5x5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw3tYiAFVfg&feature=related 


I really do love this song, just wish i had someone to do this for me....


It's been a tough week, and i know to most it may seem like something out of nothing when you consider what other people have to go through, but the idea of not having my baby boy here xmas morning with me hurts more than anyone actually realises... and the fact that this is just another example of where the ex and the bint are playing happy families with my son cuts so deep.... and each one just shows i'm needed less and less.... 


If he doesn't need me i've got no-one else around to really be bothered!

Cancelling xmas?

I know that this isn't an uncommon problem for a lot of people, and more so for dads than mom's on a regular basis but i can't help feeling so deflated this year.... the one holiday i have always enjoyed has kind of been ruined by the fact that the munchkin is going to spend xmas eve and xmas day with his dad....


I would have been shaky even if i was still with the bloke, but now i am on my own it's just magnified!! And i know my friends will rally round and i won't actually have to spend the day alone, but it's still not the same as i won't be waking up at home, with my son on xmas morning and seeing his face when he comes downstairs and see's the presents.... and before you say it no, having my xmas day boxing day is not the same... you can't track santa as he delivers the presents on boxing day.


It's just put a dampner on everything, even my birthday to a certain extent as it's just sitting at the back of my mind like a shadow. I'm trying to shake it but it's hard, this is the first time i've had to deal with this and knowing this isn't uncommon doesn't help....

Life in song

You know when certain songs describe how you are feeling at a particular moment in time? Or how they can affect how you feel? Trigger a thought in your head and take you back to a different time and place?


I guess these sum up how i feel at the moment and how i would love to have someone feel about me (and yes they may be a little cheesy..... not saying every single line applies, but the general feeling does)


I put on my jeans and shirt and shoes the same
And I'll leave my house and show my face again
I thought that I could find a way to hide the truth
But everybody knows, everybody knows

I'm tryna smile, I'm tryna lie
I'm tryna live another life

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you

Oh, it's hard to find somebody new
When the only one I'm looking for is you
I thought that I could find a way to hide the truth
But everybody knows, everybody knows
I'm tryna smile, I'm tryna lie
I'm tryna live another life

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you
Me without you

I'm tryna win, I'm tryna find
I'm tryna make it through the night
I'm tryna run, tryna sleep
Tryna feel, tryna keep on

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKDmJwoZ4RA&ob=av2e

and how i wish someone would feel about me (but guess never will)

You're insecure
Don't know what for
You're turning heads when you walk through the door
Don't need make up
To cover up
Being the way that you are is enough

Everyone else in the room can see it
Everyone else but you

[Chorus]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
But that's what makes you beautiful

So c-come on
You got it wrong
To prove I'm right I put it in a song
I don't why
You're being shy
And turn away when I look into your eyes

Everyone else in the room can see it
Everyone else but you

[Chorus]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
But that's what makes you beautiful

[Bridge]
Nana Nana Nana Nana
Nana Nana Nana Nana
Nana Nana Nana Nana

Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

[Chorus]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
But that's what makes you beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJO3ROT-A4E&ob=av2e

I guess all i can say is if only......

Plug hole

I don't know where to start, or where to begin.... how do i make sense of what is swirling around in my head? It feels like its all just circling the drain, waiting to be flushed down the plughole!


I know one thing though... I'm tired, just really really tired! 
Tired of always having to be the grown up, tired of feeling the weight of the responsibility of everything, tired of having people out to undermine me because i am actually capable of doing my job but mostly i am just tired of always being the one who has to always be strong, tired of not having some to help me when it gets hard. I don't need to have someone fix me, i can do that myself if i just need someone there to give me some encouragement every now and again, someone who doesn't mind if they have to be strong for me on occassions.  


I had a phone call tonight that just made me feel sick to my stomach.... An old friend rang me after bumping into his ex. She'd showed him pictures and phone recording of his son who he hasn't seen for nearly two years now, and this has now screwed with his head again, so he ended up ringing me up while he was drunk..... i can understand that but the last time this happened he was threatening suicide and scared me to death..... this time i had to tell him i couldn't come and get him and now i am just worried about what he will do..... 


He'd been going on about how sorry he was that he had hurt me all those years ago, how he wished things could have been different and how he wished he still was with me as he had never stopped loving me..... All of this being the booze talking really, i know that, but it wasn't fair to put all that on me, especially at the moment!!


