I think half term is slowly killing me..... it's always so manic trying to split my time between working from home in the morning and the afternoon's in the office.... and the munchkins dad today said he was dropping him back a little early as he was 'knackered'! Lol hard life for some.... try going through what i do on a regular basis then!
Why is it that mothers will look after the kids, work, keep house and the other 101 million jobs that make everyone else's life run smoothly, and does so with minimal fuss.... where as when you talk to the dad they only focus on one thing at a time so if they have child duty then you can guarantee the rest of the stuff goes to shit and they always refer to this as baby sitting (seriously?!?!?), and will expect time of in lieu? We don't ever get that luxury... At least in my case i know what i have to pick up, my expectations of my ex are low as he is a complete knob and i am trying to separate myself from him as much as possible so he has as little impact on my day to day existence as i can get away with
For that it means a lot of the jigsaw pieces of my life are there, i have all the outside pieces in place and it's the bits in the middle i am now figuring out, where do they go? How do they fit together?
It's just a shame that no matter how i put them together, take them apart and re-do it, there is still a gap where there is a few missing pieces... and i know i haven't lost them, they're not hiding under the settee... it's that someone has walked off with them.
I had hoped they would be part of the jigsaw but they don't want to be.... to them they have lots of little jigsaws in their life, they don't mix the pieces.... i just wished they realised how important they are and was able to still be part of the bigger version, as although it might be harder to do that puzzle, the final picture could be so much more
Friday, 28 October 2011
Monday, 24 October 2011
Pond rippler
Another week starts again....
The weekend was good.... Betsy stayed here friday night and although i ended up doing some stupid stuff as i had a sniff too much wine it was a good to not be here alone. The saturday night was a girls night in with chinese, dvd's and more alcohol. Sometimes the simple nights in with friends are the best. And i ended up spooning old Betsy lol!
The rest of the weekend was just lazy really.... it's amazing how much of a range of feelings you can feel in 48 hours.... this one saw me going from being happy, to sad, to lonely, to hurt, to ok, to i don't know what..... i just would like something to be simple and straight forward for once! At least this was a weekend without the mystery caller! Been a few days now so maybe he's got the message now?
I just wish i knew what i was meant to be doing? Now, next week, next year.... surprises are nice, no actually they are great, but i am just fed up of getting the dud ones i think i'm the one that's always left with the booby prize or the joke present and everyone else walks away with first prize.
I just feel like i'm forgettable, and that other than the munchkin i'm never going to mean anything to anyone and that is such an empty feeling i wish i could shake. There are things i wish for and dream of, that are now so out of reach it hurts to even think of, and when i think of the people involved in some of those dream doing what i have thought of with someone other than me it is unbearable.
Guess i just need to figure out where i go from here, accept that i won't ever have someone for all the journey and after that is anyones guess???
The weekend was good.... Betsy stayed here friday night and although i ended up doing some stupid stuff as i had a sniff too much wine it was a good to not be here alone. The saturday night was a girls night in with chinese, dvd's and more alcohol. Sometimes the simple nights in with friends are the best. And i ended up spooning old Betsy lol!
The rest of the weekend was just lazy really.... it's amazing how much of a range of feelings you can feel in 48 hours.... this one saw me going from being happy, to sad, to lonely, to hurt, to ok, to i don't know what..... i just would like something to be simple and straight forward for once! At least this was a weekend without the mystery caller! Been a few days now so maybe he's got the message now?
I just wish i knew what i was meant to be doing? Now, next week, next year.... surprises are nice, no actually they are great, but i am just fed up of getting the dud ones i think i'm the one that's always left with the booby prize or the joke present and everyone else walks away with first prize.
I just feel like i'm forgettable, and that other than the munchkin i'm never going to mean anything to anyone and that is such an empty feeling i wish i could shake. There are things i wish for and dream of, that are now so out of reach it hurts to even think of, and when i think of the people involved in some of those dream doing what i have thought of with someone other than me it is unbearable.
Guess i just need to figure out where i go from here, accept that i won't ever have someone for all the journey and after that is anyones guess???
Thursday, 20 October 2011
techno-phobe
What a day!
