Where's Hercules when you need him

Do you get those days when you just feel beaten down by everything? I'm shattered at the moment.... 


I'm running around like a blue arsed fly at the moment, dropping munch off at school, picking him up and trying to deal with everything going on at work at the moment. There are people there that are incapable of doing their job and so I'm left picking up the slack at the moment, along with the having to justify everything I am doing because the external consultants are in, watching everyone, trying to cut costs!


Got to school today to find munch in tears, second time this week because he's missing his dad.... why he's missing the knob head I don't know? Given some of the stuff he's saying though I think it's more than that and the wedding over the weekend has obviously affected him. I just hate seeing him like this and being powerless to fix it - what kind of parent am I when I can't make my son feel better?


And I know that the last few weeks have been hard, a lot of my old insecurities have got stirred up, ones I've tried to get over, but then again no matter how much you heal, the scars are still there! 
I've just been feeling crap about myself ..... One ex couldn't stand being with me so he went out and got a replacement, and another one that I just wasn't good enough for.... so I'm no good for dick heads and I'm not good enough for decent blokes, so it doesn't do much for your self esteem.... but it can work wonders for the waist line as when I can't control what is going on in life my appetite disappears! 


I'm just fed up of being told I'm strong.... I know this is just a blip and I'll get passed it but I do wish that sometimes, rather than being the one who has to be the strong one, I've got someone there who can be strong for me, just for a little while, just to take the pressure off so I can find my centre again. Everyone needs support at some point, and with work, home and everything colliding at the moment there just feels like too many plates to keep spinning at the moment, I need to breathe for just a minute! I need my Hercules to turn up and help!!


I guess that it's just the usual case that people have trouble seeing that what they had was actually good and they only ever realise when it's too late.... what they think they are looking for is something they had before, and that's when regret kicks in... I know I have a lot of what people wish they did.... munch, a house... but this little family I have I would be willing to share completely for the right person, but if I don't think you are then there is no hope in getting in.... Had a few try over the past few months but not interested in them.... I've always followed gut instinct and I always will.... Even with my wobbles (which will happen again) I know what it is I want!


If you are lucky enough to get a second chance at something, don't waste it. Walls are sometimes put up, not to keep people out but to see who cares enough to knock them down. 


Life is too short to be anything other than happy really, you just have to realize that what is in front of you is sometimes exactly what you need and it's not thinking that it is always about finding the perfect ending as it is more about what is perfect for you, and that by default means there will also be flaws you deal with to. 


If you can find someone to laugh with, cry with or just sit in silence with, then they're the one to keep hold of! Life is like a coin.... you can spend it anyway you wish but you can only spend it once!

Can you see me?

Feeling very invisible at the moment at home and at work..... do I shout louder or is silence more deafening?

Maybe I really am that insignificant? I know that I feel sometimes that no matter what I do, its not right.... Like Munch coming back from the knob heads wedding having been given a new digital camera. The one I bought him the other Xmas is obviously not good enough! 

I get fed up sometimes as being seen as always the sensible one, that has to do all the grown up stuff.... I know I do that because I have to but I also have a lighter side to me.... Coming in at 4:30am each morning, teasing and playing with the bloke, flirting with toblerone at work and Mikey, just having a bit of a giggle.... That feels more like the real me than the serious person, just I don't get the chance to leave the serious one behind for too long!

I do think about just selling up and moving somewhere completely new sometimes, but the practicality of doing that is harder as I'd never give up my custody of munch, and it's not fair to just uproot him on a whim! If I had a reason to move elsewhere then it would be something to talk to him about, but until then (or if it ever happened) I wouldn't put that thought in Munch's head.

Already had tears the past day or so, think the wedding, tiredness and just the realisation finally hit him..... maybe it would be the same if the situation was reversed? I don't know, the only thing I can judge what munch was like was how he was with the bloke when he lived here, and as much as the bloke probably didn't like the lack of 'me' time that you get with a kid in the house I do know Munch loved having him here.... it was never a case of trying to replace his dad, more like he gained an older brother type character that he could mess around with and have tease him..... and to me that is the right way to go? Shame this type of thing doesn't come with a manual, someone could make a fortune if they came up with one!! Lol - marketing idea *winner*

Am I surplus now?

This weekend has been hard.... the run up this week has been difficult but I had a major wobble on Friday, even ended up getting my mascara down the shirt of some poor bloke who had only met me that night! (he was a friend of a friend so at least it wasn't a completely random stranger I guess)


It's hard to explain and I know its completely irrational, even to me, but no matter how much you tell yourself that it doesn't change how you FEEL! 


