1, 2, 3

Well decided to give this adulting malarkey a go for 2016 and see if I can get my shit together in some way so....

Today I have spent cleaning and decluttering bits of the house and now I have a pile of crap to go up in the loft. Once the weather is less 'Noah's ark' like I'll do a car boot with it all and try and turn it into £££ (god I really have got old! 😂) I want to be able to look at my bank the week before pay day without both eyes closed!

I've deleted all my online dating profiles as fed up meeting twats, so that's me out of the dating game for the near future!

Now I just need to drink a little more water, drink a little less wine (eek) and eat a bit healthier. Need to do a bit more exercise and get a bit fitter, and hopefully also get a little less round shaped this year. I just want to feel more like the old me rather than how I do now...

Happy new year 🎉🍸💋

ho ho ho

Hey! Its been a while since I wrote on here.... Wasn't missed on purpose just genuinely not sure where this year has gone?!

Wish I could say I had met my Prince Charming and was whisked off my feet but we all know that only happens in fairy stories, and I'm never lucky enough to get the Hollywood ending sadly:(

So as this year comes to an end and I look back what do I see? Well I have managed to still 'adult' somehow - my son has now outgrown me much to his amusement, and his voice has broken (which is totally weird to get my head round as that means he is nearly grown up..... and how have I managed to end up with a grown up son?)

Sadly work has kept me manically busy, and this year has been difficult. Being constantly told that what you are doing isn't quite right, isn't how they would do it ends up with constant self doubt and questioning. Luckily for me I am stubborn and dug my heels in and so the last few months have managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the doubters are backing off finally.

Next question for me in the new year is do I stay or brave the world and look for more money? But that comes with its own risks? Am I 'that' brave just yet? How do some people seem to make these decisions with the greatest of ease?

The heart this year has had its walls firmly up! There was a gap in the wall appearing at one point but like every male I come across he proved to be just more of the same.... Someone who used me to boost his own ego until something better came along. You'd have thought by now I would have learnt? Think I need to see why this always happens to me but it always been the same thing... I am 'nice', I am fun to be around but I am never the 'right' one. Given my past history can only really come too a couple of conclusions. I have an personality flaw that makes me unworthy and I am just not pretty enough or skinny enough for someone to want to be with me on a more permanent basis?

Anyway for now I need to give blokes a miss as I have bigger concerns coming up over the next few months and I have no idea how that will pan out..... So for the beginning of 2016 my attention is going to be elsewhere anyway

Going to try and update this a bit more next year as I find the writing down of things helps me organise my own head.....I know this isn't really read but thats not the point of this page for me

For now, Happy Christmas and a healthy and happy new year

Onions

I've decided... I'm like an onion! 

No not cause I stink... But more for the fact I keep my true self wrapped up in layers. And some of those layers make me cry!

I'm chatty, I'm friendly, I chat shit to pretty much anyone really, but just cause I do this don't make the mistake of thinking I am an open book.

I'm pretty sure I can count on the one hand the number of people who know more than half of what goes on in my life or what I'm thinking or feeling ... 

It's my self protection, wrap myself up in layers and never revel all of me to anyone as then they can't fully hurt me! The last time I let someone all the way in the broke me in half and it took me a good year to get myself on to an even keel again. And I don't think I'm the only person that does this?

The world is full of people that wrap up a lot of hurt with a big beaming smile, and just cause you can't always see the scars doesn't mean they aren't stil there. 

I think like most people I don't like being like this, I would love to find someone who wants to take the time to peel back the layers, someone who I can be my whole self with, including the crazy sometimes, that won't freak out and run when they see it!

I don't mind dealing with their crazy too in return, as long as I know I can trust them to have my back, to be loyal to me, then I will move heaven and earth for that person if I have to. Nobody is perfect, all I need is perfect for me

Am I asking too much? 

The wonderer returns...

Been a while since I've done this and can honestly say I've missed writing things down, although looking back over the last posts I'm not sure if my situation has changed much?

Might be different players but history really does have a way of repeating itself!

Guess that means I should be questioning if it's more a problem with me than a problem I exist through? Trust me I've been mulling that one over today with a friend and a glass of wine!!

Sure I'll say more about those particulars soon enough, but for now I am trying decide where my head is at and if my heart can be strong enough to resist?

How do people know when enough is enough and it's time to draw the line under a chapter, when there's still part of you that believes in that chapter?

I'm trying the think back through my past to find those moments were I finally truly let go of the past ties and moved on, to see if I can do something similar now, but I just can't seem to pin point it.... So that's not much help for my current situation!

Sadly though each time this happens an extra layer of protective casing goes round me and I get that little bit more disillusioned with finding my happy ending.... And I'm not suggesting it's a fairytale perfect happy ending as those are just full of crap, just one that fits me will do!

Time for bed now I guess, as people say 'things will look better in the morning'. Not sure I believe that either but it will prevent the dark circles from taking over my face and even if things don't look better on the old emotional front, maybe I will?

