Tipples

That's another one done, another weekend over with.... they go far too quickly! Shame it doesn't feel like Mondays go like that!!


It's been another relatively quiet one as it's the weekend before payday, but it's been good as just had a chance to relax - no dialling into work, not really doing much cooking or cleaning, and a chance to lie-in and read a bit as munch was at his dad's this weekend.... It's even silly little things that help you relax, like being able to watch a film without worrying how loud the TV is in case I wake the munchkin!


I enjoy being able to just hang out with people I care about and get on with.... must be getting old lol! Going out down the pub is still great but it's not something that I have to do week in, week out to have a good time, it is more about the people you're with!


Guess the trouble with the pub is that it's always full of drunk people!! Or at least full of people way too drunk.... Mind you saying that people do tend to talk more when they've been a bit lubricated. 


I think most people just talk absolute crap when they are drunk, but I suppose there are some people say things that they wouldn't normally admit to sober, as it's not the normal sort of things they'd say when they are drunk. I guess occasionally, depending on the things going on in people's heads at the time, they will say something that deep down people know, but they wouldn't/don't want to say outloud, but the alcohol lets it slip out!! Alcohol has a way of revealing their innermost thoughts, regardless of what turmoil they might be going through, and I think it's often at odds with what they might be saying - out loud and to maybe to themselves! 


Monday at work also done, and was just what I expected - crazy, hectic, madness! Its amazing what I miss though, just simple things that make the day go easier.... guess I have no hope of getting it back anymore? Guess I need to find my mo-jo?


Probably ought to go to bed now though, first day done so the worst is over! Still lots of things to do and got a lot of things going through my head.... to-do lists galore!!

Green eyes

No matter how hard we try, there are parts of ourselves that we can hide, we can deny.... but we can't get rid of as it is ingrained into us!


I'm a little nutty at times, am over emotional and as much as I try to be i have a jealous streak!
I have no rights to get jealous over some of the stuff, it's nothing to do with me I know that but I just can't help some of it....


I'm jealous that I was never good enough, because I know even now that there was someone who always played a bigger part than me in what was and still has been going on, and the fact that i will never be missed like she is..... Nor am I someone who is constantly there to string someone along..... I'm not the one that people look forward to getting a text off, that will get a reply texted back straight away, or get the random text at times that lets you know that someone has actually thought about you.


I guess I'm also just sad that for one person to find what they need I have to lose one of the few people who understand me the most. It's easy to say I' not losing them, that they are only a phone call away but the worst thing about distance is that you don't know if you'll be missed or forgotten, and i just think I will be forgotten..... why would they miss me then, when they don't already?


I have no-one around to get jealous of what I am doing, as no-one cares that much. 
Jealousy and that, may not be a great trait, and too much of it can cause problems, but a little of it at least shows you that someone cares just a little to even get bothered by what you do?

Pen & Sword

"The pen is mightier than the sword" 
"Actions speak louder than words"
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder"
"Some people are like trees, they take forever to grow up"


So many sayings out there that it can get confusing, especially as often they are all echoing what's going through my head, but even as i read them i start to think i have multiple personalities lol! 
God knows what the general public would think!?!


I don't aim to change the past, it's made me who I am today. I accept that everyone has a past.... but when that gets in the way of the kind of future that you want and could have, rather than the one that you assume you deserve, then that's where things get confusing!! No one is perfect, accept the imperfections!


There are people I wish I could remove from my future and those that I don't want removed! 
Just wish I had more influence over it I guess?

Weekends go too quick!

Well, half term is officially over now and so things can go back to normal, or as normal as it ever gets! 


It always kills me these types of weeks, both mentally and physically, dashing between home and work, never actually getting a break!! 
And it makes me feel even worse as I'm the parent who is basically sticking their kid in front of the TV or computer to keep him occupied as I have to work.... trouble is I don't have a choice as I have bills to pay! Just hope munch understands that this is something I can't avoid, and I'm not prioritising work over him :o(


At least I have managed to re-charge a little over this weekend. At the moment I am trying to stay away from going out too much as I can't afford to spend to much, so trips to the cinema and into town have been avoided, as before you know it you have spent more money than you intended. 
I've even avoided going into town on the saturday nights when i haven't got munch, last weekend was an evening round the neighbours, and not sure about next yet!


This weekend was quite nice, and sort of unexpected in a way.... Did the usual bits and pieces and then on a bit of a whim, ended up splitting a curry with the bloke Saturday night. Then today took the munch up the common to try and burn off some of his excess energy and did a roast.


It was a nice and relaxed way to spend the weekend.... shame I didn't have someone to share my mulled wine and sunday evening with once munch had gone to bed, instead I ended up doing a presentation... but that was only as I know this week is going to be hectic and I just wanted to get a head start really!


