As the new year looms in and i look back this year has been a roller coaster for me.
The first half the year was great, it's been the end of it that has been a bit shite if i'm honest. I've been trying to balance myself out but sometimes it's easier said than done, and emotions cause a lot of problems... christmas this year has been on my mind for a long time and i think i was just dreading it for so long, and then there is just all the other stuff with work and home going on.
I know what i wish i can have out of 2012, there's nothing complicated or huge in there but a lot of it is out of my control..... i guess you could say i have a few options, whether they come to anything who knows.... I also know which option i would like, and again it's that's out of my control....
Lack of control is not something i deal with well, have always been a bit of a control freak i guess. Just hope people realise that the freak in me can be a little crazy at times but is worth hanging in for the ride.... i hope that my pluses outweigh my negatives?!?!
Friday, 30 December 2011
love on top
Heard this on the radio in the way to work today, and i really like the song.
There's a couple of lines in here that echoes what i think..... but which ones i'll keep to myself ;0)
Instead i've copied all the lyrics below..... enjoy x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzzq4XQinb4
Bring the beat in!
Honey, honey
I can see the stars all the way from here
Can't you see the glow on the window pane?
I can feel the sun whenever you're near
Every time you touch me I just melt away
Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears
And finally you put me first
Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.
Ooo! Come on Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.
Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.
My love on top.
Come on Baby
I can feel the wind whipping past my face.
As we dance the night away.
Boy your lips taste like a night of champagne.
As I kiss you again, and again, and again and again.
Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears.
And finally you put me first.
Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.
Ooo! Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.
Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.
Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I that always calls.
When I need you baby everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top.
Baby.You're the one I love.
Baby You're all I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I always call.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
Baby You're the one that I need.
You're the only one I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
There's a couple of lines in here that echoes what i think..... but which ones i'll keep to myself ;0)
Instead i've copied all the lyrics below..... enjoy x
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vzzq4XQinb4
Bring the beat in!
Honey, honey
I can see the stars all the way from here
Can't you see the glow on the window pane?
I can feel the sun whenever you're near
Every time you touch me I just melt away
Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears
And finally you put me first
Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.
Ooo! Come on Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.
Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.
My love on top.
Come on Baby
I can feel the wind whipping past my face.
As we dance the night away.
Boy your lips taste like a night of champagne.
As I kiss you again, and again, and again and again.
Now everybody asks me why I'm smiling out from ear to ear.
(They say love hurts)
But I know
(It's gonna take the real work)
Nothing's perfect, but it's worth it after fighting through my fears.
And finally you put me first.
Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I can always call.
When I need you make everything stop.
Finally you put my love on top.
Ooo! Baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
You put my love on top.
Ooo Ooo! Come on baby.
You put my love on top, top, top, top, top.
My love on top.
Baby it's you.
You're the one I love.
You're the one I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I that always calls.
When I need you baby everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top.
Baby.You're the one I love.
Baby You're all I need.
You're the only one I see.
Come on baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one I always call.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
You're the one that I need.
You're the only thing I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
Baby.
Cuz You're the one that I love.
Baby You're the one that I need.
You're the only one I see.
Baby baby it's you.
You're the one that gives your all.
You're the one that always calls.
When I need you everything stops.
Finally you put my love on top
Monday, 26 December 2011
Free Bird
Listened to this covered by a band when i was out Christmas eve.... I'd never heard it before but i like the song so i thought I'd share the original
http://www.youtube.com/watch?src_vid=v4Yz7zIfJmY&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_104540&v=VX3cbFJ3lYU
http://www.youtube.com/watch?src_vid=v4Yz7zIfJmY&feature=iv&annotation_id=annotation_104540&v=VX3cbFJ3lYU
Done!!
Well that's Christmas done, i made it through not having munch for it and there was a few tears (well quite a lot to be fair but I'm an emotional wreck at the best of times), and Christmas wasn't the same at all this year, but it's over and I'm damned if I'm doing that next year....
Now i just have get through the next hurdle and that's another one that hurts me to the core as i can't see it is the right thing, but i also have absolutely no say in it either as it's not my decision.
