Simple Things

Isn't it weird that sometimes the best times you have are the ones that are least expected?


I was supposed to go visit my uni friend in Crawley this weekend, it had been planned for a month or so, but on Friday I got the message cancelling it as she wasn't feeling very well, which meant I thought that this weekend was going to be a complete wipe-out really.....


And yet, I think I've had the most chilled out weekend I've had for a while! I've missed these types of times, just being able to veg out, snuggled up to someone on the sofa, watching old films and not having to worry about too much.


I've also forgot how much I enjoy some of the simpler things..... like having someone sit there and stroke my hair and play with it.... Munch does it sometimes but its not like this was! 


Lying down on someone, where your head fits in the crook of their shoulder, so the warmth of their body is like snuggling in to a cosy hot water bottle, but also where you can hear the rhythm of their heartbeat which lulls you to sleep.... and how much easier I find it to fall to sleep like that cause it feels safe!  

Quote of the day

"Love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you."

Frustrations

Is it only me that gets frustrated at how quick time goes? So much to do and so little time! But it comes in many guises...... 


Having Munch makes time go quickly, its not long now and he has his SAT's then after that he's on his way to big school! Yet I remember dropping him off for his first day at school!! 


Meeting up with people I used to work with and then realising how long it has been since we last caught up! Or just missing people who I wish was in my life more but aren't.....I miss these people the most I think?!?


I miss being able to talk to them. Snuggling up at the end of the day. Messing around and being big kids.... The simple things, nothing complicated...... Instead I have to put up with comments of those I'm not too fussed with saying the things I wish just one person would say :0(  

Need a holiday!!

It's Saturday morning and I've not long got out of bed..... Munch may be 11 now but I still don't get a lie in really unless he's at his dad's. It's not that I have to get up with him, but having some bash and bump around doesn't really lend itself to staying asleep lol!


He seems to be ok again today..... last night he got himself all upset but couldn't (or wouldn't) tell me what was wrong. He just kept saying that he'd been having bad memories but then not telling me what they were. 
I hate it, as seeing him upset gets me upset, but I can't let him see me cry as that would just make him worse. It seems most time when it gets like this it is because he is thinking back to when me and his dad broke up and it really does break my heart to think that I have permanently damaged him in some way....... I know for me that it was the right choice as his dad is a complete waste of space and if I had stayed in the situation I was in it would have killed me inside, as being with him I was already only a shadow of the real me, but no parent ever wants to hurt their kids for the sake of their own needs really. 


Just hope it was a glitch, but I do know that even now his dad doesn't understand what I have to still deal with. And that decisions he takes for his own selfish reasons reflects back on munch and triggers off things like last night.


Guess I should crack on with the boring bits n pieces I need to do this morning... Should be meeting up with Elvis later for a coffee so that could be interesting.... see where it goes?
Then hopefully going to the cinema and a few drinks with Dan later, might also see who else is out and meet up with them for a drink?


The sun has come out now although how long it stays here I don't know, so probably leave trying to turf this weekend, although would have been great to get some more of that done..... but seeing the sun after the crappy weather this week, and some of the picture flicking through the photo frame has reminded me that this time last year we was in Majorca on holiday..... I miss those times.


Guess I could do with another holiday but it's not just where you go away to, it's also the people you go with that make a good holiday!

Funny as....

Lol! Good night with the neighbor coming round for a drink and a catch up.... Funny as fook when she fell off the door step then pissed herself laughing stood in the rain..... Not sure her husband was impressed though oops!! Mind you there might be the offer of a foursome or threesome on the table haha!
All I need now is a good sleep and a warm bear to snuggle up too.... Maybe I'll get 1 out of 2? Xx

Try, try and try again

Sat in my parents house at the moment and finally have got onto their wifi after they spent ages yesterday trying to tell me what the pass key was, or what they thought it was....  

OMG my parents and technology!! They are both one step away from just keeping their money under the bed, yet when I am trying to tell them that what they think is the password isn't working as I have typed it in and not been accepted, they almost jump down my throat as if I'm lying.... And they wonder why I don't come back very often???

Its quite sad really as although this is the house I grew up in it doesn't feel like home really anymore, just some sad place where old people live when you look round at the things my dad has done to it over the past few years pandering to my mom's hypercondricatism (that a word?).... Stair lift, mobility scooter, hand rails in the bathroom, chairs that are raised, down stairs toilet and a chair in the shower?! You would think that there are people in their 80's here, not my parents!

And when my dad goes to work like he has this morning my moms life must be so sad as really she is house bound, too scared to go out without my dad there in case she falls over or something. That's no life and I hope that I never get to that stage. That's why when people tell me off for doing stuff as my back hurts for a few days after I ask them what am I supposed to do? 

