50 Shades of Me

My my my, how things can change over the space of a few weeks.... And I'm not saying it's a bad thing at all!


Everything in my head is still a bit topsy turvy but to be honest, I think that is how I always am and how I will always be! 


I have learnt that I am a mixture of things.... I am open with people, yet I'm closed off, I trust far more than I should, yet I don't trust at all.... and above all I am probably far too honest when other people struggle with hearing it, as they can't be honest with themselves yet alone other people?! I know who I am, what I feel about things, what my good points are and what my bad points are.... I can't see any of that changing but I also can't control it either.


So many things going on at the moment, both at work and at home. Trying to put the feelers out for new jobs at the moment as things aren't going too well where I am, nothing I'm doing wrong but just usual commercial politics, and to be honest I think I've had almost all I can stand of it.... Maybe it is time to move on? 


I contacted my old boss as I know they have roles going where he is, and I always have the option of contracting as a last resort, but I think the scariest things is jumping out of something that suits my life at the moment into something which means I need to travel further..... that might happen anyway if we lose the account we're on at the moment anyway, but is that a reason not to? I think the part that scares me the most is having to rely on the knobhead to do more for munch without holding it over me. I absolutely HATE the fact he can have any power or influence in my life..... and he forgets how easy he has it now.... he assumes that this is the standard and so any more he has to give he makes me pay.... it exhausts me completely sometimes, so much more than anyone ever gets, as it is always that part hanging over you, a gnawing worry that there is no-one I can rely on in this world but knowing I have someone relying on me.... Guess I just need to decide what to do? Stay or go, then work out the details from there?




On the good side, the text I had this morning that made me smile completely, as I haven't had one like that in a long while and it was a nice feeling to have:0) 
Hopefully they continue as men are great at doing things like that at the start but somewhere along the line they forget, or just don't think they have to make that type of effort anymore? I used to have them before, and I don't think the sender had ever realised how good they made me feel, I just don't know exactly when things there changed that meant they stopped?


I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend now though. I'm not expecting anything yet as its early stages and I'm not rushing into anything but he's already said that he knows if we were to work out it would mean him moving here, and I think from the conversation last night he'd quite look forward to that, not just because of us, but for the change of scenery and the opportunities it would mean for him.....


The bloke also called today. Hoping that we can catch up this week too. It was odd as talking to him was comfortable and normal, think I've missed some of that over the last couple of weeks with everything going on, as he's always been able to give me a balanced view of whats going on. I hope he's found what he needs with this new gf.


This rest of this weekend has been pretty quiet and chilled as I had the munch. Took him to the new Sea Museum which opened in town, mainly because we had tickets to get in free, but its always worth going to these things at least once even when they're on your own doorstep. It was ok, we mucked about taking pictures of us dressing up in the victorian clothes, and most importantly he seemed to enjoy it. 


It'll be weird in a few weeks when he's gone for the week and I can't speak to him, because as much as he can annoy me sometimes I miss the noise and distraction when he's gone. Last year the bloke was around, but this year I'm going to be totally alone..... Have arranged to stay at a friends one night that week so I can go pub mid week (for a change), and Betsy is back from Cape Town so we can have date night.


The other thing that has kept me amused this weekend is Mr Grey.... Started reading the '50 shades of Grey' books as wanted to see what all the hype was about..... erm interesting! It's kind of a cross between Judy Blume, Mills & Boon and a S&M manual, with characters that brood like the Twilight characters.... some of the bits are actually pretty hot!! Lets just say this weekend there maybe some interesting side effects coming out if things go to plan.... and I don't think he's complaning!! Lol


Right, time to hit the hay so to speak..... get ready for another one of those weeks at work. Hopefully I won't have to dish out the level of bollockings I did last week as I have never had to go to that level of telling off before. And monday I have a meeting with the offshore boss and my boss about.... what a way to start the week!?!


Night y'all, don't have too many saucy dreams xx mwah xx