Written in the stars?

Well, this was a first for me.... I went and got an astrology reading done! 

Not sure I believe in all that stuff about your future being dictated to by where the planets are when you are born, but at the same time you just need something to give you a little boost, and so I had one of those moments and did it.

To be fair to it, regardless of if you believe in it or not, it was an interesting read. And given the fact that i submitted all the details online so there was no body language being read, some bits where quite spookily accurate! Luck of the draw, too much reading between the lines or something to it who knows? Lets just say its something to keep in the back of my mind, but not let myself be ruled by it!

Think with all of it I have just been looking for a little bit of direction as at the moment I am trying to see where my life is going. The munchkin is growing up and in a few years he won't be wanting his mom around him (although I have threatened several times to turn up at the pub when he's out with his friends in a few years.... and be drunker than he is). 

Work isn't really stretching me at the moment and I don't do boredom very well, so trying to find my mojo, but I am not ready to take a leap and just leave the job. There is a lot I do like about it, I'm aware that the grass isn't always greener elsewhere, plus the main reason is I have to be the responsible parent for a few more years yet.

All my friends are getting married and knocked up, so the social circles are changing too... Going out as a group now is almost a military operation where calendars are synchronised! 

And yes there is a sense of loneliness... I know I best when I am one half of a couple, but I am not willing to settle for a make-do relationship! I've had a few chances to 'be' with someone but they weren't right. 

There's still this one person though that I get that little rush when I see he has texted, or when i meet up with him he makes me just feel happy and relaxed to be around. I am not letting myself fall at the moment though as I don't know if he'd be there to catch me? 
There is so much possibility there and it could be something great BUT I can't force anything and he has to feel the same way about me if it is ever to be more than friends, so as my friend keeps telling me I just have to go with the flow and be patient..... neither of which are my strong points!

I do think though that maybe I should master the damsel in distress act a little bit more, as being an independent female seems to work for my job, but not in my love life!! 
Which is a shame because I think men are missing out.... Being with someone who isn't a wall flower keeps things interesting and you retain a spark as you don't become a single entity, and the fact that I can support myself means if I chose to be with you it is because I want to be, not because I have to be.... they become a choice, not just the best option going at that time?
    

Head or heart?

It has been a while since I wrote on here... Guess that must mean nothing has really happened lately? Well that's not quite true, but I do know I am back to that place where my head and my heart are disagreeing and now I am at a loss what to do!

That's why I'm back here I guess as writing it down sometimes helps me to make sense of things a little bit, not a lot but a little bit!

Not sure why my biggest dilemmas are over men! I swear that sometimes it really would be easier to just give up altogether on ever finding love as I must be cursed!

I get so close to having what I want to only have it snatched away time and time again.... I really am your typical unlucky in love story, forever the 'almost' one but never THE one?

The funny thing is there are also so many than return to try again after they have initially rejected me but I have some self respect to tell those no, as if they treat me like an option rather than a choice then why would I want to be with them when they come crawling back because it didn't work out?

I know as I am getting older I am less inclined to deal with being treated like crap, but I really do understand that everyone comes with baggage and issues and its not about finding a perfect person that ticks all imaginary boxes, its about finding that imperfect person that's perfect just for me!

At the moment I thought I had found that person... Stupidly I fell for them more than I ever meant too, think its cause I could see the possibilities it had, and I think that if it had been given the chance then it could have possibly been something great, but as my usual luck, curse of the ex came up!

The gf he can't get over... And now because of her jealousy I think I may have even lost him as a friend as he's not allowed to talk to me?

I'm not going to go stalksish on him like my friends sometimes seem to, I guess the only thing I can do is to let him be, if there is supposed to be anything there then I guess it will be eventually? 

In the meantime I go back to looking in the pond at the frogs? Which my head is telling me is the right thing to do, but the heart is still saying that it could have been good between us.

Been here before and I know I will be ok, but still....

Time flies!

Wow, time really does fly by! Been a while since i last wrote on here, although that wasn't on purpose things have just been busy! 

So what has been going on? Lets see.... I've been a grown up and had new windows and doors fitted, although that has not been without its own issues as i got locked INSIDE my own house the other week, a first for the locksmith that was called out.

I've also had the garden decked and decided to turn my shed into a pub, even if that project needs to wait till next year. Party central here, but in the mean time I've been looking at pub names for it haha!

