Ship ahoy

Well back to work today :0(

Had a really nice day yesterday though to finish off my week off as we went to the submarine museum. We walked around one of the old subs, talked to a couple of the old guys that used to work on the submarines and had a look around the museum and played with some of the interactive kids things..... It's amazing what you find on your doorstep really as i've lived down here nearly 13 years and never been!

After the museum we went to a pub and had a few drinks in the sun, had some lunch/tea before making our way back home and just chilling for the evening.

What was so nice was everyone was so chilled and seemed happy..... and other than having to tell the munchkin to shut up a few times when his verbal diarrhea got too much, it was just a very good day spent with the people i love. And trust me, after the weekend i had it was just what the doctor ordered, as i got into a big row with the ex..... Now i need to see when i can meet him up one lunchtime to talk about it. Thing is, if he just did what he was supposed to, and stuck to what he said then there wouldn't be a problem!!

Oh well no doubt there will be more about that later in the week :0/

Have a good day and hope it's a chilled out and happy one for everyone x

Definitions...

Ok here's one for you.... What is cheating to you? And I'm talking about the sort you do on another person, not the sort where you cheat on a test.

I'm aware the definition differs depending on who you talk to and what their previous experiences are.... Is cheating just sex with another person and anything else falls in a grey area? And if so does that have to be physical sex or does the stuff done on web cams also count?

To me it is sharing acts / pictures / conversations that should be saved for the one your with. I get flirting, that is pretty harmless, but where does it cross the line from something that is a little bit of fun to dangerous ground?

Now I know I have had some of my views tainted by my past where I found my ex had visited dogging sites, web sites for those looking to have affairs, threesomes and more escort sites than I care to think about.... This is when I felt cheated on, and that was before I found a prostitutes phone number in his pocket, or the fact that he had gone that step further and started a full blown affair with someone he met on a night out!! So yep I definitely have issues around some of the stuff out there

I get the fact that blokes look at nude women given a nano second of a chance, but when looking at the sort of stuff that is out there becomes something that is done rather than interacting with real life people, that is when personally I start feeling shut out...

And to be honest I am just hurt at the moment, as I've just seen what someone I thought cared about me has been saying to women on the web.... Seeing them say that they're sad this missed the sex cam and think they are hot, stings me to there core as it just brings back too many painful memories....

Maybe i'm more overly sensitive as they used to tell me they loved me, but now can't say the words to me anymore because they don't know if they do actually love me, makes me either think they lied to me to start with, or I've done something to make them change their mind?

I can't say any of this to them because I either just get upset, which isn't good as it just feels like emotional blackmail, and I don't want to talk about it in case it feels like I'm pressuring for something, but mainly I can't because I'm so scared I'm going to lose something important to me

Whichever way I turn at the moment I'm screwed! I'm just so cross with myself for letting my walls down to allow me to love someone new, and open myself to all this sort of stuff as well..... but i guess if you don't try it's only a life half  lived, and that is just a waste of your life.... i suppose you can argue that the greater the chance of happiness you also have the flip side of the greater the chance of pain too?

*sigh*

Just keep swimming....just keep swimming, swimming, swimming......

I think i may actually survive the school holidays as so far we're all still alive, so think i may actually manage the whole week lol!


After the lovely start we had on monday the typical british curse hit and it started raining tuesday, so that turned out to be a quietish day.... Took the munchkin to the cinema, and although i did try and talk him into seeing something more grown up like Super 8  or Rise of the Planet of the Apes, guess what we ended up seeing? Cars 2..... good job i don't mind disney!!
Went to Selsey yesterday to visit my god daughter as i thought it was a good excuse to get out the house and go do something a little different.... although i wasn't sure where we'd end up where we was supposed to though with my sense of direction. Was a nice day, the sun shone and we had a BBQ for lunch mmmm (and i only took a wrong turn once so the twat nav didn't do to bad a job!). Mind you today is back to the crappy british weather again, yep you guessed it.... it's wet :o(  


Actually the weather might have been really shitty tuesday but i had a nice day. Got to spend some time with the munchkin, got to relax and read a bit, and best of all got to spend time chilling with the bloke watching my ER dvd's.... sometimes it's just having the little things that mean the most and i'm a sucker for snuggling up on the sofa..... even if it's just sitting near each other and having your feet intertwine, it's all good! Wonder if i'll have the same type of night tonight? I hope so as i think i could do with someone just wrapping me up and telling me it will all be ok.


