Broken wings

You go through life looking at what you see around you, on TV, in the movies.... and get sucked into believing that what happens here is real life. Hate to tell you this but it's a complete lie!

I so wish it wasn't as i would love to believe that fairy tale and happy ever after but if i'm honest i don't think it ever has or ever will exist, at least not for me! Whether this is my fault or not i'm still yet to work out and i so wish i felt different, and if i write down what i have it sounds like on the whole things should be perfect.... everyone accepts that you can't get to my age and not to have any baggage, i mean i know i have mine which i struggle against daily, but on the whole i should be happy with my lot... i have a son (who apart from the early teenage strops) is a good kid, i have a job i enjoy (most the time), i have a home that is mine and of my own making. And most of all i have someone in my life i love and adore..... and there in lies the problem as i don't know how much this is reciprocated?

It has been said "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."


I thought i had got through most of this as i have had my life completely fall apart yet i've stayed strong and i have proved i am a survivor, and i thought now i had reached the point where the 'better things had fallen together' ... but now i'm not sure what i have.

I mean what do you do when the one person you love seems to be unhappy? Do you set them free so they can leave you behind and find out what it is they need to fill that gap? I think if i do that i will truly be broken, but is me being broken better than them being unhappy?

At the moment i do truly feel like a bird with a broken wing as the person i love and should be bringing joy to i seem to be only bringing unhappiness at the moment.... i can't fill the gap they have or heal them, that is something they have to do themselves, and standing by and watching the people you love in pain is the hardest thing to do.

I wish i could just talk about it, but i can't do that without being emotional, and that just feels like i'm blackmailing the other person.... and if they aren't willing to open up to me then will i get anywhere anyway????
So i will do what i always do.... hold my chin up high, try to hold a smile on my face and hope in my heart that everything i am  thinking at the moment is just my own demons and paranoia  haunting me, not a sign of things to come.

This is the only place i can write what i feel without repercussions as i'm not doing this for the world to sympathise with me.... but just for a place where i can write things down, as sometimes it is actually theraputic. Seeing your words and woe's in print can help you gain a bit of perspective sometimes and maybe things aren't quite as they feel then?

I had a friend tonight telling me about the book 'Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars' and so much of what she has said is me down to a T.
Basically we (females) are crazy ass emotional wrecks who will eventually sort themselves out but just need a little bit of understanding and support along the way, men are the old 'me protector'  but need to be independant as well..... so basically we're all screwed , just the other sex need to understand why and they will get through it, and actually as so many of us are like that, it's part of the norm!

Life sucks sometime.... and that's the part Hollywood never tells you!!