One more day!

Can you feel it? The weekend is almost here!


I swear this week has been stretched out! Mainly because at work the bits we've been testing for the last few weeks has been coming to the point where things needs to be signed off, and everyone is doing the usual headless chicken routine, but I guess having this weekend to look forward to has also made the time seem to drag!


I don't think my phone has been used so much as it has this week.... starting to burn my ear on it lol! Well get to see him Saturday, see how things go..... So far its looking promising, we're getting on great, quite happy to take the piss out of each other and the like!


We're out Saturday night for my friends birthday..... Meet in one of the bars in town then move onto a club where she's reserved the VIP area, which is great as it means we'll have somewhere to rest the aching feet....I think it's all lining up to be a tip-top weekend overall!


Few other strange bits have been going on as well with a couple of people at work.... some of it I'm trying to figure out if the little old female intuition is twitching or if I'm reading the situation wrong? Easy to assume one thing I guess so not jumping to any conclusion!!


Had to put on of the blokes friends back in box as well yesterday. It's one thing saying hi, and asking how things are going, but when he said he was more a man of action rather than words, and asked me what action I was after...... :0/
Told him I'd let his girlfriend deal with that type of action , he actually asked me if I would want to mess with him if he was single!? I feel sorry for his girlfriend as she deserves better than that.... and I told him that no i wasn't interested, even if he was single!!


Some people call themselves friends but they have a strange concept of what that means!! 


I have some friends which only ever get in touch when they want something, and have never made the effort to travel down from Birmingham to visit, over the last few years I've learnt to accept that really, they're more acquaintances now than friends. 
And there are the friends that you got on fabulously with and you both understand each other, but for some reason (usually the influence of someone else) they stop a lot of the contact all of a sudden. Maybe they do it out of guilt or awkwardness towards me? Or out of guilt because someone views it different to what it really is? 


I came across a quote - "Best friends are people you know you don't have to talk to every single day, but when you do its as if you didn't ever stop talking"


I try to tell Munch to enjoy the friends he has now, as although you get told this as a kid you never believe it, but you never have as many friends as you did when you was at school. 
It takes effort from people on both sides when you are grown up, and the enduring friendships are the ones you have worked at..... True friends are hard to find so never give them up for anyone, no man/woman/child.dog! 

Haunted

It's amazing how sometimes you can be skipping your way through the day quite merrily, then one thing, one random thing, happens and you have an old memory resurface and hit you like a tonne of bricks, completely knocking you off your stride..... 

Had one of those yesterday and all I was doing was just reading a book! Nothing related to what had happened to me but in a nano second there was that feeling and it transported me back, making me feel like absolute shit if I'm honest! 

The feeling that I got just took me back to that moment, stood at my front door as I closed it having said good bye to the munch as he went to spend Xmas eve and Xmas day with his dad. 

There have been very few times in my life when I have felt that way, I think I may have actually felt my heart break a little, I'm surprised no one heard the crack! I think I'd have fell to the floor there and then if the bloke hadn't been there to hold me up! 

It's those moments that defines who you're friends are, as friends are the ones that hold you up when you can't hold yourself up.

I don't know what I would have done that Xmas if he hadn't been there with me when munch left, or Mcscholes hadn't offered to have me join their Xmas eve tradition and go out with them, offering me a place to stay that night so I didn't wake up Xmas day alone!

Luckily these flashed only happen occasionally, but they act as a reminder that no matter how wounds heal, there are always scars left behind....

50 Shades of Me

My my my, how things can change over the space of a few weeks.... And I'm not saying it's a bad thing at all!


Everything in my head is still a bit topsy turvy but to be honest, I think that is how I always am and how I will always be! 


I have learnt that I am a mixture of things.... I am open with people, yet I'm closed off, I trust far more than I should, yet I don't trust at all.... and above all I am probably far too honest when other people struggle with hearing it, as they can't be honest with themselves yet alone other people?! I know who I am, what I feel about things, what my good points are and what my bad points are.... I can't see any of that changing but I also can't control it either.


