God where do i start?
I've always found writing down how i feel has helped me in the past but in this instance i don't think that even that would have helped me..... I am broken, that's the only way i can describe how i feel at the moment.... I keep moving between being fine, being upset, being angry and just being so damn confused about everything.
It just feels at the moment that everything in my life has collided at the same point to just be one big smooshed up mess - work, home, love, everything... and at the moment i just feel so overwhelmed by it all, and so, so alone i am trying desperately not to despair about it all....
And at the one time i really needed someone to be here to help me, they abandon me, so i guess I've learned one lesson which i should have learnt a while ago - trust no-one, as at the end of the day they will only let you down and hurt you when you are most vulnerable!!
I know that at the moment that things are bad as some of my old problems have reappeared. I know it's there but at the moment although my head is telling me i am going to start damaging myself soon, i just can't do it, my body is refusing to and it's scary stuff to be like this :0(
How do i pick up the pieces now? i guess that's the question i am trying to answer....
With work i guess i need to just struggle on through and hopefully things will sort themselves out in a few months, either that or i need to have a serious chat with some people as what they are doing at the moment is seriously out of line.... either that or it's time to start looking for a new job!!
Some stuff i am trying to sort out, as i have for the past couple of years, but every time i think i have got over one hurdle the next one appears before me even taller.... the latest kick in the teeth I've had is from the CSA who reckons the ex should pay £16 a week for his son.... seriously how do they think anyone can raise a child on that i have no idea!!! I'm lucky that i am only going through them so i can declare this money when i try to sort out my mortgage as i would be royally screwed if i was relying on this amount.
And love..... well that's the million dollar question. I guess after a few toads (and they really were horrible warty toads) i thought I'd found my prince, but i guess for whatever reason I'm not good enough for him, so I've got to go back to the frog pond.....the thing is do i take a dip again?
Or is it a case of all there is in the frog pond is just that - frogs?!?!
Maybe i should just stay out the water permanently.... the crappy thing is that for all what i have been through the last couple of months i can't shake the feeling that my prince was still my prince.... he may have been a bit broken, the armour a little chinked and the crown a little lopsided but i was fine with that as i never expected perfect, but he just gave up... and that hurts the most!
I guess i just wish i knew what was wrong with me that makes me so unlovable.... or why people are so obsessed with what they don't have rather than being thankful for what they do have.... and yes, i get the irony, as i here moaning about what i don't have when i have a job, house and great kid, but i am more than just a mom.... my child is one of my greatest achievements in life but i don't want him to be my only achievement, or to be the only thing that defines me.... it's hard to explain but i feel like i am only half a person again at the moment :0/
Maybe one day I'll be able to write on here nice cheery thoughts about how lovely and wonderful life is, about how the world is full of sunshine and buttercups, but maybe that's all as likely as me finding another prince among the frogs? I know my life will never be simple but i am not asking for the fairytale ending, i just want something real to hold on to
night all
No comments:
Post a Comment