Well, are people ready?
Only 2 more sleeps and Christmas is here! 9 more sleeps and we can say goodbye to 2012 and start with all those new year resolutions which will most likely be broken within the first week lol!
New years always represents time for change, fresh starts, new beginnings....
Can't say 2012 has been the worst year I've had but I know its been a roller coaster. Whether that continues into 2013 or not I don't know?!
This year has been mixed - Its was the year I finally got my freedom from the douche bag as the house became mine, it was the year when friends have moved away so we don't get to talk as much, it was the year when work completely overwhelmed me and pushed me to the limit, and it was the year when i realised that who my friends are and who I can count on.
I've learnt a lot about myself, about the fact that strength of character is not about being knocked down, it's about being able to get back up after... to not have regrets as life is too short, that no matter how much people say I can't do something I find a way of getting there eventually. Maybe not in the most graceful way but I get there.
This year I have munch with me for Christmas so its going to be a quietish day with just the two of us. I don't really have him boxing day so hoping that I can go see a few friends rather than sit in by myself, and then we have a fancy dress party to go to on New Years Eve. Then its only about 7 weeks till we go to Washington (eek)!! So excited about that!!
I need to think about what I want to do, seriously, and see what I do about work, where I want to go career wise. That's a hard one as I have always just followed my instinct and grabbed the opportunities when they appear. So far it hasn't done me wrong but I guess I should take more control over things?
Not sure I can take the same control over my home life as some of the things I want are out of my control so I think for now I just leave it and see what happens?!
If the people I have talked to about the future are right, then the spirits are with me and I have a 17th century guide from a past life steering me through? It also means I am in for an interesting couple of years (in a good way)!!
In the meantime think I am going to kick back, visit friends, drink mulled wine and just chill.... might also book another holiday ;0)
Not sure if I will be back on here before the new year so I'll just say this now...
For all those in my life that have been there for me and seen me during the lows and highs this year thank you. And whether I talk to you daily or occasionally you all mean the world to me and I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.
And remember the New Year may be a new beginning, but that doesn't mean things in the past can't be undone as do-overs are always possible lol
Much love xx
Monday, 24 December 2012
Tuesday, 11 December 2012
Tick tick boom
Been a while since I've wrote on here.... it's not that I haven't wanted to but things/life have just kept me occupied.
Sometimes I think that if I actually started writing what was going through my head I'd either not be able to stop the verbal download, or I just come across as a complete head case..... or maybe it would be a bit of both? Who knows?
It sounds like such a cop out but work has still been keeping me busy, though the last couple of weeks I have just lost my motivation there. Maybe its because everyone has got to the headless chicken stage and I am at the point where I know what shit pile is going to land on me next week, but I am also back to the 'do I, don't I' question of finding a new job? Guess its something i just need to keep mulling over for a bit? Its a scary choice when it's more than just you that would be impacted by the wrong one.... and is the grass REALLY greener on the other side?
I've also done the Christmas run up to Birmingham, but now i have the last bits here to do and i just haven't found the motivation to do it... even writing Christmas cards seems too much this year. At least I've got the visit to the parents over and done with.
This weekend was a good one.... my birthday was Saturday and so went out with some friends to celebrate. Had a really good night out, and didn't feel too rough the next day, which considering the amount of shots we did, is pretty good going!
I think if anything the one thing that I was most disappointed in was people who I thought did/would care not even sending a happy birthday through.... there's a couple of people who I thought was better than that but obviously they don't care as much as I thought they did.
Its this time of year that I miss people being around.... I miss being able to talk to them, to laugh with them, to chat absolute shite with them when tipsy like we used to. Friends like that are few and far between, and I wish that they thought the effort was worth it too, guess I misjudged them?
Oh well... got more drinking down the German Market planned this weekend, as this month I have every Saturday night free, and then there's the Christmas party (well christmas pub crawl) to look forward to. Those nights usually turn into a good laugh.... and maybe for one of these events I will actually remember to take my camera out for a few photos that aren't blurry?!
Sometimes I think that if I actually started writing what was going through my head I'd either not be able to stop the verbal download, or I just come across as a complete head case..... or maybe it would be a bit of both? Who knows?
It sounds like such a cop out but work has still been keeping me busy, though the last couple of weeks I have just lost my motivation there. Maybe its because everyone has got to the headless chicken stage and I am at the point where I know what shit pile is going to land on me next week, but I am also back to the 'do I, don't I' question of finding a new job? Guess its something i just need to keep mulling over for a bit? Its a scary choice when it's more than just you that would be impacted by the wrong one.... and is the grass REALLY greener on the other side?
I've also done the Christmas run up to Birmingham, but now i have the last bits here to do and i just haven't found the motivation to do it... even writing Christmas cards seems too much this year. At least I've got the visit to the parents over and done with.
This weekend was a good one.... my birthday was Saturday and so went out with some friends to celebrate. Had a really good night out, and didn't feel too rough the next day, which considering the amount of shots we did, is pretty good going!
I think if anything the one thing that I was most disappointed in was people who I thought did/would care not even sending a happy birthday through.... there's a couple of people who I thought was better than that but obviously they don't care as much as I thought they did.
Its this time of year that I miss people being around.... I miss being able to talk to them, to laugh with them, to chat absolute shite with them when tipsy like we used to. Friends like that are few and far between, and I wish that they thought the effort was worth it too, guess I misjudged them?
Oh well... got more drinking down the German Market planned this weekend, as this month I have every Saturday night free, and then there's the Christmas party (well christmas pub crawl) to look forward to. Those nights usually turn into a good laugh.... and maybe for one of these events I will actually remember to take my camera out for a few photos that aren't blurry?!
Wednesday, 21 November 2012
Mixed up like a cocktail
Don't know which way is up at the moment! So much going on I'm not sure what to do first!
Work is the usual crazy busy, but at the moment I am trying to also do all my Christmas shopping as need to go back up home to drop the presents off the first weekend in Dec, so my 'last minute shopping' that most people associate with Christmas eve, comes at the end of November for me!
And then I have to wrap it all!!! Because we won't be here for the first weekend in December, and my birthday is the next weekend, me and munch are putting the tree up next weekend as it HAS to be up before my birthday, and I'm not doing it in the week.... There are some traditions that no matter how old I get, I will still stick too!
I think one of the things that has been the hardest this week is trying to comfort munch as his dad has gone on honeymoon number 2 (yes 2!! the bloke that can barely afford child support and thinks £16 a week is an acceptable amount has two honeymoons). As his dad is on a cruise though its not like he can even ring every day.
Typical though that i have to deal with the fall out of choices his dad makes. If I did that I would get such a hard time of the douche bag!! And it also means that i have to do both ends of the child care which is knackering as there is no respite!
At the moment things are still moving with Kingy... where i don't know but as I said before I'm not going to think about it too much or expect anything as the one thing I've learnt as that no matter what you think you know about someone, as soon as you have expectations, you will get your heart broken as they will eventually let you down. Its never ever going to be an if.... its always a when!
And I guess there's still the odd dalliance with Toblerone? That one always brightens the day especially as its just a work based thing... Certainly make some meetings a bit more interesting lol!
Work is the usual crazy busy, but at the moment I am trying to also do all my Christmas shopping as need to go back up home to drop the presents off the first weekend in Dec, so my 'last minute shopping' that most people associate with Christmas eve, comes at the end of November for me!
And then I have to wrap it all!!! Because we won't be here for the first weekend in December, and my birthday is the next weekend, me and munch are putting the tree up next weekend as it HAS to be up before my birthday, and I'm not doing it in the week.... There are some traditions that no matter how old I get, I will still stick too!
I think one of the things that has been the hardest this week is trying to comfort munch as his dad has gone on honeymoon number 2 (yes 2!! the bloke that can barely afford child support and thinks £16 a week is an acceptable amount has two honeymoons). As his dad is on a cruise though its not like he can even ring every day.
Typical though that i have to deal with the fall out of choices his dad makes. If I did that I would get such a hard time of the douche bag!! And it also means that i have to do both ends of the child care which is knackering as there is no respite!
At the moment things are still moving with Kingy... where i don't know but as I said before I'm not going to think about it too much or expect anything as the one thing I've learnt as that no matter what you think you know about someone, as soon as you have expectations, you will get your heart broken as they will eventually let you down. Its never ever going to be an if.... its always a when!
And I guess there's still the odd dalliance with Toblerone? That one always brightens the day especially as its just a work based thing... Certainly make some meetings a bit more interesting lol!
Wednesday, 14 November 2012
Goldfish and chips
Do you ever have one of those days where you wake up and go about your daily jobs but your brain stays in bed? That's been my week so far this week... I think i make the ditsy blonde look smart!
My attention spell seems to be the size of a gnats bollock at the moment! Definitely need a holiday I think!!
Betsy and Puddings came over tonight for tea (chips, battered sausage and mushy peas nom nom nom) and a girly catch up, and we ended up looking through the brochure's I picked up over the weekend (although I think they were looking for where they could go rather than me lol)
We did some how go from talking about having a holiday where you could shower outside to Richard Branson's island where you can 'Poo with a view'... Not sure that's in the brochure though eek!
It was the kind of night I needed really. It just seems that at the moment there is so much being said that is OTT, where things are being said where I am not sure who they are trying to convince? Are they trying to show everyone how good things are going? Or are they really just trying to convince themselves? Thursday could be interesting I guess?!?
I did speak to Kingy yesterday but still not seen him, so still not sure whats going on there? I think I'll just leave the ball in his court!
In the meantime, I'll avoid the PDA's, see if I can wake my brain up, and try and limit the number of people I piss off at work this week.... not sure of the success rate though haha!!
Also need to figure out when i can finish the Christmas shopping ahead of the road trip at the beginning of the month. Have put my brownie and mince pie order in though lol!
Friday is tarot card night. Never had it done before so lets see if this hocus pocus collaborates the crystals or not. Until then.... its bedtime peeps!
My attention spell seems to be the size of a gnats bollock at the moment! Definitely need a holiday I think!!
Betsy and Puddings came over tonight for tea (chips, battered sausage and mushy peas nom nom nom) and a girly catch up, and we ended up looking through the brochure's I picked up over the weekend (although I think they were looking for where they could go rather than me lol)
We did some how go from talking about having a holiday where you could shower outside to Richard Branson's island where you can 'Poo with a view'... Not sure that's in the brochure though eek!
It was the kind of night I needed really. It just seems that at the moment there is so much being said that is OTT, where things are being said where I am not sure who they are trying to convince? Are they trying to show everyone how good things are going? Or are they really just trying to convince themselves? Thursday could be interesting I guess?!?
I did speak to Kingy yesterday but still not seen him, so still not sure whats going on there? I think I'll just leave the ball in his court!
In the meantime, I'll avoid the PDA's, see if I can wake my brain up, and try and limit the number of people I piss off at work this week.... not sure of the success rate though haha!!
Also need to figure out when i can finish the Christmas shopping ahead of the road trip at the beginning of the month. Have put my brownie and mince pie order in though lol!
Friday is tarot card night. Never had it done before so lets see if this hocus pocus collaborates the crystals or not. Until then.... its bedtime peeps!
Saturday, 10 November 2012
Hocus Pocus
Can't believe we're already part through November. I only realised today that's its about 4 weeks to my birthday! I've blinked and missed the last couple of months for sure!!
Wonder who will be around to help me celebrate? Some people that it would have been good to see out won't be there and I can guess who those will be most likely. The people and place I am in, in my life are great (apart from too many hours working but hey-ho) but it still won't stop me missing certain people being around to help me celebrate. Just not sure who will make it up from home, guess just wait and see?!
One of my old work friends came round the other day, so we tried something out (and no, not that for any pervs reading this Lol!).
She's into a lot of the new age type stuff and she brought her crystals round with her, so I gave the 'channeling your energy' and asking them questions a go. It may all be a bit of hocus pocus, but she swears by it and that they've never let her down yet, so I guess I just keep an open mind?
