Cogs

Had someone send me through a link today to the story I've pasted below.... 


I've been thinking about so much lately. This whole thing about christmas and me not having the munch has sent me in such a spin, and today just tipped me over the edge a little, as i tried to do something nice for me and munch, and yet i still got torpedoed by the knobhead ex. 
I hate the fact that i still have to deal with him. I wish he was completely out my life but that isn't going to happen and so i have to decide between hurting my son or dealing with my own pain..... and as any mother will tell you, you will do ANYTHING to stop your child from hurting, something many (and i am not saying all) fathers just do not even consider.


And the cruel twist in all this is the one person i felt i could turn to is the bloke. He is the one person who has seen how much i have had to put up with and understand why i was feeling the way i was, and he is the one person i don't think would ever hurt me like that, although maybe i am completely wrong about all that? All i wanted today was to have a friend around but like most my life the one time i do need someone i am alone.


I've just had a knot the size of my fist in my stomach today, and I've felt sick all day :0(


Before the story below was sent to me i have been thinking what do i want? It's amazing what goes through your head driving for a couple of hours as you come back home, especially after the night i'd had. 


Some of it seems materialistic when it's wrote down, and i don't think i am wholly that bad but deep down it's the sort of place i want to get to....


- i want my son to be healthy and happy and doing something he loves doing. I want to have a good relationship with him, and not have him think or talk about me like i do about my parents. I want him to respect me as i don't really respect my parents, especially my mom, as they both live in cloud cuckoo land


- i want to be married to my best friend. i never really thought of marriage as being something for me but to have someone stand up in front of everyone and declare that they want to be with you for the rest of their life is something that after everything i have been through would mean so much to me now. And i am not expecting perfection, or an easy ride all the time.... but having someone you know is there for you no matter what, who can give you the hug you need after a bad day, that provides you with that sense of security and safety that you get from just being near them, that understands when you are having a bad day... I want that


- i want a family. I thought i was done with all that after knobhead, but to be with someone who i feel secure enough with to add to the unit we would already have with me and munch would be great, and if i am totally honest i would love to have a little girl (but don't get me wrong little boys are great as they love their mommy's a lot)


- i want a home. I love where i live now but if i was married, where we live i would want to be ours not somewhere i got with my ex. I am proud of what i have and i'm not willing to give up all my independence, or split this house 50/50 (unless they have the same to put in), but i'd love to have a detached home, with a big(gish) garden, a garage to keep something like an audi or a merc in, 4 or 5 bedrooms so we can have people stay over, a room we could turn into a den/games room, a study... maybe even a hot tub in the garden! (I did say it sounded materialistic)


- i want a job i enjoy doing, that i can progress and learn in, and am successful in


- i want to make sure i look after myself. I don't ever want to be fat again.... and i had only got like that because of how bad knobhead had treated me and made me feel about myself.


The biggest shitter in all of this though is that i found someone i thought i could have tried having this with, but lifes a bitch and it wasn't the same for him.... i couldn't compete with the ghosts of his past, or the draw of certain people, and so now i am going to lose him out my life as he will move away and forget about me.... he probably doesn't even miss me now as he's having too much fun with them, and to be honest that hurts. 
I'm trying to move on, and some of it is already complicated.... even though i am trying to keep it simple!






So some of what is below is true, some of it doesn't apply in my case.... but thought i'd copy it all as it isn't too bad a read:


If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better. 


Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. 


Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently? 


Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. 


Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. Oh Lord!  If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. All men are not dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.


You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists  of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him—he takes it for granted. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others. 


They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.