Pieces

Sat here and for once i am at a loss of what to actually write.....


Where do i start? My world kind of imploded this weekend in a spectacular style when the bloke decided to end it while we was in Bristol. I know there has been things brewing for the last couple of months but it still came out the blue, as although he was quiet with me before we went out, i certainly didn't get an inkling it was going to happen that night!


I have no idea how we got back to his friends place and once we got there I just started walking round Bristol, not knowing where i was going as i didn't know what else to do.... when his friend did get me back to theirs i think i managed an hour or so of sleep before i got up, and after a shower i just left the house and started walking again, trying to get my head straight, but everything just felt numb.... and it still does a bit.


He's now staying at his parents and we've spoke a few times and seen each other to talk, but i just don't know what to do. 


I still love him, i haven't got a switch i can flick to turn off how i feel just like that, and i know he is thinking about things too, i just don't know if he will change his mind? I'm so confused at the moment as he said that there is something missing but it's nothing to do with me, and that i couldn't do any more for him, but i just find that so hard to believe. If i can't have a decent bloke love me then what hope do i have, there must be something wrong with me somewhere if I'm back to here again....


The thing is though is I'm so scared that not only am i losing one of my best friends but he is giving up on something that can be really good because of his other demons. 


We never really fought, and we had so many good times together I'm just struggling to understand what more he wants, or thinks he wants? I knew a long time ago he had his own issues, i could see that over a year ago, and I'm scared that us being together has now become the victim of these other demons he has, and us not being together is a quick answer to how he is feeling but it really isn't!! 


He can over think things at times and over the past couple of months especially its like a dark cloud has settled over him... to the point where all his good parts feels like it has been overshadowed by the demon, when really if he can deal with that then it will go back to what it should be, just a tiny small part, and all the other parts of him that i fell in love with come back out. I know people hate to use this world, and I've never had to deal with this first hand but looking at what different experts and books say, i really do believe that he is suffering from a form of depression at the moment, but how do you say that to someone?


And if i do, and he gets help to deal with that, will it change what he is thinking at the moment?


I hate saying all this as the one thing i don't want to do is sound desperate, but at the same time i also can't just sit back and watch everything i ever wanted just walk out my life without me putting up any fight!!


I'm making it through the days at the moment but i really wish people would stop telling me how strong i am!! I'm fed up of it and at the moment i don't feel strong in the slightest.... i know i have survived this sort of situation once and i know i can survive this again, but i don't want to spend my life having 'survived' a series of events,.... like the bloke i want my life to mean something and for me to leave my mark on the world somehow.... having Ethan goes someway to achieving that, but I'm more than just a mom, i want to do 'something' with my life. 


I just want to shake him and tell him i love him and not to give up on us, to go and sort out his other demons first, but I'm scared he just won't listen!! And none of this is in my control :0(


Aaagggghhhhh

Solitude

I'm back here, alone once again.
Don't know why I'm so unlovable?

Stupid thing is I still love him. It's not a switch I can just flick... Although for him it seems to be! Or then again he just never did and lied to us both....

Where do I go from here?

Compass Required

The Internet can be a dangerous place..... not in the sense of odd bods hunting out unsuspecting people or the cyber bullying going on, but in one moment of frustration you can make a comment that once you press send is out in cyberspace forever, and can never be taken back regardless of how many times you press the delete button!!

Yesterday was a horrible day. Had so much stuff at work being thrown at me and to get accused of not doing my job properly when it is me and my team that are literally dragging everything to completion and doing the project managers jobs as well hurt..... i mean i am busting a gut to do a good job and it all gets thrown back in my face..... and to know that i am doing it for a pittance compared to what i should be just makes it harder. Spoke to my manager about the money, saying i need a decent increase when the pay rises come around, and found out he thought i was on £9k more than what i actually am.... i did say if you want to increase me to what you think i already am on then feel free!!! At the moment it's not just about being paid fairly, but this is the best chance i have at getting my life back

I got home to have the ex swearing down the phone at me over the CSA papers he got today, and i had no-one to talk to about it i stupidly put a rant on facebook..... and then that started the rest of the shitty evening.

