priority is... and always has been, I've sacrificed more than he will ever know or understand.
Been trying to get a few things sorted and organised this week. Trying to do the boring stuff to get all the stuff together for when I go to the bank to talk about mortgages and money, getting ready to argue with the tax man as he wants to take more money off me than he should, car insurance, Munch's eye test.... all the grown up stuff.
The bloke came round this weekend to help try and sort out some of the destruction in the garden. We had a bit of an issue with replacing the fence panel as it's a bit harder to do than first thought, but he did put the felt back on my bike-shed roof.
I really do appreciate the fact that he has no reason to have to help but he still does. I do feel bad having to ask for help, but how much am I supposed to do myself? Everyone needs a hand sometimes and if I am honest this sort of stuff I struggle with....I'm not tall enough or strong enough to do it sometimes, and even when I do I pay for it as I end up in agony for days after!
Guess I should try and get some sleep!
Maybe it's just because I have so much whirling round in my head at the moment?
I'm sat here listening to some old songs and it's amazing how certain songs take you back or how they make you feel.... I've been having a weird week. Just been feeling a bit bleurgh about myself this week.... you know those types of weeks when you're just feeling not great about yourself? I know I'm never going to be the prettiest/skinniest/sexiest/funniest/smartest of people but this week has been particularly bad. And i know i have to be careful as i know where this leads for me.... and that's not the best thing for me at all.... it's not good, it's not healthy! Why is it blokes just look for the things I'm not?
At the moment I am just feeling like I have a piece of me missing! A piece of the jigsaw isn't there and I'm not sure what piece it is quite. I have some ideas but don't know what the overall picture should be so not certain!
I do know I need to keep my head screwed on as otherwise I'll regret saying something I should have kept to myself. Honesty is always good, but I can be brutal about it sometimes and people don't always like hearing the truth as you see it!
Mind you there are some people I wish I could be honest with and tell them a few home truths, although the consequences are too big at the moment and i need to reduce these before i really let rip lol!
I got told today what I should be making my priority at the moment.... and I can't believe the bare faced cheek of it! I just get so annoyed and not sure if it is stupidity or ignorance? Neither one is an excuse though! I know what my priority is... and always has been, I've sacrificed more than he will ever know or understand.
Been trying to get a few things sorted and organised this week. Trying to do the boring stuff to get all the stuff together for when I go to the bank to talk about mortgages and money, getting ready to argue with the tax man as he wants to take more money off me than he should, car insurance, Munch's eye test.... all the grown up stuff.
The bloke came round this weekend to help try and sort out some of the destruction in the garden. We had a bit of an issue with replacing the fence panel as it's a bit harder to do than first thought, but he did put the felt back on my bike-shed roof.
I really do appreciate the fact that he has no reason to have to help but he still does. I do feel bad having to ask for help, but how much am I supposed to do myself? Everyone needs a hand sometimes and if I am honest this sort of stuff I struggle with....I'm not tall enough or strong enough to do it sometimes, and even when I do I pay for it as I end up in agony for days after!
Guess I should try and get some sleep!
Friday, 6 January 2012
First week is done and all i can say is TFIF!!
Looking at what everyone is saying out there in the wonderful world of social networking I think we have all had a similar thought.... going back to work after a couple of weeks off is not popular!!
So glad to say I am also a survivor!!
And now it's a Friday night, I'm sat in by myself in my PJ's drinking tea - how rock n roll am I? :0/
I'm still mulling over in my own head about what I am doing and thinking? I have a tendency to speak and act, before I think it through, and that gets me into trouble some times!
I need to be more careful about decisions I take as I have to get the knob-head off my house this year, for my own sanity! It's scary sometimes being responsible for all this, not having someone with me to discuss and share the decisions... I wish I did have someone as I'm not that anal about being independent but that's not how it's worked out?!?!
I know a lot of people think they know me as I'm pretty honest about a lot of things in my life, but the truth is there are very few people who REALLY know me.
