Onions

I've decided... I'm like an onion! 

No not cause I stink... But more for the fact I keep my true self wrapped up in layers. And some of those layers make me cry!

I'm chatty, I'm friendly, I chat shit to pretty much anyone really, but just cause I do this don't make the mistake of thinking I am an open book.

I'm pretty sure I can count on the one hand the number of people who know more than half of what goes on in my life or what I'm thinking or feeling ... 

It's my self protection, wrap myself up in layers and never revel all of me to anyone as then they can't fully hurt me! The last time I let someone all the way in the broke me in half and it took me a good year to get myself on to an even keel again. And I don't think I'm the only person that does this?

The world is full of people that wrap up a lot of hurt with a big beaming smile, and just cause you can't always see the scars doesn't mean they aren't stil there. 

I think like most people I don't like being like this, I would love to find someone who wants to take the time to peel back the layers, someone who I can be my whole self with, including the crazy sometimes, that won't freak out and run when they see it!

I don't mind dealing with their crazy too in return, as long as I know I can trust them to have my back, to be loyal to me, then I will move heaven and earth for that person if I have to. Nobody is perfect, all I need is perfect for me

Am I asking too much? 

The wonderer returns...

Been a while since I've done this and can honestly say I've missed writing things down, although looking back over the last posts I'm not sure if my situation has changed much?

Might be different players but history really does have a way of repeating itself!

Guess that means I should be questioning if it's more a problem with me than a problem I exist through? Trust me I've been mulling that one over today with a friend and a glass of wine!!

Sure I'll say more about those particulars soon enough, but for now I am trying decide where my head is at and if my heart can be strong enough to resist?

How do people know when enough is enough and it's time to draw the line under a chapter, when there's still part of you that believes in that chapter?

I'm trying the think back through my past to find those moments were I finally truly let go of the past ties and moved on, to see if I can do something similar now, but I just can't seem to pin point it.... So that's not much help for my current situation!

Sadly though each time this happens an extra layer of protective casing goes round me and I get that little bit more disillusioned with finding my happy ending.... And I'm not suggesting it's a fairytale perfect happy ending as those are just full of crap, just one that fits me will do!

Time for bed now I guess, as people say 'things will look better in the morning'. Not sure I believe that either but it will prevent the dark circles from taking over my face and even if things don't look better on the old emotional front, maybe I will?