Inside my head

What a week! Actually scrap that.... what a month!!


I've been having someone ringing me up every few days in the early hours of the morning asking me what I'm wearing, to take my bra and pants off, if I'm 'excited' and basically trying to get his rocks off.... he's already decided he's my lover and yet no matter how many times and how many ways i tell him to get lost, he still rings back. 


I've gone down to the police station and reported it so need to see what comes of it now, as i don't want to have to change my number... why should i? But it may come to that......


The things is how all this has made me feel. I realise that in the grand scheme of things this is trivial to a lot of crimes, but what happens if he escalates? I could do nothing and this bloke moves on to assault or rape in order to keep getting his rocks off. And then there is the fact that because i don't know how he got my details and the fact that he isn't leaving me alone it's making me feel so uneasy, even in my own home, as how do i know he hasn't got more information on me? And what sort of situation does that put me (and the munchkin) in?


I hate the fact that at the one time when having someone around would be a comfort is the time that i am completely alone, and again does this perv know that and is targeting me because of it? 
I'm certain that the bloke (or should i call him the ex-bloke now?) isn't behind that as it's not who he is, although people have asked me the question, but i used to feel so safe with him around, and now i miss having him here.... i miss the feeling of security he gave me, as well as just missing him...


And for the doubters, no i am not making this up just to get attention either. I have all the call logs to prove i am getting these calls and what i have said is all happening, just the timing stinks.


And to complete the rosiness of my life, the ex has now cut his payments to £16 a week as that is what the CSA have said he needs to pay.... although i am still unsure how anyone can use that to help raise a kid?


I went to Crawley this weekend to visit someone i hadn't seen for over a year. She went to uni with me, although on a different course, and we used to work together at Adams.... we are, and always have been, so similar in many ways and have similar histories with certain things that we have always just clicked, and it was great to finally get chance to catch up and say hi again.


And yes i am trying to move on, back to doing some of what i used to but maybe its too soon.... he may be able to go out, eye other women up, chat them up and god knows what, yet when i start talking to blokes like that then it has just felt like i am cheating at the moment.... i still miss him so much and wished that he felt that way about me.... i mean since we split up he has said to me the three words i had wanted to hear again for so long, but followed it up with the fact we can't be together.... i just don't know why? 


People spend a lifetime looking for what we had but it's still not good enough for him for some reason i just cannot fathom out why..... i don't know whether he was expecting to feel the giddiness that goes with the first few weeks of going out? Or the fact that actually making a life together means you end up having some routine that can feel like you get into a rut a little bit, but in all honesty it's not, it's just the next level of being together.....


He told me i couldn't rely on him to make me happy. I don't. I can be happy without him, but what he gave me was the polish on everything, that extra bit of shine that made everything just that bit much better.
When i say i need him... i know can survive on my own.... I'm a big girl and I've been here before... but just having him there made everything that bit easier to face.


Maybe i didn't give that to him? Maybe that's the something he was looking for and  i wasn't able to give to him, but i wish he knew that i would have if he let me and gave me the opportunity.


Now I'm just scared i am going to lose him forever out of my life. He's not going to want to be around me soon, that feeling will disappear and he will just replace me.... that's what everyone else has done to me so far so why should i think that this time will be different?


I need to figure out a few things, and i need to be able to feel safe again. At the moment i don't think i can do either of these.... where to start would be a good beginning!


Maybe i just need  decent nights sleep? No phone calls. No bad dreams.... That would be good!!