Not quite sure where to start with the last few days...... Not sure what to think or what I should feel really, as different parts of me are out of sync at the moment.
Guess I am just really sad that people have seemed to have moved on now.... Was I just convenient? Or was it more complicated than that? Is it more complicated??
Maybe I am putting two and two together and coming up with six instead, or maybe I'm not..... can only assume that this weekend he's gone to meet up for the bank holiday with a girl that he met at the wedding last week? Maybe it's just friends, but I think I know him better than that and I doubt it.... and she would have the added benefit of already being in with his circle of friends from Bristol, something I was never really was, reasons why I don't know?
I know what people have said and I know that when he likes someone he get very involved very fast.
I hope that he finds happiness as he obviously didn't think he could with me in the end? I love him to the moon and back, I really do.... and it's more than just the obvious. He has been there for me so much and I guess I have put him through hell a lot, but he is also one of my best friends, one of the very few people who have ever seen the real me, properly, and I think I'm scared that I'm going to lose that too.
The past few months have been what you could call complicated..... And either he has been a very good liar and actor, or not... I know that he cares a lot about me, even down to the fact that he's told me how he does still love me only just a few months ago! I know it was while he was drunk but when it comes to feelings he has never said things on a whim, or drunk, that he doesn't really mean.
I just guess I wish that he could have trusted me more with his feelings and let me be there for him when he was down, instead of him taking the decision that he felt I gave him everything and he didn't return it, that I deserved more.... I don't think he ever realised that if I felt I deserved more I would have left? He under estimated what he gave me, and that I trusted him completely and he was part of the little family we had going. I know things weren't perfect, but all he had to do was talk to me about what he wanted rather than shutting me out and trying to resolve it himself. In the same way I know I have my own imperfections and issues, I fell for the person he was (is), the whole package including all the flaws not a perfect version.
I've not been blind for the past few months. I know he's not promised me anything and I don't know if he ever realised that regardless of what I felt for him that there have been other things going on, that I haven't just been sat waiting for him to come back as I've been through this before.
If I was interested in sleeping around I could have done so several times over, but I haven't been.... maybe he wouldn't have gave a shit about it if i had cause he doesn't care? But I have a little more respect for myself that just become another hole for a bunch of blokes that are only after one thing.....
Maybe he wants to be one of those blokes that sleeps around? I didn't think he was that type of person but maybe I am a worse judge of character than I thought? Or maybe it's just that's what he thinks he should do as he hasn't done it when he was younger? There is a difference though between being interested in sex (with all the websites and pictures that you can find around) and becoming a man whore.....
I just hope that whatever happens though I don't lose one of my best friends out of this, as finding those types of friendships are rare, however they may come about!!
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