It's just that it's not him i would want a second chance with.... 
Second chances are great, but 16 years is probably a bit too long with too much gone on!! And anyway things in my life are complicated enough as it is already! 


There's things with the knobhead ex i still have to sort out and deal with, and there always will be to a certain extent, at least till munchkin is an adult, i have to deal with the fact that next year my son, my family... will also have a step mom, and i just can't handle the bint trying to edge in on what my role is, regardless of whether she is just trying to be 'friendly' or not... she can fook off.


And then there is the bloke..... who doesn't want to be with me, yet we still get drawn together at times. Is that wrong? I don't know the answer to that... to me is just feels comfortable, like home... somewhere, or someone, i can feel safe with, even just for a little while... i don't know he thinks, maybe something similar? Or maybe he's being like all other blokes in my life have been? 
However he still is one of the most important people in my life, as he is one of the very few people who really know me.... and yet it just feels like i am losing him, whether that is through distance with him moving away, or him staying here and being with someone else, telling them all the things he used to say to me.....i just can't shake that feeling i have. 


Maybe i should have shouted more about all the great things he did for me when we was together,so that he didn't feel like he wasn't important to me? I never expect perfection from anyone as i am far from that myself.... it's not about ticking all the boxes, it's about ticking the right ones - isn't it?


I suppose i should just go bed and try to sleep.... try and ring my friend tomorrow to check he hasn't done anything stupid, and just plod on trying to deal with each issue as they are hurled at me?


And to those i care about
Love you lots, like jelly tots x 

Bloody water

You know the old saying blood is thicker than water? Not sure it's as clear cut as that in this day and age....

Not sure how i am supposed to feel, and at the moment i am biting my tongue but in reality i am just pissed! 

Pissed off that someone is staking claim to what is mine and really all i want to do is shove my fist down her throat.... Pissed off that someone is trying to edge their way in to what my role is!

I know that in this day and age family dynamics is complicated and that i was going to face some difficulty in adjusting but i HATE the fact that i have seen the bint answering questions about my son as if she has more involvement in his life... i mean at the most she's him for a couple of hours on a thursday for tea and every other saturday..... that does not give her rights to act like his mom, and jump in to do the things with him i was going to do for things going on at his school.... at least not before checking whether i already had plans to do that first. 

Now i feel like i have been tossed aside like yesterdays rubbish, and i can't say a bean about it to munch because i don't want him to feel bad!

It was different when the bloke was here as he saw munch every day, he was involved in the little everyday stuff that may not seem important individually but become more than you know when you add them all up, and to be honest he was more of a positive role model in the munchkin's life than his own dad is, yet not once did he ever try and act like his dad or try to take over.... 

I just don't think he actually ever realised how much of a part of this little family he had become, and it might not have been his own flesh and blood, but for a while it was a family.... it broke my heart when the munchkin said he missed having him around the other day, i think he misses having some round to do the rough and tumble stuff they used to do.... the name calling, the tickling and play fighting, the help with the computer games. 

But i don't know how to deal with all this, as next year munchkin will officially have a 'stepmom'. And there's nothing i can do to change that! What is the protocol with all this? How much do i complain about what the bint gets involved in? How do i do any of that without putting the munchkin in the middle of it all and making him feel like he's got to choose??

Families are screwed up at the best of times, and if they aren't, they just screw you up anyway... i know flesh and blood isn't the only defining thing but spending the time with them more than just a night every fortnight is and i know it may seem like i am being a hyporcrite and biased, but what i had with the bloke would have been more credible than what the munchkins dad has with the bint... whether they are married or not as it is about the time you spend with munchin at the end of the day!!

Beam me up snotty!

Well I guess today was a bit of an odd one to say the least.... not quite what i was expecting when i woke up but it all still turned out ok in the end, and it's always good to catch up with old friends, especially my old dancing partner!


Now i'm back home though and it's all quiet here, almost spookily so when you consider what noise is usually happening here with the munchkin.... but this is one of the parts i hate the most, because this when i really do miss what i can't have. 


It just feels like i have lost one of my best friends at the moment, someone i can talk to about almost anything, even if i do sometimes do it though tears and snot! 


I just hope he knows that he has the same in me.... i haven't run away from him once over the past few months even through the harder times, and i won't...and having someone who you can rely on to be there no matter what is what it is about.


Guess i really should just make use of the quiet and actually go to bed though... and i know my legs are going to ache in the morning after all the dancing tonight. 
Which reminds me.... since when was it ok to go out in town for the night with your ass hanging out? Think i must have missed that memo!

