Sat here by myself, not sure if i i should actually write what's going on at the moment.... does creating the words make things better or worse? I wish someone could tell me.....
What to say? Where to start? If you've read any of my other posts you'll know things are very up and down for me at the moment...... I guess i just don't know what to do next or where to go....
I love my bloke to pieces, but at the moment that doesn't seem to be enough and there isn't anything i can do about it, which for someone who likes to be in control of my life and fix things that aren't right, isn't where i am comfortable being!
At the moment he isn't happy in himself.
He says it's nothing to do with me and there isn't anything more i can do, but i'm not sure.... i've been thinking about it and i know that he has put up a lot of barriers to stop himself from getting hurt, many of these before we even met.... and now with things changing in his life, and the people he is close to moving on in their own lives, i think he has begun to question his own, and now with me in there it means he is questioning being with me. I think he has protected himself for so long from getting hurt he has forgotten how to feel happy, as opening yourself up to that also opens yourself up to the potential of getting hurt again.
How do i show him that i know things aren't easy at the moment for us but i'm in it for the long haul if he is and i know i have to take rough with the smooth..... i may seem fragile but i am a lot tougher than i look...... and the thing is i know that when it is good between us it is great and worth every minute
I'm so scared at the moment i am going to lose one of the best things that has happened to me, either because he has decided i'm not for him and I can't give him whatever it is he feels he is missing at the moment, or because at some point he will walk away from me because he knows that at the moment i am getting upset over this and he thinks that by leaving me will mean it will stop me from hurting..... thing is i know that it won't!
For the past few weeks i've been left wondering if i have been the rebound.... whether he is completely over his past as, like me, he still has his ex in his life. I won't lie, it completely vexes me that he still seems to do whatever she wants.... i'm not completely niave to think that he can cut her out and i wouldn't want him to do that if they are still friends, but there are boundaries that to me are crossed and it makes me uncomfortable.... i still feel that if his ex said she wanted to give it another chance with him he'd leave me..... i mean how do i compete? I'm a 30 something single mother with a whole load of baggage compared to 22 year old with no responsibilities who can go out down the pub whenever the mood takes..... i've already been left once by someone who i thought cared about me.... for them to go to someone younger and more care free, why wouldn't it happen again?
I'm not perfect and i know that if you asked the bloke what annoys him about me the fact that i'm overly emotional, that he feels like he can't talk to me for fear of upsetting me and the fact that i still let my ex have far too much control would probably be up there..... thing is situations differ and for me i HAVE to put up with a lot of shit from my ex, because if i don't then i'm not the one who ultimately suffers, my son is..... and i would rather me have all the pain in the world than him to ever hurt for one day.
I truly hope that we can work things out as he really does mean the world to me..... he's not perfect but then again no-one is as perfection doesn't exist, and we could be so good together if he let me in more, rather than keeping me seperate from other areas of his life
Happiness isn't a destination, its a journey!
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