I've been very adept over the years at learning how to show a certain front and only allowing the weaker stuff out behind closed doors, guess it's a defence mechanism.... only one person has ever really got past that, and maybe I made a mistake doing that?
It's sometimes a subtle difference in understanding the difference between the fact I don't need someone to look after me, I just need someone to support me.... Hell I don't ever want to be thought of as needy!!!
I guess I'm just frustrated at the moment. So many different things to juggle between home and work, and people to deal with.... some of them could do with growing up though! And some of them could do with getting over their Napoleon complex!!
Life isn't about the journey, it's about how you get there.
And happiness isn't a static state, it's constantly changing, and you have to be willing to change and take risks.
Remember, you can't go backwards through life, only forwards!
Anyhow, my alcohol free night is nearly over. Needed to do this as the last month has had quite a bit of excess, and it's not healthy to continue like that lol!
So glad to say I am also a survivor!!
And now it's a Friday night, I'm sat in by myself in my PJ's drinking tea - how rock n roll am I? :0/
I'm still mulling over in my own head about what I am doing and thinking? I have a tendency to speak and act, before I think it through, and that gets me into trouble some times!
I need to be more careful about decisions I take as I have to get the knob-head off my house this year, for my own sanity! It's scary sometimes being responsible for all this, not having someone with me to discuss and share the decisions... I wish I did have someone as I'm not that anal about being independent but that's not how it's worked out?!?!
I know a lot of people think they know me as I'm pretty honest about a lot of things in my life, but the truth is there are very few people who REALLY know me.
I've been very adept over the years at learning how to show a certain front and only allowing the weaker stuff out behind closed doors, guess it's a defence mechanism.... only one person has ever really got past that, and maybe I made a mistake doing that?
It's sometimes a subtle difference in understanding the difference between the fact I don't need someone to look after me, I just need someone to support me.... Hell I don't ever want to be thought of as needy!!!
I guess I'm just frustrated at the moment. So many different things to juggle between home and work, and people to deal with.... some of them could do with growing up though! And some of them could do with getting over their Napoleon complex!!
Life isn't about the journey, it's about how you get there.
And happiness isn't a static state, it's constantly changing, and you have to be willing to change and take risks.
Remember, you can't go backwards through life, only forwards!
Anyhow, my alcohol free night is nearly over. Needed to do this as the last month has had quite a bit of excess, and it's not healthy to continue like that lol!
Wednesday, 4 January 2012
Should have stayed in bed I think!!
Have you ever had one of those days where you think to yourself you really should have just stayed in bed?
That was me today!! Guess it didn't help that it was the first day back at work today, and two weeks of not getting up to an alarm clock, being able to stay in bed till I had come to properly, not getting out of the pj's till lunchtime was a rude awakening as it was...... Then to top it off I had a late night, then got woken by some loud bangs, only to wake up to see one fence panel smashed to smitherens, my BBQ blown over and the other fence panel on the verge of snapping!
So after dragging my ass out of bed, through the shower, getting everything ready for work and munch ready for school, i find myself in the garden at 8:30am in the morning doing a botch job of trying to rescue my fence from further damage.
I also then find part of the shed roof in the back garden, so i haven't even braved looking in the shed to see how bad it had flooded.... going on the ignorance is bliss theory with that one!!
After retrieving my bin from down the road where it has blown, I get the first school run of the year done, and I plod into work thinking i can ease myself into it, and try to make sure i get on top of emails and the like, ready to hit the ground running tomorrow.... but no! I end up dealing with a huge crisis and a case of ass covering due to people finger pointing, all before lunch (lucky me!)
Anyone else having as good a day as this yet?
But wait, it gets better :0/
My neighbour texts me to tell me the felt off my roof got stuck on their fence and she's put it behind my shed. So i get home to find out the bike shed out the front has had all it's felt roof blow off, which mean that one is probably leaking too, I have to go back out in the garden to re-do my botch job, and have to finish of the ass covering report ready for the meeting tomorrow morning.