Just typical that when i need to work from home the next day my work laptop decides to go kput and i end up with the black screen of death.... I've managed to send some stuff to my home email to keep me busy tomorrow and i scrounged a loan laptop for tomorrow (although if/whether/how well it will work i don't know)....
Just hope i get something sorted tomorrow as i need to work from home all next week in the mornings and this will make it a little difficult!! Can't imagine the knob of an ex will be able to take time off work and i haven't got any holiday i can use.... seriously could do without this now. I do think that i shouldn't be allowed any where near technology sometimes lol!
Other than killing my laptop, i've also managed to also kill my plant.... I sometime wonder how my son has lasted this long? Maybe its a sign that i should just quit while i'm ahead?
Looking forward to the weekend and a girlie film night in, plenty of alcohol in the fridge, popcorn in the cupboard and who we are all spooning in bed arranged ;0)
Guess just have one thing missing and i'm not even going to go there tonight. Think anyone who has read these blogs will know what i mean and to be honest i don't write these for anyone other than me as sometimes it's better to try and get my thoughts down in print.... i've always been like that, maybe that's why i was drawn to doing journalism at uni? it was either that or the idea of finding a superman hunk to my lois lane ;0)
Just typical that when i need to work from home the next day my work laptop decides to go kput and i end up with the black screen of death.... I've managed to send some stuff to my home email to keep me busy tomorrow and i scrounged a loan laptop for tomorrow (although if/whether/how well it will work i don't know)....
Just hope i get something sorted tomorrow as i need to work from home all next week in the mornings and this will make it a little difficult!! Can't imagine the knob of an ex will be able to take time off work and i haven't got any holiday i can use.... seriously could do without this now. I do think that i shouldn't be allowed any where near technology sometimes lol!
Other than killing my laptop, i've also managed to also kill my plant.... I sometime wonder how my son has lasted this long? Maybe its a sign that i should just quit while i'm ahead?
Looking forward to the weekend and a girlie film night in, plenty of alcohol in the fridge, popcorn in the cupboard and who we are all spooning in bed arranged ;0)
Guess just have one thing missing and i'm not even going to go there tonight. Think anyone who has read these blogs will know what i mean and to be honest i don't write these for anyone other than me as sometimes it's better to try and get my thoughts down in print.... i've always been like that, maybe that's why i was drawn to doing journalism at uni? it was either that or the idea of finding a superman hunk to my lois lane ;0)
Sunday, 16 October 2011
Inside my head
What a week! Actually scrap that.... what a month!!
I've been having someone ringing me up every few days in the early hours of the morning asking me what I'm wearing, to take my bra and pants off, if I'm 'excited' and basically trying to get his rocks off.... he's already decided he's my lover and yet no matter how many times and how many ways i tell him to get lost, he still rings back.
I've gone down to the police station and reported it so need to see what comes of it now, as i don't want to have to change my number... why should i? But it may come to that......
The things is how all this has made me feel. I realise that in the grand scheme of things this is trivial to a lot of crimes, but what happens if he escalates? I could do nothing and this bloke moves on to assault or rape in order to keep getting his rocks off. And then there is the fact that because i don't know how he got my details and the fact that he isn't leaving me alone it's making me feel so uneasy, even in my own home, as how do i know he hasn't got more information on me? And what sort of situation does that put me (and the munchkin) in?
I hate the fact that at the one time when having someone around would be a comfort is the time that i am completely alone, and again does this perv know that and is targeting me because of it?
I'm certain that the bloke (or should i call him the ex-bloke now?) isn't behind that as it's not who he is, although people have asked me the question, but i used to feel so safe with him around, and now i miss having him here.... i miss the feeling of security he gave me, as well as just missing him...
And for the doubters, no i am not making this up just to get attention either. I have all the call logs to prove i am getting these calls and what i have said is all happening, just the timing stinks.
And to complete the rosiness of my life, the ex has now cut his payments to £16 a week as that is what the CSA have said he needs to pay.... although i am still unsure how anyone can use that to help raise a kid?
I went to Crawley this weekend to visit someone i hadn't seen for over a year. She went to uni with me, although on a different course, and we used to work together at Adams.... we are, and always have been, so similar in many ways and have similar histories with certain things that we have always just clicked, and it was great to finally get chance to catch up and say hi again.