I think the idea that in the grand scheme of things, after this weekend I just felt completely surplus to requirements was something I couldn't just shake off on Friday..... After the weekend munch has a step mother, as well as his dad to make up a complete family unit and what do I offer? 
Just me who can't give him attention because I'm busy working trying to keep the roof over our head, or end up so tired at the end of the day I don't get chance to always sit there and find out how is day was, what he was up to at school.... I know I'm his mother and I'm not going to be replaced, but it just didn't stop how i felt Friday, like I was just surplus to requirements now! 


I think what also didn't helped it just having all the other weddings going on over this weekend and next, just made feel more like a failure as I just must be unlovable.... All I want is the simple things- home, family, someone who will be there for me not matter how good or bad things might be, and who I can do the same for as life is about what you give as well as what you take.


I've said before I have my own set of crazy, and this weekend just brought some of it out.... And one of the few people who I can talk to and has been there for me over the past year, I haven't had around to talk to..... he was here and saw me crumble the last time the crazy came out like this on Xmas eve!


Apart from the wobble I did have a fairly good weekend. Went out Friday and Saturday night and rolled in after 4am both times. Had some random silliness and giggles just chatting to friends in the pub and even bumped in to Mikey who haven't seen in ages! Was quite good as he works the door of one of the clubs so he let me and all the people i was with in for free.... benefits of knowing the staff I guess :0)


Saturday went and held the hand of a friend while they got a tattoo... and I do mean that in the literal sense as well! She squeezed it like crazy to start with too.... ouch!!
Today had Dawn and yazz over for a bit of an impromptu BBQ as it seemed such a shame to let the nice weather go to waste!


Did have to listen to some of the wedding talk though when Munch got dropped back by the grandparents. He had got given a digital camera by his great Aunts friend and that had some pictures on it.... and the one small bit of pleasure I did get, other than the fact I knew his dad would have been cooking trussed up like a turkey, is the fact that the wedding dress was awful and she still looked like a dog on her wedding day! 


Think I am just missing having people round at the moment... But at least it's just a three day week at work now and next week. I just have the fun of doing both ends of the school run this week as the knob head wasn't considerate enough to organise any sort of childcare while hes off on honeymoon number one, and then the week after is half term!

Kapow!

Bad day.... Could have easily just quit my job and walked out today!


Big Joe is out tonight, but even he will have trouble making things better..... One of those days that left me so wiped I couldn't even be bothered to eat!!


Sometimes it would be good to hear a friend at the end of the phone.... But all I am feeling at the moment is alone! Still not loads to look forward to this weekend, just really wish I could get away from it all....

some people!!

This week is definitely an up and down one, and I don't think I am the only one having this kind of week... 


Monday was a bad day, kind of all over the place really, yesterday wasn't too bad... think being busy helped. Plus I actually switched off and unwound in the evening as the bloke came round and we had a couple of drinks in the garden as the weather was so nice, and grabbed some Chinese.


This morning was pretty good too lol! Think I just then have got a little frustrated as the day has gone on!


Some people just get worked up over the wrong things..... One of the blokes friends, who I'm friends with as well, just won't let it go about not being invited to the moop wedding! 


Think what started her off was someone she had plans with on Saturday that got a last minute invite and so can't go out with her now as originally planned, so I ended up getting the texts that said she doesn't understand why she's been purposely excluded as everyone else has an invite?! Then I got the part where, at one time she was supposed to be a bridesmaid, but now she's not even invited..... I think her  bloke even ended up sending them an email giving them an earful from which ever jungle he's currently in.


I don't understand why some people get such a bee in their bonnet over things?
Whatever happened between all of them happened before I knew them so for a start, I'm not interested in even getting involved in that part of the discussion! I like them all, they are all really nice people but there's obviously something gone on, but that can stay between them!


Plus, the thing about being a bridesmaid? As far as I know there are a lot of females that say to friends they'd have them as a bridesmaid if they ever get married..... when (if) that ever happens you can't hold passing comments as true.... Or is that just the way I see it?


Plus she seems to forget I'm not invited either!! 
I was supposed to be going but I assumed that offer didn't stand anymore when me and the bloke broke up..... Don't get me wrong, it would have been great to still go and see them on their big day, but I also guess that the bloke wouldn't want me there, and they wouldn't have said the invite still stood as they are his friends really, not mine, not in that way.....and they wouldn't have wanted him to be uncomfortable but I do hope they saw from when I was up on his birthday weekend that we're good together and are still friends... Its a shame as this weekend it would have been good to have that to look forward to as I could have done with the distraction from the other wedding going on, and the timing with munch being away for it worked out, but you know what they say about the best laid plans and all that!!