I asked about me and Kingy.... he's back from holidays so guess see what happens next? I'm under no illusions, its complicated as it is, so I don't really have many expectations if I'm honest, and this was consistent with the answers I got from the crystals when I asked about it. I really am of the mind of Que Serra, Serra with it all though...
I did ask the crystal some other questions which got interesting responses. Not sure how much to believe in them.... I'd love to think they will come true, but I've learnt that believing in dreams and hopes and wishes more often than not only leads to heart break and disappointment, and I've had enough of that to last me a life time.
One of the answers confused me, but all the questions I asked I tried several times, and my friend has asked the same questions the other night and her answers matched what I got, and since i only told her the questions and not the responses then that is kind of spooky!
Like I said, mainly hocus pocus, but most the answers matched what the old 'female intuation' tells me and that is something i do believe in. As of yet, my gut instinct has always been spot on! Its spotted liars, cheats and got me out of some sticky situations.
Anyway, regardless of what happens going forward, there's things to keep me amused now ;0)
Some old faces have already made a re-appearance, and there are some new faces i wouldn't mind getting to know more! Its all about finding people that you connect with and can go between just talking shit then talking about something completely deep, that's all i want.
To find someone who can be your best friend, your strongest supporter, your lover and your confident rolled up in one package is the aim, but given what I've seen of people i also think its a myth. There are many people with good intentions, but not very many good people. Trust me I've seen sides of people that i didn't think exist, and i have a few secrets that they'd hate for other people to find out
Wonder who will be around to help me celebrate? Some people that it would have been good to see out won't be there and I can guess who those will be most likely. The people and place I am in, in my life are great (apart from too many hours working but hey-ho) but it still won't stop me missing certain people being around to help me celebrate. Just not sure who will make it up from home, guess just wait and see?!
One of my old work friends came round the other day, so we tried something out (and no, not that for any pervs reading this Lol!).
She's into a lot of the new age type stuff and she brought her crystals round with her, so I gave the 'channeling your energy' and asking them questions a go. It may all be a bit of hocus pocus, but she swears by it and that they've never let her down yet, so I guess I just keep an open mind?
I asked about me and Kingy.... he's back from holidays so guess see what happens next? I'm under no illusions, its complicated as it is, so I don't really have many expectations if I'm honest, and this was consistent with the answers I got from the crystals when I asked about it. I really am of the mind of Que Serra, Serra with it all though...
I did ask the crystal some other questions which got interesting responses. Not sure how much to believe in them.... I'd love to think they will come true, but I've learnt that believing in dreams and hopes and wishes more often than not only leads to heart break and disappointment, and I've had enough of that to last me a life time.
One of the answers confused me, but all the questions I asked I tried several times, and my friend has asked the same questions the other night and her answers matched what I got, and since i only told her the questions and not the responses then that is kind of spooky!
Like I said, mainly hocus pocus, but most the answers matched what the old 'female intuation' tells me and that is something i do believe in. As of yet, my gut instinct has always been spot on! Its spotted liars, cheats and got me out of some sticky situations.
Anyway, regardless of what happens going forward, there's things to keep me amused now ;0)
Some old faces have already made a re-appearance, and there are some new faces i wouldn't mind getting to know more! Its all about finding people that you connect with and can go between just talking shit then talking about something completely deep, that's all i want.
To find someone who can be your best friend, your strongest supporter, your lover and your confident rolled up in one package is the aim, but given what I've seen of people i also think its a myth. There are many people with good intentions, but not very many good people. Trust me I've seen sides of people that i didn't think exist, and i have a few secrets that they'd hate for other people to find out
Sunday, 28 October 2012
Been a while!
Well what can I say it's been a roller coaster of a few months, today is the first time I have logged on to my laptop in about two months! Not that anyone will have missed me.... usual story!
Most my time has been taken up with work. It has literally pushed me to the brink of what I can stand. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed a little pressure at work, it might sound a little sado masochist but I really don't work well without some pressure but this past few months has nearly broken me!
Never before have I been put in the position where I have been made to truly question my ability at work, to be in a position where I am concerned over whether I will keep my job after all this works out?
I still don't know if I will be made the sacrificial lamb after all of this, but at the same time, with so many people making me feel like I have completely failed in my job, I also have some fairly high up people in the company telling the MD of the company I work for that under no circumstances can they lose me as I am critical to the delivery.... talk about fucked up mixed messages?!
I know tiredness has contributed to my whole mood lately, think I clocked up 150 hours overtime last month! But in all of this, because of how much time I have spent working I've had the other side of the coin to deal with as its also made me feel like such a crap parent. I've barely had chance to spend time with munch, and when I do I am so tired, I am desperately trying not to snap at him because I'm tired. I hate feeling like this and its all that bit harder not having anyone around to lean on, just for five minutes....
Sometimes I do question my choices though, and maybe they aren't always the best?
In all of this I have still managed to have my fun, but looking at it I do wonder if it damages my self esteem more than it helps? I tend to go through cycles of how I feel about whats been going on I guess. Feels like being a pendulum at times!
Sometime I miss having someone so bad it feels like my heart is shattered into tiny pieces and its never going back together, but then other times, considering what I've seen men do, and how easy they lie, change their mind and generally treat the people they say they care about then I'm probably better off by myself?
Men say they want one thing but no matter what, they are all just liars... I've yet to find one that doesn't lie in some shape or form!
From Toblerone to the King, to those that have been and gone... deep down they're all the same, regardless of what they say their intentions are.
I guess I have found out that I am far stronger than I ever thought possible over the last few months, and years.
No matter how much I have been hurt, how many pieces I have been broken into, I still get up and I still keep going.
One day I am sure I will get knocked down and not be able to get back up.... or maybe one day I may eventually find the one exception to the rule?
But then again, maybe that really is the Hollywood ending that never actually really exists outside of a cinema screen?
Most my time has been taken up with work. It has literally pushed me to the brink of what I can stand. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed a little pressure at work, it might sound a little sado masochist but I really don't work well without some pressure but this past few months has nearly broken me!
Never before have I been put in the position where I have been made to truly question my ability at work, to be in a position where I am concerned over whether I will keep my job after all this works out?
I still don't know if I will be made the sacrificial lamb after all of this, but at the same time, with so many people making me feel like I have completely failed in my job, I also have some fairly high up people in the company telling the MD of the company I work for that under no circumstances can they lose me as I am critical to the delivery.... talk about fucked up mixed messages?!
I know tiredness has contributed to my whole mood lately, think I clocked up 150 hours overtime last month! But in all of this, because of how much time I have spent working I've had the other side of the coin to deal with as its also made me feel like such a crap parent. I've barely had chance to spend time with munch, and when I do I am so tired, I am desperately trying not to snap at him because I'm tired. I hate feeling like this and its all that bit harder not having anyone around to lean on, just for five minutes....
Sometimes I do question my choices though, and maybe they aren't always the best?
In all of this I have still managed to have my fun, but looking at it I do wonder if it damages my self esteem more than it helps? I tend to go through cycles of how I feel about whats been going on I guess. Feels like being a pendulum at times!
Sometime I miss having someone so bad it feels like my heart is shattered into tiny pieces and its never going back together, but then other times, considering what I've seen men do, and how easy they lie, change their mind and generally treat the people they say they care about then I'm probably better off by myself?
Men say they want one thing but no matter what, they are all just liars... I've yet to find one that doesn't lie in some shape or form!
From Toblerone to the King, to those that have been and gone... deep down they're all the same, regardless of what they say their intentions are.
I guess I have found out that I am far stronger than I ever thought possible over the last few months, and years.
No matter how much I have been hurt, how many pieces I have been broken into, I still get up and I still keep going.
One day I am sure I will get knocked down and not be able to get back up.... or maybe one day I may eventually find the one exception to the rule?
But then again, maybe that really is the Hollywood ending that never actually really exists outside of a cinema screen?
Tuesday, 25 September 2012
Ridiculous!
This is getting beyond a joke now!
If I could stop I would but I cant! I'm working every hour I can and I can feel myself being worn down.... And the sad thing is I have no one around to give a shit!
Nice to know that people I was meant to mean something to once don't give a rats ass, it's like I never existed...
I don't know why I bother or why I carry on, it's obvious I could just disappear and they wouldn't even notice
If I could stop I would but I cant! I'm working every hour I can and I can feel myself being worn down.... And the sad thing is I have no one around to give a shit!
Nice to know that people I was meant to mean something to once don't give a rats ass, it's like I never existed...
I don't know why I bother or why I carry on, it's obvious I could just disappear and they wouldn't even notice
Monday, 24 September 2012
Can't believe how long it's been since I last wrote on here!
The last time was just after I got back from holiday, and that was the end of last month. I think I've blinked and missed September....
I think a lot of it has to do with work. Its gone from horrendous to worse than shit! When you get dragged into a two hour meeting with the CIO and basically get your ass chewed out for things that was not your fault or beyond your control.... and then when you TRY to defend and reason about the position you're now in, you get told to either shut up or be removed from the account with immediate effect.... well then you know its been a bad month!
And that was just one of a few meetings like that, and its simply because people do not understand the decisions that have taken place that have gotten what I do into the position it's in. And to be fair, I might not have every 'i' dotted and every 't' crossed, but I'm pretty much damn close.
I don't understand how some people can be so narrow minded as to say that just because something isn't there in exactly the right pretty picture then they don't want to know, and do you know what? My crystal ball is obviously not working so I'M NOT A BLOODY MIND READER!!! Jesus!!
It has got to the point where i just decided I might as well write this weekend off and try and crack on with it. I'm fed up of having to sign back into work as soon as I get through the front door in the evening and not seeing munch. Its been making me feel like I'm a really shitty mother the last few weeks. I almost missed his parents evening the other day so I was sat there in the car crying on the way home.... I'd left work later than I originally wanted then there had been an accident which had closed one of the roads out of town which just made every where busy.
Luckily I made it before it finished, but it just made me feel so bad, like I'd let him down.... the same type of feeling I have at work at the moment
Oh well, today has at least finished on a plus side! After have clocked up about 20 hours this weekend I thought this had been a real waste of a child free weekend.... however The King has just left.... and he's left me with a big smile on my face - dink dink!
Hopefully see him tomorrow night too :0)
The last time was just after I got back from holiday, and that was the end of last month. I think I've blinked and missed September....
I think a lot of it has to do with work. Its gone from horrendous to worse than shit! When you get dragged into a two hour meeting with the CIO and basically get your ass chewed out for things that was not your fault or beyond your control.... and then when you TRY to defend and reason about the position you're now in, you get told to either shut up or be removed from the account with immediate effect.... well then you know its been a bad month!
And that was just one of a few meetings like that, and its simply because people do not understand the decisions that have taken place that have gotten what I do into the position it's in. And to be fair, I might not have every 'i' dotted and every 't' crossed, but I'm pretty much damn close.
I don't understand how some people can be so narrow minded as to say that just because something isn't there in exactly the right pretty picture then they don't want to know, and do you know what? My crystal ball is obviously not working so I'M NOT A BLOODY MIND READER!!! Jesus!!
It has got to the point where i just decided I might as well write this weekend off and try and crack on with it. I'm fed up of having to sign back into work as soon as I get through the front door in the evening and not seeing munch. Its been making me feel like I'm a really shitty mother the last few weeks. I almost missed his parents evening the other day so I was sat there in the car crying on the way home.... I'd left work later than I originally wanted then there had been an accident which had closed one of the roads out of town which just made every where busy.
Luckily I made it before it finished, but it just made me feel so bad, like I'd let him down.... the same type of feeling I have at work at the moment
Oh well, today has at least finished on a plus side! After have clocked up about 20 hours this weekend I thought this had been a real waste of a child free weekend.... however The King has just left.... and he's left me with a big smile on my face - dink dink!
Hopefully see him tomorrow night too :0)
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Reality Check
Well its nearly time to go back to reality I'm afraid as my week off draws to a close :0(
Its been a good week... Random drinking last weekend and getting my tattoo, last minute holiday to Brussels which was so much better than I was expecting, and finishing off with an engagement party and a trip to the zoo this weekend!
