Well what can I say it's been a roller coaster of a few months, today is the first time I have logged on to my laptop in about two months! Not that anyone will have missed me.... usual story!
Most my time has been taken up with work. It has literally pushed me to the brink of what I can stand. Don't get me wrong, I've always enjoyed a little pressure at work, it might sound a little sado masochist but I really don't work well without some pressure but this past few months has nearly broken me!
Never before have I been put in the position where I have been made to truly question my ability at work, to be in a position where I am concerned over whether I will keep my job after all this works out?
I still don't know if I will be made the sacrificial lamb after all of this, but at the same time, with so many people making me feel like I have completely failed in my job, I also have some fairly high up people in the company telling the MD of the company I work for that under no circumstances can they lose me as I am critical to the delivery.... talk about fucked up mixed messages?!
I know tiredness has contributed to my whole mood lately, think I clocked up 150 hours overtime last month! But in all of this, because of how much time I have spent working I've had the other side of the coin to deal with as its also made me feel like such a crap parent. I've barely had chance to spend time with munch, and when I do I am so tired, I am desperately trying not to snap at him because I'm tired. I hate feeling like this and its all that bit harder not having anyone around to lean on, just for five minutes....
Sometimes I do question my choices though, and maybe they aren't always the best?
In all of this I have still managed to have my fun, but looking at it I do wonder if it damages my self esteem more than it helps? I tend to go through cycles of how I feel about whats been going on I guess. Feels like being a pendulum at times!
Sometime I miss having someone so bad it feels like my heart is shattered into tiny pieces and its never going back together, but then other times, considering what I've seen men do, and how easy they lie, change their mind and generally treat the people they say they care about then I'm probably better off by myself?
Men say they want one thing but no matter what, they are all just liars... I've yet to find one that doesn't lie in some shape or form!
From Toblerone to the King, to those that have been and gone... deep down they're all the same, regardless of what they say their intentions are.
I guess I have found out that I am far stronger than I ever thought possible over the last few months, and years.
No matter how much I have been hurt, how many pieces I have been broken into, I still get up and I still keep going.
One day I am sure I will get knocked down and not be able to get back up.... or maybe one day I may eventually find the one exception to the rule?
But then again, maybe that really is the Hollywood ending that never actually really exists outside of a cinema screen?
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