Fook me, after all this I really do think i am ready to scream and/or cry.... well if I'm honest it had all got to me by this point so had had a few tears in the car on the way back home already (I'm such an emotional wreck at times!!)
I do know one thing..... I had told myself I had drunk far too much alcohol throughout December so was going to cut back for a few weeks, but tonight was not a night to start that!! I have been good though and just stuck to a couple of small ciders and a glass of vino!
I guess there were a couple of positives to happen today to make me think...
Although there is a pay freeze i have still been put forward for a payrise, which would be great if that goes through.... it's always nice to be told by the director of the company that they are screwed if you leave them.... whether that is truly how they think or they are just saying stuff they think you want to hear who knows?!?
And I am thinking that there is an opportunity in front of me, although i am still trying to decide if the complications that go with it could be worth it.... i sometimes think I just think too much, and sometime i think i am in the position I am because i haven't thought enough? Complications doesn't make it not worth it.... but it also makes everything harder to start with.... and that's true of any situation - isn't it?
I also know I think more clearly when I write stuff down (hello?!? why do you think i even started doing this blog?). I don't necessarily write for people to read it, more for me to organise my thoughts a bit, as i know I am not always rational and have a tendancy to be emotional.... writing helps me say what i need to without feeling like I am black mailing someone just because i wear my heart on my sleeve sometime......
I wrote a letter today (ok an email, but that IS an electronic letter!!). It says how I feel at the moment, what I hope, and what I am not doing even though people assume I am..... Whether I ever actually press send on it, or say it in person, or press delete I don't know... When do you say stuff like what i need to? Is there ever that perfect moment?
Right bed i think! Lets hope everything in the garden stays where it should tonight!! Wish me luck
Question
I have a question I've been running through my head for a few days....
If you have someone tells you they love you when drunk does it count?
Or does everyone always love everyone else when they are drunk?
And is it discounted if as soon as they say it, they say oops i shouldn't have said that?
Hmmmmmm - maybe i think too much about stuff? Drunkenese is drunckenese i guess!?!?
If you have someone tells you they love you when drunk does it count?
Or does everyone always love everyone else when they are drunk?
And is it discounted if as soon as they say it, they say oops i shouldn't have said that?
Hmmmmmm - maybe i think too much about stuff? Drunkenese is drunckenese i guess!?!?
Monday, 2 January 2012
Day one
Well today was the first day of the new year, wonder what this one will bring?
Really hope karma has something decent up it's sleeve for me this year, surely I'm in for something good for once as I don't think I've been that bad?? But I guess we'll see.....
I really do need to sort some things out as I think some of my stress comes from the unknown.... and the fear at the moment that if saying what really is on the tip of my tongue about how I really feel, knowing it would currently come back to bite me in the ass?
However take away the last thing that truly can be held over me I'm left holding all the cards then, and I can tell them to go to hell and not give a shit about the consequences as it would be immaterial to me by then.
I guess I need to get stronger? Well, maybe stronger is not quite the right word, as to be fair I know I am strong, I've gone through a rough few years and have made it this far.... I think what it is, is that I need to care less if that makes sense? I hate having people pity me, I don't need pity, I just need support some of the time, and that is the one thing I am no good at asking for.... :0/
As for the rest, I can't really do much about.
I'd love longer legs but that isn't going happen!
I'd love to have better cheekbones.... again, ain't going to happen!
I wish I could go for months without suffering from the constant back ache that reduces me to tears at time!
I'd love to have a smaller waist and flat stomach like when I was 16..... guess that could happen but I imagine that's highly unlikely ;0)
The other stuff I hope for this year..... well for some of it, I know what I hope for, but again I guess there's fat chance of any of that happening! Firstly it would mean others admitting that they hadn't made the right decision! And people hate admitting they made a mistake for a variety of reasons... Secondly, if i want to win the lottery then I really need to start buying a ticket - got to be in it to win it and all that jazz!!