It actually dawned on me last night what this week is, and in some 'full moon' type way could explain a little as to why i have felt as i have. This week has been significant in my life on three separate occasions.


Firstly seven years ago today i took one of the biggest steps into being a grown up (and having the huge debt that goes with it) as i got the keys to my first house..... ok, might not sound too much to some people, but when you think of the debt and responsibility that goes with it and the fact that i am solely responsible for it all now then to me it feels significant!


Secondly it's two years ago yesterday that i broke up with my ex after finding all the internet exchanges between him and the thing he was cheating on me with.... and when i confronted him he bare faced lied to me about it all saying they were only 'friends'.... looking back at what he put me through, how badly he treated me for months leading up to that point, then it really is no wonder that sometimes i have issues and find it hard to believe that someone would actually want to be with me, as my ex broke my confidence so badly that it's still not back completely!


And, saving the best for last, it was this time last year that me and the bloke got together properly really.... we don't really have an official anniversary (and maybe that's done on purpose by him so he doesn't ever have to remember a date.... after all blokes don't do dates lol). I gave him an anniversary card on the 10th July as that was the date we first met, but it is a year ago this week where i had my friend visiting and so as he couldn't come round we was constantly texting, and it ended in a rather strange but great phone call which lasted for a couple of hours, and i got passed around 5 or 6 of his friends i'd never actually met to talk to...... sometimes i miss those days, the ones where you text each other just to see how the other one is and to let them know you are thinking about them, or when you get the random email at work with song lyrics on them just so they can let you know they are missing you...... one of the downsides of moving in together is the fact that you very quickly become familiar and part of the everyday routine and so the little gestures like that quickly disappear as the honeymoon period ends *sigh* 


I love the little gestures, and i don't necessarily mean bunches of flowers and chocolates type.... just the little things that are unprompted, but let you know that there is someone out there who has your back......


Well guess i'd better crack on and deal with the rest of the week, i have food shopping and a boiler getting serviced today.... jealous? lol. 


Hope you have a good one!

Holibobs

It's finally here!! A week off.... a break from the chaos of work!


Not really got much planned for this week, but that's not necessarily a bad thing as sometimes it's nice just to do what you feel that day, and to be honest i haven't really got loads of money to spend as unfortunately pay day is now the end of the week, rather that the beginning of the week like it had originally been when i booked the time off.


So far I've been lucky, all the forecasts have said rain but today has been lovely sun. I took the munchkin into town to get a McDonald's then we went up the common to the play area and was throwing sticks around.... doesn't sound much but i realise that there are only going to be another couple of years where he will do that with his old mom before he becomes too grown up.... time really is going to fast sometimes.


Keeping my fingers crossed that the weather stays like this though as it would be great to do a bank holiday BBQ, it almost marks the end of summer then (not that we've really had one).....have a few friends round, a few drinks and some laughs!


Guess i ought to go and cut the jungle of the front grass whilst it is dry as you can never tell what tomorrow brings.... i just want sunshine yet lately there's been more than a fair share of clouds and storms!


Have a fab Monday xx

Is it the journey or the destination?

Sat here by myself, not sure if i i should actually write what's going on at the moment.... does creating the words make things better or worse? I wish someone could tell me.....


What to say? Where to start? If you've read any of my other posts you'll know things are very up and down for me at the moment...... I guess i just don't know what to do next or where to go.... 


I love my bloke to pieces, but at the moment that doesn't seem to be enough and there isn't anything i can do about it, which for someone who likes to be in control of my life and fix things that aren't right, isn't where i am comfortable being!