Got back from holiday a week ago so been suffering the holiday blues this week. Morocco was great, a chilled holiday although going with a friend and her daughter has made me realize how well behaved the munchkin is. He has his moments don't get me wrong, but lets just say I think I have different ways of bringing up kids and different expectations from them as I certainly wouldn't have let her get away with some of the stuff she did.... Eye candy on holiday wasn't bad either, shame they were all french haha!

And then there are blokes... the usual conundrum in my life!

Kind of been seeing the cheeky boy since the beginning of June but he does just confuse the hell out of me! Not sure what he actually wants.... just when i think he only wants friends after all, he takes me too family parties, just when i think he hasn't gave me a passing thought he is going on about what he and his cousins have been talking about me, I have one of his cousins messaging me then find out he knows but didn't want to tell him not to as he doesn't own me, the little 'tests' i've been through (and passed) when we've been out.... they say women are confusing but I think you blokes have us beat hands down!

I do really like him so am hoping he isn't a player and that my gut instinct is right. However at the moment the more I discover about some blokes i know and thought were 'decent' ones, the less I am sure about having any faith in the male of the species.... Hoping the cheeky boy proves me wrong! 

Topsy turvy

Not sure if at the moment I know what way is up and which way is down, so many things going through my head, so many conflicting thoughts....

Head v heart.... Which one should win?

How do people make decisions and how do you know what's for the best? There's things I want to do and morally I shouldn't, there's people I don't understand and not sure if its worth investing the time or just cut my losses now and walk away?

Am I actually willing to make the compromises to have someone come into my world or am I expecting too much from them? 

Not going to deny the fact that I just don't get the male species as there's several at the moment confusing the shit out of me! And I'm not sure if I am willing to risk getting burnt by any of them as I'm not sure I have it in me to pick myself up again if it doesn't work out! 

Do the benefits outweigh the risks? Answers on a postcard.....

Back... from outer space.... just walked in to find you here?

Thought it had been a while since I'd done this so here I am..... Its a quiet night and a busy head and jotting things down has always helped....!

So how are things going? To be honest not quite sure... The major issues at work have calmed down and so I am left this year trying to prove, mainly to myself, that the failings of last year really were due to the issues and office politics I had no control over, and not because I am crap at my job?

I think I am my biggest critic though and so I'm doing this year now to prove to myself rather than anyone else that I can do my job, I am more than capable and I think to get some of my confidence back. But isn't that how most people are? They judge people harshly but save their most scathing criticisms for themselves? Just me? Oh well.....

And home? Well things are just ticking along I guess? Had a few near misses with starting new relationships, but just as I get to the point of it actually becoming something there's that little voice in my head and the gut instinct that says its not right, and I'm not willing to settle for second best just so I'm not alone!

I know what it is I should be starting to feel and that's why these have been near misses so far! 
I've had a couple of people in my life over the years where I can honestly say I have truly loved them (and maybe I still do in some kind of way?) but yet for one reason or another its not worked out. Then on the flip side there's the douche-bag that I regret wasting more years than I should have on, so I certainly know what I'm not looking for!!

Looking back the experiences I've had, it hasn't made me bitter (I hope!!!) to the idea of falling in love again, as each time its not worked I've just got up, dusted myself off and carried on, as fate really does have a weird way of working things out in the end, or so I'm discovering.... from an ex boyf telling you that the biggest regret he has is letting you go, to realising that some blokes really are THAT shallow and only after one thing! They will say anything to try and get you into bed, and when you refuse it on the first date after only just meting over coffee, you don't hear a bean off them again.... Classy!!

Some people are just far too predictable and then there's some people that surprise you in the best way possible..... I'm hoping this weekend I get the nice surprise! 

Aching feet

Another weekend over then. Oh well, three more weeks and I'll be heading off on holiday... so excited!

I can't wait for me and munch to go round seeing the sights in Washington. It'll be fun seeing some of the stuff you associate with the city for ourselves!

And, with all this snow around lately I've also gone and booked us a week in Morocco as well. All inclusive, lazing around by the pool in the sun and drinking cocktails (well I will, munch will have to stick to lemonade lol). Going with my friend and her daughter which will be good as the kids can play together and I'll have someone to chat to as well. 

Its hard to explain but as much as I love the munchkin, going on holiday just us two can be a bit draining and its not exactly relaxing. City breaks like Brussels last year, and Washington next month are fine, as to be honest, by the time he's off to bed I'm pretty much doing the same as we've knackered ourselves out! Beach/sun holidays where you just want to lie around, sunbathe and chillout.... not quite so!