I wish it was different but maybe i saw more possibilities than they did? or maybe what expect out of it is different as I've been through a really crappy relationship that looking back i should have ended 4 or 5 years before it did, but due to circumstances i didn't, and so i don't necessarily have the rose tinted glasses anymore or the idea of a Hollywood ending.... all i can hope for is that they come to the same conclusion and if they do that it's not too late.... he is my lobster :0(
Lets see if 2012 is the year i can cut the last string to the knob head possible, as the house is the last thing he can hold over me and screw me over with.... and i think once i do that, it will be such a huge relief as i can finally be free of him, or as free as i am going to be able to be until the munchkin turns 16!
Now i just have get through the next hurdle and that's another one that hurts me to the core as i can't see it is the right thing, but i also have absolutely no say in it either as it's not my decision.
I wish it was different but maybe i saw more possibilities than they did? or maybe what expect out of it is different as I've been through a really crappy relationship that looking back i should have ended 4 or 5 years before it did, but due to circumstances i didn't, and so i don't necessarily have the rose tinted glasses anymore or the idea of a Hollywood ending.... all i can hope for is that they come to the same conclusion and if they do that it's not too late.... he is my lobster :0(
Lets see if 2012 is the year i can cut the last string to the knob head possible, as the house is the last thing he can hold over me and screw me over with.... and i think once i do that, it will be such a huge relief as i can finally be free of him, or as free as i am going to be able to be until the munchkin turns 16!
Saturday, 24 December 2011
Xmas Eve
Well the day i have been dreading is here... not sure i know what to do?
How do i get through the next couple of days? Guess the same way millions of others do, trouble is I'm just lil' old me! Not sure if I'm strong enough to do it with a smile on my face though.... I am very thankful for my friends around me, i know they care and are concerned about me, but no-one can get me through this, just me... like always i am on my own, i have no-one i can rely on and know is their for me, and just me! I've never been that lucky... thought i might have been once upon a time but that was my misunderstanding.
And the other thing on my mind i just don't know what to do about... i have possibilities going forward that rules out certain things that I'm not sure I'm ready to stop fighting for! Where's the crystal ball when you need it?
Complications, baggage, pasts and futures, not sure how you separate it all?
Some people are swayed by other peoples opinions.... my trouble is i just listen to my heart and gut, which means reason and logic aren't always present!
How do i get through the next couple of days? Guess the same way millions of others do, trouble is I'm just lil' old me! Not sure if I'm strong enough to do it with a smile on my face though.... I am very thankful for my friends around me, i know they care and are concerned about me, but no-one can get me through this, just me... like always i am on my own, i have no-one i can rely on and know is their for me, and just me! I've never been that lucky... thought i might have been once upon a time but that was my misunderstanding.
And the other thing on my mind i just don't know what to do about... i have possibilities going forward that rules out certain things that I'm not sure I'm ready to stop fighting for! Where's the crystal ball when you need it?
Complications, baggage, pasts and futures, not sure how you separate it all?
Some people are swayed by other peoples opinions.... my trouble is i just listen to my heart and gut, which means reason and logic aren't always present!
Thursday, 22 December 2011
Go fly
This is just crazy.... how can i know what is best?
Never say goodbye when you still want to try. Never give up when you feel you can still take it. Never say you don’t love that person anymore when you can’t let go. It’s hard to pretend you love someone when you don’t. But it’s harder to pretend you don’t love someone when you really do.
Never say goodbye when you still want to try. Never give up when you feel you can still take it. Never say you don’t love that person anymore when you can’t let go. It’s hard to pretend you love someone when you don’t. But it’s harder to pretend you don’t love someone when you really do.
What do i do for the best? I know that there is some stuff not finished but if i am the one that says no then i would always be the one that caused a what if.... you have to let go to let the butterfly spread it's wings and just hope it will return to you one day!
But maybe the 'one day' comes to late and you've moved on yourself? It just hurts to hear everything i am at the moment but also knowing what it feels like to be on the inside as everything you hear and read isn't always the complete truth if you listen to your gut.... and so far it's never been too far from the truth!
