ho ho ho

Hey! Its been a while since I wrote on here.... Wasn't missed on purpose just genuinely not sure where this year has gone?!

Wish I could say I had met my Prince Charming and was whisked off my feet but we all know that only happens in fairy stories, and I'm never lucky enough to get the Hollywood ending sadly:(

So as this year comes to an end and I look back what do I see? Well I have managed to still 'adult' somehow - my son has now outgrown me much to his amusement, and his voice has broken (which is totally weird to get my head round as that means he is nearly grown up..... and how have I managed to end up with a grown up son?)

Sadly work has kept me manically busy, and this year has been difficult. Being constantly told that what you are doing isn't quite right, isn't how they would do it ends up with constant self doubt and questioning. Luckily for me I am stubborn and dug my heels in and so the last few months have managed to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and the doubters are backing off finally.

Next question for me in the new year is do I stay or brave the world and look for more money? But that comes with its own risks? Am I 'that' brave just yet? How do some people seem to make these decisions with the greatest of ease?

The heart this year has had its walls firmly up! There was a gap in the wall appearing at one point but like every male I come across he proved to be just more of the same.... Someone who used me to boost his own ego until something better came along. You'd have thought by now I would have learnt? Think I need to see why this always happens to me but it always been the same thing... I am 'nice', I am fun to be around but I am never the 'right' one. Given my past history can only really come too a couple of conclusions. I have an personality flaw that makes me unworthy and I am just not pretty enough or skinny enough for someone to want to be with me on a more permanent basis?

Anyway for now I need to give blokes a miss as I have bigger concerns coming up over the next few months and I have no idea how that will pan out..... So for the beginning of 2016 my attention is going to be elsewhere anyway

Going to try and update this a bit more next year as I find the writing down of things helps me organise my own head.....I know this isn't really read but thats not the point of this page for me

For now, Happy Christmas and a healthy and happy new year

Onions

I've decided... I'm like an onion! 

No not cause I stink... But more for the fact I keep my true self wrapped up in layers. And some of those layers make me cry!

I'm chatty, I'm friendly, I chat shit to pretty much anyone really, but just cause I do this don't make the mistake of thinking I am an open book.

I'm pretty sure I can count on the one hand the number of people who know more than half of what goes on in my life or what I'm thinking or feeling ... 

It's my self protection, wrap myself up in layers and never revel all of me to anyone as then they can't fully hurt me! The last time I let someone all the way in the broke me in half and it took me a good year to get myself on to an even keel again. And I don't think I'm the only person that does this?

The world is full of people that wrap up a lot of hurt with a big beaming smile, and just cause you can't always see the scars doesn't mean they aren't stil there. 

I think like most people I don't like being like this, I would love to find someone who wants to take the time to peel back the layers, someone who I can be my whole self with, including the crazy sometimes, that won't freak out and run when they see it!

I don't mind dealing with their crazy too in return, as long as I know I can trust them to have my back, to be loyal to me, then I will move heaven and earth for that person if I have to. Nobody is perfect, all I need is perfect for me

Am I asking too much? 

The wonderer returns...

Been a while since I've done this and can honestly say I've missed writing things down, although looking back over the last posts I'm not sure if my situation has changed much?

Might be different players but history really does have a way of repeating itself!

Guess that means I should be questioning if it's more a problem with me than a problem I exist through? Trust me I've been mulling that one over today with a friend and a glass of wine!!

Sure I'll say more about those particulars soon enough, but for now I am trying decide where my head is at and if my heart can be strong enough to resist?

How do people know when enough is enough and it's time to draw the line under a chapter, when there's still part of you that believes in that chapter?

I'm trying the think back through my past to find those moments were I finally truly let go of the past ties and moved on, to see if I can do something similar now, but I just can't seem to pin point it.... So that's not much help for my current situation!

Sadly though each time this happens an extra layer of protective casing goes round me and I get that little bit more disillusioned with finding my happy ending.... And I'm not suggesting it's a fairytale perfect happy ending as those are just full of crap, just one that fits me will do!

Time for bed now I guess, as people say 'things will look better in the morning'. Not sure I believe that either but it will prevent the dark circles from taking over my face and even if things don't look better on the old emotional front, maybe I will?