I'm still secretly chuffed with myself that I actually went through with the tattoo as I did wonder whether I would chicken out last minute when I remembered how much getting a tattoo bloody hurts! But maybe I'm stronger than I give myself credit for?
Brussels was great and we crammed so much in with the few days we had there, and as an added bonus I didn't get us lost at all, even braving the Metro! I think I managed to tire both me and munch out though with all the walking we did around the city, may need another holiday to get over it lol!
I didn't realise how many photo's I had taken while I was there though until I uploaded them last night... Think there was nearly 700 on my camera, plus the 70 or so on my phone... so glad we live in the digital age as there is no way i could have taken that many with the old fashioned rolls of film! There was just so much to take in... churches, buildings, architecture, statues, museums, beer, chocolate, waffles..... the list goes on! So much of it was quite breath taking at times, and as I said to the munch, you never know if you'll ever actually get to go back, so you want to do and see as much as you can while you're there!! Just wish my mind and heart didn't drift at times, but sometimes there are things you can't control, even if that's not what normal every day is like? I guess it goes to show though that what I've said all along still holds true?
Today's engagement party was good, if not a little strange to start with. It was like The Cricketers on a Saturday night, but in an alternate universe as it was the cricks crowd just in a different pub! We did joke about the Cricks takings probably being down tonight as everyone was here instead lol!
It was a little strange to start with at tonight's party I guess, as the Bear's other ex girlfriend was there, but it was fine as we was laughing and chatting together just like I do with everyone else... Munch even managed three put downs to her current bf that everyone loved as for once the cocky northerner actually had no comebacks to an 11 year old!
I guess its nights like tonight that some people don't get can happen, as people often get programmed to put people and situations into boxes.... My life and my situation does not fit nicely into a single box, but that's not a bad thing, as you can be surprised at what good things can come out of mixing those boxes up sometimes and letting one box flow into another one, often it can be a whole lot of fun and giggles, you just have to be brave and take that step!
Tomorrow is the zoo where I get to wear my fairy godmother wings. Hopefully this time munch won't end up throwing up in the flower pots though! Just hoping the weather stays dry as I don't want my fairy dust to wash off.... need to save some of that for the date with L!! :0)
Its been a good week... Random drinking last weekend and getting my tattoo, last minute holiday to Brussels which was so much better than I was expecting, and finishing off with an engagement party and a trip to the zoo this weekend!
I'm still secretly chuffed with myself that I actually went through with the tattoo as I did wonder whether I would chicken out last minute when I remembered how much getting a tattoo bloody hurts! But maybe I'm stronger than I give myself credit for?
Brussels was great and we crammed so much in with the few days we had there, and as an added bonus I didn't get us lost at all, even braving the Metro! I think I managed to tire both me and munch out though with all the walking we did around the city, may need another holiday to get over it lol!
I didn't realise how many photo's I had taken while I was there though until I uploaded them last night... Think there was nearly 700 on my camera, plus the 70 or so on my phone... so glad we live in the digital age as there is no way i could have taken that many with the old fashioned rolls of film! There was just so much to take in... churches, buildings, architecture, statues, museums, beer, chocolate, waffles..... the list goes on! So much of it was quite breath taking at times, and as I said to the munch, you never know if you'll ever actually get to go back, so you want to do and see as much as you can while you're there!! Just wish my mind and heart didn't drift at times, but sometimes there are things you can't control, even if that's not what normal every day is like? I guess it goes to show though that what I've said all along still holds true?
Today's engagement party was good, if not a little strange to start with. It was like The Cricketers on a Saturday night, but in an alternate universe as it was the cricks crowd just in a different pub! We did joke about the Cricks takings probably being down tonight as everyone was here instead lol!
It was a little strange to start with at tonight's party I guess, as the Bear's other ex girlfriend was there, but it was fine as we was laughing and chatting together just like I do with everyone else... Munch even managed three put downs to her current bf that everyone loved as for once the cocky northerner actually had no comebacks to an 11 year old!
I guess its nights like tonight that some people don't get can happen, as people often get programmed to put people and situations into boxes.... My life and my situation does not fit nicely into a single box, but that's not a bad thing, as you can be surprised at what good things can come out of mixing those boxes up sometimes and letting one box flow into another one, often it can be a whole lot of fun and giggles, you just have to be brave and take that step!
Tomorrow is the zoo where I get to wear my fairy godmother wings. Hopefully this time munch won't end up throwing up in the flower pots though! Just hoping the weather stays dry as I don't want my fairy dust to wash off.... need to save some of that for the date with L!! :0)
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Belgian beer
I've had a really great time here with munch, crammed so much in and it really is such a beautiful city! Just wish I hadn't missed a certain bear... It's strange as I'm doing fine without him but there are still times when I miss him too... At least I have L to distract me!
Tuesday, 28 August 2012
Randomness is the best medicine
Its been a cracking bank holiday weekend and the great thing is.... I'm not at work for the rest of the week lol!
I've always preferred doing things spur of the moment and I think this weekend I managed to do pretty well!
Saturday morning went and booked a trip to Brussels this week with munch.
Its quite scary as this is the first time I've ever been abroad when it has just been him and me. Its quite daunting knowing you're the responsible adult. If its just me and I get lost then that's fine, but dragging a child around and getting lost is quite scary, only me to look out for him..... I've never not had the security of another adult to help around but at least he's of an age where I can do this. And some of the stuff there looks cool, there's a mini Europe park, and lots of odd little statues and parks, pretty sure we'll be able to keep ourselves amused for the 3 nights we're there!!
The other random thing this weekend was going and getting a tattoo on the back of my neck. I forgot how much they bloody hurt though.... I'm now squirming at the idea of having the one on my ribs done! I will get it eventually but think I may have to build up a bit of courage again lol!!
The one on my neck is Munch's star sign and date of birth. I don't like tattoo's with names as i think they are a bit chavvy if I'm honest, but this one is something that has meaning to me, is for munch, without having names permanently scrawled on my skin.
Went out with some friends Saturday night, and it was only meant to be a quiet few, but as it turned out I don't remember coming home! I woke up Sunday morning face down in my bed, stripped and all my clothes on the floor in the bathroom, the contents of my handbag on the window ledge and a pint of squash next to the bed nearly empty.
At least my auto pilot works when intoxicated lol! I did have that 5 minute panic when i wondered where my phone was (my jeans pocket on the floor of the bathroom), had i shut the front door (yes, and even took the keys out the lock before i did it) and did I come home alone (thankfully yes! no random Torquay footballer in the house.... although i do remember talking to two of them in the pub....)
Well nearly finished packing, got to get up early (*groan*) to catch the train but then I'm on holiday (can i get a whoop?). When I get back, got an engagement party Saturday and then off to the zoo Sunday with my god daughter, her parents and my friend (who's the other godmother).... maybe i can dust of the fairy wings for that?
And then after all that munch starts big school!! And I'll be back to work, trying to figure out the new routine.... Oh and I guess see what happens next with toblerone as there was more 6.9 shenanigans on Friday before I left ;0)
I've always preferred doing things spur of the moment and I think this weekend I managed to do pretty well!
Saturday morning went and booked a trip to Brussels this week with munch.
Its quite scary as this is the first time I've ever been abroad when it has just been him and me. Its quite daunting knowing you're the responsible adult. If its just me and I get lost then that's fine, but dragging a child around and getting lost is quite scary, only me to look out for him..... I've never not had the security of another adult to help around but at least he's of an age where I can do this. And some of the stuff there looks cool, there's a mini Europe park, and lots of odd little statues and parks, pretty sure we'll be able to keep ourselves amused for the 3 nights we're there!!
The other random thing this weekend was going and getting a tattoo on the back of my neck. I forgot how much they bloody hurt though.... I'm now squirming at the idea of having the one on my ribs done! I will get it eventually but think I may have to build up a bit of courage again lol!!
The one on my neck is Munch's star sign and date of birth. I don't like tattoo's with names as i think they are a bit chavvy if I'm honest, but this one is something that has meaning to me, is for munch, without having names permanently scrawled on my skin.
Went out with some friends Saturday night, and it was only meant to be a quiet few, but as it turned out I don't remember coming home! I woke up Sunday morning face down in my bed, stripped and all my clothes on the floor in the bathroom, the contents of my handbag on the window ledge and a pint of squash next to the bed nearly empty.
At least my auto pilot works when intoxicated lol! I did have that 5 minute panic when i wondered where my phone was (my jeans pocket on the floor of the bathroom), had i shut the front door (yes, and even took the keys out the lock before i did it) and did I come home alone (thankfully yes! no random Torquay footballer in the house.... although i do remember talking to two of them in the pub....)
Well nearly finished packing, got to get up early (*groan*) to catch the train but then I'm on holiday (can i get a whoop?). When I get back, got an engagement party Saturday and then off to the zoo Sunday with my god daughter, her parents and my friend (who's the other godmother).... maybe i can dust of the fairy wings for that?
And then after all that munch starts big school!! And I'll be back to work, trying to figure out the new routine.... Oh and I guess see what happens next with toblerone as there was more 6.9 shenanigans on Friday before I left ;0)
Thursday, 16 August 2012
straw that broke the camels back
well that was certainly 'different' today!
It's not something I do often, or like doing, but today saw me actually break at work! Can honestly say having your boss waiting outside the ladies waiting for you to come out is a little stalkerish!!
I think was a day when everything collided and it was either scream and shout in the office, or do what most females do to be honest.... go off, have a moment, pull yourself together and then carry on with the problem.
However in some ways I think it might have been a good thing. I have been saying for a few weeks that something was going to give soon, didn't realise that 'thing' was me, but it does mean that what I have been saying is being taken seriously and its not being seen as just me saying something for the sake of it.
Not sure what tomorrow will bring but tonight I think it will be a glass of wine, an earlier tonight and grit my teeth through tomorrow? There's just one thing missing.... and nothing I can do about that.... guess that's what comes of being damaged goods!
It's not something I do often, or like doing, but today saw me actually break at work! Can honestly say having your boss waiting outside the ladies waiting for you to come out is a little stalkerish!!
I think was a day when everything collided and it was either scream and shout in the office, or do what most females do to be honest.... go off, have a moment, pull yourself together and then carry on with the problem.
However in some ways I think it might have been a good thing. I have been saying for a few weeks that something was going to give soon, didn't realise that 'thing' was me, but it does mean that what I have been saying is being taken seriously and its not being seen as just me saying something for the sake of it.
Not sure what tomorrow will bring but tonight I think it will be a glass of wine, an earlier tonight and grit my teeth through tomorrow? There's just one thing missing.... and nothing I can do about that.... guess that's what comes of being damaged goods!
Tuesday, 14 August 2012
Where did I leave my compass?
How was your day?
A simple sentence, but when said by the right person in can make you feel cared for, protected.
That's what I'm missing at the moment. I feel cast adrift, a ship with no compass, and I'm trying desperately to get my bearings!
It's not that I lack friends. My friends are my family and I love them dearly but I still feel a sense of loneliness sometimes. Struggling today emptying the loft by myself just showed me how hard it can be.
It probably took me twice as long than if I had someone to help me, with the amount of times I was up and down the ladder, and the fact that with some stuff I just physically struggled to lift it and move it.... plus there are so many memories up there, packed away in boxes, lying around in pieces, that its never easy to do that sort of thing and spend too much time up there!
It's not all doom and gllom though...This weekend was good.... had an Olympic themed BBQ on Friday night while the nice weather was with us and it was great fun as we played our own 'games'.... space hopper races, volleyball matches (although we did lose the ball once when it got hit over the house), and we even did an egg and spoon race. Must have been a good night as I woke up feeling a little 'delicate' the next morning!! Was also up an iphone and a coat, it's amazing what people lose on a night out haha!
Saturday wasn't quite as I planned originally, but I ended up going to see TED at the cinema with my friend. Wasn't able to face the idea of drinking again!
I had nearly gone back up to Birmingham to see JJB but he ended up having his son last minute..... and not sure if that was a blessing or not? I know what would happen if I had gone, but with him living there and me here, what hope would I have of anything more permanent? I've know him since i was 13, so maybe it's best just to stay friends?