Cogs
Had someone send me through a link today to the story I've pasted below....
I've been thinking about so much lately. This whole thing about christmas and me not having the munch has sent me in such a spin, and today just tipped me over the edge a little, as i tried to do something nice for me and munch, and yet i still got torpedoed by the knobhead ex.
I hate the fact that i still have to deal with him. I wish he was completely out my life but that isn't going to happen and so i have to decide between hurting my son or dealing with my own pain..... and as any mother will tell you, you will do ANYTHING to stop your child from hurting, something many (and i am not saying all) fathers just do not even consider.
And the cruel twist in all this is the one person i felt i could turn to is the bloke. He is the one person who has seen how much i have had to put up with and understand why i was feeling the way i was, and he is the one person i don't think would ever hurt me like that, although maybe i am completely wrong about all that? All i wanted today was to have a friend around but like most my life the one time i do need someone i am alone.
I've just had a knot the size of my fist in my stomach today, and I've felt sick all day :0(
Before the story below was sent to me i have been thinking what do i want? It's amazing what goes through your head driving for a couple of hours as you come back home, especially after the night i'd had.
Some of it seems materialistic when it's wrote down, and i don't think i am wholly that bad but deep down it's the sort of place i want to get to....
- i want my son to be healthy and happy and doing something he loves doing. I want to have a good relationship with him, and not have him think or talk about me like i do about my parents. I want him to respect me as i don't really respect my parents, especially my mom, as they both live in cloud cuckoo land
- i want to be married to my best friend. i never really thought of marriage as being something for me but to have someone stand up in front of everyone and declare that they want to be with you for the rest of their life is something that after everything i have been through would mean so much to me now. And i am not expecting perfection, or an easy ride all the time.... but having someone you know is there for you no matter what, who can give you the hug you need after a bad day, that provides you with that sense of security and safety that you get from just being near them, that understands when you are having a bad day... I want that
- i want a family. I thought i was done with all that after knobhead, but to be with someone who i feel secure enough with to add to the unit we would already have with me and munch would be great, and if i am totally honest i would love to have a little girl (but don't get me wrong little boys are great as they love their mommy's a lot)
- i want a home. I love where i live now but if i was married, where we live i would want to be ours not somewhere i got with my ex. I am proud of what i have and i'm not willing to give up all my independence, or split this house 50/50 (unless they have the same to put in), but i'd love to have a detached home, with a big(gish) garden, a garage to keep something like an audi or a merc in, 4 or 5 bedrooms so we can have people stay over, a room we could turn into a den/games room, a study... maybe even a hot tub in the garden! (I did say it sounded materialistic)
- i want a job i enjoy doing, that i can progress and learn in, and am successful in
- i want to make sure i look after myself. I don't ever want to be fat again.... and i had only got like that because of how bad knobhead had treated me and made me feel about myself.
The biggest shitter in all of this though is that i found someone i thought i could have tried having this with, but lifes a bitch and it wasn't the same for him.... i couldn't compete with the ghosts of his past, or the draw of certain people, and so now i am going to lose him out my life as he will move away and forget about me.... he probably doesn't even miss me now as he's having too much fun with them, and to be honest that hurts.
I'm trying to move on, and some of it is already complicated.... even though i am trying to keep it simple!
So some of what is below is true, some of it doesn't apply in my case.... but thought i'd copy it all as it isn't too bad a read:
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. All men are not dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him—he takes it for granted. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.
I've been thinking about so much lately. This whole thing about christmas and me not having the munch has sent me in such a spin, and today just tipped me over the edge a little, as i tried to do something nice for me and munch, and yet i still got torpedoed by the knobhead ex.
I hate the fact that i still have to deal with him. I wish he was completely out my life but that isn't going to happen and so i have to decide between hurting my son or dealing with my own pain..... and as any mother will tell you, you will do ANYTHING to stop your child from hurting, something many (and i am not saying all) fathers just do not even consider.
