Is it that difficult?

Well it's been a glorious few days, sun has been shining and it's amazing how just having the day brighter can lift your mood, even if it's just a little bit!


The weekend was good, i opened all the windows and aired the house out a bit. Love it when the house smells air fresh rather than cooped up... Got several loads of washing done and dried it outside so all the clothes now smell like fresh air, and i even managed to cut the grass (well in the back garden anyway)!


Saturday night was good, met up with a bunch of the girls for something to eat and a few drinks, which was nice as now we don't all work together its harder to catch up! One was out for the first time since she had her bubba, and another told everyone she's 3 months pregnant.... life is moving on at a pace for everyone these days. It's great for them, but wish I could join in with that.... I'd love to be doing that sort of stuff, but no-one wants that with me. Simple things like having a family and home is all i really want.... although i do have ambitions with work too, not so much about what level i want to get to, or status, more about making sure i challenge myself!


Anyway, after food and drinks i met up with another friend for a few birthday drinks in town and ended up in THE most cheesiest clubs ever!! But to be fair i liked the cheesy songs and i was with a good crowd, and i will always maintain the fact that it's not the places you go to on a night out that makes it a good night, it's all about the company you have!!


Rolled into the house about 3:30am having had the taxi man wait to make sure I got in safe (bless!) I love going out but even now i hate coming back to an empty house, it's hard to explain to people why and what i mean..... i think it's just that feeling that i am not coming home to anyone?!?


Tried not to waste Sunday to a hangover and was quite please with myself as i got up and did more of the gardening, those little jobs that need to be done but are so easy to just keep putting off! So my fence posts are now concreted in again, and I've sown some grass seeds, built up a bit more of my rockery and done (or attempted) the footings of some steps. Still not sure if i am brave enough to actually try cementing the bricks though???


As it was such a nice day ended up doing a BBQ, the bloke came over and helped cook the food and we just had a chilled out time in the garden, even played a couple of hands of cards... don't think any of us have great poker faces lol!


Think the late night and manual work killed me though, was ready for bed at 10pm haha!


Today I've carried on the theme of getting little jobs done, booked munch into day camp for summer, for the two weeks i needed to pay for, and then passed the details on to his dad to cover his two weeks.


The only thing that has really annoyed me is the knob head, not seeming to be very proactive in getting the deed forms done, and now the fact that he is actually going to have to pay to do this means the whole thing has slowed down even more! How it's come as a shock that he has to pay for a solicitor to look this over I'll never know?! Think he thought he'd get away with not paying a penny, that's how stupid he can actually be!! Wish he would just grow up and man up to some of the things he should be dealing with! Ggrr 


Guess i should go bed rather than be playing on this 'draw something' app, but it does get addictive lol


Anyway night y'all  

Sunny

Chased up solicitors this morning.... need to get this all sorted for my own sanity, don't want the arguments of the past couple of days to mean he causes me problems now. Paper work should be with him today or Monday so just need to keep on to make sure they are signed and returned. Maybe it will be over and I can start next month a fresh?!


Sunny day today, got all the windows open to air the place, can hear the birds singing and people cutting their grass.... and next door mooing! Still a random sound to hear!!


Missing some people today though, wish they could be here as it just feels right that they should be...  :0(


Days like these need BBQ's, maybe tomorrow? See who's about as I'm not doing one just for me though!! 


Off out tonight, meeting up with girls for food and drinks, hopefully next door will come with us too (and no, not the one that moos, the OTHER next door lol). We always have a blast when we drink in so would be good to go out together! Plus I need someone to come with me, also should be meeting up with some other friends as one of them are out for his birthday too tonight.... Should be a good night, I just hate coming back to an empty house!


First of all time to tidy up a bit, and maybe take munch to feed the ducks before he goes off to his dad's...

*sigh*

Last couple of days have taken their toll.... work has been one thing as everything has got stupidly busy again, but the arguments with knob head have just stayed at the back of my head.... hate it! 
I don't want it to be able to affect me this way, but as it messes with my life I can't escape it either.... now just waiting to see if he's petty and screws up other stuff as well?!


And then there is just the fact I wish I could just fix the other stuff.... What I want to say I can't, and knowing that I didn't mean that much.... that I have been replaced hurts!  
Maybe I should just go out and do what I know I can do? It's not like anyone is going to be bothered or upset by it! 
I wish they was as it would show they cared, but they won't be as I'm not the one anyone ever wants or cares about that much!


