Pieces

Sat here and for once i am at a loss of what to actually write.....


Where do i start? My world kind of imploded this weekend in a spectacular style when the bloke decided to end it while we was in Bristol. I know there has been things brewing for the last couple of months but it still came out the blue, as although he was quiet with me before we went out, i certainly didn't get an inkling it was going to happen that night!


I have no idea how we got back to his friends place and once we got there I just started walking round Bristol, not knowing where i was going as i didn't know what else to do.... when his friend did get me back to theirs i think i managed an hour or so of sleep before i got up, and after a shower i just left the house and started walking again, trying to get my head straight, but everything just felt numb.... and it still does a bit.


He's now staying at his parents and we've spoke a few times and seen each other to talk, but i just don't know what to do. 


I still love him, i haven't got a switch i can flick to turn off how i feel just like that, and i know he is thinking about things too, i just don't know if he will change his mind? I'm so confused at the moment as he said that there is something missing but it's nothing to do with me, and that i couldn't do any more for him, but i just find that so hard to believe. If i can't have a decent bloke love me then what hope do i have, there must be something wrong with me somewhere if I'm back to here again....


The thing is though is I'm so scared that not only am i losing one of my best friends but he is giving up on something that can be really good because of his other demons. 


We never really fought, and we had so many good times together I'm just struggling to understand what more he wants, or thinks he wants? I knew a long time ago he had his own issues, i could see that over a year ago, and I'm scared that us being together has now become the victim of these other demons he has, and us not being together is a quick answer to how he is feeling but it really isn't!! 


He can over think things at times and over the past couple of months especially its like a dark cloud has settled over him... to the point where all his good parts feels like it has been overshadowed by the demon, when really if he can deal with that then it will go back to what it should be, just a tiny small part, and all the other parts of him that i fell in love with come back out. I know people hate to use this world, and I've never had to deal with this first hand but looking at what different experts and books say, i really do believe that he is suffering from a form of depression at the moment, but how do you say that to someone?


And if i do, and he gets help to deal with that, will it change what he is thinking at the moment?


I hate saying all this as the one thing i don't want to do is sound desperate, but at the same time i also can't just sit back and watch everything i ever wanted just walk out my life without me putting up any fight!!


I'm making it through the days at the moment but i really wish people would stop telling me how strong i am!! I'm fed up of it and at the moment i don't feel strong in the slightest.... i know i have survived this sort of situation once and i know i can survive this again, but i don't want to spend my life having 'survived' a series of events,.... like the bloke i want my life to mean something and for me to leave my mark on the world somehow.... having Ethan goes someway to achieving that, but I'm more than just a mom, i want to do 'something' with my life. 


I just want to shake him and tell him i love him and not to give up on us, to go and sort out his other demons first, but I'm scared he just won't listen!! And none of this is in my control :0(


Aaagggghhhhh