I ended up just driving round for a while Saturday night.
I just got on the motorway, put my foot down and drove. There was something therapeutic just speeding along the road, having things run through my head and trying to make sense of what I am doing at the moment, what I want, where I am going.... I have so much going through my head from the last month or so and I don't know how to make sense of some of it?!
I've been freaked out slightly as I seem to have had someone following me lately.... getting a message asking if I drive a certain car (which they got right), and was at certain places at these times (I was there), combined with the few phone calls I've had over the last couple of days have got me on edge a bit..... I don't want to go through the phone calls I had last year all over again, although this one has creeped me out more! Still trying to decide what I do about this.... Am I making something out of what may be nothing?
I think my problem is I need to find my sense of direction, I need my compass to point me back on the right path as I hate feeling like this, so out of control, out of my depth.... and knowing I'm supposed to be the responsible one. How am I supposed to look after munch when I feel like I struggle to look after myself?
A simple sentence, but when said by the right person in can make you feel cared for, protected.
That's what I'm missing at the moment. I feel cast adrift, a ship with no compass, and I'm trying desperately to get my bearings!
It's not that I lack friends. My friends are my family and I love them dearly but I still feel a sense of loneliness sometimes. Struggling today emptying the loft by myself just showed me how hard it can be.
It probably took me twice as long than if I had someone to help me, with the amount of times I was up and down the ladder, and the fact that with some stuff I just physically struggled to lift it and move it.... plus there are so many memories up there, packed away in boxes, lying around in pieces, that its never easy to do that sort of thing and spend too much time up there!
It's not all doom and gllom though...This weekend was good.... had an Olympic themed BBQ on Friday night while the nice weather was with us and it was great fun as we played our own 'games'.... space hopper races, volleyball matches (although we did lose the ball once when it got hit over the house), and we even did an egg and spoon race. Must have been a good night as I woke up feeling a little 'delicate' the next morning!! Was also up an iphone and a coat, it's amazing what people lose on a night out haha!
Saturday wasn't quite as I planned originally, but I ended up going to see TED at the cinema with my friend. Wasn't able to face the idea of drinking again!
I had nearly gone back up to Birmingham to see JJB but he ended up having his son last minute..... and not sure if that was a blessing or not? I know what would happen if I had gone, but with him living there and me here, what hope would I have of anything more permanent? I've know him since i was 13, so maybe it's best just to stay friends?
I ended up just driving round for a while Saturday night.
I just got on the motorway, put my foot down and drove. There was something therapeutic just speeding along the road, having things run through my head and trying to make sense of what I am doing at the moment, what I want, where I am going.... I have so much going through my head from the last month or so and I don't know how to make sense of some of it?!
I've been freaked out slightly as I seem to have had someone following me lately.... getting a message asking if I drive a certain car (which they got right), and was at certain places at these times (I was there), combined with the few phone calls I've had over the last couple of days have got me on edge a bit..... I don't want to go through the phone calls I had last year all over again, although this one has creeped me out more! Still trying to decide what I do about this.... Am I making something out of what may be nothing?
I think my problem is I need to find my sense of direction, I need my compass to point me back on the right path as I hate feeling like this, so out of control, out of my depth.... and knowing I'm supposed to be the responsible one. How am I supposed to look after munch when I feel like I struggle to look after myself?
Friday, 10 August 2012
one down, two to go
First weeks back always suck.... and I think someone has sneaked extra hours into this one!! Coming back into work after a week off to then have three days of all day meetings, not quite the start I wanted but on the plus side, it's only 1 day till the weekend now and then two more weeks and I have another week off - huzzah!!
No playing with toblerone this week, as its all work and no play for everyone.... looking forward to tomorrow night though. Going with the theme of the olympics I'm doing a BBQ and theres a games theme..... got space hoppers to have races with, swing ball, volley ball, egg and spoon, three-legged..... plus the olympics on the wii. Add into that alcohol and i think it could get a little messy lol!
Also got date night with colin saturday.... see how that goes? Not sure what we're doing yet as was just waiting to see what the weather is like. Might go for a walk down the beach?
Just need to unwind I think as I have a feeling next week at work will just be more of the same as this one. Really am starting to think it's time to get a new job!!
No playing with toblerone this week, as its all work and no play for everyone.... looking forward to tomorrow night though. Going with the theme of the olympics I'm doing a BBQ and theres a games theme..... got space hoppers to have races with, swing ball, volley ball, egg and spoon, three-legged..... plus the olympics on the wii. Add into that alcohol and i think it could get a little messy lol!
Also got date night with colin saturday.... see how that goes? Not sure what we're doing yet as was just waiting to see what the weather is like. Might go for a walk down the beach?
Just need to unwind I think as I have a feeling next week at work will just be more of the same as this one. Really am starting to think it's time to get a new job!!
Tuesday, 7 August 2012
.-.
Well I survived the dreaded first day back..... only 14 more working days till the next week off lol!!
I knew today wasn't going to be pretty... the disadvantage of checking emails while you are off, but at least I knew what kind of things I was walking into today, and I'm hoping I managed to diffuse both ticking time bombs? At least for this week....
I do sometimes wonder if I disappeared whether I would be missed.... Sometimes just in relation to work and sometimes more in general. After all a job is just a job and I know nobody is indispensible, so although it might be difficult, someone can come in and pick up what I do.... does the same apply to home? Munch would still have his dad, and now he has a step mom, would anyone really notice if I wasn't around? Don't think they would.... I might be a passing thought every now and again, but other than that I don't have anyone around to really miss me.... I don't 'matter' to anyone these days. I wish I did, but anyone who ever matters to me, throws me to the side for something better and history can only repeat itself so many times before you start to believe its you not them.... After all, people who say they care, or cared once upon a time, never really follow through and actions speak louder than words.... things are easy to say but so much harder to stick to!
We all get lonely days get stuck in a phase
I can see the sun is shining bright right on through the haze
I complain to say is this really my life
Now that I'm over you, and I'm sober too
I can finally feel alive
But I won't give you my heart, cause it don't break twice
I knew today wasn't going to be pretty... the disadvantage of checking emails while you are off, but at least I knew what kind of things I was walking into today, and I'm hoping I managed to diffuse both ticking time bombs? At least for this week....
I do sometimes wonder if I disappeared whether I would be missed.... Sometimes just in relation to work and sometimes more in general. After all a job is just a job and I know nobody is indispensible, so although it might be difficult, someone can come in and pick up what I do.... does the same apply to home? Munch would still have his dad, and now he has a step mom, would anyone really notice if I wasn't around? Don't think they would.... I might be a passing thought every now and again, but other than that I don't have anyone around to really miss me.... I don't 'matter' to anyone these days. I wish I did, but anyone who ever matters to me, throws me to the side for something better and history can only repeat itself so many times before you start to believe its you not them.... After all, people who say they care, or cared once upon a time, never really follow through and actions speak louder than words.... things are easy to say but so much harder to stick to!
We all get lonely days get stuck in a phase
I can see the sun is shining bright right on through the haze
I complain to say is this really my life
Now that I'm over you, and I'm sober too
I can finally feel alive
But I won't give you my heart, cause it don't break twice
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Old times & good times
It's typical, I have a week off and the sunshine that was around last week buggers off, so my feet have been frozen in the flip flops today.... I'm just starting to warm up now lol!
When the sun is out shining I'm stuck in the office having the shittiest time at work and not really being able to appreciate it. Luckily I did manage to eat out in the garden each night and enjoy the end of day rays so it didn't all go to waste!
To be fair I've had a really bad couple of weeks, munch and his leg started it all off, then there has been all crap at work, where it got so bad I had to have a word with my manager to tell him if I don't get help soon I will drop a big clanger somewhere.... and then to top it all off I have managed to pretty much rip my toe nail off my big toe (ouch)!! I guess these are the times when I have missed having the bloke to chat to as he was always the one that gave me some perspective on these crappy weeks, but he's moved to Wales now and I guess would be too busy to listen....
There have been a few highlights too, so it's not all been doom and gloom.... Had friend over Tuesday for food so was good to catch up with her properly as not done that for a while, and the impromptu BBQ I had was a real good laugh, even though I think we all got eaten by the midges in the garden..... and of course Toblerone is back now so then fun in the boardroom has continued this week.... kind of missed the playing and flirting with him lol!
Got a week off now and have been back visiting the family and friends the last couple of days. I've managed to avoid spending too much time parents which is always a bonus! What has been nice is I have managed to catch up with a couple of people from school that I've not seen since I was 16. They've changed in so many ways from when we was there, and in some ways they haven't changed a bit and it was like being back at that age again. It's been really nice to be able to sit and chat and see where life has taken us.
Also met up with JJB tonight.... now that one might be worth watching? Guess it depends on distance?
When the sun is out shining I'm stuck in the office having the shittiest time at work and not really being able to appreciate it. Luckily I did manage to eat out in the garden each night and enjoy the end of day rays so it didn't all go to waste!
To be fair I've had a really bad couple of weeks, munch and his leg started it all off, then there has been all crap at work, where it got so bad I had to have a word with my manager to tell him if I don't get help soon I will drop a big clanger somewhere.... and then to top it all off I have managed to pretty much rip my toe nail off my big toe (ouch)!! I guess these are the times when I have missed having the bloke to chat to as he was always the one that gave me some perspective on these crappy weeks, but he's moved to Wales now and I guess would be too busy to listen....
There have been a few highlights too, so it's not all been doom and gloom.... Had friend over Tuesday for food so was good to catch up with her properly as not done that for a while, and the impromptu BBQ I had was a real good laugh, even though I think we all got eaten by the midges in the garden..... and of course Toblerone is back now so then fun in the boardroom has continued this week.... kind of missed the playing and flirting with him lol!
Got a week off now and have been back visiting the family and friends the last couple of days. I've managed to avoid spending too much time parents which is always a bonus! What has been nice is I have managed to catch up with a couple of people from school that I've not seen since I was 16. They've changed in so many ways from when we was there, and in some ways they haven't changed a bit and it was like being back at that age again. It's been really nice to be able to sit and chat and see where life has taken us.
Also met up with JJB tonight.... now that one might be worth watching? Guess it depends on distance?
Friday, 20 July 2012
Glad that ones done!
Another week done, and it's been a hell of a week!
Think having munch having his accident on Monday morning just set the whole thing up and it only kept going lower as the week went on....
Took munch to the nurse today to get his leg re-dressed. It seems to be healing nicely, just a small whole left in his leg now, waiting for that to scab over as well. I have learnt this week the art of faking un-squemishness. I can do small cuts and nose bleeds, but when it comes to gaping wounds and vomit I'm really not that good, yet as its just me around I get the fun job :0/
It was his last day at school today as well, my baby has left primary school and when they go back in September, he's going to be in big school! Makes me feel so old!!
Oh well out this weekend again so I can try and forget the bad week and chill. The bloke should be coming round tomorrow to say goodbye before he moves.... which in itself is quite sad as I'll miss having him around, and I know munch will as well.... don't think he realises that? He's going to be too busy changing nappies and seeing sheep! Wonder if he's brought his wellies already to stop them running away?! lol
One week left at work and then I have a week off.... oh and Toblerone's back in the office so that could be fun ;0)
Think having munch having his accident on Monday morning just set the whole thing up and it only kept going lower as the week went on....
Took munch to the nurse today to get his leg re-dressed. It seems to be healing nicely, just a small whole left in his leg now, waiting for that to scab over as well. I have learnt this week the art of faking un-squemishness. I can do small cuts and nose bleeds, but when it comes to gaping wounds and vomit I'm really not that good, yet as its just me around I get the fun job :0/
It was his last day at school today as well, my baby has left primary school and when they go back in September, he's going to be in big school! Makes me feel so old!!
Oh well out this weekend again so I can try and forget the bad week and chill. The bloke should be coming round tomorrow to say goodbye before he moves.... which in itself is quite sad as I'll miss having him around, and I know munch will as well.... don't think he realises that? He's going to be too busy changing nappies and seeing sheep! Wonder if he's brought his wellies already to stop them running away?! lol
One week left at work and then I have a week off.... oh and Toblerone's back in the office so that could be fun ;0)
Tuesday, 17 July 2012
Broken Bird
I feel completely and utterly broken at the moment, this week is just terrible!