I know i speak before i think and it didn't even occur to me that people would think that it was about the bloke as people know what type of situation i am in, and the fact that those types of rant are not about him.... but add a few hours drinking under his belt then he didn't take too kindly to it. I deleted it and i tried to make amends but i don't know if i have permanently damaged us....i know we are fragile at the moment anyway, we both have our own demons to deal with but I really can't deal with losing him too, as for better or worse now i love him and it's not something I'm just able to flick a switch and turn off!

I spoke to one of his friends as some of the stuff that is going on with him i think he needs someone who has known him longer than i have to talk to..... and some of the stuff they told me, about what he has said to them about us two and how he feels, if only he said them to me that would help me enormously..... i know we are both guilty of not talking properly to each other, and i mean actual talk..... sometimes if i have something i need to say i find it so much easier to do what i am doing now.... to write it down. It's not because i am scared of saying it to him, often what i write is the things i have already said to him before, but i know that i can't help being emotional and when i actually speak to him, the meaning of what i am trying to say gets lost in the emotion of the moment.

My past means i know i have problems with trusting someone completely and he is probably in a similar boat, we both have to take a leap of faith and stop doing that!!

His friend said that one of the things i need to do is get over my ex..... it's an interesting thought as i am over him, if he was the last bloke on earth i wouldn't go back to him, but i think what i am not over is how bad he made me feel.
It's more complicated than some people think as he spent several years completely destroying any self esteem i had, he chipped away at it bit by bit. If i am honest towards the end i was scared of him, he never actually got to the stage where he hit me, but he broke his knuckle hitting the wall, he smashed a hole in a door, broke light switches by punching them, he punched the floor next to me when he was cross as well as smashing up Ethan's toy box and wrapping an umbrella round a lamppost......the list goes on.
If you add all that to what he did over the last year we was together, which even now i have only ever told a couple of people (the bloke being one of them), I think I've done fairly well to get back to where i am, although i know there is still a long way to go.

I know that how i feel about my ex and what i need to get practically sorted to help me feel like i am back in control, is the one big stumbling block i have, the thing is i don't think the bloke is in the same sort of position with his ex, as I've said before, i do get being civil to each other and even being friendly, but for the past 3 weeks he has picked her up in the morning to take her to work as she texts him through for a lift, and i don't know how many times he has dropped her back as well..... to me that is crossing the boundary between friends and then something else if every time she calls he comes running, and it's not even just on the odd occasion anymore to help a friend...and if he isn't over her, to me that means how can he ever be sure what he feels about me?

i guess i just need to be brave and take the leap and hope that he follows, as to me he is worth it, i just hope he thinks the same about me, i just wish i had a compass to point me in the right direction

.-.

Struggling today....

Sat here alone as the bloke has gone into work and the munchkin is out with his dad.... which leaves me here with only my own thoughts bouncing round my head, and for me that is never good! I wish i was stronger, i wish that when left alone i could just sit and enjoy the peace and quiet like any normal person, but i can't and i don't know why. It's like there's a crushing weight that appears and i just feel like i am falling down deeper into a dark well..... I'm not even strong enough to admit this to other people, maybe if i did i would be able to go get help, but i can't.

Next weekend will be even worse as no doubt the bloke won't want me to interfere with his night out with his friends as he never does, and who can blame him.... if i'm i'm honest i'm just waiting for him to say that this is too much and i'm not making him happy, or do what every other person has ever done and just find a replacement and go.... and when i am like this then who could blame them?

All my friends already have plans as my usual group that i go out with are busy off visiting one of their parents in marlow, and even my friends in b'ham that i could have gone to see are off at a wedding and rugby, so there really is no-one around. It's so easy for people to say just call some up and go out, when everyone has their own lives and kids to plan around then that in reality just can't happen.

lost.com and i don't think anyone is looking!

Walls

Well today hasn't quite turned out how I had planned!

The first part the week was going great then just like someone flicked a switch on my life and it flipped back round 180 again! Now I am struggling to understand why....