And the cruel twist in all this is the one person i felt i could turn to is the bloke. He is the one person who has seen how much i have had to put up with and understand why i was feeling the way i was, and he is the one person i don't think would ever hurt me like that, although maybe i am completely wrong about all that? All i wanted today was to have a friend around but like most my life the one time i do need someone i am alone.
I've just had a knot the size of my fist in my stomach today, and I've felt sick all day :0(
Before the story below was sent to me i have been thinking what do i want? It's amazing what goes through your head driving for a couple of hours as you come back home, especially after the night i'd had.
Some of it seems materialistic when it's wrote down, and i don't think i am wholly that bad but deep down it's the sort of place i want to get to....
- i want my son to be healthy and happy and doing something he loves doing. I want to have a good relationship with him, and not have him think or talk about me like i do about my parents. I want him to respect me as i don't really respect my parents, especially my mom, as they both live in cloud cuckoo land
- i want to be married to my best friend. i never really thought of marriage as being something for me but to have someone stand up in front of everyone and declare that they want to be with you for the rest of their life is something that after everything i have been through would mean so much to me now. And i am not expecting perfection, or an easy ride all the time.... but having someone you know is there for you no matter what, who can give you the hug you need after a bad day, that provides you with that sense of security and safety that you get from just being near them, that understands when you are having a bad day... I want that
- i want a family. I thought i was done with all that after knobhead, but to be with someone who i feel secure enough with to add to the unit we would already have with me and munch would be great, and if i am totally honest i would love to have a little girl (but don't get me wrong little boys are great as they love their mommy's a lot)
- i want a home. I love where i live now but if i was married, where we live i would want to be ours not somewhere i got with my ex. I am proud of what i have and i'm not willing to give up all my independence, or split this house 50/50 (unless they have the same to put in), but i'd love to have a detached home, with a big(gish) garden, a garage to keep something like an audi or a merc in, 4 or 5 bedrooms so we can have people stay over, a room we could turn into a den/games room, a study... maybe even a hot tub in the garden! (I did say it sounded materialistic)
- i want a job i enjoy doing, that i can progress and learn in, and am successful in
- i want to make sure i look after myself. I don't ever want to be fat again.... and i had only got like that because of how bad knobhead had treated me and made me feel about myself.
The biggest shitter in all of this though is that i found someone i thought i could have tried having this with, but lifes a bitch and it wasn't the same for him.... i couldn't compete with the ghosts of his past, or the draw of certain people, and so now i am going to lose him out my life as he will move away and forget about me.... he probably doesn't even miss me now as he's having too much fun with them, and to be honest that hurts.
I'm trying to move on, and some of it is already complicated.... even though i am trying to keep it simple!
So some of what is below is true, some of it doesn't apply in my case.... but thought i'd copy it all as it isn't too bad a read:
If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that’s not meant to be. Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don’t settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.
Don’t stay because you think "it will get better." You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, Why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man’s behavior. Change comes from within. Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else’s man. Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he’ll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you allow him to treat you. All men are not dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.
You need time to heal between relationships...There is nothing cute about baggage. Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to complete you. A relationship consists of two whole individuals. Look for someone complimentary, not supplementary. Dating is fun; even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes. When a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him—he takes it for granted. Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, and an entire lifetime to forget them.
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
Mushy pea
These last few days have been tough and my head now feels like a mushy pea!
The weekend started off ok.... Got the last few pieces to bring to bham, managed to wrap them all as well! Then had a few friends round Saturday night to catch up as hadn't seen double-d for a while. We got a curry in and just chatted shite really. Missed the big family 'get together' but from what I've heard since that was probably a blessing as I'm even less in the mood to deal with it than usual!!
Came back to brum Sunday and kinda regret it.... I'm not strong enough to deal with all this, the idea of Xmas and explaining to people what's happening, they get this 'look' and I'm sick of seeing it.... I don't want pity. I just want people to back the fook away from my family... All of them! I think maybe I shouldn't have come back this year?!? It's too hard
And then there is what happened tonight.... Seriously what the hell am I to make of that?