???

Not sure what to think about today really.... Guess it throws up a dilemma? Whether I can answer it yet I don't know?

Tonight was a bit odd though and I don't think certain people would be best pleased with the conversation I had tonight.... And I could see the back peddling happen, trying to make out something that was sent in one context, really meant something different.... I might be an idiot at times but my intuition is never that far off.... I know what is going on, and what was implied!!

I just wish I could make others see what is going on in that way too, maybe then they might rethink a little as I think there is a tendency to get fantasy/artificial time confused with reality sometime..... And you know what when you look back that reality was great because the grass wasn't greener on the other side!! :0( Seen that enough times at work!!

Guess I could have a very lonely weekend or I could be very busy if that is what I chose!!

Night little blogettes x

Head fook

Not sure where my head is at this week! Work is crazy at the moment and i don't know whether i am coming or going.... i'm just watching to see how deep the knife in my back will get shoved in. Why is it that no matter what i do or how hard i try, someone tries to undermine me? All i want to do is be able to deliver what i do, let people try to enjoy being there and make sure i don't break stuff as i go.... to leave things no worse than they were before i started?


Guess the same can go for home to? 
Trying to move on but at the moment my heart isn't in it.... i've been asked out by 3 or 4 different people, just for something like coffee or a film, nothing heavy, but at the moment i'm not ready to as they aren't the ones i want. Guess my heart isn't in it or ready yet? Although guess that is just something unique to me as i'm easy to get over and move on from?!?!

i don't mean to break stuff, i just want everyone to be happy but at the moment i just feel like i have driven everyone that was good in my life away, and am now alone.... i don't feel like i do anything right... i wasn't good enough to be with someone and so i am alone, i don't feel like i am around enough as a mom, so i'm not a good parent.... like i said, head is fooked! Xmas, new year, mortgages, CSA, home, kid, work... it's all just swirling around in there so no wonder no-one is willing to stick around and deal with that mess!


just need a white flag i guess?
Dido says it best!


I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

Is this your finger?

Not sure where my head is at this week....


It's been all change at work and i'm not sure whether it is a good or bad change at the moment. If we can prove what we're doing then as it is now the director that has come in to fix stuff then we should be fine and it will hopefully be smoother sailing.... BUT, if we don't prove what we need to then i guess the worse that can happen is that i get sacked? 


That is a possibility i don't even want to contemplate at the moment.... the pressure that i feel being the only one that pays the bills is suffocating sometimes, so much more than what a lot of people realise. If i don't pay what i need to then both me and my son are stuffed!! £16 a week that the fookin' CSA reckon his dad has to pay will cover jack shit! Don't even know what i'll do if that happens, not like i have anyone around to help cushion the blow. In that instance i really am worth more gone!!


Hopefully though it won't come to that though. Had an interesting email through today and i think there may be a job interview in the pipeline, but i won't hold my breathe just yet for that. 


And then there is the other stuff.... and that is making my head explode! I never not looked forward to xmas. I love this time of year. But this year i could quite easily cancel all of it for several reasons.


And then there is this weekend. My one child free saturday night and everyone i know is away/busy/not available and so it looks like i am going to have to spend it by myself. And to those of you who say so what? you don't understand how valuable or precious to me they are, they are the one time i can truly unwind, but this weekend looks like it is going to be just me, again, just like every other night.... talk about a no hoper!!! 

Quotes

Some random quotes i found and thought i'd share




One's real life is often the life that one does not lead - Oscar Wilde


I love you, not only for what you are, but for what i am when i am with you - Roy Croft

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what theyre missing. Laugh til your stomach hurts. LIVE LIFE!

You shouldn't regret anything that you say, because it was what you were feeling at the moment.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever.

Chances are so hard to come by and the second one is impossible to find.

You gotta take some chances, you gotta risk losing it all, you gotta close your eyes and leap because it might be worth the fall.

Often we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to.
Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say i love you! 


Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life'd be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days - but as long as you let the past go, you'll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. So grab hold of it.

Take chances… alot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up - and with who, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are... you learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel - always. Be you, and be okay with it.

It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

The best thing that you can do in life is follow your heart. Take risks. Don't just take the safe and easy choices because your afraid of what might happen. Don't have any regrets and know that everything happens for a reason.

For a few minutes you made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone.