Hmm?

As the new year looms in and i look back this year has been a roller coaster for me. 


The first half the year was great, it's been the end of it that has been a bit shite if i'm honest. I've been trying to balance myself out but sometimes it's easier said than done, and emotions cause a lot of problems... christmas this year has been on my mind for a long time and i think i was just dreading it for so long, and then there is just all the other stuff with work and home going on.


I know what i wish i can have out of 2012, there's nothing complicated or huge in there but a lot of it is out of my control..... i guess you could say i have a few options, whether they come to anything who knows.... I also know which option i would like, and again it's that's out of my control.... 


Lack of control is not something i deal with well, have always been a bit of a control freak i guess. Just hope people realise that the freak in me can be a little crazy at times but is worth hanging in for the ride.... i hope that my pluses outweigh my negatives?!?!

love on top

Heard this on the radio in the way to work today, and i really like the song.


There's a couple of lines in here that echoes what i think..... but which ones i'll keep to myself  ;0)


Instead i've copied all the lyrics below..... enjoy x




http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzzq4XQinb4








Bring the beat in!

Honey, honey
I can see the stars all the way from here
Can't you see the glow on the window pane?
I can feel the sun whenever you're near
Every time you touch me I just melt away

Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears
And finally you put me first

Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.

You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.

Ooo! Come on Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.
Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.
My love on top.

Come on Baby
I can feel the wind whipping past my face.
As we dance the night away.
Boy your lips taste like a night of champagne.
As I kiss you again, and again, and again and again.

Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears.
And finally you put me first.

Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.


Ooo! Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.

Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.

Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I that always calls.
When I need you baby everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top.

Baby.You're the one I love.
Baby You're all I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I always call.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
Baby You're the one that I need.
You're the only one I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top

Free Bird

Listened to this covered by a band when i was out Christmas eve.... I'd never heard it before but i like the song so i thought I'd share the original


http://www.youtube.com/watch?src_vid=v4Yz7zIfJmY&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_104540&v=VX3cbFJ3lYU

Done!!

Well that's Christmas done, i made it through not having munch for it and there was a few tears (well quite a lot to be fair but I'm an emotional wreck at the best of times), and Christmas wasn't the same at all this year, but it's over and I'm damned if I'm doing that next year.... 


Now i just have get through the next hurdle and that's another one that hurts me to the core as i can't see it is the right thing, but i also have absolutely no say in it either as it's not my decision. 
I wish it was different but maybe i saw more possibilities than they did? or maybe what expect out of it is different as I've been through a really crappy relationship that looking back i should have ended 4 or 5 years before it did, but due to circumstances i didn't, and so i don't necessarily have the rose tinted glasses anymore or the idea of a Hollywood ending.... all i can hope for is that they come to the same conclusion and if they do that it's not too late.... he is my lobster :0(


Lets see if 2012 is the year i can cut the last string to the knob head possible, as the house is the last thing he can hold over me and screw me over with.... and i think once i do that, it will be such a huge relief as i can finally be free of him, or as free as i am going to be able to be until the munchkin turns 16!

Xmas Eve

Well the day i have been dreading is here... not sure i know what to do?


How do i get through the next couple of days? Guess the same way millions of others do, trouble is I'm just lil' old me! Not sure if I'm strong enough to do it with a smile on my face though.... I am very thankful for my friends around me, i know they care and are concerned about me, but no-one can get me through this, just me... like always i am on my own, i have no-one i can rely on and know is their for me, and just me! I've never been that lucky... thought i might have been once upon a time but that was my misunderstanding.


And the other thing on my mind i just don't know what to do about... i have possibilities going forward that rules out certain things that I'm not sure I'm ready to stop fighting for! Where's the crystal ball when you need it?


Complications, baggage, pasts and futures, not sure how you separate it all?


Some people are swayed by other peoples opinions.... my trouble is i just listen to my heart and gut, which means reason and logic aren't always present!

Go fly

This is just crazy.... how can i know what is best?



Never say goodbye when you still want to try. Never give up when you feel you can still take it. Never say you don’t love that person anymore when you can’t let go. It’s hard to pretend you love someone when you don’t. But it’s harder to pretend you don’t love someone when you really do.

What do i do for the best? I know that there is some stuff not finished but if i am the one that says no then i would always be the one that caused a what if.... you have to let go to let the butterfly spread it's wings and just hope it will return to you one day! 

But maybe the 'one day' comes to late and you've moved on yourself? It just hurts to hear everything i am at the moment but also knowing what it feels like to be on the inside as everything you hear and read isn't always the complete truth if you listen to your gut.... and so far it's never been too far from the truth!

Cogs

Had someone send me through a link today to the story I've pasted below.... 


I've been thinking about so much lately. This whole thing about christmas and me not having the munch has sent me in such a spin, and today just tipped me over the edge a little, as i tried to do something nice for me and munch, and yet i still got torpedoed by the knobhead ex. 
I hate the fact that i still have to deal with him. I wish he was completely out my life but that isn't going to happen and so i have to decide between hurting my son or dealing with my own pain..... and as any mother will tell you, you will do ANYTHING to stop your child from hurting, something many (and i am not saying all) fathers just do not even consider.


And the cruel twist in all this is the one person i felt i could turn to is the bloke. He is the one person who has seen how much i have had to put up with and understand why i was feeling the way i was, and he is the one person i don't think would ever hurt me like that, although maybe i am completely wrong about all that? All i wanted today was to have a friend around but like most my life the one time i do need someone i am alone.


I've just had a knot the size of my fist in my stomach today, and I've felt sick all day :0(


Before the story below was sent to me i have been thinking what do i want? It's amazing what goes through your head driving for a couple of hours as you come back home, especially after the night i'd had. 


Some of it seems materialistic when it's wrote down, and i don't think i am wholly that bad but deep down it's the sort of place i want to get to....


- i want my son to be healthy and happy and doing something he loves doing. I want to have a good relationship with him, and not have him think or talk about me like i do about my parents. I want him to respect me as i don't really respect my parents, especially my mom, as they both live in cloud cuckoo land


- i want to be married to my best friend. i never really thought of marriage as being something for me but to have someone stand up in front of everyone and declare that they want to be with you for the rest of their life is something that after everything i have been through would mean so much to me now. And i am not expecting perfection, or an easy ride all the time.... but having someone you know is there for you no matter what, who can give you the hug you need after a bad day, that provides you with that sense of security and safety that you get from just being near them, that understands when you are having a bad day... I want that


- i want a family. I thought i was done with all that after knobhead, but to be with someone who i feel secure enough with to add to the unit we would already have with me and munch would be great, and if i am totally honest i would love to have a little girl (but don't get me wrong little boys are great as they love their mommy's a lot)


- i want a home. I love where i live now but if i was married, where we live i would want to be ours not somewhere i got with my ex. I am proud of what i have and i'm not willing to give up all my independence, or split this house 50/50 (unless they have the same to put in), but i'd love to have a detached home, with a big(gish) garden, a garage to keep something like an audi or a merc in, 4 or 5 bedrooms so we can have people stay over, a room we could turn into a den/games room, a study... maybe even a hot tub in the garden! (I did say it sounded materialistic)


- i want a job i enjoy doing, that i can progress and learn in, and am successful in


- i want to make sure i look after myself. I don't ever want to be fat again.... and i had only got like that because of how bad knobhead had treated me and made me feel about myself.


The biggest shitter in all of this though is that i found someone i thought i could have tried having this with, but lifes a bitch and it wasn't the same for him.... i couldn't compete with the ghosts of his past, or the draw of certain people, and so now i am going to lose him out my life as he will move away and forget about me.... he probably doesn't even miss me now as he's having too much fun with them, and to be honest that hurts. 
I'm trying to move on, and some of it is already complicated.... even though i am trying to keep it simple!






So some of what is below is true, some of it doesn't apply in my case.... but thought i'd copy it all as it isn't too bad a read:


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. 


Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. 


Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? 


Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. 


Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. Oh Lord!  If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. All men are not dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.


You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists  of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him—he takes it for granted. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. 


They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.

Mushy pea

These last few days have been tough and my head now feels like a mushy pea!

The weekend started off ok.... Got the last few pieces to bring to bham, managed to wrap them all as well! Then had a few friends round Saturday night to catch up as hadn't seen double-d for a while. We got a curry in and just chatted shite really. Missed the big family 'get together' but from what I've heard since that was probably a blessing as I'm even less in the mood to deal with it than usual!!

Came back to brum Sunday and kinda regret it.... I'm not strong enough to deal with all this, the idea of Xmas and explaining to people what's happening, they get this 'look' and I'm sick of seeing it.... I don't want pity. I just want people to back the fook away from my family... All of them! I think maybe I shouldn't have come back this year?!? It's too hard

And then there is what happened tonight.... Seriously what the hell am I to make of that?

I just wish things were different, that what is blatantly obvious to most people isn't to the one that counts.... And I guess I need to figure out what I do about the texts once he's back from holiday? It's a shame as in all of this what I actually want hasn't changed one bit... But I also know I'm not good enough to compete, I never have been and I was an idiot to think I could!?!

oddly oddington

Oh my, this has been an odd one.... oddly perfect, oddly unexpected, 'oddly' odd, just that....


What turned into a day, then a weekend, ended up turning into a whole week of the bloke being here, and i guess what felt odd, maybe to both of us, was that it didn't feel weird or strange really. 
I think to both of us it felt comfortable and safe and to me just what home should feel like! 


I think it was also good this week as he got to catch up with some of his other friends, ones who he knows himself he has been a plum about and ignored.... but it all seemed to go ok and i think everyone had a good time. I wish he would just realise exactly how many friends he does have here that care, and how many of them understand him... there are far more that 'get' him than i think he appreciates. Not saying they all know whats going on, or he'd want to share all his problems with, but people that genuinely care about him and understand the different moods he has. 


I think this whole week has took him by surprise and confused him somewhat? 
However I just know that though now he has gone to visit his friends in his 'favourite' place that he will forget about what he felt here and get swept up with all that is up there, the newness of it all, the fact that he can be up there and forget anyone down here, including me.... I just wish he wouldn't as i do miss him.


He has a home here, not just here with me, but with other people too.... yet i don't think anyone is ever good enough to compete with them?


I know for me that things are complicated, not just with all that has been happening with home/xmas/the rest of that suff..... and it may get a whole lot more complicated in a few days depending on what goes on during my visit home, off to visit the family and old school friends for a couple of days... i just guess i need to see if i do bump into a certain someone?!?


Then when i get back there is the whole chris thing, in amongst other bits n pieces.... including the dreaded xmas day :0/

Count down

Well it's been an interesting week.... My birthday was Thursday so got to be a princess for the day by using the excuse 'I can't do that today as its my birthday'. Well it's only good for one day out of 365 so I'm making the most of it lol!

Had a birthday Chinese with someone who means a lot to me, and generally just chilled, so other than a few more wrinkles it was a good day!

This weekend was a girls night out that also included a pregnancy test (not mine I hasten to add!!)
It turned out negative but I think she's a bit gutted to be honest, it's been a while since I had to do one but I do remember how it messes with your head. Mine was a complete shock and although I regret who it was with to a certain degree now, I certainly never regret the munch, life's not easy at times but he is my one focus I never lose sight of.

Munch went visiting the ex's family this weekend and it still hurts to see the bint commenting on things as if Ethan is hers. I know I have to get used to the whole step mom idea, and I'm only in the same position as millions of others, but that doesn't make it sting less!!

Came back home last night a little drunk and had a epic lie in this morning recovering and just chilling.... The blokes been here to and it's just been a really nice chilled out day, a calm in amongst the storm of this month!!

Oh and I kept my promise to a friend for the first one to be before Xmas ;0)

if carlsbourg made weekends....

Guess December really has started now..... The xmas tree and decorations went up to today, although it's a little sad this year as i know that munch won't be coming down xmas morning to see the presents under it.


It's been a good weekend. Went out Saturday night for some pre-birthday drinks, starting off down the German market in town and then we just headed on from there. It was really nice as it's seemed like ages since everybody has been out together as everyone always seems so busy these days.... even the bloke came out, and i do know that he did that for me, and that it wasn't easy for him..... i think he was worried what type of reaction he would get off my friends. I don't think he actually appreciated the fact that they know we are still friends and that regardless, they do still think he is a good person.... and i think that he thought he would just get hassle/cold shoulder/ evil looks, and hopefully he had a good time as that didn't happen. We all just had a good laugh, a pretty good chilled out night and even a small ass shaking on the dance floor lol!


And today was nice just to have a lazy one, lying in bed till late in the morning, snuggling up and chatting.... cuppa's, bacon sarnies and old Friends re-runs.... it just felt nice and relaxed and normal and...... not sure how else to describe it?