I should just give up and expect perfection.... we know that doesn't exist! So with that decided I'm not going to be surprised!! 
With how crap I've been treated before I found someone who treated me how I wanted to be.... it wasn't perfect, far from it, but it was good (and that isn't just going by my standard!) but they thought it wasn't good enough as so left... I think life is just too complicated to even bother sometimes


I'm willing to give the world to someone who i think is worth the effort, not to someone who is perfect

Bum ache (or a pain in the ass!!)

Guess I'm feeling a little sorry for myself tonight as I'm still in pain with my back.... It feels like I have so many knots and lumps in it, especially at the top, just where I can't reach!!
I know it's bad as my bum hurts too lol!


Don't mean that in a rude way either (just saying!) it's more of a pain when walking about..... So if you see me rubbing my bum cheek, I'm not purposely being rude haha!!


Its been like this for a few days, a back rub yesterday helped loads as it just loosened everything up, but back to hurting now, although I do think some of that is down to tension after this afternoon!


Had an argument with knob head today over the phone while I was at work... I can't believe just how much his view of the world is twisted!! You may think that it is just me being twisted but seriously, the double standards being applied in astounding, and the fact that he thinks I'd be ok with the idea of him and bint being in my house for a week to look after the munch I can't believe... told him she is never to step foot in my house and that is not negotiable!


I'm just so annoyed with myself at how upset I have got over this, mainly out of sheer frustration.... Guess i find out who my friends are though as they are the ones who have checked i'm ok!?! I even had Kingy and next door offer to come round, bless 'em!


I think the other thing at the moment that isn't helping is the usual hormones and the fact I'm just feeling a bit sorry for myself the last couple of days as I just don't have anyone who misses me, or would miss me (not including munch in this btw).... It's a lonely place to be, and it would be nice to think someone does think of me sometimes, but guess I'm the one that people get over quickly (or just never get in) and I don't know why? 


People obviously have a type and I'm just never 'it'. Whether that type is in looks, age or the fact its always someone they work with? Not sure why I'm never someones type? Guess I'm not pretty enough, my legs aren't long enough or I haven't got the right colour hair? Perhaps I should work on the pretending to be someone I'm not? I need to treat people like shit as that's how everyone seems to like to be treated? 


I do know I have my own version of crazy and I've never denied that! But in the grand scheme I thought my plus points outweighed my not so plus points.... Obviously I'm wrong!

Happy mommy day x

Had a fairly chilled out Mothers Day with the munchkin today. Got flowers and chocolates off him

Think munch is the only one I have ever regularly got flowers off.... well actually, to be fair thinking about it, the bloke had got us flowers before, and they meant more to me than I probably ever told him because he'd got them for a reason other than a birthday or because he did something wrong!


I'm not really a 'flowers for an occasion' kind of girl, but (other than the one the munch gets me of course) there have been two times when I really appreciated getting them..... 


The first time was off one of my best friends. I'd had a huge bunch of flowers waiting for me when I came home from the hospital after having the little munch. 
The second time was when the bloke had got me some to cheer me up after he knew I'd had a hard lunch meeting with the knob head.


Normally I'll buy flowers just because I want something pretty in the dining room.... although I won't deny it, I'd love to have a huge bunch delivered to work just to show someone had been thinking of me....... every girl wants to be able to have that happen and if they deny it they're lying lol!


Now just sitting with a glass of wine before the week starts again and thinking...so much to do, so much to finish sorting out! First on the list is a solicitors tomorrow...


Miss some people so much sometimes, living so far from where you grew up and where your friends live can be hard at times.... some of the friends are scattered around now and they get more scattered as time goes by!!


I have just a handful of people in my life that I love to the moon and back, and some I miss badly! Distance isn't always a geographical location either.... 

Hitting the right note

Not sure where today has gone.... been a good one though as went to see my god daughter as I missed her birthday party last week, and I took munch out for his birthday meal, since we didn't do it last week after his bout of throwing up... Think i tired myself out too!!

Been sat here having a few drinks, watching some old films and just listening to different music clips.... I find it amazing how people can capture how I feel so accurately in a song so often, if only I could say to the people I need to what the songs convey, I wonder where I would be?

Like the stuff I wrote last night.... so many songs are made about that type of thing!! Just wish someone could write something to tell me how to fix it all too!!

Mothers Day now.... think I'll get a lie-in?

TGIF

I swear someone keeps sneaking extra hours into my days!!


It's been one really long week at work, but to be honest that is pretty standard these days. With the stuff waiting to go live, the problems with it and the fact that so much is waiting on all this, it's just the usual pressures that come around in cycles. But in some sadistic ways I actually enjoy crisis management more than keeping things ticking along nicely!


Yesterday was a bit of a break from the usual as Kingy came round.... sounds like he's been having a tough time, which makes me feel guilty for moaning sometimes...