Yesterday I had barely turned my laptop on at work when i got a phone call from the school to say munch had had an accident and he may need to go to hospital for stitches.... So I spent all morning being bounced around the NHS trying to sort out my poor baby! He's taken a huge chunk of flesh out of his shin and we ended up spending four hours in various medical facilities to get bounced from one place to another!
In the end we still landed in A&E where they looked at it, x-rayed it and said they couldn't stitch it as there was no flesh left there TO stitch!! Then I went back to work into the middle of the shit storm, only for it to continue today.
I cried in the car yesterday on the way to pick munch up from his prom, just because I'd spent the last six hours worried about him as he'd been in pain, and today I think I can honestly say I've never been so mad! It got to me so much today I burst into tears in the car on the way home again... and no job is worth that!
All I have wanted, more yesterday than today was to be able to come home to someone who could just hold me for a minute so I didn't worry and tell me it's all ok, but I haven't got that as I am the one who has to strong... and this week I have felt far from it, I'm just broken and not sure how I am going to get through this week?
I'm not as strong as people think and soon I am just going to break completely, not that anyone actually cares, and why should they? I'm no good for anything or anyone these days!
Yesterday I had barely turned my laptop on at work when i got a phone call from the school to say munch had had an accident and he may need to go to hospital for stitches.... So I spent all morning being bounced around the NHS trying to sort out my poor baby! He's taken a huge chunk of flesh out of his shin and we ended up spending four hours in various medical facilities to get bounced from one place to another!
In the end we still landed in A&E where they looked at it, x-rayed it and said they couldn't stitch it as there was no flesh left there TO stitch!! Then I went back to work into the middle of the shit storm, only for it to continue today.
I cried in the car yesterday on the way to pick munch up from his prom, just because I'd spent the last six hours worried about him as he'd been in pain, and today I think I can honestly say I've never been so mad! It got to me so much today I burst into tears in the car on the way home again... and no job is worth that!
All I have wanted, more yesterday than today was to be able to come home to someone who could just hold me for a minute so I didn't worry and tell me it's all ok, but I haven't got that as I am the one who has to strong... and this week I have felt far from it, I'm just broken and not sure how I am going to get through this week?
I'm not as strong as people think and soon I am just going to break completely, not that anyone actually cares, and why should they? I'm no good for anything or anyone these days!
Monday, 16 July 2012
I know something, you don't know....;0)
10/07.31/10.06/12.24/09
Well not been on here for a little bit, thought that if I started writing how I felt last week I might just end up upsetting myself so I kept myself distracted instead.... think it worked on the whole?
I did well saying good bye to munch last Monday, no tears to embarrass him as he left on his school trip! I feel really bad for saying that in someways I enjoyed having a week to do what I wanted when I wanted as he wasn't here, doing things that most people take for granted.... but even though I enjoyed it I spent the whole week with this little niggle at the back of my head, a small sense of dread in case something happened to him, or he got upset...
I'm not under any illusions as I had purposely arranged to do something each night so I didn't have time to think about missing him, I know that if that was my normal life I wouldn't be going out like that every day!
Had date night out with backseat Betsy on Monday, where we ended up going and having drinks with the program manager and lead architect.... that was a random night, especially as neither of us two was actually drinking alcohol lol!
Tuesday night was a bit of a naughty one for a school night.... chinese and 4 bottles of wine with Maddy. I crashed at hers so I could have a few drinks but didn't think it would be a few bottles!!
Wednesday was a girls night out to Frankie & Benny's and then on to see Magic Mike.... OMG i need to find me a man like that! He can move those hips and he is h.o.t!! Shame normal men don't look like that, either that or I'm obviously not looking in the right places?!
I just get men that like to send me picture of their ding-a-ling.... and in most cases if they were that size I wouldn't be broadcasting it, plus on the whole they aren't pretty things! Have NO idea what it is about blokes taking pictures of their bits, I haven't even hinted I want these pictures, they just get sent!
Thursday was the only day I didn't have anything arranged, but I got back from work that night to a postcard from munch.... I think by then I was ready for him to come home, I missed him being here, and I've had too many people who mean something to me not around lately.
Went out last night to, bumped into the King, and Maddy tried to set me up friend... think he got the message I wasn't interested after following us round for half an hour! A few of us went out and danced till 3:30 this morning, it was a good night and just what i needed, although I have some random foot injuries this morning.... gutted that i missed Mikes text though when he finished work, could have finished the night off quite well if I'd have seen that!
The bloke was round this afternoon collecting the rest of his things, just a few bits of furniture he needs to pick up now. He's moving next week.... and I guess I'm just a bit sad that he's not going to be around as I'll miss him, and I know munch will miss him too.... Hopefully it all works out for him, he's in a new place where he doesn't know many people and doesn't have the history there that he had when we got together, and he doesn't have to deal with not feeling part of her history as her son isn't that old, so maybe he will get the family he craves there that he didn't feel he had here? I just hope he doesn't cut people out and that he stays in touch as I really don't want to lose him as a friend, and i think i will.... men are historically crap as a species for making an effort and staying in touch, and if I keep being the one to get in touch with him it will just seem like it's something it isn't...
The one thing I got told when I moved that far away from home, no matter how far you go and what you do, always remember that your home is still your home and there's no shame going back to where you started from, as it's better to realise when things aren't working and go back to somewhere that you was once happy, than to put up with something that doesn't work any longer and be unhappy fearing people would see it as a sign your admitting defeat..... I've thought about me going back home a few times over the last few years and if it had been just me I might have, but I just couldn't bring myself to up root munch for my own selfish reason.... So many of my friends that had left Birmingham have all gone back there now it seems!
Oh well busy week ahead at work, hope I get to see the bloke before he disappears (hopefully not out my life for good though), have another Saturday night out already in the calendar as munch is with his dad again next weekend, I have one date already pencilled in for Saturday, and Toblerone is back in the office the following week so the fun can start again ;0)
As for the numbers at the top of this page..... well that's for me to know and you to find out haha!
Well not been on here for a little bit, thought that if I started writing how I felt last week I might just end up upsetting myself so I kept myself distracted instead.... think it worked on the whole?
I did well saying good bye to munch last Monday, no tears to embarrass him as he left on his school trip! I feel really bad for saying that in someways I enjoyed having a week to do what I wanted when I wanted as he wasn't here, doing things that most people take for granted.... but even though I enjoyed it I spent the whole week with this little niggle at the back of my head, a small sense of dread in case something happened to him, or he got upset...
I'm not under any illusions as I had purposely arranged to do something each night so I didn't have time to think about missing him, I know that if that was my normal life I wouldn't be going out like that every day!
Had date night out with backseat Betsy on Monday, where we ended up going and having drinks with the program manager and lead architect.... that was a random night, especially as neither of us two was actually drinking alcohol lol!
Tuesday night was a bit of a naughty one for a school night.... chinese and 4 bottles of wine with Maddy. I crashed at hers so I could have a few drinks but didn't think it would be a few bottles!!
Wednesday was a girls night out to Frankie & Benny's and then on to see Magic Mike.... OMG i need to find me a man like that! He can move those hips and he is h.o.t!! Shame normal men don't look like that, either that or I'm obviously not looking in the right places?!
I just get men that like to send me picture of their ding-a-ling.... and in most cases if they were that size I wouldn't be broadcasting it, plus on the whole they aren't pretty things! Have NO idea what it is about blokes taking pictures of their bits, I haven't even hinted I want these pictures, they just get sent!
Thursday was the only day I didn't have anything arranged, but I got back from work that night to a postcard from munch.... I think by then I was ready for him to come home, I missed him being here, and I've had too many people who mean something to me not around lately.
Went out last night to, bumped into the King, and Maddy tried to set me up friend... think he got the message I wasn't interested after following us round for half an hour! A few of us went out and danced till 3:30 this morning, it was a good night and just what i needed, although I have some random foot injuries this morning.... gutted that i missed Mikes text though when he finished work, could have finished the night off quite well if I'd have seen that!
The bloke was round this afternoon collecting the rest of his things, just a few bits of furniture he needs to pick up now. He's moving next week.... and I guess I'm just a bit sad that he's not going to be around as I'll miss him, and I know munch will miss him too.... Hopefully it all works out for him, he's in a new place where he doesn't know many people and doesn't have the history there that he had when we got together, and he doesn't have to deal with not feeling part of her history as her son isn't that old, so maybe he will get the family he craves there that he didn't feel he had here? I just hope he doesn't cut people out and that he stays in touch as I really don't want to lose him as a friend, and i think i will.... men are historically crap as a species for making an effort and staying in touch, and if I keep being the one to get in touch with him it will just seem like it's something it isn't...
The one thing I got told when I moved that far away from home, no matter how far you go and what you do, always remember that your home is still your home and there's no shame going back to where you started from, as it's better to realise when things aren't working and go back to somewhere that you was once happy, than to put up with something that doesn't work any longer and be unhappy fearing people would see it as a sign your admitting defeat..... I've thought about me going back home a few times over the last few years and if it had been just me I might have, but I just couldn't bring myself to up root munch for my own selfish reason.... So many of my friends that had left Birmingham have all gone back there now it seems!
Oh well busy week ahead at work, hope I get to see the bloke before he disappears (hopefully not out my life for good though), have another Saturday night out already in the calendar as munch is with his dad again next weekend, I have one date already pencilled in for Saturday, and Toblerone is back in the office the following week so the fun can start again ;0)
As for the numbers at the top of this page..... well that's for me to know and you to find out haha!
Sunday, 8 July 2012
Funny five....
Think I've been having my funny five minutes today!
I knew it was due to happen, but it struck me today as I was tucking the munch up that this is the last night till Friday that I'm going to to that as he's away on his school trip from tomorrow.... and I guess it just got to me as i sat here for five minutes sobbing.... stupid hey?!
As I said I knew this was happening and so I have sorted out most evenings this week so I'm not just sat at home by myself moping, but I have had my funny five minutes today!! Many people will think I'm being stupid for even getting upset about this, and think instead I should be looking forward to a few day of care free fun, and I am looking forward to being able to do what everyone else does without thinking, but at the same time I know that deep down in my heart that there will be something I can't settle till he's back with me and safe. Not having any contact with your child for days on end is not natural.... if you do it through choice then that's one thing, but having to deal with it because that's whats imposed is another.... and this is something that's imposed!!
I think in general I'm just in a pensive mood this weekend. With munch being away it is playing a big part in it.... and the other thing is the bloke has been moving his stuff out this weekend. That's not unexpected and that's not the problem.... I think it's the little flashbacks I've had to when he was moving in that's been unexpected. Little things like remembering how excited I was to see his stuff turning up, remembering going to his flat to collect it and filling the lift to move it here.... making the wardrobe up..... And now he's got that with his new gf....?!
I do hope that he's happy there.
I know he's excited about it at the moment, and maybe she's the one that will make his heart skip that proverbial beat every time he sees her for the rest of his life? That is what he is looking for.... whether that actually exists I guess I don't know yet? I guess with her it's one way he can become family with his best friend for real? And as I talked to a friend about her Mr M, with kids there is the added complication of not feeling the same when there is some history that's not shared.... he doesn't have to worry about that with hers as it was with munch as there is the age.... young enough that there isn't much history really!
I guess I don't know if he ever really cared about me like that, but at least moving so far away he escapes the ghost of the of the one person he never could here as he worked with her, and saw here every day, and I don't think that ever helped us! By doing that maybe the darker moods he had here his new gf won't end up seeing? I accepted it as part of him, and I knew when he wasn't completely happy within himself..... just for what ever reason, he never talked about it properly to me, even though he could of it he wanted.... that may have been a combination of couldn't and wouldn't though...?
This weekend has been good though as at least we have caught up, and grabbing food after trying to pack and move stuff on Saturday was good, we was laughing and joking and messing around like we used to, and given how I feel with munch going, that was actually quite comforting.... not sure if he feels completely comfortable round me though, or whether his new gf has said anything?