So many things going on at the moment, both at work and at home. Trying to put the feelers out for new jobs at the moment as things aren't going too well where I am, nothing I'm doing wrong but just usual commercial politics, and to be honest I think I've had almost all I can stand of it.... Maybe it is time to move on? 


I contacted my old boss as I know they have roles going where he is, and I always have the option of contracting as a last resort, but I think the scariest things is jumping out of something that suits my life at the moment into something which means I need to travel further..... that might happen anyway if we lose the account we're on at the moment anyway, but is that a reason not to? I think the part that scares me the most is having to rely on the knobhead to do more for munch without holding it over me. I absolutely HATE the fact he can have any power or influence in my life..... and he forgets how easy he has it now.... he assumes that this is the standard and so any more he has to give he makes me pay.... it exhausts me completely sometimes, so much more than anyone ever gets, as it is always that part hanging over you, a gnawing worry that there is no-one I can rely on in this world but knowing I have someone relying on me.... Guess I just need to decide what to do? Stay or go, then work out the details from there?




On the good side, the text I had this morning that made me smile completely, as I haven't had one like that in a long while and it was a nice feeling to have:0) 
Hopefully they continue as men are great at doing things like that at the start but somewhere along the line they forget, or just don't think they have to make that type of effort anymore? I used to have them before, and I don't think the sender had ever realised how good they made me feel, I just don't know exactly when things there changed that meant they stopped?


I am really looking forward to this upcoming weekend now though. I'm not expecting anything yet as its early stages and I'm not rushing into anything but he's already said that he knows if we were to work out it would mean him moving here, and I think from the conversation last night he'd quite look forward to that, not just because of us, but for the change of scenery and the opportunities it would mean for him.....


The bloke also called today. Hoping that we can catch up this week too. It was odd as talking to him was comfortable and normal, think I've missed some of that over the last couple of weeks with everything going on, as he's always been able to give me a balanced view of whats going on. I hope he's found what he needs with this new gf.


This rest of this weekend has been pretty quiet and chilled as I had the munch. Took him to the new Sea Museum which opened in town, mainly because we had tickets to get in free, but its always worth going to these things at least once even when they're on your own doorstep. It was ok, we mucked about taking pictures of us dressing up in the victorian clothes, and most importantly he seemed to enjoy it. 


It'll be weird in a few weeks when he's gone for the week and I can't speak to him, because as much as he can annoy me sometimes I miss the noise and distraction when he's gone. Last year the bloke was around, but this year I'm going to be totally alone..... Have arranged to stay at a friends one night that week so I can go pub mid week (for a change), and Betsy is back from Cape Town so we can have date night.


The other thing that has kept me amused this weekend is Mr Grey.... Started reading the '50 shades of Grey' books as wanted to see what all the hype was about..... erm interesting! It's kind of a cross between Judy Blume, Mills & Boon and a S&M manual, with characters that brood like the Twilight characters.... some of the bits are actually pretty hot!! Lets just say this weekend there maybe some interesting side effects coming out if things go to plan.... and I don't think he's complaning!! Lol


Right, time to hit the hay so to speak..... get ready for another one of those weeks at work. Hopefully I won't have to dish out the level of bollockings I did last week as I have never had to go to that level of telling off before. And monday I have a meeting with the offshore boss and my boss about.... what a way to start the week!?!


Night y'all, don't have too many saucy dreams xx mwah xx

Whats in a name?

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sarah


Just as a random bit of fun after chatting to my friend tonight, I put my name into Urban Dictionary to see what would come out..... to be fair, I hope most of what was on there people see as true as I'd like to think that even with what crazy I might have, that I also posses the qualities in these statements as well, and that people really do see me in that way.... except for the bit about music and art! I accept that bit is probably a lie as i'm tone deaf and struggle with drawing stick men!!