Is life really like a box of chocolates?

They say life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're going to get..... and some of us might have a hard outside but a soft inside and we need to be handled with care at times!

Think my life is like a bag of revels at the moment, you never know what flavour you are going to get! You pick one up, look at it, sniff it and think you have it sussed but then bam, one bite and you realise it wasn't what you was expecting...

I'm not sure what I'm after at the moment, maybe i should just go on a diet and make things simpler!!

I think I guess I am just fed up of ending up being second choice, of being good but not quite good enough, as I really don't quite know what I am doing wrong at the moment?

People wonder why I keep certain parts of myself to myself and not let them in, or to help me, but what they don't know is that to do that I have to trust them and letting them in means I open myself up to the hurt and heartbreak that can come with it. I want to be able to let someone in one day, but when i do it will be someone who wants to be with me, have a future with me, to be my family...

I don't put up walls to keep people out, there are there to see who cares enough to take them down

Written in the stars?

Well, this was a first for me.... I went and got an astrology reading done! 

Not sure I believe in all that stuff about your future being dictated to by where the planets are when you are born, but at the same time you just need something to give you a little boost, and so I had one of those moments and did it.

To be fair to it, regardless of if you believe in it or not, it was an interesting read. And given the fact that i submitted all the details online so there was no body language being read, some bits where quite spookily accurate! Luck of the draw, too much reading between the lines or something to it who knows? Lets just say its something to keep in the back of my mind, but not let myself be ruled by it!

Think with all of it I have just been looking for a little bit of direction as at the moment I am trying to see where my life is going. The munchkin is growing up and in a few years he won't be wanting his mom around him (although I have threatened several times to turn up at the pub when he's out with his friends in a few years.... and be drunker than he is). 

Work isn't really stretching me at the moment and I don't do boredom very well, so trying to find my mojo, but I am not ready to take a leap and just leave the job. There is a lot I do like about it, I'm aware that the grass isn't always greener elsewhere, plus the main reason is I have to be the responsible parent for a few more years yet.

All my friends are getting married and knocked up, so the social circles are changing too... Going out as a group now is almost a military operation where calendars are synchronised! 

And yes there is a sense of loneliness... I know I best when I am one half of a couple, but I am not willing to settle for a make-do relationship! I've had a few chances to 'be' with someone but they weren't right. 

There's still this one person though that I get that little rush when I see he has texted, or when i meet up with him he makes me just feel happy and relaxed to be around. I am not letting myself fall at the moment though as I don't know if he'd be there to catch me? 
There is so much possibility there and it could be something great BUT I can't force anything and he has to feel the same way about me if it is ever to be more than friends, so as my friend keeps telling me I just have to go with the flow and be patient..... neither of which are my strong points!

I do think though that maybe I should master the damsel in distress act a little bit more, as being an independent female seems to work for my job, but not in my love life!! 
Which is a shame because I think men are missing out.... Being with someone who isn't a wall flower keeps things interesting and you retain a spark as you don't become a single entity, and the fact that I can support myself means if I chose to be with you it is because I want to be, not because I have to be.... they become a choice, not just the best option going at that time?
    

Head or heart?

It has been a while since I wrote on here... Guess that must mean nothing has really happened lately? Well that's not quite true, but I do know I am back to that place where my head and my heart are disagreeing and now I am at a loss what to do!

That's why I'm back here I guess as writing it down sometimes helps me to make sense of things a little bit, not a lot but a little bit!

Not sure why my biggest dilemmas are over men! I swear that sometimes it really would be easier to just give up altogether on ever finding love as I must be cursed!

I get so close to having what I want to only have it snatched away time and time again.... I really am your typical unlucky in love story, forever the 'almost' one but never THE one?

The funny thing is there are also so many than return to try again after they have initially rejected me but I have some self respect to tell those no, as if they treat me like an option rather than a choice then why would I want to be with them when they come crawling back because it didn't work out?

I know as I am getting older I am less inclined to deal with being treated like crap, but I really do understand that everyone comes with baggage and issues and its not about finding a perfect person that ticks all imaginary boxes, its about finding that imperfect person that's perfect just for me!

At the moment I thought I had found that person... Stupidly I fell for them more than I ever meant too, think its cause I could see the possibilities it had, and I think that if it had been given the chance then it could have possibly been something great, but as my usual luck, curse of the ex came up!

The gf he can't get over... And now because of her jealousy I think I may have even lost him as a friend as he's not allowed to talk to me?

I'm not going to go stalksish on him like my friends sometimes seem to, I guess the only thing I can do is to let him be, if there is supposed to be anything there then I guess it will be eventually? 

In the meantime I go back to looking in the pond at the frogs? Which my head is telling me is the right thing to do, but the heart is still saying that it could have been good between us.

Been here before and I know I will be ok, but still....