How was your day?
A simple sentence, but when said by the right person in can make you feel cared for, protected.
That's what I'm missing at the moment. I feel cast adrift, a ship with no compass, and I'm trying desperately to get my bearings!
It's not that I lack friends. My friends are my family and I love them dearly but I still feel a sense of loneliness sometimes. Struggling today emptying the loft by myself just showed me how hard it can be.
It probably took me twice as long than if I had someone to help me, with the amount of times I was up and down the ladder, and the fact that with some stuff I just physically struggled to lift it and move it.... plus there are so many memories up there, packed away in boxes, lying around in pieces, that its never easy to do that sort of thing and spend too much time up there!
It's not all doom and gllom though...This weekend was good.... had an Olympic themed BBQ on Friday night while the nice weather was with us and it was great fun as we played our own 'games'.... space hopper races, volleyball matches (although we did lose the ball once when it got hit over the house), and we even did an egg and spoon race. Must have been a good night as I woke up feeling a little 'delicate' the next morning!! Was also up an iphone and a coat, it's amazing what people lose on a night out haha!
Saturday wasn't quite as I planned originally, but I ended up going to see TED at the cinema with my friend. Wasn't able to face the idea of drinking again!
I had nearly gone back up to Birmingham to see JJB but he ended up having his son last minute..... and not sure if that was a blessing or not? I know what would happen if I had gone, but with him living there and me here, what hope would I have of anything more permanent? I've know him since i was 13, so maybe it's best just to stay friends?
I ended up just driving round for a while Saturday night.
I just got on the motorway, put my foot down and drove. There was something therapeutic just speeding along the road, having things run through my head and trying to make sense of what I am doing at the moment, what I want, where I am going.... I have so much going through my head from the last month or so and I don't know how to make sense of some of it?!
I've been freaked out slightly as I seem to have had someone following me lately.... getting a message asking if I drive a certain car (which they got right), and was at certain places at these times (I was there), combined with the few phone calls I've had over the last couple of days have got me on edge a bit..... I don't want to go through the phone calls I had last year all over again, although this one has creeped me out more! Still trying to decide what I do about this.... Am I making something out of what may be nothing?
I think my problem is I need to find my sense of direction, I need my compass to point me back on the right path as I hate feeling like this, so out of control, out of my depth.... and knowing I'm supposed to be the responsible one. How am I supposed to look after munch when I feel like I struggle to look after myself?
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