Once munch had come home with his lunch (seriously though 3pm for lunch is a bit late, but typical of the knob-head!) had to do a McD's run, best hangover/post night our drinking food! And we just lay around with the fire going and watching Hook.


Finally, got round to putting the tree as well, sending my child into hyper-excited mode! I think the only thing missing from making it an almost perfect weekend was having someone here to split a mulled wine with after, and hunker down to watch more trashy films, instead it's just been me and some more of the ER boxset.

one week count down...

Been suffering a bit today after a night on the vino last night with the neighbour lol! We had a good giggle together but i didn't quite realise how much we'd managed to drink until i stood up.... don't remember going to bed, found the phone in the washing basket this morning and i've somehow hurt my hip/leg/bum! 


Guess it's all practice as I'm on the count down now to my birthday. Today was my last Thursday of being 32 today.... and it's all a bit weird to be honest. 


Normally this is the time of year when i start getting that little feeling of excitement and anticipation as my birthday is coming up, followed by christmas... but it's all a bit of an anti-climax this year, as it just doesn't feel like i have anything to look forward to really, i don't get to spend this time with the people i want to :0(


So yes, xmas is just one day but it is still getting to me, my birthday is just one day but i am going to end up being in by myself on it once munch has gone to bed.... generally i have done all the hard work, the giving, the putting myself second yet someone else gets to play happy families with my son (and yes i do actually realise it's also his son but he is selfish and his saying has always been look after number 1, even over his own child).


It's always the little things that affect me the most, always has been, which is why i guess i must come across as completely nutty sometimes.


The little things can just be subtle differences and often people don't get that, many have a habit of seeing things in black and white, and not the shades of grey. It is, or it isn't... you do or you don't.... you should or you shouldn't?!?
No-one has all the answers but people assume they know me more than they ever do or will!


Maybe that's why i'm alone? I'm just a nutcase no-one wants? Too much baggage for someone to see past? All that happens is i get replaced by an easier version... someone younger who doesn't have as much of a past?

5x5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bw3tYiAFVfg&feature=related 


I really do love this song, just wish i had someone to do this for me....


It's been a tough week, and i know to most it may seem like something out of nothing when you consider what other people have to go through, but the idea of not having my baby boy here xmas morning with me hurts more than anyone actually realises... and the fact that this is just another example of where the ex and the bint are playing happy families with my son cuts so deep.... and each one just shows i'm needed less and less.... 


If he doesn't need me i've got no-one else around to really be bothered!

Cancelling xmas?

I know that this isn't an uncommon problem for a lot of people, and more so for dads than mom's on a regular basis but i can't help feeling so deflated this year.... the one holiday i have always enjoyed has kind of been ruined by the fact that the munchkin is going to spend xmas eve and xmas day with his dad....


I would have been shaky even if i was still with the bloke, but now i am on my own it's just magnified!! And i know my friends will rally round and i won't actually have to spend the day alone, but it's still not the same as i won't be waking up at home, with my son on xmas morning and seeing his face when he comes downstairs and see's the presents.... and before you say it no, having my xmas day boxing day is not the same... you can't track santa as he delivers the presents on boxing day.


It's just put a dampner on everything, even my birthday to a certain extent as it's just sitting at the back of my mind like a shadow. I'm trying to shake it but it's hard, this is the first time i've had to deal with this and knowing this isn't uncommon doesn't help....

Life in song

You know when certain songs describe how you are feeling at a particular moment in time? Or how they can affect how you feel? Trigger a thought in your head and take you back to a different time and place?


I guess these sum up how i feel at the moment and how i would love to have someone feel about me (and yes they may be a little cheesy..... not saying every single line applies, but the general feeling does)


I put on my jeans and shirt and shoes the same
And I'll leave my house and show my face again
I thought that I could find a way to hide the truth
But everybody knows, everybody knows

I'm tryna smile, I'm tryna lie
I'm tryna live another life

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you

Oh, it's hard to find somebody new
When the only one I'm looking for is you
I thought that I could find a way to hide the truth
But everybody knows, everybody knows
I'm tryna smile, I'm tryna lie
I'm tryna live another life

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you
Me without you

I'm tryna win, I'm tryna find
I'm tryna make it through the night
I'm tryna run, tryna sleep
Tryna feel, tryna keep on