I've asked and been told it's not something I have done, but that's so hard to believe without knowing what has gone on. I already know I have some low self esteem issues and I really do try to not let them get to me but I had years of being put down and made to feel worthless that will take me time to overcome. And now the person I am supposed to be able to trust goes from being loving and caring one night to falling asleep just so they don't have to talk to me the next for whatever reason isn't going to help me feel self confident!

I'm trying to figure out what it is I want, what I am willing to put up with and what is worth the effort.... I don't write on here for people to read, for me writing all this down helps me with my thought process!

I am with a bloke who can be the most caring person you could wish for sometimes but he has his own issues and just goes inside himself with no warning, and that is something I find hard to deal with. I think most of
This predates me but it all impacts us now... How do I make him understand I am here for the long haul as long as he is also willing to try.... Our good times can be really good! However I still don't trust him as he keeps me so separate from the rest of his life.... How can I when I don't see how he really is around his friends? I wish I knew why he was so ashamed of me to not let me ever spend time with his 'group'?

One thing that keeps going round my head is that I am the rebound.... For the last two weeks he has picked his ex up every day to go to work.... And I just don't get it? As a female I can only imagine that she enjoys the fact that she calls and he comes, men forget women can be bitches! And when I've mentioned this to a few different people, they don't understand it either.... I thought maybe it was me going mad but maybe not? I mean I understand the concept of staying friends but there is limits to this, and I do wonder if some of the problems we're having is because he still hasn't moved on?

I know a lot of the times he goes out with friends he is also out with her, it's not a hard assumption to make since they work together and he goes out with work friends.... And maybe this is one of the reasons he doesn't want me there? And I know that because I never get to see him out with these people, I have difficulty trusting him. How can I when I can't see how he is round them?

Or maybe all these problems are my issues I just don't know? I do know that it hurts like hell to always be left on the outside, to be excluded, and to be completely ignored while he is out! All I ask for is to know that I am important to him, not just something to pass free time with when it is convenient. I don't want to be the one who is always cast aside when friends show up, at the moment that is how I feel..

I've heard the stories of how when him and his ex broke up he turned to drink and drugs, yet I'm fairly sure he'd only walk away from me with a shrug, and that is why I don't think I mean as much to him?

I hate all these thoughts that go thru my head as most are probably way off the mark and are illogical, but I can't help the way I feel, and I can't change it unless people help me by showing me what I think is wrong.... Actions sometimes do speak louder than words... I heard words before yet the actions showed something completely different, and as much as I hate it that has left me permanently scarred, and now the walls I built to protect myself got built higher and thicker.... Making it harder for anyone to get thru again and hurt me, yet for the right person it could be so good! I hope I have found that person, but unless he fixes his own issues then my walls will have to stay up

hump of the week

It's turning into an interesting week... and with me pissing off a few people i think!


Think i may have a talking to by my manager tomorrow as i have been rather blunt with him today, but when i am doing shit loads and bearing a lot of pressure and responsibility, and there are problems which add to this, things that he should help monitor and mitigate, yet he makes a joke of it, it vex's me no end, and i'm not in the mood or have the time to pussy foot around!!


And as always there is the ever annoying ex.... Contacted the CSA over the weekend and they called me back, so gave them all the usual details, the payment we have agreed and such, and dropped him a note to let him know i had done this. 
All this is to help me declare the maintenance payments so i can have them taken into account when any affordability calcs are done, so for both our sakes i can get him off the mortgage asap.... but i get the third degree off him as he doesn't 'understand' why i had to do this blah blah blah.....


Some of what he has been coming out with just goes to show his total lack of understanding of how any of these processes work, but i think his main issue is, once this is in place i will actually have something court ordered that if he misses i have behind me proper routes now in which to pursue him for payment, and as he is still 8 months behind in payments going forward he can't fob me off any longer....
I have been pushed to my limit and have been more than accomodating in the past.... but seriously no more!! I will do what i have to to make sure my child has a relationship with his dad and unless circumstances dictate it i will not block this, but don't ever take me for a mug!!