The link is at the top if you are interested in reading more, or maybe try your name??




the most amazing girlfriend ever she's everything a guy could ever want. she's sweet she's funny she's beautiful, she's amazing and that's why i love her. she's like the sun, without it there's no point in life


A girl who is nice sweet and very attractive! she's one of the sweetest girls you will ever meet! Shes a sexy piece of ass and you won't be able to keep your hands off her! Don't ever let her go cause once shes gone she'll never be back. Shes very trustworthy and would do anything for her friends or family. People who don't like her are little ugly whores who are jealous losers!!


A cool girl, generally pretty, smart and funny. into expressing herself through music, art, and or acting. fun to be around, and even though she may not know it, shes loved by everyone. people who hate her, either hate her for something she did or hate her out of jealousy. Shes very romantic and a little bookish, but can also be sexy when she wants to. Usually very happy/positive, unless something emotionally or mentally crusing happens.


A very beautiful woman. Too beautiful for words. Shes absolutely stunning and perfect in every way. Her beauty will never be matched. Everything about her is beautiful. She has too many great features to name all at once, but her tummy is one of the cutest things in the world. At the same time, her hair is just gorgeous. Also, she has a cutest nose in the world. There are too many features to name. Shes very strong and independent. She will always have you smiling and keep you laughing. Shes just so silly. I don't know anyone that I care about more than her. Shes truly an original. I would fight for her. I would die for her. Shes my heart, my soul, my existence. Shes my everything. Shes me best friend in the entire world and I wouldn't rather anyone else to take her place. Shes the sweetest girl with a voice that could end a war with just one sentence. I tell her everything. Either good news or bad news, shes always there to support me. Shes knows everything about me and I know everything about her. All I want to do is make her happy. Even the image of her sad breaks my heart. Shes not the type of girl that you just pick up at a bar and bring home. She'll enchant you in every way possible. She'll leave imprints on your heart that will never go away. We've had too many wonderful memories to count. I never stop thinking about her. I love her. I love everything about her. Ive never been happier. There will never be another girl like her, trust me. Shes perfect.


a beautiful, intelligent, sexy, caring, amazing girl who can roll out of bed in the morning and still pull off perfect. her smile and personality brighten my day, regardless of how bad it's been before i see her. her eyes are the color of perfectly cut emeralds. they catch every ounce of light, not to mention your attention. they are as beautiful as the soul they mirror. her lips are the softest that you will ever have the pleasure of kissing. her kiss itself is amazingly sensual, yet packs the force of a fireworks display. every time our eyes meet my heart skips a beat and i lose my breath. there really are no words to describe someone so perfect in every way, but this is the best i could do.


Usually a loud, chatty girl who is full of wit. She is never selfish and thinks of others constantly. She is a beautiful and intelligent girl with hidden talents. She's fun to be around, and although she may not know it, everyone loves her personality. She is constantly happy and optimistic unless something emotionally or mentally crushing happens. She's a very romantic and her love means a lot. A very confident person and gives great advice. Sarah is a true friend

Amazeballs indeedy

All I can say was that was a great weekend!!


The beginning of last week things were planned out then everything went tits up towards the middle of the week. Typical as it was my free weekend so I could go out.... However things ended up so much better than the original plan!! 


Met up with Andy on Saturday afternoon and had a great time.... then went out with Helen on Saturday night up town. Haven't danced or laughed that much in ages and not been chatted up like that for a while either.....and in all three places we went too! Think my naughty streak came out to play most definitely that night ;0)


Met up with a friend in town for lunch and had a good girly gossip Sunday as thankfully no hangover! 
Found out something interesting though as it looks like the blokes ex before me and her current bf have/was/are in the process of splitting up.... that could throw an interesting spanner in the works, as I was on about in the post the other day, this is 'the one' the bloke still has feelings for really, so wonder how he will feel when he finds out she's free? He's not bothered about me but does the same still hold true for her? I guess only time will tell as he likes them young, blond and welsh so it seems.... 