Tryna be the me without you
It's like driving in a car with no wheels
Flying through the sky with no wings
A needle in the eye that don't sting
When you're underwater you can't breathe
When I need to call you I can't reach
Tryna light a fire with no spark
No match and no fuse
Tryna be the me without you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKDmJwoZ4RA&ob=av2e

and how i wish someone would feel about me (but guess never will)

You're insecure
Don't know what for
You're turning heads when you walk through the door
Don't need make up
To cover up
Being the way that you are is enough

Everyone else in the room can see it
Everyone else but you

[Chorus]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
But that's what makes you beautiful

So c-come on
You got it wrong
To prove I'm right I put it in a song
I don't why
You're being shy
And turn away when I look into your eyes

Everyone else in the room can see it
Everyone else but you

[Chorus]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
But that's what makes you beautiful

[Bridge]
Nana Nana Nana Nana
Nana Nana Nana Nana
Nana Nana Nana Nana

Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

[Chorus]
Baby you light up my world like nobody else
The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed
But you when smile at the ground it aint hard to tell
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful

If only you saw what I can see
You'll understand why I want you so desperately
Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe
You don't know
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
You don't know you're beautiful
Oh oh
But that's what makes you beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJO3ROT-A4E&ob=av2e

I guess all i can say is if only......

Plug hole

I don't know where to start, or where to begin.... how do i make sense of what is swirling around in my head? It feels like its all just circling the drain, waiting to be flushed down the plughole!


I know one thing though... I'm tired, just really really tired! 
Tired of always having to be the grown up, tired of feeling the weight of the responsibility of everything, tired of having people out to undermine me because i am actually capable of doing my job but mostly i am just tired of always being the one who has to always be strong, tired of not having some to help me when it gets hard. I don't need to have someone fix me, i can do that myself if i just need someone there to give me some encouragement every now and again, someone who doesn't mind if they have to be strong for me on occassions.  


I had a phone call tonight that just made me feel sick to my stomach.... An old friend rang me after bumping into his ex. She'd showed him pictures and phone recording of his son who he hasn't seen for nearly two years now, and this has now screwed with his head again, so he ended up ringing me up while he was drunk..... i can understand that but the last time this happened he was threatening suicide and scared me to death..... this time i had to tell him i couldn't come and get him and now i am just worried about what he will do..... 


He'd been going on about how sorry he was that he had hurt me all those years ago, how he wished things could have been different and how he wished he still was with me as he had never stopped loving me..... All of this being the booze talking really, i know that, but it wasn't fair to put all that on me, especially at the moment!!


It's just that it's not him i would want a second chance with.... 
Second chances are great, but 16 years is probably a bit too long with too much gone on!! And anyway things in my life are complicated enough as it is already! 


There's things with the knobhead ex i still have to sort out and deal with, and there always will be to a certain extent, at least till munchkin is an adult, i have to deal with the fact that next year my son, my family... will also have a step mom, and i just can't handle the bint trying to edge in on what my role is, regardless of whether she is just trying to be 'friendly' or not... she can fook off.


And then there is the bloke..... who doesn't want to be with me, yet we still get drawn together at times. Is that wrong? I don't know the answer to that... to me is just feels comfortable, like home... somewhere, or someone, i can feel safe with, even just for a little while... i don't know he thinks, maybe something similar? Or maybe he's being like all other blokes in my life have been? 
However he still is one of the most important people in my life, as he is one of the very few people who really know me.... and yet it just feels like i am losing him, whether that is through distance with him moving away, or him staying here and being with someone else, telling them all the things he used to say to me.....i just can't shake that feeling i have. 


Maybe i should have shouted more about all the great things he did for me when we was together,so that he didn't feel like he wasn't important to me? I never expect perfection from anyone as i am far from that myself.... it's not about ticking all the boxes, it's about ticking the right ones - isn't it?


I suppose i should just go bed and try to sleep.... try and ring my friend tomorrow to check he hasn't done anything stupid, and just plod on trying to deal with each issue as they are hurled at me?


And to those i care about
Love you lots, like jelly tots x 

Bloody water

You know the old saying blood is thicker than water? Not sure it's as clear cut as that in this day and age....

Not sure how i am supposed to feel, and at the moment i am biting my tongue but in reality i am just pissed! 

Pissed off that someone is staking claim to what is mine and really all i want to do is shove my fist down her throat.... Pissed off that someone is trying to edge their way in to what my role is!