It's not like I'm going to jump him, even he spent the night here to watch a film and have a drink... lol I have toblerone for that at the moment..... I have him right where I want, given the VERY obvious response our Friday 'de-brief' at work ;0)
I've just been in a bit of a melancholy mood today and thinking about next week without the munchkin, and missing the company of the people I'm comfortable with... and seeing how much even munch has missed having the bloke round.
Oh well, I'll see munch off tomorrow morning, we'll see if his dad turns up! And then I have date night with Betsy to look forward to.... we're going out for food and then a pub/club, make the most of the free time!
Tuesday and Wednesday are already booked up, just need to find something to do on Thursday now! It is just a real shame that toblerone isn't around as I could have had a whole load of more fun, and that would have been far more kinkier haha!!
I knew it was due to happen, but it struck me today as I was tucking the munch up that this is the last night till Friday that I'm going to to that as he's away on his school trip from tomorrow.... and I guess it just got to me as i sat here for five minutes sobbing.... stupid hey?!
As I said I knew this was happening and so I have sorted out most evenings this week so I'm not just sat at home by myself moping, but I have had my funny five minutes today!! Many people will think I'm being stupid for even getting upset about this, and think instead I should be looking forward to a few day of care free fun, and I am looking forward to being able to do what everyone else does without thinking, but at the same time I know that deep down in my heart that there will be something I can't settle till he's back with me and safe. Not having any contact with your child for days on end is not natural.... if you do it through choice then that's one thing, but having to deal with it because that's whats imposed is another.... and this is something that's imposed!!
I think in general I'm just in a pensive mood this weekend. With munch being away it is playing a big part in it.... and the other thing is the bloke has been moving his stuff out this weekend. That's not unexpected and that's not the problem.... I think it's the little flashbacks I've had to when he was moving in that's been unexpected. Little things like remembering how excited I was to see his stuff turning up, remembering going to his flat to collect it and filling the lift to move it here.... making the wardrobe up..... And now he's got that with his new gf....?!
I do hope that he's happy there.
I know he's excited about it at the moment, and maybe she's the one that will make his heart skip that proverbial beat every time he sees her for the rest of his life? That is what he is looking for.... whether that actually exists I guess I don't know yet? I guess with her it's one way he can become family with his best friend for real? And as I talked to a friend about her Mr M, with kids there is the added complication of not feeling the same when there is some history that's not shared.... he doesn't have to worry about that with hers as it was with munch as there is the age.... young enough that there isn't much history really!
I guess I don't know if he ever really cared about me like that, but at least moving so far away he escapes the ghost of the of the one person he never could here as he worked with her, and saw here every day, and I don't think that ever helped us! By doing that maybe the darker moods he had here his new gf won't end up seeing? I accepted it as part of him, and I knew when he wasn't completely happy within himself..... just for what ever reason, he never talked about it properly to me, even though he could of it he wanted.... that may have been a combination of couldn't and wouldn't though...?
This weekend has been good though as at least we have caught up, and grabbing food after trying to pack and move stuff on Saturday was good, we was laughing and joking and messing around like we used to, and given how I feel with munch going, that was actually quite comforting.... not sure if he feels completely comfortable round me though, or whether his new gf has said anything?
It's not like I'm going to jump him, even he spent the night here to watch a film and have a drink... lol I have toblerone for that at the moment..... I have him right where I want, given the VERY obvious response our Friday 'de-brief' at work ;0)
I've just been in a bit of a melancholy mood today and thinking about next week without the munchkin, and missing the company of the people I'm comfortable with... and seeing how much even munch has missed having the bloke round.
Oh well, I'll see munch off tomorrow morning, we'll see if his dad turns up! And then I have date night with Betsy to look forward to.... we're going out for food and then a pub/club, make the most of the free time!
Tuesday and Wednesday are already booked up, just need to find something to do on Thursday now! It is just a real shame that toblerone isn't around as I could have had a whole load of more fun, and that would have been far more kinkier haha!!
Saturday, 7 July 2012
Lazy Days
Been a bit of a lazy day..... went to visit my god daughter this morning as it's been a couple of months since I last went to see her!
The bloke then came round this afternoon to sort out the computer and grab some of his stuff.... we also grabbed a Chinese while he was here so now I have a such a full tum!
It was good to see him though and I think munch enjoyed having him here for a bit.... going by how he acted when he turned up.... I think munch was really excited to see him.... don't know if the bloke realizes this though?
Just hope he knows he can still come see us both and for him know it's not awkward... and that if he did want to stay over, to drink, chat and hang out that it's not like I'm going to jump him!! Unless the reason he doesn't want to is because his girlfriend has told him not too?
Mike has been texting tonight which could prove an interesting twist.... toblerone away for a week, and then there's Andy?
Round and round the wheel goes, where it lands no-one knows!
The bloke then came round this afternoon to sort out the computer and grab some of his stuff.... we also grabbed a Chinese while he was here so now I have a such a full tum!
It was good to see him though and I think munch enjoyed having him here for a bit.... going by how he acted when he turned up.... I think munch was really excited to see him.... don't know if the bloke realizes this though?
Just hope he knows he can still come see us both and for him know it's not awkward... and that if he did want to stay over, to drink, chat and hang out that it's not like I'm going to jump him!! Unless the reason he doesn't want to is because his girlfriend has told him not too?
Mike has been texting tonight which could prove an interesting twist.... toblerone away for a week, and then there's Andy?
Round and round the wheel goes, where it lands no-one knows!
Naughty!
Weekend is here and the afternoon at work has flown by..... yesterday's misuse of company resources continued today.... I did enjoy seeing him squirm at his desk, knowing that for a large part of the day he needed to stay sat down at his desk..... Oh and i doubt that meeting room had that kind of 'meeting' held in it before!
Shame he's on holiday now for 2 weeks as the fun was just beginning ;0)
Don't normally mix business and pleasure but they do say rules were made to be broken!!
Thursday, 5 July 2012
don't get caught!
So tired today.... glad tomorrow is Friday, although waking up Tuesday thinking it was Wednesday hasn't helped this week lol! Don't you just hate it when that happens?!
Craziness and chaos has been the menu this week.... it's weeks like this I miss having the bloke around to talk to... Andy is still texting but it's not the same with him in that was as he doesn't know me like that. Sometimes all you want is someone to listen and give you a bit of perspective on things, and someone who has only know you a month or so can't do that, not really!
Also I think I know that next week munch isn't around, not just for the one night, but for the whole week! It will be nice to catch up with people and I have a few things planned to keep me busy, but it doesn't help that I'm still going to miss him. Its hard to explain to people as they just assume having the freedom is nice, but imagine having something in your like for 11/12 years then it just goes. Would you miss your arm if you lost it for the week? It's a similar feeling for me if i'm honest when munch goes on these school trips....
Munch also had his introduction day at big school... his dad didn't come to the parents evening there as he 'had other things to do'. I do wonder if this is the start of the down slide? He's started to be awkward about a few dates when he's supposed to have munch, and is arguing the toss over dates we have already agreed . Honestly it is 26 nights a year he has hi out of 365, and he still can't get those few right!! sometimes just want to throw my hands in the air and wonder why I even bother \o/?!?
Well even after a busy week I certainly managed to get a smile put on my face today ;0)
Not sure what we was up to though would count as a mis-use of company property.... oh well what they don't know won't hurt them.
Craziness and chaos has been the menu this week.... it's weeks like this I miss having the bloke around to talk to... Andy is still texting but it's not the same with him in that was as he doesn't know me like that. Sometimes all you want is someone to listen and give you a bit of perspective on things, and someone who has only know you a month or so can't do that, not really!
Also I think I know that next week munch isn't around, not just for the one night, but for the whole week! It will be nice to catch up with people and I have a few things planned to keep me busy, but it doesn't help that I'm still going to miss him. Its hard to explain to people as they just assume having the freedom is nice, but imagine having something in your like for 11/12 years then it just goes. Would you miss your arm if you lost it for the week? It's a similar feeling for me if i'm honest when munch goes on these school trips....
Munch also had his introduction day at big school... his dad didn't come to the parents evening there as he 'had other things to do'. I do wonder if this is the start of the down slide? He's started to be awkward about a few dates when he's supposed to have munch, and is arguing the toss over dates we have already agreed . Honestly it is 26 nights a year he has hi out of 365, and he still can't get those few right!! sometimes just want to throw my hands in the air and wonder why I even bother \o/?!?
Well even after a busy week I certainly managed to get a smile put on my face today ;0)
Not sure what we was up to though would count as a mis-use of company property.... oh well what they don't know won't hurt them.
Tuesday, 3 July 2012
poop
Poop'ed! Already... and it's only Monday....
Really fed up today. Been a long day at work and the weather is just shocking at the moment which doesn't help the general mood! Plus I started to set fire the my over this evening and I was only cooking sausages :0(
Weekend was good, Andy came over this weekend and we was out for Zoe's and Roz's birthday celebrations. I couldn't go to the clay pigeon shooting because I had munch, but looking at the injuries people had maybe that was a good thing?!
Now think I am going to see if Mr Grey can save the evening?
Really fed up today. Been a long day at work and the weather is just shocking at the moment which doesn't help the general mood! Plus I started to set fire the my over this evening and I was only cooking sausages :0(
Weekend was good, Andy came over this weekend and we was out for Zoe's and Roz's birthday celebrations. I couldn't go to the clay pigeon shooting because I had munch, but looking at the injuries people had maybe that was a good thing?!
Now think I am going to see if Mr Grey can save the evening?
Friday, 29 June 2012
One more day!
Can you feel it? The weekend is almost here!
I swear this week has been stretched out! Mainly because at work the bits we've been testing for the last few weeks has been coming to the point where things needs to be signed off, and everyone is doing the usual headless chicken routine, but I guess having this weekend to look forward to has also made the time seem to drag!
I don't think my phone has been used so much as it has this week.... starting to burn my ear on it lol! Well get to see him Saturday, see how things go..... So far its looking promising, we're getting on great, quite happy to take the piss out of each other and the like!
We're out Saturday night for my friends birthday..... Meet in one of the bars in town then move onto a club where she's reserved the VIP area, which is great as it means we'll have somewhere to rest the aching feet....I think it's all lining up to be a tip-top weekend overall!
Few other strange bits have been going on as well with a couple of people at work.... some of it I'm trying to figure out if the little old female intuition is twitching or if I'm reading the situation wrong? Easy to assume one thing I guess so not jumping to any conclusion!!
Had to put on of the blokes friends back in box as well yesterday. It's one thing saying hi, and asking how things are going, but when he said he was more a man of action rather than words, and asked me what action I was after...... :0/
Told him I'd let his girlfriend deal with that type of action , he actually asked me if I would want to mess with him if he was single!? I feel sorry for his girlfriend as she deserves better than that.... and I told him that no i wasn't interested, even if he was single!!
Some people call themselves friends but they have a strange concept of what that means!!
I have some friends which only ever get in touch when they want something, and have never made the effort to travel down from Birmingham to visit, over the last few years I've learnt to accept that really, they're more acquaintances now than friends.
And there are the friends that you got on fabulously with and you both understand each other, but for some reason (usually the influence of someone else) they stop a lot of the contact all of a sudden. Maybe they do it out of guilt or awkwardness towards me? Or out of guilt because someone views it different to what it really is?
I came across a quote - "Best friends are people you know you don't have to talk to every single day, but when you do its as if you didn't ever stop talking"
I try to tell Munch to enjoy the friends he has now, as although you get told this as a kid you never believe it, but you never have as many friends as you did when you was at school.
It takes effort from people on both sides when you are grown up, and the enduring friendships are the ones you have worked at..... True friends are hard to find so never give them up for anyone, no man/woman/child.dog!
I swear this week has been stretched out! Mainly because at work the bits we've been testing for the last few weeks has been coming to the point where things needs to be signed off, and everyone is doing the usual headless chicken routine, but I guess having this weekend to look forward to has also made the time seem to drag!