I just wish things were different, that what is blatantly obvious to most people isn't to the one that counts.... And I guess I need to figure out what I do about the texts once he's back from holiday? It's a shame as in all of this what I actually want hasn't changed one bit... But I also know I'm not good enough to compete, I never have been and I was an idiot to think I could!?!
The weekend started off ok.... Got the last few pieces to bring to bham, managed to wrap them all as well! Then had a few friends round Saturday night to catch up as hadn't seen double-d for a while. We got a curry in and just chatted shite really. Missed the big family 'get together' but from what I've heard since that was probably a blessing as I'm even less in the mood to deal with it than usual!!
Came back to brum Sunday and kinda regret it.... I'm not strong enough to deal with all this, the idea of Xmas and explaining to people what's happening, they get this 'look' and I'm sick of seeing it.... I don't want pity. I just want people to back the fook away from my family... All of them! I think maybe I shouldn't have come back this year?!? It's too hard
And then there is what happened tonight.... Seriously what the hell am I to make of that?
I just wish things were different, that what is blatantly obvious to most people isn't to the one that counts.... And I guess I need to figure out what I do about the texts once he's back from holiday? It's a shame as in all of this what I actually want hasn't changed one bit... But I also know I'm not good enough to compete, I never have been and I was an idiot to think I could!?!
Sunday, 18 December 2011
oddly oddington
Oh my, this has been an odd one.... oddly perfect, oddly unexpected, 'oddly' odd, just that....
What turned into a day, then a weekend, ended up turning into a whole week of the bloke being here, and i guess what felt odd, maybe to both of us, was that it didn't feel weird or strange really.
I think to both of us it felt comfortable and safe and to me just what home should feel like!
I think it was also good this week as he got to catch up with some of his other friends, ones who he knows himself he has been a plum about and ignored.... but it all seemed to go ok and i think everyone had a good time. I wish he would just realise exactly how many friends he does have here that care, and how many of them understand him... there are far more that 'get' him than i think he appreciates. Not saying they all know whats going on, or he'd want to share all his problems with, but people that genuinely care about him and understand the different moods he has.
I think this whole week has took him by surprise and confused him somewhat?
However I just know that though now he has gone to visit his friends in his 'favourite' place that he will forget about what he felt here and get swept up with all that is up there, the newness of it all, the fact that he can be up there and forget anyone down here, including me.... I just wish he wouldn't as i do miss him.
He has a home here, not just here with me, but with other people too.... yet i don't think anyone is ever good enough to compete with them?
I know for me that things are complicated, not just with all that has been happening with home/xmas/the rest of that suff..... and it may get a whole lot more complicated in a few days depending on what goes on during my visit home, off to visit the family and old school friends for a couple of days... i just guess i need to see if i do bump into a certain someone?!?
Then when i get back there is the whole chris thing, in amongst other bits n pieces.... including the dreaded xmas day :0/
What turned into a day, then a weekend, ended up turning into a whole week of the bloke being here, and i guess what felt odd, maybe to both of us, was that it didn't feel weird or strange really.
I think to both of us it felt comfortable and safe and to me just what home should feel like!
I think it was also good this week as he got to catch up with some of his other friends, ones who he knows himself he has been a plum about and ignored.... but it all seemed to go ok and i think everyone had a good time. I wish he would just realise exactly how many friends he does have here that care, and how many of them understand him... there are far more that 'get' him than i think he appreciates. Not saying they all know whats going on, or he'd want to share all his problems with, but people that genuinely care about him and understand the different moods he has.
I think this whole week has took him by surprise and confused him somewhat?
However I just know that though now he has gone to visit his friends in his 'favourite' place that he will forget about what he felt here and get swept up with all that is up there, the newness of it all, the fact that he can be up there and forget anyone down here, including me.... I just wish he wouldn't as i do miss him.
He has a home here, not just here with me, but with other people too.... yet i don't think anyone is ever good enough to compete with them?
I know for me that things are complicated, not just with all that has been happening with home/xmas/the rest of that suff..... and it may get a whole lot more complicated in a few days depending on what goes on during my visit home, off to visit the family and old school friends for a couple of days... i just guess i need to see if i do bump into a certain someone?!?