And yes i am trying to move on, back to doing some of what i used to but maybe its too soon.... he may be able to go out, eye other women up, chat them up and god knows what, yet when i start talking to blokes like that then it has just felt like i am cheating at the moment.... i still miss him so much and wished that he felt that way about me.... i mean since we split up he has said to me the three words i had wanted to hear again for so long, but followed it up with the fact we can't be together.... i just don't know why?
People spend a lifetime looking for what we had but it's still not good enough for him for some reason i just cannot fathom out why..... i don't know whether he was expecting to feel the giddiness that goes with the first few weeks of going out? Or the fact that actually making a life together means you end up having some routine that can feel like you get into a rut a little bit, but in all honesty it's not, it's just the next level of being together.....
He told me i couldn't rely on him to make me happy. I don't. I can be happy without him, but what he gave me was the polish on everything, that extra bit of shine that made everything just that bit much better.
When i say i need him... i know can survive on my own.... I'm a big girl and I've been here before... but just having him there made everything that bit easier to face.
Maybe i didn't give that to him? Maybe that's the something he was looking for and i wasn't able to give to him, but i wish he knew that i would have if he let me and gave me the opportunity.
Now I'm just scared i am going to lose him forever out of my life. He's not going to want to be around me soon, that feeling will disappear and he will just replace me.... that's what everyone else has done to me so far so why should i think that this time will be different?
I need to figure out a few things, and i need to be able to feel safe again. At the moment i don't think i can do either of these.... where to start would be a good beginning!
Maybe i just need decent nights sleep? No phone calls. No bad dreams.... That would be good!!
I've been having someone ringing me up every few days in the early hours of the morning asking me what I'm wearing, to take my bra and pants off, if I'm 'excited' and basically trying to get his rocks off.... he's already decided he's my lover and yet no matter how many times and how many ways i tell him to get lost, he still rings back.
I've gone down to the police station and reported it so need to see what comes of it now, as i don't want to have to change my number... why should i? But it may come to that......
The things is how all this has made me feel. I realise that in the grand scheme of things this is trivial to a lot of crimes, but what happens if he escalates? I could do nothing and this bloke moves on to assault or rape in order to keep getting his rocks off. And then there is the fact that because i don't know how he got my details and the fact that he isn't leaving me alone it's making me feel so uneasy, even in my own home, as how do i know he hasn't got more information on me? And what sort of situation does that put me (and the munchkin) in?
I hate the fact that at the one time when having someone around would be a comfort is the time that i am completely alone, and again does this perv know that and is targeting me because of it?
I'm certain that the bloke (or should i call him the ex-bloke now?) isn't behind that as it's not who he is, although people have asked me the question, but i used to feel so safe with him around, and now i miss having him here.... i miss the feeling of security he gave me, as well as just missing him...
And for the doubters, no i am not making this up just to get attention either. I have all the call logs to prove i am getting these calls and what i have said is all happening, just the timing stinks.
And to complete the rosiness of my life, the ex has now cut his payments to £16 a week as that is what the CSA have said he needs to pay.... although i am still unsure how anyone can use that to help raise a kid?
I went to Crawley this weekend to visit someone i hadn't seen for over a year. She went to uni with me, although on a different course, and we used to work together at Adams.... we are, and always have been, so similar in many ways and have similar histories with certain things that we have always just clicked, and it was great to finally get chance to catch up and say hi again.
And yes i am trying to move on, back to doing some of what i used to but maybe its too soon.... he may be able to go out, eye other women up, chat them up and god knows what, yet when i start talking to blokes like that then it has just felt like i am cheating at the moment.... i still miss him so much and wished that he felt that way about me.... i mean since we split up he has said to me the three words i had wanted to hear again for so long, but followed it up with the fact we can't be together.... i just don't know why?
People spend a lifetime looking for what we had but it's still not good enough for him for some reason i just cannot fathom out why..... i don't know whether he was expecting to feel the giddiness that goes with the first few weeks of going out? Or the fact that actually making a life together means you end up having some routine that can feel like you get into a rut a little bit, but in all honesty it's not, it's just the next level of being together.....
