Walls

Well today hasn't quite turned out how I had planned!

The first part the week was going great then just like someone flicked a switch on my life and it flipped back round 180 again! Now I am struggling to understand why....

I've asked and been told it's not something I have done, but that's so hard to believe without knowing what has gone on. I already know I have some low self esteem issues and I really do try to not let them get to me but I had years of being put down and made to feel worthless that will take me time to overcome. And now the person I am supposed to be able to trust goes from being loving and caring one night to falling asleep just so they don't have to talk to me the next for whatever reason isn't going to help me feel self confident!

I'm trying to figure out what it is I want, what I am willing to put up with and what is worth the effort.... I don't write on here for people to read, for me writing all this down helps me with my thought process!

I am with a bloke who can be the most caring person you could wish for sometimes but he has his own issues and just goes inside himself with no warning, and that is something I find hard to deal with. I think most of
This predates me but it all impacts us now... How do I make him understand I am here for the long haul as long as he is also willing to try.... Our good times can be really good! However I still don't trust him as he keeps me so separate from the rest of his life.... How can I when I don't see how he really is around his friends? I wish I knew why he was so ashamed of me to not let me ever spend time with his 'group'?

One thing that keeps going round my head is that I am the rebound.... For the last two weeks he has picked his ex up every day to go to work.... And I just don't get it? As a female I can only imagine that she enjoys the fact that she calls and he comes, men forget women can be bitches! And when I've mentioned this to a few different people, they don't understand it either.... I thought maybe it was me going mad but maybe not? I mean I understand the concept of staying friends but there is limits to this, and I do wonder if some of the problems we're having is because he still hasn't moved on?

I know a lot of the times he goes out with friends he is also out with her, it's not a hard assumption to make since they work together and he goes out with work friends.... And maybe this is one of the reasons he doesn't want me there? And I know that because I never get to see him out with these people, I have difficulty trusting him. How can I when I can't see how he is round them?

Or maybe all these problems are my issues I just don't know? I do know that it hurts like hell to always be left on the outside, to be excluded, and to be completely ignored while he is out! All I ask for is to know that I am important to him, not just something to pass free time with when it is convenient. I don't want to be the one who is always cast aside when friends show up, at the moment that is how I feel..

I've heard the stories of how when him and his ex broke up he turned to drink and drugs, yet I'm fairly sure he'd only walk away from me with a shrug, and that is why I don't think I mean as much to him?

I hate all these thoughts that go thru my head as most are probably way off the mark and are illogical, but I can't help the way I feel, and I can't change it unless people help me by showing me what I think is wrong.... Actions sometimes do speak louder than words... I heard words before yet the actions showed something completely different, and as much as I hate it that has left me permanently scarred, and now the walls I built to protect myself got built higher and thicker.... Making it harder for anyone to get thru again and hurt me, yet for the right person it could be so good! I hope I have found that person, but unless he fixes his own issues then my walls will have to stay up