I know that in this day and age family dynamics is complicated and that i was going to face some difficulty in adjusting but i HATE the fact that i have seen the bint answering questions about my son as if she has more involvement in his life... i mean at the most she's him for a couple of hours on a thursday for tea and every other saturday..... that does not give her rights to act like his mom, and jump in to do the things with him i was going to do for things going on at his school.... at least not before checking whether i already had plans to do that first. 

Now i feel like i have been tossed aside like yesterdays rubbish, and i can't say a bean about it to munch because i don't want him to feel bad!

It was different when the bloke was here as he saw munch every day, he was involved in the little everyday stuff that may not seem important individually but become more than you know when you add them all up, and to be honest he was more of a positive role model in the munchkin's life than his own dad is, yet not once did he ever try and act like his dad or try to take over.... 

I just don't think he actually ever realised how much of a part of this little family he had become, and it might not have been his own flesh and blood, but for a while it was a family.... it broke my heart when the munchkin said he missed having him around the other day, i think he misses having some round to do the rough and tumble stuff they used to do.... the name calling, the tickling and play fighting, the help with the computer games. 

But i don't know how to deal with all this, as next year munchkin will officially have a 'stepmom'. And there's nothing i can do to change that! What is the protocol with all this? How much do i complain about what the bint gets involved in? How do i do any of that without putting the munchkin in the middle of it all and making him feel like he's got to choose??

Families are screwed up at the best of times, and if they aren't, they just screw you up anyway... i know flesh and blood isn't the only defining thing but spending the time with them more than just a night every fortnight is and i know it may seem like i am being a hyporcrite and biased, but what i had with the bloke would have been more credible than what the munchkins dad has with the bint... whether they are married or not as it is about the time you spend with munchin at the end of the day!!

Beam me up snotty!

Well I guess today was a bit of an odd one to say the least.... not quite what i was expecting when i woke up but it all still turned out ok in the end, and it's always good to catch up with old friends, especially my old dancing partner!


Now i'm back home though and it's all quiet here, almost spookily so when you consider what noise is usually happening here with the munchkin.... but this is one of the parts i hate the most, because this when i really do miss what i can't have. 


It just feels like i have lost one of my best friends at the moment, someone i can talk to about almost anything, even if i do sometimes do it though tears and snot! 


I just hope he knows that he has the same in me.... i haven't run away from him once over the past few months even through the harder times, and i won't...and having someone who you can rely on to be there no matter what is what it is about.


Guess i really should just make use of the quiet and actually go to bed though... and i know my legs are going to ache in the morning after all the dancing tonight. 
Which reminds me.... since when was it ok to go out in town for the night with your ass hanging out? Think i must have missed that memo!

???

Not sure what to think about today really.... Guess it throws up a dilemma? Whether I can answer it yet I don't know?

Tonight was a bit odd though and I don't think certain people would be best pleased with the conversation I had tonight.... And I could see the back peddling happen, trying to make out something that was sent in one context, really meant something different.... I might be an idiot at times but my intuition is never that far off.... I know what is going on, and what was implied!!

I just wish I could make others see what is going on in that way too, maybe then they might rethink a little as I think there is a tendency to get fantasy/artificial time confused with reality sometime..... And you know what when you look back that reality was great because the grass wasn't greener on the other side!! :0( Seen that enough times at work!!

Guess I could have a very lonely weekend or I could be very busy if that is what I chose!!

Night little blogettes x

Head fook

Not sure where my head is at this week! Work is crazy at the moment and i don't know whether i am coming or going.... i'm just watching to see how deep the knife in my back will get shoved in. Why is it that no matter what i do or how hard i try, someone tries to undermine me? All i want to do is be able to deliver what i do, let people try to enjoy being there and make sure i don't break stuff as i go.... to leave things no worse than they were before i started?


Guess the same can go for home to? 
Trying to move on but at the moment my heart isn't in it.... i've been asked out by 3 or 4 different people, just for something like coffee or a film, nothing heavy, but at the moment i'm not ready to as they aren't the ones i want. Guess my heart isn't in it or ready yet? Although guess that is just something unique to me as i'm easy to get over and move on from?!?!

i don't mean to break stuff, i just want everyone to be happy but at the moment i just feel like i have driven everyone that was good in my life away, and am now alone.... i don't feel like i do anything right... i wasn't good enough to be with someone and so i am alone, i don't feel like i am around enough as a mom, so i'm not a good parent.... like i said, head is fooked! Xmas, new year, mortgages, CSA, home, kid, work... it's all just swirling around in there so no wonder no-one is willing to stick around and deal with that mess!


just need a white flag i guess?
Dido says it best!