With all of what has gone on recently, looking back at it I don't think I was ever truly given a proper chance if I am honest? There have been other people's influence, other issues that might have clouded judgement, other reasons for feeling low, but no matter what I think now, that doesn't count for anything.... I wish that things were different as I still can't see what was wrong.... it's odd, but I do know that I can't say at this moment in time that I wouldn't give any of that another go, however I also know I am not stupid enough to hang around waiting for something to change. I have to keep moving on and I can see there are already potential options. Wonder what will and won't pan out?
Also guess I need to think about what I want to do about my job.... is this what I want to be doing, am I doing it where I want to be doing it? These are scary choices as I am paid OK, and I have a lot of flexibility with hours and where I work from which I would lose if i changed either what or where. And as I don't have the buffer of another income, or an ex that can support his own child, then to jump from something that is 'comfortable' to an unknown just to satisfy my own curiosity, but it doesn't hurt to think about these things as one day comes round quicker than you think!
Guess 2012 is just at the beginning and you never know how things are going to turn out, life does have a way of surprising us at times!!
Hope everyone I care about (and that includes me) has a great year, achieves some of what they wish for and survive it through to 2013 in one piece xxx
Really hope karma has something decent up it's sleeve for me this year, surely I'm in for something good for once as I don't think I've been that bad?? But I guess we'll see.....
I really do need to sort some things out as I think some of my stress comes from the unknown.... and the fear at the moment that if saying what really is on the tip of my tongue about how I really feel, knowing it would currently come back to bite me in the ass?
However take away the last thing that truly can be held over me I'm left holding all the cards then, and I can tell them to go to hell and not give a shit about the consequences as it would be immaterial to me by then.
I guess I need to get stronger? Well, maybe stronger is not quite the right word, as to be fair I know I am strong, I've gone through a rough few years and have made it this far.... I think what it is, is that I need to care less if that makes sense? I hate having people pity me, I don't need pity, I just need support some of the time, and that is the one thing I am no good at asking for.... :0/
As for the rest, I can't really do much about.
I'd love longer legs but that isn't going happen!
I'd love to have better cheekbones.... again, ain't going to happen!
I wish I could go for months without suffering from the constant back ache that reduces me to tears at time!
I'd love to have a smaller waist and flat stomach like when I was 16..... guess that could happen but I imagine that's highly unlikely ;0)
The other stuff I hope for this year..... well for some of it, I know what I hope for, but again I guess there's fat chance of any of that happening! Firstly it would mean others admitting that they hadn't made the right decision! And people hate admitting they made a mistake for a variety of reasons... Secondly, if i want to win the lottery then I really need to start buying a ticket - got to be in it to win it and all that jazz!!
With all of what has gone on recently, looking back at it I don't think I was ever truly given a proper chance if I am honest? There have been other people's influence, other issues that might have clouded judgement, other reasons for feeling low, but no matter what I think now, that doesn't count for anything.... I wish that things were different as I still can't see what was wrong.... it's odd, but I do know that I can't say at this moment in time that I wouldn't give any of that another go, however I also know I am not stupid enough to hang around waiting for something to change. I have to keep moving on and I can see there are already potential options. Wonder what will and won't pan out?
Also guess I need to think about what I want to do about my job.... is this what I want to be doing, am I doing it where I want to be doing it? These are scary choices as I am paid OK, and I have a lot of flexibility with hours and where I work from which I would lose if i changed either what or where. And as I don't have the buffer of another income, or an ex that can support his own child, then to jump from something that is 'comfortable' to an unknown just to satisfy my own curiosity, but it doesn't hurt to think about these things as one day comes round quicker than you think!
Guess 2012 is just at the beginning and you never know how things are going to turn out, life does have a way of surprising us at times!!
Hope everyone I care about (and that includes me) has a great year, achieves some of what they wish for and survive it through to 2013 in one piece xxx
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