I miss having more weekends like this one..... it's not always about going out and getting drunk. Don't get me wrong, that is fun and has to be done sometimes but just having a laugh with people you consider your family is also just as nice sometimes. 


I'm going to miss not having part of what i consider to be my family around soon.... 

hectic.com

"The worst thing about distance is that you don't know if you'll be missed or forgotten"


Don't know about you but I am knackered! 


It's been a really long week for me.... it's half term which always makes for  fun week every time, plus work has just been crazy!! So much more than people can or will realise.... just to know that what I have been working on over the last couple of months (if it goes well), could end up meaning we hit our 30% target. And that's not just for the account I am on now, but for the whole company.... that is pretty big!!
And so much depends on how it goes over the next couple of months, and how I manage it... so much pressure that people don't appreciate!!


And then the other things that are going on? The quote I put first is so true! It's all a gamble.... and I don't know how the dice will roll! I know I don't want to be forgotten....................

Random Times

Well that's another weekend passed, and must say it's been a bit of a random one, not sure what to make of some of it....


After having coffee and a catch up with S I went round next door for a few vino's, or it was meant to be a few vino's, it actually turned in to quite a few vino's in the end!! 


I like having a neighbour about the same age as me as we have such a giggle.... Her husband was a little bit shocked that we were still up when he rolled in! 
Think I left there just after 3am this morning.... but I don't remember doing some of the stuff I obviously did do (oops). 
I managed to send a few messages out which was mainly gobbled-gook, and I sent some texts.... when the King came round tonight he was telling me some of the stuff I'd texted him... have told him I do random stuff when drunk lol!


I guess I just don't know where my head is with everything, and at the moment it can sometimes feel like I'm two people stuck in the same head!! 
Some of the stuff I have found out recently hurts, even now.... I just don't get why with some of?


Sat here watching stupid bloody chick flicks, and having valentines day just coming up probably doesn't help, as the thought that I was so easily replaceable and that I'm not even missed just means I wasn't that important! 


And then I have to deal with the blokes friend coming on to me again.... I'm not going to go there, I never was and I'm not about to start now, but I bet it just wouldn't bother the bloke either way, as he's busy with another person now anyway..... I just need to find  way to tell his friend to bugger off in the nicest possible way! 


Guess I should really try and get some sleep, although that may be a challenge as I think the insomnia has set in a little today, but i guess I'll go give it a whirl?!?

more than people know!

Is it just me or is everyone else getting fed up with all the valentines lovey dovey crap around at the moment? 
Don't get me wrong, a romantic gesture and all that is great.... even if it is on a day that is there more as a commercial thing now rather than anything more deep and meaningful, but even when I was not single on valentines day I always found it too much, guess this year it just has more of a sting!


I think it's just that its difficult.... that's all. 


I know people always under estimate how much I actually know and understand about what is going on in their lives..... It's easy to forget that I spent 3 years learning how to find things out, yet alone the fact that intuition is a great thing, as is the fact that I do know how to listen to people, not just what they say, but what they don't say and how they say it! 


I've always tried to concentrate on what I do have rather than not, although the past few months I do know I have missed what I once had but don't anymore, more than I ever thought I would or wanted to, but I am only human and can't help that.... I might come across as stupid but really I'm not! I know that all of this is out of my control, and that changing that is beyond my influence, but so many people concentrate on what they think is missing rather than what is actually there in front of them in the first place, they will miss out on what they really want out of life as they are so busy looking for something that never exists unless you live in a fairy story or hollywood!


Guess I can't help it that I'm not a 20 year old willing to string someone on?


All I want is something with substance and a future...... I know perfection doesn't exist, but if you are lucky enough to find someone who knows you so that they don't listen to the words you say but the meaning behind the ones you don't, that you don't have to fill in the silences as they are comfortable as the hugs and touches you get, that you find someone who can make you laugh and you have fun with, and well as be there when things aren't as easy..... then that is the one you shouldn't want to let go!


There are so many frogs in the pond..... I know I have a few lily pad options although if I am honest none of them quite measure up yet, whether that is me just having extra walls up, or the fact that they need to show me they are that much better than what I currently want I don't know.... each time I go through this I have another layer go on, so that unfortunately next time there is more to break through..... who knows? Maybe I've already met my prince and just need him to realise, or maybe not..... maybe i'm destined to only have frogs forever as it often seems like only the bitches and bad people find happiness!


"The worst thing about distance is that you don't know if you'll be missed or forgotten"

Stupid Girls

I feel like I am the problem when all I have ever wanted to be was part of the solution?