Tonight has really made me smile though.... spent hours catching up with Mark, as it's been a couple of years since we really spoke.... and he has the same stupid sense of humour as me. Don't think I've ever talked as much shit with someone that has made me smile.... and then the texts have been flying backwards and forwards tonight with Andy.... should be good when I see him next ;0) ;0)


Think I may lay off starting the '50 shades of grey' book though tonight after all that,  not sure  could handle it..... if the reviews of the book are right haha!!

Alive & Kicking

What can I say? This has most definitely been a weird few weeks....


I knew that some of what was going on would hit me one way or another, and the other stuff that has gone on I had a gut feeling would happen strangely enough?!


For the bits that I knew was going to happen..... I know it's been hard seeing all the wedding pictures pop up on my news feed showing munch with his dad and the bint playing happy families. I expected it, but it still hurts, not for the reasons people think, as none of it has anything to do with wanting him back, or wishing it was me instead of her.... she's welcome to him honestly as in the long run she's done me a favour.... good luck on that one actually going the distance though, plus there has been the small satisfaction on seeing even on the wedding day a dog still looked like a dog lol!  


No, I think it has more to do with the fact that when you have kids you never plan on becoming part of a statistic, but here I am, and my son is now one of millions that have a step mom.... and that's such a horrible phrase! Only one person in his life has the right to have 'mom' anywhere in the title, and that's me! I'm sure I'll get over it like everyone else does but it's just a weird feeling to explain to people.


For the bits that I guessed would happen, I suppose if I'm honest I am a little sad about it, but I am OK surprisingly enough.... I'm certainly not sat here crying myself to sleep if that's what people assume?


There are so many things I could say.... but at the end of it all, I've never changed, but I know I can't change how other people feel either!? 
I may love him to the moon and back, and I really do always want him in my life as he's a friend..... after that life is the universes decision! 


I've learnt that in this lifetime you come across only a few people who ever truly understand you, sometimes maybe better than you understand yourself...... and those are the people you don't want to let disappear out your life as they are few and far between!! 


Having someone to tell you off when you are talking crap, or to call your bluff and make you talk about the hard stuff because they know you are hiding from what you should be doing....that you know you can go and have the breakdown in front of because you are at your lowest point, and they don't judge or hold it against you or see it as any kind of weakness in you, make sure you keep them close and don't lose them as they really are few and far between!! 


Things always end up coming down to what people want! 
What they think they can find, what they think they want and whether people ever realise what's in front of their nose at the right time. Like most people I only usually ever see things with hindsight....


I guess for the odds were never in our favour when you add the fact that I had to finish off things with my past in order to be able to draw a clean line under it, having to deal with that on a daily basis mustn't have been easy.... luckily I have finally dealt with all that now! 
Last month was the turning point in regards to the knob and I feel like I have control back and that is so liberating! 
There was also things and people in his past that haunted him..... it was always there and he couldn't escape it, and I know that it was an issue, regardless of what was said, and as stupid as it might sound sometimes I think I probably got that even better than he did! 
Plus, I wasn't his usual type.... Im not blonde and I'm a lot older than he ever normally went for (although I'm not sure I want to call myself old lol!) 


I guess I just hope he finds what he's looking for and that he doesn't get taken for a ride because he's a decent person and I'd hate to think of that happening to him. 


As for me I guess I'll just have to see...... Mike's back on the scene again, messaging me like before.... And then I guess I see what happens with Andy?! I'm just letting that one unfold however it might, I'm just aware that its not always plain sailing so to speak!!


This week is a busy one.... work is shit at the moment which hasn't helped with the last couple of weeks of stress, and I can't see an end to it for a couple of months yet which is crap! 


Monday was date night with Betsy which is always good fun, especially as it's been a while since i last saw her, as she's now based in Cape Town more than the UK! 
Next door is came round last night for a cheeky vimto or two, which meant this morning was a little hard going because as usual we never stop at the one vimto lol!
Hopefully sorted out Saturday night, I'm sure that it will be a good night.... especially judging by the texts I've been getting haha! 