There are more things to worry about that not being someones bridesmaid. I'm just trying to keep busy so I don't think about the things I'm feeling about myself this week.... nothing like a double whammy to make you feel like that I really do have something wrong with me, that makes those I care about not care about me.... or maybe that's not the right way to phrase it? I know that in one case he does actually care, there was/is just something else but I have my own thoughts on that still.


All I can say is I never really hide the way I feel about anything from those people I trust, whether that it a good thing or not? But at the same time I'm not as stupid as people think I am sometimes, so I'm not sat round waiting on a 'what if' either! I've learnt over time that there are people that lie to others and people that just lie to themselves. The first type of people are the ones I never trust and never really see the real me, but the second type see me for me but just can't see themselves the way I do, and that's a shame most the time! 


Anyway think I should head off to bed now, going to ache in the morning as I've been digging in the garden this evening and laying more turf down as it got a little cooler. The garden is getting there, but still need more turf, the garden is obviously bigger than i thought! 


Wish I had the same kind of rub tonight as I did last night as it would certainly help the sore back!!

Rollercoasters

This week could be a bit of a roller coaster I think! 


Three weddings happening over the next two weeks, one I'm off to for the day and evening, one I would have loved to go to but won't be now because of the circumstances and I was always the +1, and then one I wouldn't want to attend even if you paid me! Then there is the next round, someone coming into work today having gotten engaged while they were on holiday


Think its just been one of those days today I guess.... it's hard to stop wondering what is so wrong with me? I didn't think I what I want is overly complicated but obviously I have a major personality flaw? 

The Notebook

You never fall in love with a person. 
You always fall in love with their personality...
This is what others fail to understand when you say you are in LOVE 


The more and more I spend time with you, the more and more I realize I am doing the one thing I told myself I would never do again... 


When a girl is silent, she's either over-thinking, tired of waiting, falling apart, crying inside, or all of the above.


Just remember that when nobody else was there for you, I was, and when nobody else gave a damn, I did


Go for someone who is not only proud to have you, but will also take every risk and chance just to be with you.


When i ask you to listen to a song, it's because the lyrics mean everything i am trying to say to you 


The smile does not always mean that you are happy...Sometimes it means that you are strong enough to smile when you are sad


People who are meant to be together will always find their way back to each other. They make take detours in life, but they're never lost

Give us a rub!

Well this has certainly been one long and interesting week...... 


It's been a week of nerves, highs and being able to finally draw a line under some things that have stressed me out for three years! And THAT is a very good feeling to finally be able to experience! 
I guess I always want certain things, or rather I know what things I want, but most times you can't say anything because they are always down to choices outside what I control.... and no matter how much you will for things to happen, you have to let the decisions come in their own?


However everything finally got completed, so now my home is my own (and so is the debt that goes with it!) but it means the knob head has no way of getting his hands on it now, he can't write a debt against it and he can't use it to threaten me into doing anything. 


Only piece now tying me and him together is munch... and he will soon be of the age where he decides what type of contact he has with his dad, and I don't think the ex appreciates that over the next year or so his relationship with munch might change quite a lot as he moves up to big school?


Also went to weymouth with one of my old school friends and her daughter. It was nice to get away and have a break, even the weather came good for the little road trip holiday :0)


We walked along the beach Saturday all the way to the harbour and back.... worked it out to be about 9 miles, and my legs can certainly vouch for that now! My calf muscles are aching today. If I sit still for too long I look like a right cripple getting up and trying to move around, at least for a few minutes lol! Managed to knacker the kids and ourselves out though I think!! Really could do with an all over massage about now though..... ease the pain in the legs and in my shoulders as don't think I'm used to soooo much walking in one go..... anyone know someone free to give me a rub?


While we was there we made sure we got to eat our chips on the beach, and the kids spent a few hours playing on the beach.... they seemed to love just being able to throw stones in the sea?!?


It was nice going to Weymouth as last time I went there was before I had munch, so over 11 years! We also stayed in a caravan which was a really weird experience, think the last one i slept in was holidays with my parents, so I must have been about 13 or so.... It was fun though, like camping indoors..... 


Munch was looking through some of the video clips on his phone while we was there, and came across some from last year, there was a couple he'd took of his cousins and some of the bloke wearing the flower garland, as well as a few unflattering ones he'd managed to take of me... think i might see if I can delete them when he's asleep ;0)


Guess this weekend was the type I wish I could also share with other people.... the caravan opposite had a party (although tbh by my standards it was VERY quiet) so it would be good to be able to do similar things with my friends sometimes.... but also it's the type of things I'd love to do with someone as a family as it's great to just get away and change the scenery for the weekend!