On the home front, I'm just waiting for the stuff from the solicitors to come through now I've paid them.... it's a weird feeling as I'm not expecting anything to go wrong, it should all be straight forward, but I guess part of me is just waiting for that one thing to go wrong. So close now to it all being mine, and then i can start sorting out the rest of the other bits that are now waiting on this going through.


Found out about the pay rise this week too, and although it's not quite what I wanted I do know its more than everyone else has got so not going to complain too much, at the end of the day money is money!


This month has been pretty good to me overall..... as I said if one more certain thing could change then it would have made it perfect but that last thing won't happen, as it's not mine to change or make happen!


But do you ever get those times when you just want to say don't go, stay and see what happens, but know you can't say those words out loud as it's not your choice to influence? 


He feels he has to go as he has to escape seeing his ex everyday. 
I know that and I have always known that, as seeing her everyday is one of the biggest parts of what is going on..... but at the same time I know he also cares about me too, as he's told me he does, and I know that he isn't the sort of person to just say that because he's drunk.... he never has been one of those types of people that loves everyone when drunk! 
He thinks too much to do that lol!


He doesn't feel like he can give himself to anyone because he is broken from his ex and he feels that offering something second hand isn't fair.... but in reality its not second hand or broken, it's just different, I know I don't expect perfection off anyone as I know I am far from perfect! 


For me, all I need is to know that someone is there for me when I need them, and not sure he ever realised this but he has shown he is, even after we split, it's just a shame he never saw it this way. The rest of what we was and still are is fine, we can talk, I've always been honest with him (more so than anyone) and we have a laugh and a giggle together, we get on!
I guess I just miss the little things, like the texts I used to get, and the little gestures..... he's probably sending all those to someone else by now :0(


I hope he has a good time on the stag do he's gone on, I do think he needs the break..... 


What I wish for I guess is pie in the sky and I know it's nothing I can do anything about so I'll just carry on doing what I have been........ who knows if anything will pan out from it longer term? 


Well better head off to bed, I've got to visit the god daughter tomorrow as I missed her birthday last week (I did have a good excuse, it was munch's birthday too) and I've told munch I'll take him to chiquito's for his birthday meal, since last week he was busy throwing up! 


So many other small bits n pieces I need to try and do to, nothing major but if they don't get done they just annoy me lol!!


Night x

Pendulum

Why is my life such a pendulum?


Just as one part swings upwards another part swings down? All I want to achieve is a little balance!


On the one hand finally getting the house sorted and moved into just my name, and the fact that it was Munch's birthday this weekend has been a great high and such a huge relief after a couple of years of worry and stress, I have a light at the end of this particular tunnel!


But on the other hand realising the irony of the fact that the one person you thought was worth the risk of trusting in and being with, is not only still not over his own ex, but that you just was never good enough in the end to be worth that risk back I guess.... 


I guess I am just an idiot to believe what anyone tells me anymore..... After all what do I have to give really?


Some people will tell you they love you, but then that doesn't seem to be enough for them anymore.... the fun is obviously in the chase of those younger and prettier and like to play games, have their own ego boosted? 
I've seen this more than once now and cause I don't play those games and am actually honest about who I am rather than playing games then I'm not good enough....


If you listen hard enough you might hear the snap!

Relief

Had a phone call today that has taken a huge weight of my mind and given me the gift of being able to close certain chapters of my life...... I can finally start  moving on as I can now remove the knob head from my mortgage!! yay! that means the worry about him screwing me over has been vastly removed. the only real interaction I know need to have with him now is over munch...... once everything has been signed off then it will be PARTY time to celebrate!!


That means what is left is the stuff out of my control.... I wish I could control it as that's just the way I am,  but I know I can't.... all I can hope is that it finds its way back to me, I know it isn't wrong but that isn't my decision to come to..... others have to get over their own past and realise what they feel now for other people isn't wrong.


I wish I could have the one I want turn up on my doorstep telling me he missed me, just like he used to, but I guess that is wishful thinking.... instead I'll go to bed, and maybe one day I'll find someone will feel like that???

Butterfly Sat Nav

Have you ever been in the position where all you want to do is say "don't go, stay....I'm going to miss you"? 


It's not that easy is it? All you can done is wish people well and hope that they will find their own way back to you, because at least then you know it's meant to be. 


I just hope they have my address and a decent sat nav!! And that by leaving they get the space they need to finally close the thing that is driving them away in the first place, and I hope that I am not part of that 'thing'!