Went out this weekend as munch was at his dad's.... you know when you're getting old though as your feet hurt from the dancing! Mind you I'm not sure they had fully recovered from Thursday night out. Being able to go out in the week is a rarity and one I gladly took up last week. 

I mean, it's not often we have post project parties at work these days, and a free bar. My head did regret it the next morning though! I don't do hangovers very often but I had a headache on Friday! I blame the bubbles in the champers (and maybe the jager bombs, and the vodka, and whatever else I ended up drinking....). Fair to say we all got a little bit drunk.... I even did the sterotypical oversleep on Friday - for some reason munch didn't wake up a normal time and I had turned my alarm off and gone back to sleep! Still made it to work on time thought.... haha trooper that I am ;0)

Not all this weekend went to plan though. Didn't end up seeing big D today as he ended up having his daughter, so hopefully he's going to meet me one lunchtime this week.

Going to try and head to bed at a reasonible hour today and hopefully not get woken up with a nightmare tomorrow, as I've had one for the past two days:0(

I hate having them.... I woke up Saturday morning wanting to give the douche bag a large peace of my mind as I was so pissed off with him.... then I remembered it was because of something I'd dreamt about so even for him, that might have been a bit unfair of me!!

I guess I have something on my mind trying to come out and its manifesting itself in my dreams? 

I know at the moment I am hugely disappointed in one or two people for how they are behaving. For some reason they have decided to cut me out their life, they haven't replied to me or acknowledged me (even though all I had sent was something that was FOR them).... and its just basically being rude as far as I am concerned. 
Good manners don't cost anything and if I'm honest I thought better of them?! 

Guess its like I have always said, people always let you down and so the only person you can truly trust is yourself. Some people may get close but given my history I'm never trusting someone completely, to do that will open myself up to getting disappointed by them and i'm not sure I can survive too many more of those 

Zappers

Well, time really does fly! Can't believe we are already half way through January!!

I've tried not to make stupid new years resolutions this year, ones that would be forgotten before the first week was out, instead I really am trying to make this year one of looking forward and basically looking out for me.

So, what have I done? 

I have decided that alcohol is something I should stick to in moderation, rather than where I had got to with it last year, as I think if you are saying to yourself that you are probably drinking more than you should then that is not a good place to be! Don't get me wrong, everyone needs a time when they can blow off steam, but all in moderation. So it is back to leaving the drink to non-school nights rather than after every bad day. 

Also I am trying to say sorry to my liver for the abuse it got through December so it is back to drinking hot water and lemon in the morning to flush out the system a little bit. Trying to cut down on the sugar, as work last month was a nightmare with cakes/sweets/biscuits always being around. Some of this is normal new year stuff but i'm not pushing it as a huge thing.

I have said to Munch that once it starts getting lighter then we will try to go running. I need to do something to get fitter but I can't afford a gym and find them so boring! In the meantime, I've brought Zumba on the Wii.... well might as well have a giggle while trying to move about?!

So that's all the stuff for the physical me. As for the other parts I've tried to change my mindset there too, and move away from people and situations that zap my energy!!

The last few months have been a bit of a roller coaster if I'm honest. Being tired because I've been working shit loads probably didn't help matters either or make me less emotional..... but i have made some decisions about some of those roller coaster humps. Such as those with Kingy, I've come to the decision that if he wants me in his life then he can put me there! If not then I'll just accept its too complicated as I can't keep doing this....?! 

And that goes for several things really, I am tired of being the one that always does the running (figuratively of course.... actual running i might start doing lol)! 

Some of these people have been in my life since I was at school, but if they don't make the effort to stay in touch then I am just too tired to always be the one that always does it. 

I guess the saying 'the trouble with distance is you don't know if you're gone or just forgotten' is true, and you find that when you move away from home like I did. 

Don't get me wrong, its not that I've fallen out with anyone, and if any of them reached out and contacted me I would certainly respond, its just the energy of the contact always being one sided.... Birthday cards, Christmas card and that's it for now I guess?!

I can't be the only person that have these people in their lives though. I am sure that if you think about there are people from your past that are guilty of the same thing. And if not then you might want to ask yourself if you are either just great at removing energy zappers, or if you are the person that everyone always has to chase?