At the moment he isn't happy in himself. 
He says it's nothing to do with me and there isn't anything more i can do, but i'm not sure.... i've been thinking about it and i know that he has put up a lot of barriers to stop himself from getting hurt, many of these before we even met.... and now with things changing in his life, and the people he is close to moving on in their own lives, i think he has begun to question his own, and now with me in there it means he is questioning being with me. I think he has protected himself for so long from getting hurt he has forgotten how to feel happy, as opening yourself up to that also opens yourself  up to the potential of getting hurt again.
How do i show him that i know things aren't easy at the moment for us but i'm in it for the long haul if he is and i know i have to take rough with the smooth..... i may seem fragile but i am a lot tougher than i look...... and the thing is i know that when it is good between us it is great and worth every minute


I'm so scared at the moment i am going to lose one of the best things that has happened to me, either because he has decided i'm not for him and I can't give him whatever it is he feels he is missing at the moment, or because at some point he will walk away from me because he knows that at the moment i am getting upset over this and he thinks that by leaving me will mean it will stop me from hurting..... thing is i know that it won't!


For the past few weeks i've been left wondering if i have been the rebound.... whether he is completely over his past as, like me, he still has his ex in his life. I won't lie, it completely vexes me that he still seems to do whatever she wants.... i'm not completely niave to think that he can cut her out and i wouldn't want him to do that if they are still friends, but there are boundaries that to me are crossed and it makes me uncomfortable.... i still feel that if his ex said she wanted to give it another chance with him he'd leave me..... i mean how do i compete? I'm a 30 something single mother with a whole load of baggage compared to 22 year old with no responsibilities who can go out down the pub whenever the mood takes..... i've already been left once by someone who i thought cared about me.... for them to go to someone younger and more care free, why wouldn't it happen again?


 I'm not perfect and i know that if you asked the bloke what annoys him about me the fact that i'm overly emotional, that he feels like he can't talk to me for fear of upsetting me and the fact that i still let my ex have far too much control would probably be up there..... thing is situations differ and for me i HAVE to put up with a lot of shit from my ex, because if i don't then i'm not the one who ultimately suffers, my son is..... and i would rather me have all the pain in the world than him to ever hurt for one day.


I truly hope that we can work things out as he really does mean the world to me..... he's not perfect but then again no-one is as perfection doesn't exist, and we could be so good together if he let me in more, rather than keeping me seperate from other areas of his life


Happiness isn't a destination, its a journey!

Tony the Tiger says ggggrrrrr!

back on the wheel again.... usual chaos at work, nothing ever really changes so at least now it doesn't take me by surprise!


Weekend was pretty good, went out for a meal down Poppadom Express with the bloke.... I ate more than I should have then we walked up through town going to a few pubs on the way. We bumped into some of the blokes work peeps, and so for once I wasn't kept separate from his friends which was really nice, although i'm guessing that at this wasn't planned there wasn't really much choice in the matter, just wish that this would be a conscience choice sometimes as it hurts to always be shut out!!


Am feeling like i need to have a computer chip installed though at the moment before i get taken notice of..... it feels as though i'm in competition with the PC or the phone at the moment... i understand a lot of blokes like playing on the computer, and i admit i'm a bit of a facebook junkie at times, but it does sometimes get to the point where i feel like i could just disappear and it would be hours before it got noticed!! 


Sometimes this modern age is not all it's cracked up to be as people lose the ability to actually communicate face to face. I'm probably just as guilty in some ways as it's only on here i'm really saying some of the stuff that goes on inside my head.... some of it's because i'm scared to say stuff out loud, and some of it is because i know i'm overly paranoid and sensitive, and so by putting in down in words it stops me completely losing the plot..... i wish i could actually completely trust someone so i could say these type of things to a real person rather than the cyber-world but so far i don't feel there with anyone yet...... Maybe one day i'll get there?!?!

and breathe....

The weekend is finally here. We're off out into town in a bit for a bite to eat.... not sure the bloke is up for it too much but i hate spending the weekend that i can actually go out without having a child around, stuck indoors doing the same thing i do for the rest of the week..... it might be hard for some people to understand but it is one of the things that upsets me still, feeling like i have wasted one of the few precious free weekends i have, especially when people take theirs for granted, and enjoying nights out when i can't, as it just makes me feel like i'm not good enough for them as they only seems happy on nights out when i'm not there!