I don't think my phone has been used so much as it has this week.... starting to burn my ear on it lol! Well get to see him Saturday, see how things go..... So far its looking promising, we're getting on great, quite happy to take the piss out of each other and the like!
We're out Saturday night for my friends birthday..... Meet in one of the bars in town then move onto a club where she's reserved the VIP area, which is great as it means we'll have somewhere to rest the aching feet....I think it's all lining up to be a tip-top weekend overall!
Few other strange bits have been going on as well with a couple of people at work.... some of it I'm trying to figure out if the little old female intuition is twitching or if I'm reading the situation wrong? Easy to assume one thing I guess so not jumping to any conclusion!!
Had to put on of the blokes friends back in box as well yesterday. It's one thing saying hi, and asking how things are going, but when he said he was more a man of action rather than words, and asked me what action I was after...... :0/
Told him I'd let his girlfriend deal with that type of action , he actually asked me if I would want to mess with him if he was single!? I feel sorry for his girlfriend as she deserves better than that.... and I told him that no i wasn't interested, even if he was single!!
Some people call themselves friends but they have a strange concept of what that means!!
I have some friends which only ever get in touch when they want something, and have never made the effort to travel down from Birmingham to visit, over the last few years I've learnt to accept that really, they're more acquaintances now than friends.
And there are the friends that you got on fabulously with and you both understand each other, but for some reason (usually the influence of someone else) they stop a lot of the contact all of a sudden. Maybe they do it out of guilt or awkwardness towards me? Or out of guilt because someone views it different to what it really is?
I came across a quote - "Best friends are people you know you don't have to talk to every single day, but when you do its as if you didn't ever stop talking"
I try to tell Munch to enjoy the friends he has now, as although you get told this as a kid you never believe it, but you never have as many friends as you did when you was at school.
It takes effort from people on both sides when you are grown up, and the enduring friendships are the ones you have worked at..... True friends are hard to find so never give them up for anyone, no man/woman/child.dog!
Tuesday, 26 June 2012
Haunted
It's amazing how sometimes you can be skipping your way through the day quite merrily, then one thing, one random thing, happens and you have an old memory resurface and hit you like a tonne of bricks, completely knocking you off your stride.....
Had one of those yesterday and all I was doing was just reading a book! Nothing related to what had happened to me but in a nano second there was that feeling and it transported me back, making me feel like absolute shit if I'm honest!
The feeling that I got just took me back to that moment, stood at my front door as I closed it having said good bye to the munch as he went to spend Xmas eve and Xmas day with his dad.
There have been very few times in my life when I have felt that way, I think I may have actually felt my heart break a little, I'm surprised no one heard the crack! I think I'd have fell to the floor there and then if the bloke hadn't been there to hold me up!
It's those moments that defines who you're friends are, as friends are the ones that hold you up when you can't hold yourself up.
I don't know what I would have done that Xmas if he hadn't been there with me when munch left, or Mcscholes hadn't offered to have me join their Xmas eve tradition and go out with them, offering me a place to stay that night so I didn't wake up Xmas day alone!
Luckily these flashed only happen occasionally, but they act as a reminder that no matter how wounds heal, there are always scars left behind....
Monday, 25 June 2012
50 Shades of Me
My my my, how things can change over the space of a few weeks.... And I'm not saying it's a bad thing at all!
Everything in my head is still a bit topsy turvy but to be honest, I think that is how I always am and how I will always be!
I have learnt that I am a mixture of things.... I am open with people, yet I'm closed off, I trust far more than I should, yet I don't trust at all.... and above all I am probably far too honest when other people struggle with hearing it, as they can't be honest with themselves yet alone other people?! I know who I am, what I feel about things, what my good points are and what my bad points are.... I can't see any of that changing but I also can't control it either.
So many things going on at the moment, both at work and at home. Trying to put the feelers out for new jobs at the moment as things aren't going too well where I am, nothing I'm doing wrong but just usual commercial politics, and to be honest I think I've had almost all I can stand of it.... Maybe it is time to move on?
I contacted my old boss as I know they have roles going where he is, and I always have the option of contracting as a last resort, but I think the scariest things is jumping out of something that suits my life at the moment into something which means I need to travel further..... that might happen anyway if we lose the account we're on at the moment anyway, but is that a reason not to? I think the part that scares me the most is having to rely on the knobhead to do more for munch without holding it over me. I absolutely HATE the fact he can have any power or influence in my life..... and he forgets how easy he has it now.... he assumes that this is the standard and so any more he has to give he makes me pay.... it exhausts me completely sometimes, so much more than anyone ever gets, as it is always that part hanging over you, a gnawing worry that there is no-one I can rely on in this world but knowing I have someone relying on me.... Guess I just need to decide what to do? Stay or go, then work out the details from there?
On the good side, the text I had this morning that made me smile completely, as I haven't had one like that in a long while and it was a nice feeling to have:0)
Hopefully they continue as men are great at doing things like that at the start but somewhere along the line they forget, or just don't think they have to make that type of effort anymore? I used to have them before, and I don't think the sender had ever realised how good they made me feel, I just don't know exactly when things there changed that meant they stopped?
I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend now though. I'm not expecting anything yet as its early stages and I'm not rushing into anything but he's already said that he knows if we were to work out it would mean him moving here, and I think from the conversation last night he'd quite look forward to that, not just because of us, but for the change of scenery and the opportunities it would mean for him.....
The bloke also called today. Hoping that we can catch up this week too. It was odd as talking to him was comfortable and normal, think I've missed some of that over the last couple of weeks with everything going on, as he's always been able to give me a balanced view of whats going on. I hope he's found what he needs with this new gf.
This rest of this weekend has been pretty quiet and chilled as I had the munch. Took him to the new Sea Museum which opened in town, mainly because we had tickets to get in free, but its always worth going to these things at least once even when they're on your own doorstep. It was ok, we mucked about taking pictures of us dressing up in the victorian clothes, and most importantly he seemed to enjoy it.
It'll be weird in a few weeks when he's gone for the week and I can't speak to him, because as much as he can annoy me sometimes I miss the noise and distraction when he's gone. Last year the bloke was around, but this year I'm going to be totally alone..... Have arranged to stay at a friends one night that week so I can go pub mid week (for a change), and Betsy is back from Cape Town so we can have date night.
The other thing that has kept me amused this weekend is Mr Grey.... Started reading the '50 shades of Grey' books as wanted to see what all the hype was about..... erm interesting! It's kind of a cross between Judy Blume, Mills & Boon and a S&M manual, with characters that brood like the Twilight characters.... some of the bits are actually pretty hot!! Lets just say this weekend there maybe some interesting side effects coming out if things go to plan.... and I don't think he's complaning!! Lol
Right, time to hit the hay so to speak..... get ready for another one of those weeks at work. Hopefully I won't have to dish out the level of bollockings I did last week as I have never had to go to that level of telling off before. And monday I have a meeting with the offshore boss and my boss about.... what a way to start the week!?!
Night y'all, don't have too many saucy dreams xx mwah xx
Everything in my head is still a bit topsy turvy but to be honest, I think that is how I always am and how I will always be!
I have learnt that I am a mixture of things.... I am open with people, yet I'm closed off, I trust far more than I should, yet I don't trust at all.... and above all I am probably far too honest when other people struggle with hearing it, as they can't be honest with themselves yet alone other people?! I know who I am, what I feel about things, what my good points are and what my bad points are.... I can't see any of that changing but I also can't control it either.
So many things going on at the moment, both at work and at home. Trying to put the feelers out for new jobs at the moment as things aren't going too well where I am, nothing I'm doing wrong but just usual commercial politics, and to be honest I think I've had almost all I can stand of it.... Maybe it is time to move on?
I contacted my old boss as I know they have roles going where he is, and I always have the option of contracting as a last resort, but I think the scariest things is jumping out of something that suits my life at the moment into something which means I need to travel further..... that might happen anyway if we lose the account we're on at the moment anyway, but is that a reason not to? I think the part that scares me the most is having to rely on the knobhead to do more for munch without holding it over me. I absolutely HATE the fact he can have any power or influence in my life..... and he forgets how easy he has it now.... he assumes that this is the standard and so any more he has to give he makes me pay.... it exhausts me completely sometimes, so much more than anyone ever gets, as it is always that part hanging over you, a gnawing worry that there is no-one I can rely on in this world but knowing I have someone relying on me.... Guess I just need to decide what to do? Stay or go, then work out the details from there?
On the good side, the text I had this morning that made me smile completely, as I haven't had one like that in a long while and it was a nice feeling to have:0)
Hopefully they continue as men are great at doing things like that at the start but somewhere along the line they forget, or just don't think they have to make that type of effort anymore? I used to have them before, and I don't think the sender had ever realised how good they made me feel, I just don't know exactly when things there changed that meant they stopped?
I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend now though. I'm not expecting anything yet as its early stages and I'm not rushing into anything but he's already said that he knows if we were to work out it would mean him moving here, and I think from the conversation last night he'd quite look forward to that, not just because of us, but for the change of scenery and the opportunities it would mean for him.....
The bloke also called today. Hoping that we can catch up this week too. It was odd as talking to him was comfortable and normal, think I've missed some of that over the last couple of weeks with everything going on, as he's always been able to give me a balanced view of whats going on. I hope he's found what he needs with this new gf.
This rest of this weekend has been pretty quiet and chilled as I had the munch. Took him to the new Sea Museum which opened in town, mainly because we had tickets to get in free, but its always worth going to these things at least once even when they're on your own doorstep. It was ok, we mucked about taking pictures of us dressing up in the victorian clothes, and most importantly he seemed to enjoy it.
It'll be weird in a few weeks when he's gone for the week and I can't speak to him, because as much as he can annoy me sometimes I miss the noise and distraction when he's gone. Last year the bloke was around, but this year I'm going to be totally alone..... Have arranged to stay at a friends one night that week so I can go pub mid week (for a change), and Betsy is back from Cape Town so we can have date night.
The other thing that has kept me amused this weekend is Mr Grey.... Started reading the '50 shades of Grey' books as wanted to see what all the hype was about..... erm interesting! It's kind of a cross between Judy Blume, Mills & Boon and a S&M manual, with characters that brood like the Twilight characters.... some of the bits are actually pretty hot!! Lets just say this weekend there maybe some interesting side effects coming out if things go to plan.... and I don't think he's complaning!! Lol
Right, time to hit the hay so to speak..... get ready for another one of those weeks at work. Hopefully I won't have to dish out the level of bollockings I did last week as I have never had to go to that level of telling off before. And monday I have a meeting with the offshore boss and my boss about.... what a way to start the week!?!
Night y'all, don't have too many saucy dreams xx mwah xx
Wednesday, 20 June 2012
Whats in a name?
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sarah
Just as a random bit of fun after chatting to my friend tonight, I put my name into Urban Dictionary to see what would come out..... to be fair, I hope most of what was on there people see as true as I'd like to think that even with what crazy I might have, that I also posses the qualities in these statements as well, and that people really do see me in that way.... except for the bit about music and art! I accept that bit is probably a lie as i'm tone deaf and struggle with drawing stick men!!
The link is at the top if you are interested in reading more, or maybe try your name??
the most amazing girlfriend ever she's everything a guy could ever want. she's sweet she's funny she's beautiful, she's amazing and that's why i love her. she's like the sun, without it there's no point in life
A girl who is nice sweet and very attractive! she's one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet! Shes a sexy piece of ass and you won't be able to keep your hands off her! Don't ever let her go cause once shes gone she'll never be back. Shes very trustworthy and would do anything for her friends or family. People who don't like her are little ugly whores who are jealous losers!!
A cool girl, generally pretty, smart and funny. into expressing herself through music, art, and or acting. fun to be around, and even though she may not know it, shes loved by everyone. people who hate her, either hate her for something she did or hate her out of jealousy. Shes very romantic and a little bookish, but can also be sexy when she wants to. Usually very happy/positive, unless something emotionally or mentally crusing happens.