I just don't get how people still stay friends with their ex's after my experience.... how they can be 'just friends' when once upon a time there were feelings between them and they got hurt so badly by the one person that they should have been able to trust to NOT hurt them. I understand being civil and sociable with them... no point in causing arguments for no reason, but can you truly move on if you always have part of you stuck with your past? 


I know i sometimes feel like some part of me can't move on properly yet as i am still stuck dealing with the fallout of my past, and i hate the fact that he can f*** with my life if and when he chooses.... and there is one part i will never escape but as the munchkin grows older all i have to do is say hello to his dad at his graduation/wedding ect.... It frustrates me to be in this position as it sometimes creeps into my current world and i don't want to dampen what i have now with all this. The bloke must feel awkward and it can't be easy to have my past always so present..... i know i find it difficult the other way round with some of the stuff that goes on.


Oh well shit happens and what doesn't break you only makes you stronger.... i guess i just need to bring the inner bitch out a little more and show people that they can't just push me around like they assume they can at the moment!!


Night y'all sweet dreams x

Happy Mondays....

Well was back to work today after a pretty good weekend tbh, although i did wake up from one of them dreams where you aren't sure for the first couple of minutes if it was real or just a dream as you have a wierd feeling in the pitt of your stomach.... do you know the ones i mean?

Saturday had more peace and quiet than usual as the munchkin got picked up early as he had a wedding with his dad to go to so all was quiet in the house which makes a change. Had a friend from birmingham down and someone i used to work with round as we had a bit of a girly night out. Was a good laugh as we went to turtle bay and cafe parfait, although i could probably have done without mixing my drinks quite so much.... i forget i'm not as young as i use to be and the days of having anything and everything without worrying about how i'd feel the next day is probably behind me a bit now :0(

We got up on sunday and just lazed around really. Watched the rugby match which was close game and listened to some music!

I really loved sunday though because things feel so much better again at the moment. It really is the little things that help though with all this.... the fact that the bloke helped to tidy up without me saying anything, or the fact that he'd just come up behind me and give me a hug or a squeeze mean more than any big gesture.... i don't know if he realises how he makes me tingle when he comes up behind me and gives me a kiss on the back of my neck......

It made me chuckle as the 'self help' book i'm reading at the moment i'd gotten to the chapter which describes the fact that men and women keep score differently and the way to fill up the love tank (seriously?!?!? that's what they called it!!) is different as to men the big gestures score big points yet to the women any gesture be it big or small score the same which is why men focus on doing a big task and don't understand when a woman gets miffed.... their example was that to a bloke going out and earning a good wage to provide a nice home is big points yet don't understand why women feel unhappy with that and complain about being ignored and forgotten.... they don't realise that to a female that scores just one point, the same way as coming home and asking about her day, or cooking if she feels to tired to also scores one point.... if you look past some of the schmultz in the book it does make sense with what it's saying (although love tank is pushing it????)

The only fly in the ointment this weekend is talking about xmas with the munchkin and finding out he wants to spend xmas eve/day with his dad.... makes me sad as xmas is important to me and not having him here xmas morning is something i'm having trouble getting my head round.... guess i'll have to though if that's what he wants :0(

I can see the next hurdle coming and i just hope that what has started this weekend there is more of that to come rather than being a blip..... good things take effort and work but when they feel like this they are certainly worth it!!

Well better go and catch up a little x-factor lol

xx

:0)

Today has been good, I really hope this isn't a one of and is the start of more days like this to come!
Yesterday was good as went out after work with tara and betsy for something to eat. 3 hours later and we've had a good old natter and some nice grub. It's great as these are the sort of things I can do and bring the munchkin, so I don't feel I'm having to compromise one way or the other.

Today the ex has finally took his bike so that's another piece of the past I can say goodbye to, and I have an appointment to see if I can remove him from the last big area of my life that I can. If this works out then that takes a huge weight off my shoulders!