In this life once you stop doing something because it's too hard or causes you pain then you are never going to go back to doing it, and I refuse to be told I can't do something! I've learnt there are things that it is better to admit defeat on, because if I did them then someone would have to come and just re-do it, like having the bloke come round and build my steps last week..... I have learnt that being a brickie really isn't in my skill set! But that's different from not even trying.

I guess the same applies to feelings as well as physical stuff, you have to try even if it hurts? 

I know there are somethings that regardless of if it has hurt me before I would try again, because I know the pain was never done on purpose or out of spite, but has been more a case of circumstances...... 

Then there's conversation I've had a few times with one of my exes from when I was 17 about as much as I would have liked something to work I know it wouldn't! 

He's told me a few times that I was the one from him and I always would be, that I was one of the best things he ever had and that he was just stupid and young when we broke up.  

Was talking to someone I used to work with last night and he was asking how things were going, and was saying that there are people that really don't know that they let a good thing go when they let me go, as I was a lovely person and would make someone a really good wife.... and that I was also easy on the eye. LOL! 

I asked him if he had been drinking and needs glasses!

Well need to get ready, finish visiting and then I'm heading back home with munch before I go nuts (well more nuts). I can say I've done my bit and come seen every one so I should be able to go back to my life in peace for a little while again.

I love my own little home, it's my own space and means I don't have to deal with the parts of family that annoy the hell out of, just wish....... well I can only wish, as I can't do anything to make what I wish actually happen

Going the distance

Been trying to decide today if I have enough energy to go visit my family this weekend.


Not a hard task some might say, but with some of my family it is getting harder and harder to bite my tongue when every single thing they are doing I disagree with!! 
I'm not harsh, or a bitch, so I will end up and just bite my tongue, because if I actually said what I was thinking I would hurt them..... and the hurt you get from words don't heal like physical injuries.


And trust me, after the last week or so I know how the words can hurt! Why is it some people insist on treating you like an idiot, when all you have ever done is help them? It's not nice to get things thrown back in your face for no reason, to have them use the fact that I don't use or manipulate people against me. There really are some shit heads in the world!!


The other thing about going up is it is using up one of my days holidays. I do know that if I do go with munch, I am only doing one night as I don't think I can contain myself listening to my parents for two nights!!


The good thing about going up though is catching up with old friends. Being so far away that just 'popping in' isn't feasible you do find out who your true friends are, and having lived away from them for 14 years now, it's the ones who have stood the test of time and stayed true friends I really do miss.....There are other people I miss too, as it's not just the ones I grew up with, distance isn't always about a physical distance..... :0(


As munch gets older I dread the thought of him becoming distance and I really hope he never feels about me what I feel about my own parents...... I can't explain it but unless you've lived it, it is hard to explain. I know my sister feels the same about a lot of it, but she's in a more difficult position as she lives closer and does need their help in more ways.

Tap tap frog

It's been a frustrating week.... Why can't people just do what they are supposed to? Sometimes it feels like I'm working with a bunch of children!

It gets annoying when people say things just to try and make themselves appear differently to what they are.... I don't know where they get the energy from to do that! Personally, I am what I am..... I'm broken, imperfect and a little crazy at times, but I'm honest, true to myself and I'll do anything for those that I give a damn about.... At home and at work, there's no difference between the two!

Betsy came over tonight and we did Fajita's, as she's back off to cape town for three weeks Sunday. My trip there will have to be arranged for another time as knob head was being too much of a pain in the ass about it!!

Also found out he's an idiot who can't fill in forms as he said he'd had a form he'd had to redo and send back to the solicitor.... Muppet!! I just want my completion date gggrrrrr!!

Bed now as I'm sooo pooped, it took me all my energy to get off the sofa and not just sleep there.... Not sure if my back is meaning I'm not sleeping properly at the moment but I haven't felt this whacked for ages!!!

Night all x

Bye bye weekend

How come the weekends always manage to disappear so quickly? Can't believe its back to work again tomorrow.... 


The long weekend was much needed, although don't think I've yet caught up on sleep as I'm still pooped.... but what is it they say? You'll sleep when you're dead? Who needs sleep anyway lol?!