Then when i get back there is the whole chris thing, in amongst other bits n pieces.... including the dreaded xmas day :0/
Sunday, 11 December 2011
Count down
Well it's been an interesting week.... My birthday was Thursday so got to be a princess for the day by using the excuse 'I can't do that today as its my birthday'. Well it's only good for one day out of 365 so I'm making the most of it lol!
Had a birthday Chinese with someone who means a lot to me, and generally just chilled, so other than a few more wrinkles it was a good day!
This weekend was a girls night out that also included a pregnancy test (not mine I hasten to add!!)
It turned out negative but I think she's a bit gutted to be honest, it's been a while since I had to do one but I do remember how it messes with your head. Mine was a complete shock and although I regret who it was with to a certain degree now, I certainly never regret the munch, life's not easy at times but he is my one focus I never lose sight of.
Munch went visiting the ex's family this weekend and it still hurts to see the bint commenting on things as if Ethan is hers. I know I have to get used to the whole step mom idea, and I'm only in the same position as millions of others, but that doesn't make it sting less!!
Came back home last night a little drunk and had a epic lie in this morning recovering and just chilling.... The blokes been here to and it's just been a really nice chilled out day, a calm in amongst the storm of this month!!
Oh and I kept my promise to a friend for the first one to be before Xmas ;0)
Had a birthday Chinese with someone who means a lot to me, and generally just chilled, so other than a few more wrinkles it was a good day!
This weekend was a girls night out that also included a pregnancy test (not mine I hasten to add!!)
It turned out negative but I think she's a bit gutted to be honest, it's been a while since I had to do one but I do remember how it messes with your head. Mine was a complete shock and although I regret who it was with to a certain degree now, I certainly never regret the munch, life's not easy at times but he is my one focus I never lose sight of.
Munch went visiting the ex's family this weekend and it still hurts to see the bint commenting on things as if Ethan is hers. I know I have to get used to the whole step mom idea, and I'm only in the same position as millions of others, but that doesn't make it sting less!!
Came back home last night a little drunk and had a epic lie in this morning recovering and just chilling.... The blokes been here to and it's just been a really nice chilled out day, a calm in amongst the storm of this month!!
Oh and I kept my promise to a friend for the first one to be before Xmas ;0)
Monday, 5 December 2011
if carlsbourg made weekends....
Guess December really has started now..... The xmas tree and decorations went up to today, although it's a little sad this year as i know that munch won't be coming down xmas morning to see the presents under it.
It's been a good weekend. Went out Saturday night for some pre-birthday drinks, starting off down the German market in town and then we just headed on from there. It was really nice as it's seemed like ages since everybody has been out together as everyone always seems so busy these days.... even the bloke came out, and i do know that he did that for me, and that it wasn't easy for him..... i think he was worried what type of reaction he would get off my friends. I don't think he actually appreciated the fact that they know we are still friends and that regardless, they do still think he is a good person.... and i think that he thought he would just get hassle/cold shoulder/ evil looks, and hopefully he had a good time as that didn't happen. We all just had a good laugh, a pretty good chilled out night and even a small ass shaking on the dance floor lol!
And today was nice just to have a lazy one, lying in bed till late in the morning, snuggling up and chatting.... cuppa's, bacon sarnies and old Friends re-runs.... it just felt nice and relaxed and normal and...... not sure how else to describe it?
Once munch had come home with his lunch (seriously though 3pm for lunch is a bit late, but typical of the knob-head!) had to do a McD's run, best hangover/post night our drinking food! And we just lay around with the fire going and watching Hook.
Finally, got round to putting the tree as well, sending my child into hyper-excited mode! I think the only thing missing from making it an almost perfect weekend was having someone here to split a mulled wine with after, and hunker down to watch more trashy films, instead it's just been me and some more of the ER boxset.