He told me i couldn't rely on him to make me happy. I don't. I can be happy without him, but what he gave me was the polish on everything, that extra bit of shine that made everything just that bit much better.
When i say i need him... i know can survive on my own.... I'm a big girl and I've been here before... but just having him there made everything that bit easier to face.
Maybe i didn't give that to him? Maybe that's the something he was looking for and i wasn't able to give to him, but i wish he knew that i would have if he let me and gave me the opportunity.
Now I'm just scared i am going to lose him forever out of my life. He's not going to want to be around me soon, that feeling will disappear and he will just replace me.... that's what everyone else has done to me so far so why should i think that this time will be different?
I need to figure out a few things, and i need to be able to feel safe again. At the moment i don't think i can do either of these.... where to start would be a good beginning!
Maybe i just need decent nights sleep? No phone calls. No bad dreams.... That would be good!!
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Aches & Pains
I miss you.... Can't help myself, as much as I am trying I still miss you and I'm still confused....
I'm looking for answers to the questions I'm still not sure of....
I'm looking for answers to the questions I'm still not sure of....
Friday, 7 October 2011
no mans land
Well that's it.... another week survived, just!
Sat here all alone on the sofa with the munchkin upstairs asleep, and still can't get my head around the fact that this is my life again. Tried having a drink but got through one bottle of cider and decided that i'm just not in the mood for it... It's just not sitting right, and for me to go off the old drinkie-poo is definitely out of character... maybe it's the fact that if i want to drink i ought to eat a bit more than i currently am :0/
I'm just very tired at the moment - physically, emotionally, everything.
Looking forward to a night out tomorrow for Jess's birthday, i need to just chill for a bit, maybe i'll be able to stomach a few drinks and help me to forget everything for just a bit..... I'm just wondering how long it will be before i'm forgotten and replaced?
Sat here all alone on the sofa with the munchkin upstairs asleep, and still can't get my head around the fact that this is my life again. Tried having a drink but got through one bottle of cider and decided that i'm just not in the mood for it... It's just not sitting right, and for me to go off the old drinkie-poo is definitely out of character... maybe it's the fact that if i want to drink i ought to eat a bit more than i currently am :0/
I'm just very tired at the moment - physically, emotionally, everything.
Looking forward to a night out tomorrow for Jess's birthday, i need to just chill for a bit, maybe i'll be able to stomach a few drinks and help me to forget everything for just a bit..... I'm just wondering how long it will be before i'm forgotten and replaced?
Wednesday, 5 October 2011
Back to the frogs then
God where do i start?
I've always found writing down how i feel has helped me in the past but in this instance i don't think that even that would have helped me..... I am broken, that's the only way i can describe how i feel at the moment.... I keep moving between being fine, being upset, being angry and just being so damn confused about everything.
It just feels at the moment that everything in my life has collided at the same point to just be one big smooshed up mess - work, home, love, everything... and at the moment i just feel so overwhelmed by it all, and so, so alone i am trying desperately not to despair about it all....
And at the one time i really needed someone to be here to help me, they abandon me, so i guess I've learned one lesson which i should have learnt a while ago - trust no-one, as at the end of the day they will only let you down and hurt you when you are most vulnerable!!
I know that at the moment that things are bad as some of my old problems have reappeared. I know it's there but at the moment although my head is telling me i am going to start damaging myself soon, i just can't do it, my body is refusing to and it's scary stuff to be like this :0(
How do i pick up the pieces now? i guess that's the question i am trying to answer....
With work i guess i need to just struggle on through and hopefully things will sort themselves out in a few months, either that or i need to have a serious chat with some people as what they are doing at the moment is seriously out of line.... either that or it's time to start looking for a new job!!
Some stuff i am trying to sort out, as i have for the past couple of years, but every time i think i have got over one hurdle the next one appears before me even taller.... the latest kick in the teeth I've had is from the CSA who reckons the ex should pay £16 a week for his son.... seriously how do they think anyone can raise a child on that i have no idea!!! I'm lucky that i am only going through them so i can declare this money when i try to sort out my mortgage as i would be royally screwed if i was relying on this amount.
