Alive & Kicking

What can I say? This has most definitely been a weird few weeks....


I knew that some of what was going on would hit me one way or another, and the other stuff that has gone on I had a gut feeling would happen strangely enough?!


For the bits that I knew was going to happen..... I know it's been hard seeing all the wedding pictures pop up on my news feed showing munch with his dad and the bint playing happy families. I expected it, but it still hurts, not for the reasons people think, as none of it has anything to do with wanting him back, or wishing it was me instead of her.... she's welcome to him honestly as in the long run she's done me a favour.... good luck on that one actually going the distance though, plus there has been the small satisfaction on seeing even on the wedding day a dog still looked like a dog lol!  


No, I think it has more to do with the fact that when you have kids you never plan on becoming part of a statistic, but here I am, and my son is now one of millions that have a step mom.... and that's such a horrible phrase! Only one person in his life has the right to have 'mom' anywhere in the title, and that's me! I'm sure I'll get over it like everyone else does but it's just a weird feeling to explain to people.


For the bits that I guessed would happen, I suppose if I'm honest I am a little sad about it, but I am OK surprisingly enough.... I'm certainly not sat here crying myself to sleep if that's what people assume?


There are so many things I could say.... but at the end of it all, I've never changed, but I know I can't change how other people feel either!? 
I may love him to the moon and back, and I really do always want him in my life as he's a friend..... after that life is the universes decision! 


I've learnt that in this lifetime you come across only a few people who ever truly understand you, sometimes maybe better than you understand yourself...... and those are the people you don't want to let disappear out your life as they are few and far between!! 


Having someone to tell you off when you are talking crap, or to call your bluff and make you talk about the hard stuff because they know you are hiding from what you should be doing....that you know you can go and have the breakdown in front of because you are at your lowest point, and they don't judge or hold it against you or see it as any kind of weakness in you, make sure you keep them close and don't lose them as they really are few and far between!! 


Things always end up coming down to what people want! 
What they think they can find, what they think they want and whether people ever realise what's in front of their nose at the right time. Like most people I only usually ever see things with hindsight....


I guess for the odds were never in our favour when you add the fact that I had to finish off things with my past in order to be able to draw a clean line under it, having to deal with that on a daily basis mustn't have been easy.... luckily I have finally dealt with all that now! 
Last month was the turning point in regards to the knob and I feel like I have control back and that is so liberating! 
There was also things and people in his past that haunted him..... it was always there and he couldn't escape it, and I know that it was an issue, regardless of what was said, and as stupid as it might sound sometimes I think I probably got that even better than he did! 
Plus, I wasn't his usual type.... Im not blonde and I'm a lot older than he ever normally went for (although I'm not sure I want to call myself old lol!) 


I guess I just hope he finds what he's looking for and that he doesn't get taken for a ride because he's a decent person and I'd hate to think of that happening to him. 


As for me I guess I'll just have to see...... Mike's back on the scene again, messaging me like before.... And then I guess I see what happens with Andy?! I'm just letting that one unfold however it might, I'm just aware that its not always plain sailing so to speak!!


This week is a busy one.... work is shit at the moment which hasn't helped with the last couple of weeks of stress, and I can't see an end to it for a couple of months yet which is crap! 


Monday was date night with Betsy which is always good fun, especially as it's been a while since i last saw her, as she's now based in Cape Town more than the UK! 
Next door is came round last night for a cheeky vimto or two, which meant this morning was a little hard going because as usual we never stop at the one vimto lol!
Hopefully sorted out Saturday night, I'm sure that it will be a good night.... especially judging by the texts I've been getting haha! 


The bloke popped in for a coffee tonight which was good as it was nice to see him again .... I think if we do want to be friends still then we just need to get past the awkwardness and maybe we do have a few things to talk about as time goes on as there really is no handbook for any of this.... Hopefully we can catch up properly one night next week when he is free for a takeaway as still owes me one ha ha!! Regardless of the awkwardness there might be at the moment I do enjoy spending time with him and he is my main film buddy as well!! 


Got Abi is coming over for tea Friday night as we've not had a proper catch up for a few months, it's not the same now she works elsewhere, as its harder to have a gossip :0( I can get to hear all about her first break in the Bongo..... although still not sure that would be my idea of fun?!