The bloke popped in for a coffee tonight which was good as it was nice to see him again .... I think if we do want to be friends still then we just need to get past the awkwardness and maybe we do have a few things to talk about as time goes on as there really is no handbook for any of this.... Hopefully we can catch up properly one night next week when he is free for a takeaway as still owes me one ha ha!! Regardless of the awkwardness there might be at the moment I do enjoy spending time with him and he is my main film buddy as well!! 


Got Abi is coming over for tea Friday night as we've not had a proper catch up for a few months, it's not the same now she works elsewhere, as its harder to have a gossip :0( I can get to hear all about her first break in the Bongo..... although still not sure that would be my idea of fun?!

Come Home - Lyrics

Love this song xx


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B45h2Q2SIF4&feature=relmfu


Hello world
Hope you're listening
Forgive me if I’m young
For speaking out of turn
There’s someone I’ve been missing
I think that they could be
The better half of me
They’re in the wrong place trying to make it right
But I’m tired of justifying
So I say to you..


Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
So come home
Oh


I get lost in the beauty
Of everything I see
The world ain’t half as bad
As they paint it to be
If all the sons,
All the daughters
Stopped to take it in
Well hopefully the hate subsides and the love can begin
It might start now, yeah
Well maybe I’m just dreaming out loud
Until then...


Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Oh


Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
Everything I can’t be
Is everything you should be
And that’s why I need you here
So hear this now...


Come home
Come home
Cause I’ve been waiting for you
For so long
For so long
Right now there's a war between the vanities
But all I see is you and me
The fight for you is all I’ve ever known
Ever known
So come home
Come home

I'm back like a Pheonix!

I'm not going to lie, the last few weeks have been rough! There has been so many things going on that it really has beaten me down but I think I may be back now!!


This weekend has seen a new entry on the bucket list after talking to my friends about piercings (and I'll leave that one right there for the imagination to kick in!) as well as several new 'opportunities' to explore.... lets see how they all turn out? 


I think the one thing I've slowly realised but a lot of people never do, I don't actually need anybody to be with me as I don't need them there to provide for me... I have my house, I have my job, I can buy what I need..... If I'm with someone it is because I chose to be, because I want them in my life, not need them in it.... a subtle difference a lot still never get! Being chosen to be in someones life is so much better than ever feeling like you are only there because they're scared of being by them self! 
Don't get me wrong, I don't want to be by myself..... I want to find someone to be with me as a partner, to share the good, the bad and the ugly, to have as family and as my best friend, the person that when I am with it just feels like I am home, safe!


And it's not to say that I've changed my mind about things, I still love 'him; to the moon and back again, but if he doesn't love me there's not a lot I can do about it... the door is still open but he has to be the one to decide he wants to step through it!! Or maybe the grass is really greener on the other side for him and all his problems will be solved in one easy step? That Hollywood ending really does exist?


I just hope that I don't lose one of my best friend's through all this, as the one thing I do is stick by and fight for those I care about most, and those I consider my family.... as blood has nothing to do with family really..... family are those people who are there for you no matter what highs or lows you have in your life!


Music often has a way of hitting the proverbial nail on the head and the following are just some clips (of many) that I could chose that kinda sums things up




You make me feel good,
You make me feel safe,
You make me feel like I could live another day
You make me feel good,
You make me feel safe,
You know I wouldn't have it any other way
You and me, face to face
And there's so much I could say
On these words, and forever seem the silence
Can you hear, that box bre-brea-breaking
And the world starts sha-sha-shaking
They keep talking, talking, talking
But we're walking, walking, to the light
Tonight, tonight
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syxd2n8S4AE



Sometimes I get you, Sometimes I don’t understand.
Sometimes I love you, Sometimes it's you I can't stand.
Sometimes I wanna hug you, Sometimes I wanna push you away.
Most times I wanna kiss you, Other times put you and every minute you start switching up
And you say things like, ‘ You don't give a fuck!'
Then I say, ‘I'm through with you.' Take my heart from you. And you come running after me, and, baby, I'm back with you.