This weekend has been pretty good to be honest. 
Spent Friday doing a few bits and pieces around the house. Got busy with the old Birmingham hammer in Munch's shed, now it's at the top of the garden, trying to attach it to the base. It gets very noisy hammering in such a small space, think my ears were ringing for a little while after ;0)


The bloke came round for a curry on Friday night which was nom nom yummy (especially as it meant I wasn't cooking!) and then he spent Saturday here building my steps in the back garden. I was going to do it myself to start with but after my attempt at footings a week or two ago I thought better of it if I wanted them to stay put and not be a health and safety risk! 
I might have a go at pretty much anything once but I also know my limits and sometimes its smarter to admit defeat and get it done properly than do a piss poor job that then needs re-doing!! And anyway, the boy did a sterling job on them.... now all that's left to do at the top of the garden is to get someone in to do the decking! I'll tackle doing the turfing.....


I wasn't completely lazy though while he did the steps.... I cut the grass out the front and back, tidied up the patio area, broke down the fence panels some more, and cleaned the BBQ a bit. And since the broom is fooked, most the sweeping was done with the little hand held dustpan. Not the most efficient way of doing it lol! Need to buy a new broom me thinks!!


The BBQ Saturday evening turned out to be a good laugh. Had nine or so friends over, drinks and BBQ food as I have been celebrating the fact that the house is mine..... OK may be slightly premature in the fact that I haven't yet completed, but all the paperwork has been signed and knob head has sent his back so it shouldn't be long now, and it was just that this weekend being a bank holiday and one where I didn't have munch, it seemed to good an opportunity to pass up!
Even the bloke stayed round for the BBQ which was good, I'm glad he's had chance to see that none of my friends hold anything against him, they still like him as he's a decent bloke.... and it meant I could pay him back for helping me out by giving him a decent night out without it costing the earth!


Think everyone enjoyed playing arsonist though as the BBQ turned into a fire pit as the evening went on.... ALL the wood i had for the fireplace got burned, including the fence panels I'd broken down that day! Well it kept us all warm lol!


Sunday was spent recovering a little bit in the morning (and smelling like a burnt kipper until we'd jumped through the shower), and then operation clean up! And boy.... we could all put away the alcohol looking at the number of empties!!!


Having the bloke round this weekend was nice, not just because he had helped me out a lot by doing my building and with operation clean-up on Sunday, but it was just nice having a bit of a giggle with him...... it's just a real shame that I'm obviously not the one that makes his heart skip every time he sees me, as other than that we get on so well, in so many ways, and majority of the time, being around him to me feels like what home should be, just wish that was how he felt with me, as that's what it is all about at the end of the day...... so much starts with the head rush and butterflies but it's the substance you are left with when all that subdues (and it does) that ends up being the important part?!?! 
I guess if he does end up staying down here it will be because of someone else he has met?


Today was just spent chilling out with the munchkin. Went and got his birds nest of hair cut as his dad has been a waste of space in sorting it out. Getting his hair cut is usually something he will do, but for the past two weeks it's just been one excuse after another..... from "I forgot" (seriously how did you miss it when you look at him?) to "I couldn't afford it" (but you can afford a wedding?). Stuff him, sorted it out myself so at least he know looks like a boy again!!


Right, time to get ready for the second week of the school holidays and then things can go back to normal again then.... thank fook! 

Eggs

Half way through the craziness that is the Easter holidays..... I'm partially blaming the school holidays for why i feel so whacked at the moment. I'm soooooo ready for a long weekend!


Need to get busy with the old Birmingham screwdriver tomorrow.... well at least its therapeutic! 


Had a couple of friends come round today and helped move Munch's playhouse from the patio to the top of the garden, so it is finally where it needs to be. And it was blooming heavy!! Now just need to bash a few bits back into place and nail it to the base.


Want to try and get the steps done in the garden this weekend as well, but not sure I fancy trying to  cement them myself.... i don't seem to be too good at it from the little bits I've attempted so far, and i do want something that doesn't kill anyone, not asking for perfection, just stability!!


Other than that off out to meet up with a couple of uni friends tomorrow for lunch, and then munch is at his dad's this weekend so i properly get to chill out at last and get to see friends as celebrating the fact that the house is now MY house.... feel like I should pop open the champagne! 


Just hope all the friends that have helped me through the last couple of years get to come round and join in the celebrations too.... It's what bank holidays are for! And if it's dry then there is always the BBQ too.... in good British fashion we don't let the weather hold us back there lol!

yawn

So tired its beyond belief, can't remember last time i felt like this.... Not quite sure why I feel like this at the moment though. Things have been busy, but it seems to have hit me hard the past few weeks..... guess i could really do with a holiday about now!


Got a couple of friends coming round tomorrow night to help do some heavy lifting in the garden... I'm paying them in pizza lol! Should be good once they've moved Munch's shed though, I just then need to try and figure out how to do brick work then.... maybe someone will be able to help me with that as well.... i can pay them in food too!