Eek!

It's here! The day I finally complete on my house and get to draw the big fat line under a lot of the worries I've had for the past three years.....


Fingers crossed it all goes through ok, no last minute hitches! 


I've felt slightly sick all night and never really ate anything tonight, mainly because of nerves I think..... I know it's stupid to feel like this as it's straight forward really, just need to pinch myself I guess and stop being such a twat...lol! 


Keep everything crossed for me, cut of the rabbits foot, eat the four leaf clover!

SCREAM!

Today I have felt my patience levels falling and my frustration levels rise! It's annoying as it is one of those days if individually the problems had happened, it would have been mildly annoying but I could deal with it, but it just kept coming today! 
Are you allowed to bash peoples heads together at work or does HR look down on that type of management technique?


On the upside I have a completion date on my mortgage of the 17/05 so the light at the end of the tunnel is so close now..... lets just keep fingers crossed!!


Betsy came over tonight and we cooked, as one of the things she misses is just plain simple food.... living in hotels does have a downside I guess?! She just listened to me whinge for a while in return for some pasta and sauce lol! (well every meal has its price.....)


Guess all I really wanted by the end of today is a simple bear hug.... sometimes its not a case of wanting anything complicated, or anybody to fix something, a simple act of human interaction is all that is required to give you that deep breathe so you can then just carry on shit shovelling! 
Some people give better hugs than others, and I know who's I prefer lol!

.... the hangover caught up!

You can run from the hangover but it always gets you eventually! lol


Well great weekends are usually followed by a good old fashioned hangover and today was no exception in the end, as it kicked in this afternoon.


Went to Bristol this weekend to go out with the bloke and some of his friends there to celebrate his birthday.... did wonder whether it would be a little odd there, as in his own words earlier this week, he didn't know what we were and I didn't want to go up and make anything awkward for him or them, but as it turned out, it ended up being a really good night. It was nice to see all the Bristol lot, as it's been a while, and I know I won't get to see them at the wedding anymore as I'm not the +1 these days, so was good to catch up before hand.


We all just went out down to a couple of the local bars and drank a few bottles of wine, sat on some random toadstools placed on astro turf on top of a pub?!? Standard stuff really.....Lol!


We finished off the night with ordering pizza when we got back to the flat but by then I think I just had a bite of a chicken nugget and fell asleep! I don't really 'do' food when I'm drunk, which to be honest I'm guessing isn't a bad thing judging by the dodgy stuff some people end up eating while under the influence....


Don't actually remember everyone going off to bed, but by the sounds of it they fell asleep on the settee as well, so don't feel quite like such a lightweight now haha!   


Bristol seems like a nice place and it was good to go out somewhere different as it made it seem like more of a break which is what I needed this weekend..... 


It's strange as the place keeps coming up for different reasons, everyone seems to know someone who lives there, with work I know there are a lot of accounts around there and Swindon way that my company have, as the bossman has to keep going up recently! 
Well, at least if I do ever decide to go mobile it's good to know there are accounts to go to... it's like contracting but without the hassle of having to find your own work! I don't think I have the guts to go contracting as I don't want the instability.... And with munchkin it makes it a bit harder to travel, although in the future who knows? I'm not against travelling, I'd even consider moving if it made sense to, but I obviously have more than me to consider if I ever went down that route.


At least I managed to do something productive with today, regardless of hanging slightly... as I took advantage of the sun and cut the grass out front and back. This time properly though with strimmers and everything.... looking back though maybe doing it in flip flops wasn't my best plan! I ended up with green toes, and given how clumsy I can be I'm surprised I still have all my digits! 


Well better get to bed as I really do need to get up on time, munch starts his S.A.T's this week, so I really need to make the effort to get him to school on time for them!! First time for everything? A week of being on time? We'll see........ 

What took you so long?

Don't get me wrong, I love long weekends so having the bank holiday this week was great.... I had a really nice chilled out time, with some good drinks and good company.


However the downside is always then going back to a four day week at work, where people still expect you to do the same amount as you do in five days, so all the good work of the weekend is quickly undone!


This week has been horrible - had to tell someone we was releasing them from the account, and it is mainly down to the bullying problem I've had to deal with, only to listen to them beg for a second chance as soon as they get me alone. 


Then I've had someone else hand in their notice which leaves me with a whole set of problems to have to work through now, and then today the grandad of the department collapsed in the office and we had to call an ambulance, that really was not a nice experience at all and kind of screwed up everyone's productivity today!! 