I'm probably putting two and two together here and coming up with 22 instead but I can't help it.... and the worse part is I know I shouldn't as it doesn't really affect me anymore, or shouldn't. 


Really.... why should I actually give a shit as I deserve so much more, yet it still hurts because I do care.... Guess I should be used to the fact that there is always better and younger than me. All I am good for is to be trampled on and tossed aside!!! Ex-wives, ex-girlfriends.... different blokes but all behave the same way!


Being decent and caring counts for shit these days as blokes just want girls who will will be bitches, use them for what they can get and the girls just enjoy the ego boost of having someone older fawn all over them, even when the majority of the time they are in a relationship themselves....and most men seem to thrive off that, not even considering if they are doing that with them while they are with someone then they'd be more than happy to do the same to them if they ever did actually get together! 


Maybe that's where I've gone wrong for so long? 
Guess it's a shame it's not in my make up to do that..... Instead I'm the one that goes thrown aside to make way for the shiny new ones! People mistake being decent for being a walkover..... well they can all go screw them selves as no-one has any idea of what I have actually had to go through over the years as I've never told anyone all of it..... and you know what, I have come out the other end as the one that can hold my head high! I still have problems because of some of it, and I have things I have to fight on a daily basis because of it, and I won't drag anyone into that part of my world, but don't judge me till you've walked a day in my shoes!


But regardless of all that I still can't control what I feel and what I want....
Sometimes it makes me wonder why i'm here at all?????????????????????????????????


However tick, tock, tick, tock... as things do change, and I have seen too many times how people only realise what they wanted once it has past them by, then all you end up with is a bunch of what-if's!

Melting pot

It's been a day of frustration really.... That feeling of being stuck in catch-22!

Had my meeting at the bank and there is a way out if I can do something, but the reason I need it may be the very reason I can't get it!! Some of this just makes you want to scream.... Seriously!

The feeling of frustration, yet not being able to do anything about it seems to be a consistent theme at the moment... And what doesn't help is feeling strangely hormonal with this all as well.... Swear I could have ripped a few heads off over the past week lol!

I just want to feel like I'm getting somewhere! The house isn't necessarily the most pressing issue, but it feels like the weight around my neck, as once I have it sorted all practical impacts on my future have been dismissed!

And then there is the rest....I know I should just forget and move forward, and I am trying.... Got several options being juggled, some with more potential than others, and I'm just waiting to see if they turn into anything, but at the same time, even though I'm getting frustrated with myself I can't forget what I feel, even though it looks like he has moved on and found someone else... Hurts to know its yet another person he works with, and she's even younger than his previous ex.... Guess to have had any chance I needed to become younger and change jobs?

And then there is a couple of people from my past who keep trying... One is my best friends brother and the other is the first ex... He actually told me he regretted ever letting me go as other than his son I was the best thing that ever happened to him and he's still shocked I gave him a chance then, and how he is sorry he let me go... I just wish that was how someone else felt!

Even had a disagreement at work with a bloke who said that he was sure there was plenty of men out there who would be happy to be with me.... I told him it was slim pickings!!

In truth, I found the imperfect one who was perfect for me, I just wasn't enough, and I guess being with someone is the one thing I am a failure at? I'll just have to become a crazy cat lady (even though I don't like cats!!)

Just been having strange dreams the last few nights... Think worrying about money, things going on at work, people who are never far from my thought, have just been melting together into this weird combination of 'the day after tomorrow' meets 'independence day' type dreams!

Wonder what will come out the pot tonight? Hopefully the winning lottery numbers!!

Snow where

Quiet day today... just sorting things out, getting things tidied up. You know what they say, tidy home, tidy mind.... not sure how true that is but I'll give it a try!


Waiting to see if we get snow now, but in the mean time I'm snug inside, with the heating on, the fire going and the cupboards are stocked up with food and drink, all that's missing is some one to snuggle up to!


People often talk about what they have lost, and sat here by myself it's hard not to think about things too much (a habit I know I have) but I guess it's just sad that I've got this far through my life and I can say that no-one ever regrets losing me.... doesn't really say much about me does it? Not to have anyone care that much about me?


Finding people to take an interest has never been too much of a problem... I mean even now there are 3 or 4 who are interested, but so far I've kept most of them at arms distance, all I've done is meet them away from home for drinks and such, only one has actually made it to seeing me here.... but don't know if I'm prepared to go more than that, been hurt before by doing that, and at the moment I don't think my heart is ready either as it belongs somewhere else, yet I know it's not wanted there.... it's my problem and I've got to figure it out!

TAWT.... or is it the other way round?

I don't know about anyone else but this has been one hell of a looooong week!!


I do wonder sometimes though how many people just take me for a twat? I think a lot of time there is confusion between being decent and people taking the piss.... and for the record I do actually know the difference, I have dealt with enough arse holes to be able to spot the majority of them several paces off!! 