I know you think that I shouldn't still love you, 
Or tell you that.
But if I didn't say it, well I'd still have felt it 
where's the sense in that? 

I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder 
Or return to where we were 

I will go down with this ship 
And I won't put my hands up and surrender 
There will be no white flag above my door 
I'm in love and always will be 

I know I left too much mess and 
destruction to come back again 
And I caused nothing but trouble 
I understand if you can't talk to me again 
And if you live by the rules of "it's over" 
then I'm sure that that makes sense 

Is this your finger?

Not sure where my head is at this week....


It's been all change at work and i'm not sure whether it is a good or bad change at the moment. If we can prove what we're doing then as it is now the director that has come in to fix stuff then we should be fine and it will hopefully be smoother sailing.... BUT, if we don't prove what we need to then i guess the worse that can happen is that i get sacked? 


That is a possibility i don't even want to contemplate at the moment.... the pressure that i feel being the only one that pays the bills is suffocating sometimes, so much more than what a lot of people realise. If i don't pay what i need to then both me and my son are stuffed!! £16 a week that the fookin' CSA reckon his dad has to pay will cover jack shit! Don't even know what i'll do if that happens, not like i have anyone around to help cushion the blow. In that instance i really am worth more gone!!


Hopefully though it won't come to that though. Had an interesting email through today and i think there may be a job interview in the pipeline, but i won't hold my breathe just yet for that. 


And then there is the other stuff.... and that is making my head explode! I never not looked forward to xmas. I love this time of year. But this year i could quite easily cancel all of it for several reasons.


And then there is this weekend. My one child free saturday night and everyone i know is away/busy/not available and so it looks like i am going to have to spend it by myself. And to those of you who say so what? you don't understand how valuable or precious to me they are, they are the one time i can truly unwind, but this weekend looks like it is going to be just me, again, just like every other night.... talk about a no hoper!!! 

Quotes

Some random quotes i found and thought i'd share




One's real life is often the life that one does not lead - Oscar Wilde


I love you, not only for what you are, but for what i am when i am with you - Roy Croft

Take chances. Tell the truth. Date someone totally wrong for you. Say no. Spend all your cash! Fall in love. Get to know someone random. Be random. Say I love you. Sing out loud. Laugh at a stupid joke. Cry. Get revenge. Apologize. Tell someone how much they mean to you. Tell the asshole what you feel. Let someone know what theyre missing. Laugh til your stomach hurts. LIVE LIFE!

You shouldn't regret anything that you say, because it was what you were feeling at the moment.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one waits forever.

Chances are so hard to come by and the second one is impossible to find.

You gotta take some chances, you gotta risk losing it all, you gotta close your eyes and leap because it might be worth the fall.

Often we say goodbye to the person we love without wanting to.
Though that doesn't mean that we've stopped loving them or we've stopped to care. Sometimes goodbye is a painful way to say i love you! 


Real tears are not those that fall from the eyes and cover the face, but those that fall from the heart and cover the soul

It's hard to accept, but you can't change the past. You can't go back and manipulate things to the way you wanted them to happen. Because life'd be meaningless and boring and just not worth living. But you can change the future and that's a beautiful thing about life. Yes, you will make mistakes. And yes, you will have bad days - but as long as you let the past go, you'll have such a gorgeous and bright future ahead of you. Knowing that things were meant to happen. Knowing that each day you will learn something so that you keep growing to be a better person. Life is like a rope, twined in all its complexities and yet weaved into one marvelous stream that you have the chance you use something amazing from. So grab hold of it.

Take chances… alot of them. Because honestly, no matter where you end up - and with who, it always ends up just the way it should be. Your mistakes make you who you are... you learn and grow with each choice you make. Everything is worth it. Say how you feel - always. Be you, and be okay with it.

It's better to cross the line and suffer the consequences than to just stare at that line for the rest of your life.

The best thing that you can do in life is follow your heart. Take risks. Don't just take the safe and easy choices because your afraid of what might happen. Don't have any regrets and know that everything happens for a reason.

For a few minutes you made me feel as though I actually meant something to someone.