It's like a butterfly, hold it too tight and you'll crush the wings, you need to open your hand and let it fly, and just hope it comes back home to the flower where it belongs:


You have given me the courage to be all that I can
And truly feel your heart will lead you back to me
When you're ready to land, spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you have become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me, we truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly, butterfly 
  

Tentative Woo-hoo's

Things have been a bit crazy this week, actually scratch that.... they've been like that for the past of weeks to be fair! Where to start?


Well I've found things can move pretty quickly sometimes. 


I went from enquiring about my mortgage and moving it into just my name, to actually taking the leap and applying.... now I have a valuation on Tuesday and I think (and hope with everything crossed) that if it passes this stage then everything has been approved and I have just got rid of my biggest problem! Well actually it means I then have to organise getting my Transfer of Equity done as well as one is the money side, the other is the legal side but the sum of all parts equals FREEDOM!! 


No more worries about the knob head taking it from me or causing me problems over it as it will be all mine. But I'm reluctant to get excited about it yet as they could still say no..... my problem is everything I ever get in my life that seems to be good just goes away, or walks away.... :0(


So all I've done so far is have a tentative celebration on Friday as went round to next doors for a few vino's and got a little tipsy! I do know that I came back and got munch in bed, then manged to lose a few hours somewhere.... have nooooooo idea what i did for a couple of hours... oops!


This weekend I watched the munch and his school compete in Rock Challenge at the guildhall, and it was so great to see them all dancing on stage. They was all made up as the school came 2nd place, so all the kids were buzzing and munchkin just wouldn't shut up... Got a lie in this morning though!!


While he was in his all day rehearsal, I had a productive day! Got my hair cut finally, which always makes you feel that bit better, I got Munch's birthday present, met up with Abi to catch up and we got our god daughter her birthday presents.... even treated myself to a FAB pair of shoes, handbag and purse, and it didn't even cost me much as i found a bunch of gift cards I hadn't used yet - happy days!


I guess the less 'great' stuff has also been happening - usual work stuff with things being busy, but it has been more than that the last couple of weeks as i swear I have adults acting like bloomin' kids at the moment.... if they're not careful I'll start putting them on the frickin' naughty step!


Also found out this weekend that I'm being accused of being the other woman so to speak! All I've been doing is being a sounding board for someone going through a tough time and yet his ex has been accusing us of doing more than that!! Not that it would be any of her business even if we was as they split up a year ago! 


At the moment that would be too complicated to get into anyway.....This bloke not only has a crazy ex, he's got his kids to think about, a mom who is going through chemo and a nan who he is pretty much the carer for.


And for my situation, it's not lost on me that the way I feel for someone is the same way he feels about his ex.... the irony isn't lost on me! 
Trouble is with this situation is I also know how he feels about me too.... I know what he's said to me, and what he's not said...


I guess I still wonder if what i said that one time was what finally broke it all?!?

I hope not as although it had bumpy patches it was good... nothing was rotten about it, it's just a case of two people with different baggage and maybe not handling it fantastically!
Rather than getting over some of it we let it take away something good..... finding someone who you can talk to, have a laugh with, be best friends with and still want to jump bones, is rarer than you might think! Most people consider themselves lucky to find just some of that.


I guess that's why I haven't jumped into something with the one that I've been accused of seeing, as I know that for both of us it isn't the right time at the moment....


Guess i should go check my relationship with my bed is still good, before the alarm gets jealous and tries to split us up!! ;0)

they call me darth vader cause i have a big helmet

Things have been moving on this week...... I've come so close to the light at the end of the tunnel with knob head i can almost taste my freedom, but i am trying so hard not to get my hopes up as i am expecting for something to go wrong!! If this all goes as planned then i will finally have all ties to him that I can cut and that means freedom finally! Then the only thing left i have tying him to me is munch, and as each passing year than diminishes!


Such a big relief!!


But then there is the other stuff..... it is moving on, and that isn't a bad thing, but at the same time I wish I could still have what I know is still there. I'm ok to say that as I've always been overly honest and worn my heart on my sleeve, just others can't/don't.


I know that there is still stuff there.... but at the moment the shadows of the past loom bigger and blocks everything from being seen. There is the need to move on but with a constant reminder there everyday they can't..... and the bugger is I understand that yet am so sad that the moving on is at the cost of other things


Guess everything just has to work itself out in the wash....I'm not blocking roads but people have to want to travel that road in the first place. I'm not saying the road is smooth, any road has it's bumps and hills but you know what, sometimes the view can be amazig if you are willing to carry on, and it's not always about the destination at the end of the road, more about the journey you take to get you there!
Some people just put you down, or make you feel down, but there are some people are there that help you get up, will dust you off and walk alongside you..... and these are the ones that you don't want to lose


night hope your star guides you well x