Sometimes I catch you, Sometimes you get away
Sometimes I read you, Other times I’m like, ‘Where are you on the page?’
Sometimes I feel like we will be together for---ever
But you’re so complicated my heart
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=USVynyq_Y1A




R.I.P. to the girl you used to see
Her days are over, baby she's over
I decided to give you all of me
Baby come closer, baby come closer
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L1l9WST5lXM&ob=av2e



What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone
What doesn't kill you makes you fighter
Footsteps even lighter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xn676-fLq7I&ob=av2e

Syncing Issues

Not quite sure where to start with the last few days...... Not sure what to think or what I should feel really, as different parts of me are out of sync at the moment.


Guess I am just really sad that people have seemed to have moved on now.... Was I just convenient? Or was it more complicated than that? Is it more complicated??


Maybe I am putting two and two together and coming up with six instead, or maybe I'm not..... can only assume that this weekend he's gone to meet up for the bank holiday with a girl that he met at the wedding last week? Maybe it's just friends, but I think I know him better than that and I doubt it.... and she would have the added benefit of already being in with his circle of friends from Bristol, something I was never really was, reasons why I don't know?


I know what people have said and I know that when he likes someone he get very involved very fast. 
I hope that he finds happiness as he obviously didn't think he could with me in the end? I love him to the moon and back, I really do.... and it's more than just the obvious. He has been there for me so much and I guess I have put him through hell a lot, but he is also one of my best friends, one of the very few people who have ever seen the real me, properly, and I think I'm scared that I'm going to lose that too. 


The past few months have been what you could call complicated..... And either he has been a very good liar and actor, or not... I know that he cares a lot about me, even down to the fact that he's told me how he does still love me only just a few months ago! I know it was while he was drunk but  when it comes to feelings he has never said things on a whim, or drunk, that he doesn't really mean. 


I just guess I wish that he could have trusted me more with his feelings and let me be there for him when he was down, instead of him taking the decision that he felt I gave him everything and he didn't return it, that I deserved more.... I don't think he ever realised that if I felt I deserved more I would have left? He under estimated what he gave me, and that I trusted him completely and he was part of the little family we had going. I know things weren't perfect, but all he had to do was talk to me about what he wanted rather than shutting me out and trying to resolve it himself. In the same way I know I have my own imperfections and issues, I fell for the person he was (is), the whole package including all the flaws not a perfect version.


I've not been blind for the past few months. I know he's not promised me anything and I don't know if he ever realised that regardless of what I felt for him that there have been other things going on, that I haven't just been sat waiting for him to come back as I've been through this before. 


If I was interested in sleeping around I could have done so several times over, but I haven't been.... maybe he wouldn't have gave a shit about it if i had cause he doesn't care? But I have a little more respect for myself that just become another hole for a bunch of blokes that are only after one thing..... 
Maybe he wants to be one of those blokes that sleeps around? I didn't think he was that type of person but maybe I am a worse judge of character than I thought? Or maybe it's just that's what he thinks he should do as he hasn't done it when he was younger? There is a difference though between being interested in sex (with all the websites and pictures that you can find around) and becoming a man whore..... 


I just hope that whatever happens though I don't lose one of my best friends out of this, as finding those types of friendships are rare, however they may come about!!

high v low

This week really has been a mixed bag but I'm really just left broken now :0(


Had so much fun at the wedding with my friends yesterday, only to be crushed today..... Guess all men really are the same? 


They say certain things to you but they all just lie!! 


They tell you one thing really they're all just looking to sleep around, even when they're in their 30's they're trying to act like they are 17 again..... they say they're not, but they are!

Real life ends up either scaring them, or it may seem 'nice' even great, yet 'not quite what they was looking for'.... thinks half the problem is that so many of them join these websites that are there just for sex hook ups, or so they can watch a girl on the web cams.... if that's all they ever see then no wonder anything 'real' never seems right!! 


Well they'll spend so long chasing something impossible to find out one day that they most likely will have lost out on exactly what they was looking for to start with! 


There's so much more that I want to say, but I can't, or dare not! If I start I'm not sure I'd actually stop....