Other than that today has been relatively chilled.... other than a few slaps in the face from our pasts....
I know we all have histories but i hate having it there in cold hard format, especially when i don't think the past is always in the past for some people..... My history is very much that, i know that, but i don't know if other people's history is the same or if it still lurks there in the shadow's of the present, with them unable to completely let go which means they are prevented from going forward. From the outside looking in sometimes it seems if their past says jump, they just say how high, and i'm just forgotten.........

Bed bugs

It's been a mare of a week and it's been rounded off by me spending most of tonight alone while the bloke has played on the computer... Typical!

Just when it would have been nice to be around someone he goes off into his cave (to use an expression from a book...) Mind you why should I be surprised as it's just typical of my entire life that in the moments it would be nice to have someone to be around you're left alone?

Well I'm in bed (still alone) and I need sleep,so night world, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs bite.... Hopefully I won't spend the weekend alone in the crowd!

Those little words

It's amazing how three words can make you feel.... to hear i love you off your child makes you feel that all the hard times are worth it as there is someone you are suffering for, someone who is more important that yourself.

To hear it off the person you want to be with makes you feel warm inside, and make you feel like for once you are not alone, that you don't have to be brave and face the world and all it's harshness by yourself..... But for some people it's too hard to say those words, they attach to much promise to it. Rather than taking it as a snap shot of how they feel right now, they take it as they are making a promise of forever (and forever just doesn't exist!!)

I know i am cared for but if you ask me if i'm loved then that's a harder question as it depends on who you are talking about.... my son loves me, he's my little man, my little protector, but as for others? Meh
I used to hear the words off them, but now i don't..... was that the fact that they was lying to me before or have i done something to make them feel differently towards me? Not sure what i think, as they seem to be able to tell their friends they love them but not me..... guess only time will tell??

Well where ever you are hope you have someone that loves you as it's much better to share things than face this world alone, It's the riskier option as with love comes pain, but if you aren't open to it then you're in for a lonely existence
xx

Me, myself and I

It's amazing that although I have lived in my own head for 32 years, you still keep learning about yourself everyday.... I know I can quite easily be by myself but I'm much happier when I'm with friends, I know I can be an emotional wreck bit I have an inner strength that gets me thru the tough times, and I know I am too much of a control freak altho I love spontaneity!

I love hard, laugh loud and hurt instantly... And no matter what people think none of them know the entire me.... Some come close!

I think that for the first time in my life I'm near what I want, just at the moment in my own unique way I'll probably end up screwing it up somehow, all because I still think that words are important and others just can't seem to say them anymore...and I don't know what I have done that has made them change their mind?

So I'll go back to my lazy weekend before having to jump back into the craziness of Monday morning.... Try to enjoy a little of the sun now it's come out to play again and let's see where we go

Just remember life is a mystery, the rest is just history!

Boo

Had one of them days where I doubt anyone would have noticed if I was here or not. Makes me wonder if I'd be ever be missed if I just went one day or if life would just carry on without a blip?

Ponderment

I'm lying here in bed, thankful it's finally the weekend as I know how stressed I've been at work this week. It's been kinda like an out of body experience as I've felt myself getting more and more wound up, yet not been able to stop it. I think I just need to take a few deep breathes this weekend so we I go back in Monday people have a chance of keeping their heads on their shoulders!

Maybe once I have mastered that I'll also be able to figure out why I seem to cause people closest to me embarrassment as at the moment I have most definitely been put into a box that's not allowed to mix with any of the other boxes in their life, and the only reason I can think of is they're ashamed of me...especially when at the moment it's those other boxes they would rather play with

Broken wings

You go through life looking at what you see around you, on TV, in the movies.... and get sucked into believing that what happens here is real life. Hate to tell you this but it's a complete lie!

I so wish it wasn't as i would love to believe that fairy tale and happy ever after but if i'm honest i don't think it ever has or ever will exist, at least not for me! Whether this is my fault or not i'm still yet to work out and i so wish i felt different, and if i write down what i have it sounds like on the whole things should be perfect.... everyone accepts that you can't get to my age and not to have any baggage, i mean i know i have mine which i struggle against daily, but on the whole i should be happy with my lot... i have a son (who apart from the early teenage strops) is a good kid, i have a job i enjoy (most the time), i have a home that is mine and of my own making. And most of all i have someone in my life i love and adore..... and there in lies the problem as i don't know how much this is reciprocated?

