Compass Required

The Internet can be a dangerous place..... not in the sense of odd bods hunting out unsuspecting people or the cyber bullying going on, but in one moment of frustration you can make a comment that once you press send is out in cyberspace forever, and can never be taken back regardless of how many times you press the delete button!!

Yesterday was a horrible day. Had so much stuff at work being thrown at me and to get accused of not doing my job properly when it is me and my team that are literally dragging everything to completion and doing the project managers jobs as well hurt..... i mean i am busting a gut to do a good job and it all gets thrown back in my face..... and to know that i am doing it for a pittance compared to what i should be just makes it harder. Spoke to my manager about the money, saying i need a decent increase when the pay rises come around, and found out he thought i was on £9k more than what i actually am.... i did say if you want to increase me to what you think i already am on then feel free!!! At the moment it's not just about being paid fairly, but this is the best chance i have at getting my life back

I got home to have the ex swearing down the phone at me over the CSA papers he got today, and i had no-one to talk to about it i stupidly put a rant on facebook..... and then that started the rest of the shitty evening.

I know i speak before i think and it didn't even occur to me that people would think that it was about the bloke as people know what type of situation i am in, and the fact that those types of rant are not about him.... but add a few hours drinking under his belt then he didn't take too kindly to it. I deleted it and i tried to make amends but i don't know if i have permanently damaged us....i know we are fragile at the moment anyway, we both have our own demons to deal with but I really can't deal with losing him too, as for better or worse now i love him and it's not something I'm just able to flick a switch and turn off!

I spoke to one of his friends as some of the stuff that is going on with him i think he needs someone who has known him longer than i have to talk to..... and some of the stuff they told me, about what he has said to them about us two and how he feels, if only he said them to me that would help me enormously..... i know we are both guilty of not talking properly to each other, and i mean actual talk..... sometimes if i have something i need to say i find it so much easier to do what i am doing now.... to write it down. It's not because i am scared of saying it to him, often what i write is the things i have already said to him before, but i know that i can't help being emotional and when i actually speak to him, the meaning of what i am trying to say gets lost in the emotion of the moment.

My past means i know i have problems with trusting someone completely and he is probably in a similar boat, we both have to take a leap of faith and stop doing that!!

His friend said that one of the things i need to do is get over my ex..... it's an interesting thought as i am over him, if he was the last bloke on earth i wouldn't go back to him, but i think what i am not over is how bad he made me feel.
It's more complicated than some people think as he spent several years completely destroying any self esteem i had, he chipped away at it bit by bit. If i am honest towards the end i was scared of him, he never actually got to the stage where he hit me, but he broke his knuckle hitting the wall, he smashed a hole in a door, broke light switches by punching them, he punched the floor next to me when he was cross as well as smashing up Ethan's toy box and wrapping an umbrella round a lamppost......the list goes on.
If you add all that to what he did over the last year we was together, which even now i have only ever told a couple of people (the bloke being one of them), I think I've done fairly well to get back to where i am, although i know there is still a long way to go.

I know that how i feel about my ex and what i need to get practically sorted to help me feel like i am back in control, is the one big stumbling block i have, the thing is i don't think the bloke is in the same sort of position with his ex, as I've said before, i do get being civil to each other and even being friendly, but for the past 3 weeks he has picked her up in the morning to take her to work as she texts him through for a lift, and i don't know how many times he has dropped her back as well..... to me that is crossing the boundary between friends and then something else if every time she calls he comes running, and it's not even just on the odd occasion anymore to help a friend...and if he isn't over her, to me that means how can he ever be sure what he feels about me?

i guess i just need to be brave and take the leap and hope that he follows, as to me he is worth it, i just hope he thinks the same about me, i just wish i had a compass to point me in the right direction