Watched an odd program yesterday called the undateables.... kinda how i feel at the moment. I'm not pretty enough or good enough, maybe i ought to go down the same route?


It's not like I've got anyone wanting to stick around for me so i must have something wrong with me that makes me undateable just like the people in that program, just my faults are less visible... well to me anyway, to everyone else they seem to spot them a mile off and keep well clear!


Aaggghh told you, i need a holiday!

?

Sometimes I really do wonder, do we know what we know at all? People chase things thinking that's what they want and don't actually see what's there!

It's all fooked up!

Zzzzzz

Shattered! Think I'm suffering from a two day lag after the weekends gardening antics! Aching to buggery now!! Betsy came over for tea tonight as its the first time we've managed to catch up since she got back from cape town. Mind you had a mini lecture from her about how much I'd been doing as she knows how I suffer with my back.... But what's a girl to do? I needed it doing and I hate being limited of what I can and can't do by some stupid back thing, wrong I know but you have to do, what you have to do!?! Guess I should have logged in tonight after Betsy went but if I'm honest I just really couldn't be arsed! Need to get it done though...., too much to do, so little time! Off down the solicitors tomorrow morning, hopefully this is the last form to get signed... All this frickin hassle and I'm not even leaving the house! Time for sleep cause I'm fooked! Night y'all x

Big spoon, little spoon

Oh man! It's been a hectic week all round, think that's why I'm so bloomin' knackered now lol!

Think I've actually lost track of what day it is at the moment, and the next couple of weeks is only going to get busier as it's the Easter holidays. 

I've been trying to do some of the garden this week while the weather has been nice. Guess a bit of physical labour might have added to the general feeling of pooped now, I know my arms and back is aching from lugging bags of stones and sand around! 

To be fair, the garden could have waited, but I get so frustrated having so many little jobs just sat round waiting, I like the feeling I get from completing things rather than wasting effort thinking about doing them but not actually doing anything about it.... and there are plenty of big jobs left still to worry about! Couple of blokes from work have said they should be able to help me move Munch's shed which will be fab, as I can then start sorting out the patio properly at long last!! Seen some window baskets that hook on to a balcony normally, but going get a few to for on the fence instead and then grow some veg in them :0)

Most the problems with time though, is because everything has just gone crazy for some reason this week.... Work is busier than usual with so many things that need doing and they all need doing now! I know it always goes mad as it's tax year end for us, but this is worse than usual.

Then I'm still trying to sort out the house. Got one more form I need to take to get witnessed by a solicitor and then I think it is all done, knob head finally got his stuff signed and sent of on Thursday, still can't believe some of the stuff he was asking me about though... wasn't like I could see the forms he had, or have done this before, yet he still expected me to do some of his running round, fooking cheek of it!! Had enough of doing that shit for him when we was together so God knows why the thought I'd do it for him now?!

Did manage to chill a couple of times though this week so not been as bad as it could have been!

Went round a friends house with a few people Tuesday, where grabbed some food and took the pee out of Shaun, he really tells us some random facts about himself that can be used for blackmail at a later time lol! Like the date he managed to screw up twice.... and the fact that he loses all feeling in his left leg when he comes which means he can't have sex standing up... or the lines he has used in his on line dating profile!! Haha!!

Also seen the bloke a couple of times last week. He brought a new car and so came round to show it us one night.... Its really nice (even if the first thing i asked when he told me he got it was the typical girl question "what colour is it"), but I'm really pleased for him, as I know he's wanted one of these for ages...  

We also grabbed some takeaway and just chilled watching a DVD on one of the other nights. Think he needed the break as much as I did as I think his work has been as bad as mine!

I find when he comes round, or I catch up with my friends, its the only time I get to relax properly as I stop thinking about the mental 'to-do' list I have in my head. Its not being by myself I have a problem with as I spent years with knob head working nights so I am used to it, but I think it's more of a case of being by myself, I know that when someone stays over I do seem to sleep better... I like being able to snuggle into the back of the bloke to go sleep, and I miss having those times when you are asleep and turn over and instinctively put your arm over the person in bed with you and just cuddle up.... Not talking anything dirty here, just the being near someone and huddling up!! 

Sometimes it's nice to be the big spoon, sometimes it's nice to be the little spoon!

I guess I just like the feeling and security that type of closeness gives you. Its not a feeling I get with many people, can't even remember having that type of feeling with the knob head, he was just too selfish, just took me too long to see it properly!

Been sat here tonight having a little wine, watching Shallow Hal, and catching up with a couple of friends on line..... I have some people that I really miss at times!

Oh well, guess I should think about going to bed now, just wish I had the other spoon tonight, the body warmth would have been nice for the aching muscles lol!