This time last week I was upset because my friend from back home had lost her fight against ovarian cancer..... she was only about 10/12 years older than me, and it just seems so sad as she has a family... and I just feel so bad that I'd not managed to catch up with her as much as I wanted.... now I won't get the chance :'(


The bloke caught me to speak to when I was upset last week and ended up leaving his night out, and the hotel he was supposed to be staying in, and coming over to me..... and that's something that actually meant a lot, probably more than he realised, as not many people would do that....guess i just felt guilty that he did that and he probably just thinks I'm an idiot! I probably just ended up ruining his chances of hooking up with one of the young girls from his office?


Then this week just kept on crushing me, no matter how I tried to stop it! First there was knob head and his completely unreasonable expectations.... it just really pushed my button and I ended up in a foul mood, something that rarely happens to me like that!


And then there is the fact that I am just over one week after pay day and I'm back down to having to watch the pennies as I still feel the effects of xmas. And I have munch's birthday next month to pay for.... not sure how i'll manage that!!! In the past I was used to getting a bonus next month, which has always meant as long as I could limp over the line I was ok, but I haven't got that this year so got to figure out how i survive! 


Guess I could not eat? 


To be honest the way I'm feeling at the moment I don't really feel like eating much anyway. I have this constant knot in my stomach that means I just feel bleurgh any way, maybe I just use that to my advantage????? Either that or I just survive on beans on toast?


Got to meet at the bank this week, but I know I'm not going to be able to walk out of there getting knobhead out my life, and I just don't know how I can dig myself out of this? I'm really trying but it just doesn't seem to make progress fast enough..... well i've told work I'll have a pinch point sometime this year so lets see how serious they actually are about wanting to keep me? Pay rise would always be good.....


I'm trying so hard to get sorted but it just feels like one step forward and two steps back at times.... and the fact that I'm not exactly the most rational person doesn't help! I can't get what I want, even though at the most basic level what I want isn't complicated..... I get told one thing by a lot of people but the reality is never the same.... hope and reality are opposite ends of the scale!


"I’m a girl. I overreact. I underestimate. I overestimate. I over think everything. I dream big. And when I say I love you, I’m not lying."

today....

Today i have been in one major grump of a mood.... think last nights email is still at the back of my mind and i'm just so annoyed..... so apologies to anyone that may have been at the short end of my mood today!


It doesn't happen often but I do know i have been grumpy today!!!!


Tomorrow is another day, and my photo's are in so i get to pick them up... should be good!

Quotes....

Just a few I like.....

"I miss how we used to talk every minute of every day and how I was able to tell you everything that was on my mind. I miss our conversations"


"I don't understand our relationship. Sometimes we're friends, sometimes we're more than friends and sometimes I'm just a stranger to you"


"Being in a long term relationship means having to get REALLY good at forgiving someone"


"I let you go, now I'm just hoping you come back"


"Never expect. Never assume. Never ask. And never demand. Just let it be. If it's meant to be, it WILL happen"


"I'm the type of girl who can be so hurt but still look at you and smile, and is willing to brighten your day even if i can't brighten my own"


"When a girl tells you about her problems, it does not mean that she’s complaining, it means she trusts you."

Tony the tiger returns

Had a good night out with work peep, nice food, lots of laughs and it's different as it was the project team I was out with rather than just the usual few.... variety is good!!


Shame it has been tarnished by the fact that my blood is actually boiling at the moment.... you ever get that angry you actually feel your insides twist up and you feel physically sick? That's how the email I got off knob head this evening has made me feel!!!!


As much as I get annoyed its very rare for me to get this worked up over something but this has really pushed my button. I showed the email to Betsy as I wanted to get another opinion, as I am aware I may have been reading it in a completely wrong way, but in her words 'he is a complete douche bag that doesn't deserve what he has'.


I know people say there is a fine line between hate and love as they are the opposite sides of the same feeling.... but I can honestly say I do actually hate him these days! 
I used the think that at one point in time I had loved him, but looking back at what we had I don't think I ever really loved him, not truly, as what I felt for him was nothing in comparison to what I have felt since him. 


I don't really regret being with him as I have the munch from it, but I do regret wasting so much time on him when I knew I shouldn't have, and should have left the first time I tried.... and I hate the fact that he still gets opportunity to wind me up like he has tonight. I don't even think that all of this is necessarily done intentionally now, it's just his own sheer stupidity and ignorance that astound me (and others!)


Think I am floating between anger and sickness!!!!!!


It makes me miss those people that I care about, and I know care bout me even more.....


Trust... one word, so hard to do once you've been burnt by it being broken before.