And love..... well that's the million dollar question. I guess after a few toads (and they really were horrible warty toads) i thought I'd found my prince, but i guess for whatever reason I'm not good enough for him, so I've got to go back to the frog pond.....the thing is do i take a dip again?
Or is it a case of all there is in the frog pond is just that - frogs?!?!
Maybe i should just stay out the water permanently.... the crappy thing is that for all what i have been through the last couple of months i can't shake the feeling that my prince was still my prince.... he may have been a bit broken, the armour a little chinked and the crown a little lopsided but i was fine with that as i never expected perfect, but he just gave up... and that hurts the most!
I guess i just wish i knew what was wrong with me that makes me so unlovable.... or why people are so obsessed with what they don't have rather than being thankful for what they do have.... and yes, i get the irony, as i here moaning about what i don't have when i have a job, house and great kid, but i am more than just a mom.... my child is one of my greatest achievements in life but i don't want him to be my only achievement, or to be the only thing that defines me.... it's hard to explain but i feel like i am only half a person again at the moment :0/
Maybe one day I'll be able to write on here nice cheery thoughts about how lovely and wonderful life is, about how the world is full of sunshine and buttercups, but maybe that's all as likely as me finding another prince among the frogs? I know my life will never be simple but i am not asking for the fairytale ending, i just want something real to hold on to
night all
I've always found writing down how i feel has helped me in the past but in this instance i don't think that even that would have helped me..... I am broken, that's the only way i can describe how i feel at the moment.... I keep moving between being fine, being upset, being angry and just being so damn confused about everything.
It just feels at the moment that everything in my life has collided at the same point to just be one big smooshed up mess - work, home, love, everything... and at the moment i just feel so overwhelmed by it all, and so, so alone i am trying desperately not to despair about it all....
And at the one time i really needed someone to be here to help me, they abandon me, so i guess I've learned one lesson which i should have learnt a while ago - trust no-one, as at the end of the day they will only let you down and hurt you when you are most vulnerable!!
I know that at the moment that things are bad as some of my old problems have reappeared. I know it's there but at the moment although my head is telling me i am going to start damaging myself soon, i just can't do it, my body is refusing to and it's scary stuff to be like this :0(
How do i pick up the pieces now? i guess that's the question i am trying to answer....
With work i guess i need to just struggle on through and hopefully things will sort themselves out in a few months, either that or i need to have a serious chat with some people as what they are doing at the moment is seriously out of line.... either that or it's time to start looking for a new job!!
Some stuff i am trying to sort out, as i have for the past couple of years, but every time i think i have got over one hurdle the next one appears before me even taller.... the latest kick in the teeth I've had is from the CSA who reckons the ex should pay £16 a week for his son.... seriously how do they think anyone can raise a child on that i have no idea!!! I'm lucky that i am only going through them so i can declare this money when i try to sort out my mortgage as i would be royally screwed if i was relying on this amount.
And love..... well that's the million dollar question. I guess after a few toads (and they really were horrible warty toads) i thought I'd found my prince, but i guess for whatever reason I'm not good enough for him, so I've got to go back to the frog pond.....the thing is do i take a dip again?
Or is it a case of all there is in the frog pond is just that - frogs?!?!
Maybe i should just stay out the water permanently.... the crappy thing is that for all what i have been through the last couple of months i can't shake the feeling that my prince was still my prince.... he may have been a bit broken, the armour a little chinked and the crown a little lopsided but i was fine with that as i never expected perfect, but he just gave up... and that hurts the most!
I guess i just wish i knew what was wrong with me that makes me so unlovable.... or why people are so obsessed with what they don't have rather than being thankful for what they do have.... and yes, i get the irony, as i here moaning about what i don't have when i have a job, house and great kid, but i am more than just a mom.... my child is one of my greatest achievements in life but i don't want him to be my only achievement, or to be the only thing that defines me.... it's hard to explain but i feel like i am only half a person again at the moment :0/
Maybe one day I'll be able to write on here nice cheery thoughts about how lovely and wonderful life is, about how the world is full of sunshine and buttercups, but maybe that's all as likely as me finding another prince among the frogs? I know my life will never be simple but i am not asking for the fairytale ending, i just want something real to hold on to
night all
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)