At least I managed to do one thing I needed to today, got my dress for the McScholes wedding...not the cheapest dress I could have brought so guess I need to wear it a few times to get the cost per wear down and feel les guilty lol! 


Oh well, looking forward to this weekend as it's shaping up to look like being a good one, going out and celebrating the blokes birthday tomorrow night with a few of his friends and generally I'm just trying to unwind again before the rat race starts again!!

Guilty weekends

Well I must admit this weekend has been a bit of a lazy one..... guess if I had really thought about it I could have done more, especially as it was a three day weekend, but to be honest, after how busy work has been the last few weeks, and the stress of it all, not doing very much was actually quite nice! 


I was in the wars a bit though on Saturday as I'd manage to do something to my big toe on the Friday. Not sure what I did, but I haven't felt pain like it for a long time, it woke me up on Friday night as just the weight of the bed covers hurt it and the pain was so bad it started to make me feel sick :0(


Munch was at his dad's this Saturday night so finally had some peace and quiet, some time where I didn't have to worry about he was and what he was up to..... instead I finally got to chill out properly and watch films, eat take away and drink (a few bottles) of wine! (that was over a couple of days before I start sounding like an alcoholic lol) 


The bloke came round to pick up his post and ended up staying around as well this weekend. It was really quite nice to just hang out with him, chat, giggle and generally just be a little silly.... he does make me laugh sometimes! 
It's just nice sometimes to  have someone who will play and twiddle my hair for me, to snuggle up to and share a bag of chips n dips with while watching a film or two, especially as it's been so bloomin' cold and miserable this week..... what HAS happened to the sun? Last year was a heatwave, this year frosticles!!


I did manage to take Munch to see The Avengers today though so I haven't been completely lazy.... it was pretty good, with some funny one liners in it! Definitely rated in order of hotness - Thor, Hawkeye, Captain America and then Iron Man!!


Well guess I should head off to bed now and get ready to face the week ahead.... bed is definitely going be a bit colder tonight though!

Silence is golden

We've all heard that saying haven't we? 


Silence is golden..... Well it really is true! Think back over your day, over your week....


When can you honestly say you've heard.... absolutely nothing? Silence? Between the crowds in the office, the crowds in town, traffic, radio, TV, mobile phones, Internet.... when do you get chance to just lie there and listen to absolutely nothing?


I did it today when I got in from work. Munch was with his dad for tea so the house was empty. So I came in, and rather than turn on the TV or the computer I lay on the settee for a few minutes, closed my eyes and just listened to nothing for a few minutes. Well it's not absolute dead silence as you get to hear the noises you don't normally hear..... noises of the house moving around you, the birds singing outside, the neighbours moving around in their house..... but it was just nice to take that breather from the day.


It was needed too as this week has been painful! 


There's been the normal busyness that seems to have become common place these days, but also the constant battles with people who are supposed to be working towards the same overall goal as you, yet the only concern they actually have is covering their own arses so when it does (and i mean does, not if) hit the fan they can be Teflon don with any blame that is aimed at them!


But this week I've also just wanted to bash some peoples heads together and tell them to grow up.... having to deal with 'staff' issues where if I showed HR what i have it would result in both being sacked has not been my high light of the week. 


It doesn't help that from what I can tell the majority of the problems comes from their cultural ways. They are both Indian and the fact that one is a feisty, independent, westernised, Indian female is really not going down well with the more traditional Indian male. Having to go carefully to ensure that whatever decisions i make comes from fact and i can back up, rather than a 'i think' place, which may then cause me problems.


And I am sat here dealing with this and left wondering why it is some people assume they know what is best for another person? Its not just these two, so many times I come across people who, good or bad intentions, assume they know what is better for someone else.... I've even had it done to me!


I can't speak about other people but I know that I can look after myself and so I don't need someone to come and take care of things for me, at home or at work..... however that doesn't mean I don't want help, or don't appreciate it when I get help. There's a difference between knowing you can do something alone and having to do something alone!! 


I mean there are things at work, that if I am given the time I can do it all, but to have someone come in and pick up a few of the tasks, even if they are the easier to do just time consuming ones, it's great and such a big help.


The same goes for home, I can do most things and don't expect someone to come in and do everything for me, but if, for example,  I do the housework but they vac or clean the bathroom (which is the job i hate most) it's great! 


The little things someone might do, that doesn't take time or even cost very much wins far more points with me than a grand gesture would!


Anyway, I'm going to go listen to the silence in bed again and wait for the sandman to pay a visit


Night!