It has been said "I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."


I thought i had got through most of this as i have had my life completely fall apart yet i've stayed strong and i have proved i am a survivor, and i thought now i had reached the point where the 'better things had fallen together' ... but now i'm not sure what i have.

I mean what do you do when the one person you love seems to be unhappy? Do you set them free so they can leave you behind and find out what it is they need to fill that gap? I think if i do that i will truly be broken, but is me being broken better than them being unhappy?

At the moment i do truly feel like a bird with a broken wing as the person i love and should be bringing joy to i seem to be only bringing unhappiness at the moment.... i can't fill the gap they have or heal them, that is something they have to do themselves, and standing by and watching the people you love in pain is the hardest thing to do.

I wish i could just talk about it, but i can't do that without being emotional, and that just feels like i'm blackmailing the other person.... and if they aren't willing to open up to me then will i get anywhere anyway????
So i will do what i always do.... hold my chin up high, try to hold a smile on my face and hope in my heart that everything i am  thinking at the moment is just my own demons and paranoia  haunting me, not a sign of things to come.

This is the only place i can write what i feel without repercussions as i'm not doing this for the world to sympathise with me.... but just for a place where i can write things down, as sometimes it is actually theraputic. Seeing your words and woe's in print can help you gain a bit of perspective sometimes and maybe things aren't quite as they feel then?

I had a friend tonight telling me about the book 'Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars' and so much of what she has said is me down to a T.
Basically we (females) are crazy ass emotional wrecks who will eventually sort themselves out but just need a little bit of understanding and support along the way, men are the old 'me protector'  but need to be independant as well..... so basically we're all screwed , just the other sex need to understand why and they will get through it, and actually as so many of us are like that, it's part of the norm!

Life sucks sometime.... and that's the part Hollywood never tells you!!

department/compartment

Why do i get compartmentalized by people round me?
Why is it people try to keep parts of their life completely separate?

Am I that much of an embarrassment? Or is it more they have something to hide?

It's almost like being on safari and until you get to see people in their different natural habitats then it's hard to know how much you can trust them or how real they are when they are around you..... and trust is something that can take an age to build up yet only seconds to destroy.... as the saying goes 'fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me' and i never intend to be fooled twice!!

Life on film

Am I the only one who thinks Hollywood ruins real life as it distorts what we think we should have with what we really do have?
Whatever happened to being swept off your feet, or the big romantic gestures? What we see is so far from what real life really is no wonder we're all screwed....

oh man, it's monday already?

why is it the weekends go so quickly?

had a good one this weekend. Went to a Mint Tea Boutique party on friday... basically an excuse for a bunch of women to get together, drink, chat and spend a little money. Brought a couple of lanterns for the garden and probably ate a few too many of the nibbles (mind you that did end up being my tea so don't feel too guilty... and it's not like i didn't leave anything for anyone else either)

Saturday was a long overdue girls night out....it's so hard getting people together these days, especially now we don't all work together. We drank vodka out of vases (or at least that's what they looked like), went to a club which seemed to have a height restriction for blokes... so many of them we're my height, and i ain't that tall!
Then we headed down to Cafe Parfait (which we no have to say like a council estate bird) where i got numerous drinks spilt down me and some random bloke telling me i had great hair and stroking it... strange! Think the oddballs always find me out lol!

Sunday, my boy got dropped back early (typical of his dad as he also picked him up late on saturday) so we just chilled for the day listening to some tunes and then had an impromptu BBQ with the McSchole's. And best of all i got to snuggle up to the bloke on the settee and the end of the night.

I've think i've realised how much of a social person i am.... i so much prefer being round people, to just generally chat and hang out.... Don't get me wrong, i am fine with my own company, but i much prefer being around people... well i did have ten years of pretty much being by myself every night so i think i may have filled my quota already.

oh well suppose i better get ready to tackle the week at work, hope yours is a good one too!