It's been a good weekend. Went out Saturday night for some pre-birthday drinks, starting off down the German market in town and then we just headed on from there. It was really nice as it's seemed like ages since everybody has been out together as everyone always seems so busy these days.... even the bloke came out, and i do know that he did that for me, and that it wasn't easy for him..... i think he was worried what type of reaction he would get off my friends. I don't think he actually appreciated the fact that they know we are still friends and that regardless, they do still think he is a good person.... and i think that he thought he would just get hassle/cold shoulder/ evil looks, and hopefully he had a good time as that didn't happen. We all just had a good laugh, a pretty good chilled out night and even a small ass shaking on the dance floor lol!
And today was nice just to have a lazy one, lying in bed till late in the morning, snuggling up and chatting.... cuppa's, bacon sarnies and old Friends re-runs.... it just felt nice and relaxed and normal and...... not sure how else to describe it?
Once munch had come home with his lunch (seriously though 3pm for lunch is a bit late, but typical of the knob-head!) had to do a McD's run, best hangover/post night our drinking food! And we just lay around with the fire going and watching Hook.
Finally, got round to putting the tree as well, sending my child into hyper-excited mode! I think the only thing missing from making it an almost perfect weekend was having someone here to split a mulled wine with after, and hunker down to watch more trashy films, instead it's just been me and some more of the ER boxset.
Friday, 2 December 2011
one week count down...
Been suffering a bit today after a night on the vino last night with the neighbour lol! We had a good giggle together but i didn't quite realise how much we'd managed to drink until i stood up.... don't remember going to bed, found the phone in the washing basket this morning and i've somehow hurt my hip/leg/bum!
Guess it's all practice as I'm on the count down now to my birthday. Today was my last Thursday of being 32 today.... and it's all a bit weird to be honest.
Normally this is the time of year when i start getting that little feeling of excitement and anticipation as my birthday is coming up, followed by christmas... but it's all a bit of an anti-climax this year, as it just doesn't feel like i have anything to look forward to really, i don't get to spend this time with the people i want to :0(
So yes, xmas is just one day but it is still getting to me, my birthday is just one day but i am going to end up being in by myself on it once munch has gone to bed.... generally i have done all the hard work, the giving, the putting myself second yet someone else gets to play happy families with my son (and yes i do actually realise it's also his son but he is selfish and his saying has always been look after number 1, even over his own child).
It's always the little things that affect me the most, always has been, which is why i guess i must come across as completely nutty sometimes.
The little things can just be subtle differences and often people don't get that, many have a habit of seeing things in black and white, and not the shades of grey. It is, or it isn't... you do or you don't.... you should or you shouldn't?!?
No-one has all the answers but people assume they know me more than they ever do or will!
Maybe that's why i'm alone? I'm just a nutcase no-one wants? Too much baggage for someone to see past? All that happens is i get replaced by an easier version... someone younger who doesn't have as much of a past?
Guess it's all practice as I'm on the count down now to my birthday. Today was my last Thursday of being 32 today.... and it's all a bit weird to be honest.
Normally this is the time of year when i start getting that little feeling of excitement and anticipation as my birthday is coming up, followed by christmas... but it's all a bit of an anti-climax this year, as it just doesn't feel like i have anything to look forward to really, i don't get to spend this time with the people i want to :0(
So yes, xmas is just one day but it is still getting to me, my birthday is just one day but i am going to end up being in by myself on it once munch has gone to bed.... generally i have done all the hard work, the giving, the putting myself second yet someone else gets to play happy families with my son (and yes i do actually realise it's also his son but he is selfish and his saying has always been look after number 1, even over his own child).
It's always the little things that affect me the most, always has been, which is why i guess i must come across as completely nutty sometimes.
The little things can just be subtle differences and often people don't get that, many have a habit of seeing things in black and white, and not the shades of grey. It is, or it isn't... you do or you don't.... you should or you shouldn't?!?
No-one has all the answers but people assume they know me more than they ever do or will!
Maybe that's why i'm alone? I'm just a nutcase no-one wants? Too much baggage for someone to see past? All that happens is i get replaced by an easier version... someone younger who doesn't have as much of a past?
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)