A very beautiful woman. Too beautiful for words. Shes absolutely stunning and perfect in every way. Her beauty will never be matched. Everything about her is beautiful. She has too many great features to name all at once, but her tummy is one of the cutest things in the world. At the same time, her hair is just gorgeous. Also, she has a cutest nose in the world. There are too many features to name. Shes very strong and independent. She will always have you smiling and keep you laughing. Shes just so silly. I don't know anyone that I care about more than her. Shes truly an original. I would fight for her. I would die for her. Shes my heart, my soul, my existence. Shes my everything. Shes me best friend in the entire world and I wouldn't rather anyone else to take her place. Shes the sweetest girl with a voice that could end a war with just one sentence. I tell her everything. Either good news or bad news, shes always there to support me. Shes knows everything about me and I know everything about her. All I want to do is make her happy. Even the image of her sad breaks my heart. Shes not the type of girl that you just pick up at a bar and bring home. She'll enchant you in every way possible. She'll leave imprints on your heart that will never go away. We've had too many wonderful memories to count. I never stop thinking about her. I love her. I love everything about her. Ive never been happier. There will never be another girl like her, trust me. Shes perfect.
a beautiful, intelligent, sexy, caring, amazing girl who can roll out of bed in the morning and still pull off perfect. her smile and personality brighten my day, regardless of how bad it's been before i see her. her eyes are the color of perfectly cut emeralds. they catch every ounce of light, not to mention your attention. they are as beautiful as the soul they mirror. her lips are the softest that you will ever have the pleasure of kissing. her kiss itself is amazingly sensual, yet packs the force of a fireworks display. every time our eyes meet my heart skips a beat and i lose my breath. there really are no words to describe someone so perfect in every way, but this is the best i could do.
Usually a loud, chatty girl who is full of wit. She is never selfish and thinks of others constantly. She is a beautiful and intelligent girl with hidden talents. She's fun to be around, and although she may not know it, everyone loves her personality. She is constantly happy and optimistic unless something emotionally or mentally crushing happens. She's a very romantic and her love means a lot. A very confident person and gives great advice. Sarah is a true friend
Just as a random bit of fun after chatting to my friend tonight, I put my name into Urban Dictionary to see what would come out..... to be fair, I hope most of what was on there people see as true as I'd like to think that even with what crazy I might have, that I also posses the qualities in these statements as well, and that people really do see me in that way.... except for the bit about music and art! I accept that bit is probably a lie as i'm tone deaf and struggle with drawing stick men!!
The link is at the top if you are interested in reading more, or maybe try your name??
the most amazing girlfriend ever she's everything a guy could ever want. she's sweet she's funny she's beautiful, she's amazing and that's why i love her. she's like the sun, without it there's no point in life
A girl who is nice sweet and very attractive! she's one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet! Shes a sexy piece of ass and you won't be able to keep your hands off her! Don't ever let her go cause once shes gone she'll never be back. Shes very trustworthy and would do anything for her friends or family. People who don't like her are little ugly whores who are jealous losers!!
A cool girl, generally pretty, smart and funny. into expressing herself through music, art, and or acting. fun to be around, and even though she may not know it, shes loved by everyone. people who hate her, either hate her for something she did or hate her out of jealousy. Shes very romantic and a little bookish, but can also be sexy when she wants to. Usually very happy/positive, unless something emotionally or mentally crusing happens.
A very beautiful woman. Too beautiful for words. Shes absolutely stunning and perfect in every way. Her beauty will never be matched. Everything about her is beautiful. She has too many great features to name all at once, but her tummy is one of the cutest things in the world. At the same time, her hair is just gorgeous. Also, she has a cutest nose in the world. There are too many features to name. Shes very strong and independent. She will always have you smiling and keep you laughing. Shes just so silly. I don't know anyone that I care about more than her. Shes truly an original. I would fight for her. I would die for her. Shes my heart, my soul, my existence. Shes my everything. Shes me best friend in the entire world and I wouldn't rather anyone else to take her place. Shes the sweetest girl with a voice that could end a war with just one sentence. I tell her everything. Either good news or bad news, shes always there to support me. Shes knows everything about me and I know everything about her. All I want to do is make her happy. Even the image of her sad breaks my heart. Shes not the type of girl that you just pick up at a bar and bring home. She'll enchant you in every way possible. She'll leave imprints on your heart that will never go away. We've had too many wonderful memories to count. I never stop thinking about her. I love her. I love everything about her. Ive never been happier. There will never be another girl like her, trust me. Shes perfect.
a beautiful, intelligent, sexy, caring, amazing girl who can roll out of bed in the morning and still pull off perfect. her smile and personality brighten my day, regardless of how bad it's been before i see her. her eyes are the color of perfectly cut emeralds. they catch every ounce of light, not to mention your attention. they are as beautiful as the soul they mirror. her lips are the softest that you will ever have the pleasure of kissing. her kiss itself is amazingly sensual, yet packs the force of a fireworks display. every time our eyes meet my heart skips a beat and i lose my breath. there really are no words to describe someone so perfect in every way, but this is the best i could do.
Usually a loud, chatty girl who is full of wit. She is never selfish and thinks of others constantly. She is a beautiful and intelligent girl with hidden talents. She's fun to be around, and although she may not know it, everyone loves her personality. She is constantly happy and optimistic unless something emotionally or mentally crushing happens. She's a very romantic and her love means a lot. A very confident person and gives great advice. Sarah is a true friend
Tuesday, 19 June 2012
Amazeballs indeedy
All I can say was that was a great weekend!!
The beginning of last week things were planned out then everything went tits up towards the middle of the week. Typical as it was my free weekend so I could go out.... However things ended up so much better than the original plan!!
Met up with Andy on Saturday afternoon and had a great time.... then went out with Helen on Saturday night up town. Haven't danced or laughed that much in ages and not been chatted up like that for a while either.....and in all three places we went too! Think my naughty streak came out to play most definitely that night ;0)
Met up with a friend in town for lunch and had a good girly gossip Sunday as thankfully no hangover!
Found out something interesting though as it looks like the blokes ex before me and her current bf have/was/are in the process of splitting up.... that could throw an interesting spanner in the works, as I was on about in the post the other day, this is 'the one' the bloke still has feelings for really, so wonder how he will feel when he finds out she's free? He's not bothered about me but does the same still hold true for her? I guess only time will tell as he likes them young, blond and welsh so it seems....
Tonight has really made me smile though.... spent hours catching up with Mark, as it's been a couple of years since we really spoke.... and he has the same stupid sense of humour as me. Don't think I've ever talked as much shit with someone that has made me smile.... and then the texts have been flying backwards and forwards tonight with Andy.... should be good when I see him next ;0) ;0)
Think I may lay off starting the '50 shades of grey' book though tonight after all that, not sure could handle it..... if the reviews of the book are right haha!!
The beginning of last week things were planned out then everything went tits up towards the middle of the week. Typical as it was my free weekend so I could go out.... However things ended up so much better than the original plan!!
Met up with Andy on Saturday afternoon and had a great time.... then went out with Helen on Saturday night up town. Haven't danced or laughed that much in ages and not been chatted up like that for a while either.....and in all three places we went too! Think my naughty streak came out to play most definitely that night ;0)
Met up with a friend in town for lunch and had a good girly gossip Sunday as thankfully no hangover!
Found out something interesting though as it looks like the blokes ex before me and her current bf have/was/are in the process of splitting up.... that could throw an interesting spanner in the works, as I was on about in the post the other day, this is 'the one' the bloke still has feelings for really, so wonder how he will feel when he finds out she's free? He's not bothered about me but does the same still hold true for her? I guess only time will tell as he likes them young, blond and welsh so it seems....
Tonight has really made me smile though.... spent hours catching up with Mark, as it's been a couple of years since we really spoke.... and he has the same stupid sense of humour as me. Don't think I've ever talked as much shit with someone that has made me smile.... and then the texts have been flying backwards and forwards tonight with Andy.... should be good when I see him next ;0) ;0)
Think I may lay off starting the '50 shades of grey' book though tonight after all that, not sure could handle it..... if the reviews of the book are right haha!!
Wednesday, 13 June 2012
Alive & Kicking
What can I say? This has most definitely been a weird few weeks....
I knew that some of what was going on would hit me one way or another, and the other stuff that has gone on I had a gut feeling would happen strangely enough?!
For the bits that I knew was going to happen..... I know it's been hard seeing all the wedding pictures pop up on my news feed showing munch with his dad and the bint playing happy families. I expected it, but it still hurts, not for the reasons people think, as none of it has anything to do with wanting him back, or wishing it was me instead of her.... she's welcome to him honestly as in the long run she's done me a favour.... good luck on that one actually going the distance though, plus there has been the small satisfaction on seeing even on the wedding day a dog still looked like a dog lol!
No, I think it has more to do with the fact that when you have kids you never plan on becoming part of a statistic, but here I am, and my son is now one of millions that have a step mom.... and that's such a horrible phrase! Only one person in his life has the right to have 'mom' anywhere in the title, and that's me! I'm sure I'll get over it like everyone else does but it's just a weird feeling to explain to people.
For the bits that I guessed would happen, I suppose if I'm honest I am a little sad about it, but I am OK surprisingly enough.... I'm certainly not sat here crying myself to sleep if that's what people assume?
There are so many things I could say.... but at the end of it all, I've never changed, but I know I can't change how other people feel either!?
I may love him to the moon and back, and I really do always want him in my life as he's a friend..... after that life is the universes decision!
I've learnt that in this lifetime you come across only a few people who ever truly understand you, sometimes maybe better than you understand yourself...... and those are the people you don't want to let disappear out your life as they are few and far between!!
Having someone to tell you off when you are talking crap, or to call your bluff and make you talk about the hard stuff because they know you are hiding from what you should be doing....that you know you can go and have the breakdown in front of because you are at your lowest point, and they don't judge or hold it against you or see it as any kind of weakness in you, make sure you keep them close and don't lose them as they really are few and far between!!
Things always end up coming down to what people want!
What they think they can find, what they think they want and whether people ever realise what's in front of their nose at the right time. Like most people I only usually ever see things with hindsight....
I guess for the odds were never in our favour when you add the fact that I had to finish off things with my past in order to be able to draw a clean line under it, having to deal with that on a daily basis mustn't have been easy.... luckily I have finally dealt with all that now!
Last month was the turning point in regards to the knob and I feel like I have control back and that is so liberating!
There was also things and people in his past that haunted him..... it was always there and he couldn't escape it, and I know that it was an issue, regardless of what was said, and as stupid as it might sound sometimes I think I probably got that even better than he did!
Plus, I wasn't his usual type.... Im not blonde and I'm a lot older than he ever normally went for (although I'm not sure I want to call myself old lol!)
I guess I just hope he finds what he's looking for and that he doesn't get taken for a ride because he's a decent person and I'd hate to think of that happening to him.
As for me I guess I'll just have to see...... Mike's back on the scene again, messaging me like before.... And then I guess I see what happens with Andy?! I'm just letting that one unfold however it might, I'm just aware that its not always plain sailing so to speak!!
This week is a busy one.... work is shit at the moment which hasn't helped with the last couple of weeks of stress, and I can't see an end to it for a couple of months yet which is crap!
Monday was date night with Betsy which is always good fun, especially as it's been a while since i last saw her, as she's now based in Cape Town more than the UK!
Next door is came round last night for a cheeky vimto or two, which meant this morning was a little hard going because as usual we never stop at the one vimto lol!
Hopefully sorted out Saturday night, I'm sure that it will be a good night.... especially judging by the texts I've been getting haha!
The bloke popped in for a coffee tonight which was good as it was nice to see him again .... I think if we do want to be friends still then we just need to get past the awkwardness and maybe we do have a few things to talk about as time goes on as there really is no handbook for any of this.... Hopefully we can catch up properly one night next week when he is free for a takeaway as still owes me one ha ha!! Regardless of the awkwardness there might be at the moment I do enjoy spending time with him and he is my main film buddy as well!!
Got Abi is coming over for tea Friday night as we've not had a proper catch up for a few months, it's not the same now she works elsewhere, as its harder to have a gossip :0( I can get to hear all about her first break in the Bongo..... although still not sure that would be my idea of fun?!
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