And finally it was so nice just to snuggle up with bloke on the sofa again, just to be like that is something I have really missed these past few weeks. I really hope it continues xx

short n sweet

Every time i see it, it tears a little bit at my heart
Every picture i see i wonder
I try to not let what has been affect what could be

Trust is so hard to give, yet so easy to break

Life is just far too damn complicated at times

No regrets

First day back at school for the munchkin today and in typical british fashion it was absolutely peeing down.... How come winter has hit so hard so quick? Had to have the heating on and had a fire going last night, and it seemed to be dark by about 7:30pm - pah! No fun!!


Mind you at least the weather is kind of fitting for my life at the moment.... a little bit dark and quite a lot of wind disturbing everything. I guess i'm preparing myself for the worse but i really hope it doesn't turn out like that as it will break my heart to say goodbye, but i don't know if i'm good enough for him.... 


At the moment i think he is questioning if i am the one from him, but we do have so many good times together and we get on, i hope he doesn't give up on us before giving us a chance and trying to improve things. He's been stuck in his cave lately doing the bloke thing, and sometimes i think that is the problem.. not just his but everyone's, why do we have to think so much about stuff, why can't we just go with the moment and not worry so much about the future. If you think too much then you'll never get anywhere.


All i want to do is live a little more in the moment... i do have to worry about the future about somethings as it's not just me i have to look after, but i just want to live now, enjoy the time i have and love the people i'm with. If you get on and have a good time together, then enjoy it rather than question it.


I want to live a life of no regrets

Love stinks.... isn't that what the wedding singer sang?

Found this quote and it kind of sums up how i feel at the moment:


“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.”


Kind of appropriate at the moment given what's going on..... i sometimes wonder how many times a person's life implodes on them? This is the second time for me and i don't know when the dust settles and i'm going through the remains what will be left. I hope i don't lose those people that are important to me, i hope that they discover that although things can be hard that there are somethings worth sticking around and fighting for..... but i tell you what if this does end up being completely shitty then i'm damned if i'm ever doing it again, as i think i'd rather suffer the loneliness than this heart wrenching pain ever again.

Self help or self harm?

Betsy from work has given me a book to read..... it's one of those ones that i usually scoff at, as it sits under the 'self help' section in the book stores. However after reading some of it, there is a lot in there that is pretty much spot on for describing me...... however I'm yet to see if any of it actually helps though, i'll keep you posted!!!


It says that women often just want to talk about their problems, although they aren't actually looking for someone to solve them, as the very act of talking about it helps, where as men always try and find a solution to a problem and don't like talking about it before hand..... and that is so true! 


How many times have we got together with our girlie friends and chatted about whats bothering us, and all we've wanted are some symapthetic head nods and yep noises made in the right place? Those type of conversations mean we walk away feeling a little bit more supported and a little less alone, which in turn makes the problems we have that little less horrible?




There is a lot of talk about how when men retreat into themselves as that is how they deal with their problems, women aren't used to this behaviour and it causes them to ask more questions and become worried, and i guess this is very true for me as well.... i don't expect to know the detail of everything but not knowing nothing sends us worrying and we start to question everything


The book says that men want to feel appreciated and able to solve their own problems and women just want to feel cherished, and from my side of things i think that sums it up fairly well..... no matter what is going on if you hear those words 'i love you' or 'how was your day?' just to have someone show they care and are concerned about you, to spend that minute just giving you a hug, it really does help..... so, no i am not from venus, but i do hope that one day i can say that someone somewhere does cherish me.... 


Theres  a good quote i found that goes some thing like " being deeply loved gives you strength, while loving someone gives you courage" and if you think about it, it's so true as if you feel that someone is there for you unconditionally then you fear a lot less, and feel a lot less alone in this world


Anyway, it's late, i'm tired and after the week i've had i'm more than a little emotional..... and at the moment i am just feeling very ignored, very alone and very overwhelmed and broken by everything that has been going on.... my fight is waning and i am reaching my limit, yet i am scared that once i have exceed my limit what the consequences could be, not so much for myself but for my son who means everything to me....


night y'all x